Pre-plan stages

So the holidays are here and I took a trip home, which usually throws my whole schedule off. Between sleeping, eating, writing, and exercising, there just isn't a whole lot I do well when I'm at home. Plus I tend to have a couple of drinks here and there. 

So today was my first full day back in my own town, back to work at my full time and part-time job. 

I didn't have high expectations for mysf because I didn't prep any food. 

However, I am pretty proud of myself for simply exercising the ability to make choices. I read something in a Brian Tracy book this morning that really helped. I'll share that sometime, but not tonight. 

Today, my little victories were making good choices when it would have been SO EASY to fall into my familiar pattern of eating for comfort. But I didn't do it. And, I chose not to have any alcohol. Two wins!

Well, I guess I did eat a little bit for comfort today. Just for honesty's sake, I'll ADMIT to what I ate. 

9am Panera blueberry bagel and cream cheese with coffee (milk and one sugar)

2pm slice of turkey, cup+ of green beans and cup+ of Mac and cheese--all from Wegmans. Yep...it was a compromise because I chose the turkey and green beans instead of the soup and pizza. The unfortunate thing was that it wasn't enough food and I stated hungry after I ate. So I had a chocolate. And dealt with the hunger.  I was surprised at how intolerable I found it. Eventually, I remembered I would be ok.

5pm Green Bowl. 3oz pork, spinach, squash, mushrooms, onion, broccoli, carrots, one scoop pineapple curry, one scoop teriyaki, one scoop sesame oil. 1 cup brown rice. Yum. 

7:30pm 3oz chicken, spinach, carrots, squash, mushrooms, broccoli, kidney beans, one scoop sesame oil, 1/2 cup white rice

10:30pn two chocolate peanut butter meltaways. Mmmmmmm. 

Anyway. I still need to create a plan and get ready for it...well by Sunday I need to be ready for WEEK ONE!

Kickoff 2014

My very first video!  This is so much fun!
Here's what I'm working on for today:
My meal plan/calorie plan and how it progressively gets cleaner.
My daily routine/checklist.
My goals:  fitness (unassisted pull-ups, for sure!); body fat; diet compliance.
Also, some R&R with my Martha Beck books. :)

Week 1, Day 6

I'm absolutely beat, so I'm not going to say much except that I remembered some key mental things that will help me stay on track. Mainly, that experiencing failure is not the same as BEING a failure. I think I've been taking that on as an identity for a long time. One behavior change that I came up with out of this realization is that in stead of calling it "going off plan" when I want to cheat otherwise do things that take me further away from my goal... I decided that instead I will call it "reverting" so that I remember exactly what it means. This is not an on-plan, off-plan operation. This is my new life. And I choose it. 

Week 1 Day 4 I killed my diet plan today

I had a great day today. I got my body fat tested and I gained WAY LESS than I anticipated!  I thought for sure I was back at square one. But I only gained 1.2%!  This was super exciting because it's just a relief! Like, wow, I didn't completely throw away all that work!!!

Then I went on to have a pretty solid shoulder workout, and I had time, so I threw in some cardio too! Just 15 minutes of intervals on the cybex machine. 

One thing I noticed today is that following my realization that what makes this my last "starting over" phase are the small, permanent identity changes I will be making. One of them is that I am a "healthy eater". That means it's not a spectacle or anything out of the ordinary for me to eat plain chicken and vegetables. I shouldn't draw attention to it or explain why I'm doing it because it's so boring, typical, routine. It GETS attention because it's different. But I've learned that I need to STOP explaining my meals to anyone who notices/asks.  It's not as if anyone gets all curious and inquisitive when someone gets pizza for lunch. It's just what they do. Eating this way is just what I do. 

Anyway, I totally NAILED my diet today. I ate everything I was supposed to eat, no extras, no fibbing, and I MEASURED MORE!  Today I measured my salad dressing. Just one tablespoon every time. I'm still getting my treats, but I'm really enjoying my progress on my meals. 

Week 1 Day 3

I'm so proud of myself today!!!  I am remembering key pieces of the "how-to" parts of this, like: build small successes so you see yourself as a success, not a failure. 

My proudest accomplishment today was NOT HAVING ANY WINE. I was at a friend's house finishing up a stressful task, and drinking wine is what I USED TO DO when I went to her house. I wasn't really sure how I was going to manage to AVOID IT. It was a perfect storm- after work, I'm tired, this task drives me batty...

But then I remembered that I am getting my body fat tested tomorrow at 8am and NO WAY was I going to put alcohol in my system for that. Which reminds me...I wonder how to take a picture of that for my blog...I'll think about it. 

Diet was pretty good today. 

6:00am coffee and egg whites

8:30am, eggs and oats

9am decaf coffee

10:45am <1 cup cottage cheese

12:30pm green bowl-chicken, vegetables, sesame oil, 1/2 cup white rice. (I made improvements here-no noodles, no sugary sauces, and half the oil I used yesterday)

2:00pm string cheese 12oz diet pepsi

4:00pm chicken 6oz? Cup of greens, salad dressing, chick peas, jello lemon meringue (80 calories)

9pm skinny cow ice cream sandwich

My goal right now isn't to have a PERFECT diet, it's to make this a slower change, one that doesn't FEEL like much of a change. I am pretty happy with what I did today, except the Diet Pepsi. 

My leg workout was awesome and now I'm in bed at a reasonable hour. Sleep will be awesome. 

Week 1 Day 2.

Did great today. 

Breakfast was eggs and oats

11am-cottage cheese

12:30pm- chicken, salad, salad dressing, sweet potato, butter, jello lemon meringue

5:30pm- green bowl-chicken, veggies, with rice noodles, sesame oil, oyster sauce, teriyaki, white rice, and some salty broth. 

I know that's not perfect, and it's not intended to be. I'm just in the process of building little successes. And today, I wanted a fried chicken sandwich like you would not believe. 

I realized I'd have to OWN eating it and changed my mind. 

And then I remembered what it felt like to overcome something like that. But now I'm super tired. Onward to tomorrow. 

Week 1 Day 2

Yesterday started out GREAT. I got up, had my stuff ready for the day, packed my meals and headed to the gym. I felt great. 

But then I went and did a training for three hours. I didn't eat when I should have because I left my food in the car. 

Then they served lunch. I had to make a decision to eat my food or to try to choose wisely from what they had. 

They really didn't have ANYTHING that fit my plan. They also did not have a microwave last time, and gave me a hard time about eating my own good, saying they could have prepared something for me. 

For the record, I don't care for people to TRY and prepare something unless they truly understand what I'm trying to do and WHY I'm eating the way I am. Usually people prepare something that doesn't fit my plan and then I feel ungrateful for not being thrilled about it. 

Anyway, I had a turkey sandwich on a pretzel roll with cheese and some chicken noodle soup. I did choose AGAINST the chips, pasta salad, ciabatta Italian sandwich. I ate slowly and paid attention to when I didn't want anymore. I still had an after-meal slump. 

It's EASIER to just eat clean than to try and wade through choices. 

Then I went back to work and was in a meeting from 1:30 to 4:00. Skipped a meal again. At 4, I had my chicken and salad (with a little bit of dressing). And my treat-a lemon meringue jello dessert thing. It's total crap, but I'm allowing myself a few treats this first few weeks to ease into the habit of eating clean. I was still hungry. I skipped my carbs bc of the pretzel roll I are earlier. 

I went home, ate an ice cream sandwich-skinny cow. 

I HATE having to document this, but it is helpful. I then started working on this goal I have. It's stressful to work on it because it's DIFFICULT. But I did get started. Many times I found myself wanting relief from the stress in the form of a beer. But I turned my attention BACK to the project until 9:30 or so. So I worked from 5:30 to 9:30 and I should be proud of that!

However, I also need to change this habit. At 9:30, I was stressed, tapped out, overwhelmed. I gave in to the notion that I DESERVED a beer. I worked hard! I earned it! This is not helping me reach my goals. I also told myself I deserved to watch Game of Thrones. 

The only beer in my fridge was my roommate's Mad Elf, and that stuff is POTENT. Of course I drank one, and of course I didn't stop at one. I had two. And then I ate three string cheeses and the rest of the crackers I had, which wasn't much, maybe 8 crackers. Then I ate my roommate's potato chips and dip. I can't believe I have to admit that. But, it's time to get honest about what I'm eating and why. My non-negotiable goals this week are to DOCUMENT what I eat and honor my bedtime. Last night, I was up til midnight or later. Onward. Today's a new day. 

Week 5 Day 2

I have been off my plan since Friday. I was exhausted and decided to have a beer. It was all downhill from there. I didn't get enough rest all weekend and came down with something on Sunday. 

But. Starting tonight, I'm back on my affirmations, and I'm ready to eat clean again.  

Week 4 Day 3

What a successful day! I did get a slow slow start to the gym this morning, because I turned my phone off and forgot to turn it back on. Oops!  Woke up at 7am, naturally. That was really pleasant. 

Anyway, this morning at the gym, this guy just walked right up to me, told me he noticed me, said he thought I was pretty cute and wanted to get to know me better! It totally made my day...first, I told him that it was really brave to approach me, and next, I told him I was probably ten years older than him. Turns out, that's true, but he was undeterred. Fine by me! Anyway, after that, I thought, "I should just go back to bed, I don't think anything else that fun is going to happen today."

But I kind of finished my workout, picked up a few groceries and got on my way. 

I knew I had planned to do a second workout of cardio today, but 5:00 hit, and I had so many excuses not to. Like, it doesn't matter, I'm tired, I ate too late, I don't feel like it. You know. But I remembered, in an accidental kind of way that one of my affirmations is, "I follow though". I call it accidental because...since I repeat them morning and night, they become part of my inner dialogue. So, instead of ONLY hearing the voices that would have me go home, I also heard a voice that expected me to follow through. 

So I went back to the gym. But I so didn't feel like it. First, I finished my biceps workout. Unfortunately, this morning my headphones quit on me, so while I was doing my bicep curls, I heard these two guys, one was huge in a roidy kind of way...that might be rude to say about people, but I don't know what else to call it. They walk around like they have a metal rod in the shape of an arrow (pointing up) supporting their spine and arms. KWIM?  Anyway, I almost laughed out loud because they were both doing this RIDICULOUS testosteroney verbal posturing about how awesome they thought themselves were, while simultaneously cutting each other down. Maybe this is just what guys do, but I totally wanted to interject, "No MY dick is bigger than yours!"  Ah, but I didn't. 

After arms, I thought quite seriously about that being enough. But I really wanted to make this week work for me. So I agreed to do just a little cardio. Long story short, twenty minutes later, I had convinced myself to do JUST ONE round of this tough tough cardio routine. Once that was complete, I convinced myself to do two more, which completed the workout I had planned to do. Could hardly believe it. I just kept repeating the things that I learned from my vulnerable yoga class: I have a strong mental game. I can. Where I am right now is ok. 

Good night!

Week 4 Day 2

Long day. I attacked my leg workout today. Usually I HATE that particular workout because it takes do long. But this time I just took the emotion out of it and went after it. It still took an hour and twenty minutes, but I'm sure a good chunk of that was the few sets I added and def my calf exercises because I triple them to hit all three heads. My guess is I'm gonna feel it all tomorrow!

Week 2, Days 6 & 7

I DID IT!  My goal this week was to MASTER MY DIET. I totally did. And, the reward for this effort?  I had hoped to see 136 on the scale, although the scale us Bout to be replaced by pics. But I DID!  Last Sun my weight was 138.0. This Sunday my weight was 136.4!  I'm a little confused because my measurements didn't change a whole awful lot, but that's why I'm adding the pics. The changes will most likely be visual. 

I EVEN had my FIRST EVER successful and satisfying cheat without binging!!!

So proud of myself!  I ate almost half a burger and about half of a loaded baked potato, plus two rolls with butter and a diet soda at Texas Road House. Then u had a quarter of a peanut butter cream pie from Wegmans. I ALWAYS have more than that. 

I even took a shot of apple cider vinegar! That will make eating clean tomorrow easier. 

The practice of affirmations has been incredibly helpful for me. This week, I plan to NAIL my meal plan AGAIN, and thus time, adding sleep as a major factor.   I tend to stay up too late, screwing around. Whether it's playing Candy Crush Saga or Facebook or simply worrying about a problem that isn't mine, I'm not making the best use of my time. 

This week, and in general, more and more, I'm really leaning into yoga practice as a way to discover what I'm capable if. What is possible. Some aspirations if mine have come back to life in light of how much I've learned I'm capable if, if I just get out if my own way!

I'm thinking I might add a Wednesday yoga class so that I can improve my overall yoga abilities. Once a week just probably isn't enough for me. Plus, I don't mind the extra inspiration halfway through the week. 

Good night!

Oh I should add my pics. 

Week 4 Day 1

I had a great day today, although it didn't start out that way. 

I chose to get up at 5am, which was good, but I kind of piddled away the time and didn't get to the gym until 7am, then I forgot about my laundry, so I didn't even START working out until 7:20am or so. And I was tired...like a lingering tired from days of not enough sleep. 

But I got through my work day, crossed three annoying, important, overdue tasks off my to-do list AND did a cardio session at 6pm. 

All in all I am so proud of myself. Good night. I forgot pictures. 

Week 3, Day 7

I failed to blog last night because I spent too much time chatting with a friend/colleague/partner in the work I do- at Wegman's. 

However, I made it my personal mission today to carve out some time to be ALONE today. All the time I had did that yesterday, I have away in some fashion. 

So, here it is, 7:10pm and I'm in bed. So happily in bed. I've spent most of the past two weeks TIRED. Luckily this weekend I managed to get 8 hours of sleep Friday and Saturday nights, but Saturday yoga ALWAYS wears me out, and Green Bowl on Sundays always wears me out, even though I don't work that hard. I think it's just that I am mentally depleted. 

Anyway, I had an experience during Saturday yoga that I really wanted to explore. I'd like to write an extended blog about it, but I haven't yet. The front of the studio is all glass, and even though its difficult to see in, when I had to roll out my mat close to the windows, I really had a reaction. I didn't realize what an impact it would have on me, but this fear came to life that someone I knew would walk by while I was doing yoga and would be able to see and identify me. I was particularly worried that a SPECIFIC person would see me. It really uncovered my vulnerability in this aspect: I realized that I consistently believe I am the worst student in the class. It would be one thing if this person, or even other people I know, saw me doing REALLY AWESOME MOVES.  You know THAT would be different. I could be proud, easily. But because I see myself in such a negative light all I could do was keep an eye out...but the impact it had on me mentally was terrible. I certainly suffered through that class. I wanted to be mad at someone, but I knew it was ALL ME. I tried to change the perspective, like, "Hey, even if I'm the *worst* student in the class, I'm still IN THE CLASS. Anyone who is walking by has NO RIGHT to judge." But that didn't work. Because I also have this belief that the *specific* person I was worried about could probably do this yoga class better than I can, even if she'd never done it before.  But I know that's horseshit, because that class is HARD. I just hold onto the belief that she is mentally stronger than I am. But then I caught myself comparing an imaginary situation to my REAL situation and I thought, "Comparison is the thief of joy."  Which put me right back to being afraid of someone seeing me be the worst student in a class of 12 people. Or just looking awkward instead of elegant. So, I'm making it my mission this week to identify and eliminate those self-defeating thoughts, beliefs, and practices that I noticed during yoga. Because, it actually all made me perform WORSE. no surprise there though. I need to remind myself that I do push to my edge and beyond, and that's. all that counts. All I can do is focus on me. And with that, I'm going to sleep. 

Week 3 Day 5

I forgot to blog yesterday!

It was so late by the time I got home that I could barely manage my abbreviated  "it's what you do every that counts" routine: shower, brush/floss teeth, affirmations. The extended list includes doing the dishes and unpacking and repackage my bags for the next day, but I've been skipping that. It really only helps me in the moment. Invariably I regret it the next day. 

Anyway, I had a KILLER FRIDAY today!  I don't know if maybe it was because I took the time to meditate for 10 minutes before I got ready for the day, but everything just got me GOING today. 

First, doing my morning pages, I churned out a list of things I needed and wanted to do. But what really shocked me was that WITHOUT super pump, I absolutely murdered my leg workout. I don't even know what got into me. Instead if just getting through it, I decided to tackle it. I'm sure my legs are going to feel it tomorrow. I'm already creating expectations and fears about what yoga is going to be like. I didn't stretch even. I'm probably going to get Charlie horses in my glutes and calves. That'll be just great, I'll fall down and just pulse in the throes of Charlie horses. Ok. So, that's probably not going to happen because I'll come out of the pose before I have an embarrassing episode like that. 

At any rate, it's 9:22pm and I'm in bed. That's new!

I'm so excited because I'm heading into this weekend with my chicken cooked for the next five days and fish for the next three. That's really as far out as I like to cook anyway. Oh, AND most of my laundry is clean and most of the dishes are done. I'm babysitting a 3 month old tomorrow, and I might be able to spend time with horses! 

Anyway. I should really get to sleep. Or. Take advantage of this time and read a book!

Week 3 Day 3

I am STILL so tired. But maybe after today I'll have rested enough. 

I did my first two-a-day in a long time today. Unfortunately, because I slept in, all my meals were off. So by the time I got to Yoga Power Pump (or some combination of those words) I was CRANKY. it was a bad mood and attitude I just couldn't shake. I tried all kinds of mental tricks. But all I kept thinking about was everything that irritated me: I couldn't hear her instructions over-thru the music, I wasn't accustomed to the moves and I couldn't do them at the "right" pace, my muscles were burning out fast and I felt like a quitter, my face was sweating and I didn't have a hand towel, just a bath towel, my hair kept getting in my eyes and flopping all over. GAH! I was so frustrated. It wasn't until after class that I realized I was probably experiencing LOW BLOOD SUGAR. That usually is what it makes me feel like. 

I had a goal of being in bed by 8:00pm so I could SLEEP more. But by the time I ate, went to Wegmans, ate again, did the dishes, prepped some food...it was after 9pm. 

And here it is, 10:03pm. I could keep writing, but I know...it's more important to shut down. Good night. 

Week 3 Day 2

I. Am. So. Tired. 

Ate perfectly today. Had more cravings. Did not give in to them. Can't decide if I should let myself sleep til 7 or not. I probably should. 

Good night. 

11:02

Week 3 Day 1

I couldn't sleep last night. It was terrible. Then the whole day I was painfully tired. I noticed around 4:45 when I didn't start eating my meal (I wanted to wait until I got home-idk why really, maybe it felt like too much effort) that I was having RIDICULOUS cravings for Taco Bell. I don't even know when the last time I ate Taco Bell was, and I certainly haven't craved it. Anyway, it took a second, but I remembered that sleep deprivation will mess with cravings, especially if you don't eat on time!  

I actually felt a little at risk for nose diving off my plan. But, I got it together and went home and ate like I was supposed to. I even cooked/prepped most of my meals for the rest of the week. YAY!

And this morning, I totally did my intervals 10 on the arc machine and ten on the stairmill. And it was tough. Then I lifted for 20 minutes, ate and was even on time to work. 

Now it's 9:21 and I need to sleep. 

Week 2 Day 5

I'm up past my bedtime. 

I ate pretty perfectly today...oh but I forgot to write it down. Too late. I'm in bed now. 

I've already had thoughts and excuses about skipping yoga tomorrow, but I will not. 

Saturday yoga is such a challenge and shows me that I can push past my limits, especially because some if them are imaginary. 

I need to eat on schedule tomorrow. Which will be hard if I'm working at Green Bowl. Which I am. 

But I'm getting my hair cut, so yay!

11:31 goodnight. 

Week 2, Day 4

I am proud to report that for the FOURTH day in a row, I have followed my plan IMPECCABLY!

I may even be starting to get a handle on my anxiety/panic attacks. I can't entirely explain it, but sometimes the phrase, "Don't borrow trouble" helps. My newfound tool is to accept each moment like I chose it. That it is as it should be. Even if terrible things happen. But usually, it's not terrible things that happen, I'm just paralyzed in fear that terrible things will happen. 

Just writing that made me think, "Great. Tempting fate, are we?" But. I've learned I can't control everything. But I will survive. Until I don't. And when I don't survive, I won't care because I will be dead. But, I will probably live a long life and die of old age. Or a heart attack from all of this anxiety. 

But the anxiety is an important thing to get under control, because when I panic, I need to self-soothe when it's over. If alcohol or hard drugs (that's a joke) aren't available, food or coffee-the kind that's actually a milkshake-will also soothe quite nicely. And then AFTER the panic, whether I self-soothe or not, I'm exhausted and not at all motivated to do what I'm supposed to do. 

I was just thinking today about how much my habits have changed since I started this endeavor two years ago. I'm thinking I should keep good track of what I'm doing differently now...because I'm sure people will want to know ... And I will want to be able to tell them-how I made those adjustments. How I changed my habits. At what speed?  

Anyway. It's bedtime. 

Week 2 Day 3

I am killing it! I am so excited that I'm actually in bed early too!  But that's because I didn't do my dishes or pack my bags for tomorrow. I really need to just suck it up and do that stuff at night. 

Anyway, I ate PERFECTLY again today. Granted, it wasn't particularly scintillating. I did find out that spinach shakes are actually the consistency of water, whereas kale shakes never get that smooth. It was good to be able to just chug the whole thing, but spinach can be pretty bitter!

I am very very proud of the job I did today. I am learning that I am willing to do what it takes to succeed. Now I get to  read before bed because I have time!

Week 2 Day 2

I ate exactly what I was supposed to eat today, almost exactly on time. NOTHING tastes as good as being able to say that. But I'm an hour late to bed, so good night. 

Week 2!

I simply did not get enough sleep all weekend long. So I'm going to bed. Right now, at 5:21pm. I hope I sleep for 12 hours. 

I ate on time today, but skipped my 7:30 meal bc I'm going to sleep through it. 

Week One Complete!!!

I had a pretty full weekend. I am happy to say that it's 7:03pm, and despite working two shifts at Green Bowl this weekend, I managed to do my laundry (although I have an entirely NEW basket full of dirty clothes already), prep ALL of my food for at LEAST the next two days...most of my food is prepped for the week. My dishes are DONE DONE DONE, I'm showered, my workouts are written out for the week, and my gym bag is packed with work clothes for tomorrow. Phew!  I haven't been able to relax like this on a Sunday night in a long time!

I had my cheat meal today, and I didn't go berserk. I ate at Waffle Shop after having 5 egg whites at home and FINALLY spending 30 minutes meditating outside. 

That's my cheat meal:cheese omelette, pancakes, and home fries. I didn't eat all the potatoes, though. I should have eaten more throughout the day, but I didn't. Now, as I settle in for this movie with NOTHING ELSE to worry about, and nobody but my cat to interrupt, I'm going to have some chocolate dessert and potato chips. I know, I know. I shouldn't have the chips at all, and I should have had the dessert earlier. Shoulda would coulda. I'm going into this week with the goal of absolutely mastering my diet this week, and I want to start it off with a feeling of abundance, not deprivation. This is where I am this week. That reminds me...I should rewrite my affirmations before I watch this movie. Ok. Just ONE last thing before I relax. 

Day 6-Saturday!

This week has been interesting. I found it difficult to eat clean throughout the week but made a real attempt this week to Work My Plan. There were plenty of times I didn't want my pre-planned meals. Most of the time, I just ate them. Sometimes, I didn't though. 

I've come to the place where I can see that it's not my ABILITY that is holding me back, it's the willingness to pay the price. Am I WILLING to say no when I'm having a sugar/salty craving, and those ever-present cookies, cake, chips are Right There. 

I remember now: giving in to that craving makes me feel regretful (is that a word?). I ALREADY KNOW HOW THAT STORY ENDS. I've done it several times over the course of my life. 

So, this time around, I want to keep a new story in the front of my brain: I choose. The food will ALWAYS be there. My opportunity to start over will always be there, too, but I don't want to do that again. 

I'm definitely feeling like something is shifting internally. I'm taking risks in other areas of my life as well. Just getting out of my comfort zone. I mean, I've been feeling stuck for quite a long time now, in quite a few ways. 

Anyway. I'm willing now to push a little harder, stop coddling myself. I frequently find myself giving up or giving in and then wondering, "What's wrong with me?" In a workout class it's *thought bubble: these other people must work out more than I do, must be stronger than me/I must have an iron deficiency, there must be a reason I can't do this, I am dehydrated. And my PERSONAL FAVORITE: I bet I'm dying of a terminal disease, and when they (? I don't know who they is) realize it, they will think it's so incredible that I was able to work out like this*. It's crazy when i think about it, that i want an excuse, a way out so bad that I consider the possibility that my health is failing when it's probably at its peak?  That's really my belief system working against me. 

When it's about diet, I sometimes look at other people and think: *she must not be as hungry, in as much discomfort as I am in avoiding this food. HOW do they choose to eat that even when on vacation/eating out? This must be easier for them. Or, the infamous: I'll just do more cardio*. Hahaha. 

The truth is, the sooner I really deeply believe that EVERYONE struggles or has struggled with this AT THE SAME LEVEL that I am at or have been at, the sooner I can deeply believe that it is possible for me to achieve this goal.  For too long I've had a deep conviction that something is fundamentally wrong with me...but the only thing that's wrong with me is that I believe that story. 

I started doing lighter weights, but higher reps bc a former trainer at the gym told me that sometimes I sacrifice form for weight. So, yesterday was legs. Today was hell. Haha just kidding, not really hell. But kind of. It's kind of hell when you are waiting tables and you can either move accurately (not even gracefully, just generally avoid running into walls, people, and corners) or quickly (and fail to avoid aforementioned obstacles). 

So first, I had hot yoga, at 8:30am, and I was so proud of myself for getting there! It was a new morning routine for me because I didn't know EXACTLY where it was, and I needed to bring my own mat. I had at least ten solid excuses for skipping it. But I didn't. And then we got started and my legs were SCREAMING. There was also some cramping in my glutes from my trigger points bc I've been neglecting to work them out. Anyway, I really felt like, "Man! Am I EVER going to get to the level of fitness that I can just DO THIS CLASS?"  Today it felt like this journey has been long and not as fruitful as I had hoped. But, one thing I do know is: Do not skip Saturday yoga. It will ONLY make returning that much harder. I suppose I might have to miss it for Sarà's birthday party, but I bet I can squeeze it in and then leave town. 

Anyway. So after hot yoga, inevitably, I feel super tired. Every week, I know if I do hot yoga, I better make room for extra sleep or a nap if I'm working at Green Bowl. Today, I went from hot yoga straight to waiting tables. The thing is, I also know that if my legs are sore to the point that moving quickly is difficult (you MUST move quickly when waiting tables), I will be EXHAUSTED before the shift is over. I mean painfully tired, over-extended, lose my filter, might-cry-or-have-a-meltdown-if-someone-makes-my-life-hard tired. I do not want to be in that place. Ever. The only good thing about it is that I sleep like the dead afterward. But I already did that once this week-Wednesday-and I was still tired ALL DAY Thursday, even though I took a nap and it was the fourth of July. See how I could concoct a rationale that I have some disease?  I have to wonder: does anyone else ever feel like this?!? The answer is Yes, Betsy. They just accept it better than you do. 

I suppose that's true. I don't accept it. I don't think it's smart to live life in that state too often. 

Anyway, I wish I had time to revise and edit this, because the bottom line that I keep choosing to come to-every day-is that if I want to achieve this goal, I've got to be willing to stop giving myself the same outs, the same stories, the same sabotages.  One of my affirmations reads: be willing to stop being a caterpillar. It's from a quote: A little girl asked, "What does it take to be a butterfly?" Someone answered, "You must want to fly so much that you're willing to give up being a caterpillar."

So I've let that quote help me notice my caterpillar ways: the things I repeat in my brain when faced with a difficult choice. 

That's all for now. 

Day 5

I ate clean today even though the office folks ordered pizza and had very yummy looking cookies. I just decided its time to get serious about all this. If I want results, I have GOT to Work. My. Plan.  

I had 5 meals total, which may explain why I'm so hungry. 

Anyway. I had plans on doing my laundry and cooking all my chicken tonight before bed but all I could manage was the laundry. And I fell asleep on the couch before that even finished. So goodnight!

Day Four!

Today was the Fourth of July and I was trying to figure out how to balance my plan-or follow my plan-without feeling like a weirdo at BBQs or feeling deprived. 

I read a great motivational blurb today that really said: choosing to follow your plan should not feel victimizing. It should feel like YOU are in control, and YOU are making choices. Because ultimately, this is YOUR GOAL. 

I was trying to decide between following my plan P-E-R-F-E-C-T-L-Y or indulging a little bit to feel like I'm folding this into a lifestyle. As it turned out, I slept late, ate late, got to the gym late, and was STILL wiped out, so I took a nap...and my whole day was "off". But I didn't let that drag me down into a free for all. I had sensible food...and a few less-than-sensible items. 

I did go to Wegmans after the BBQ and thought about indulging some more. But then I remembered that the reason I fall short of my goal is because of moments like this. 

So instead, I got what I needed and came home. I promptly took a shot of apple cider vinegar to cleanse the sugar out of my system, and got right back into my routine. So now it's 11:23pm and I'm late to bed. Thank god tomorrow is Friday. I'm learning I get up later and later as the week goes on. Need to find a way to remedy that. 

Day 3

I had a good day today!  I'm not sure that meals 4 and 5 counted as following my plan because I ate at Green Bowl. What a LONG day tho. 

Anyway, each time, I just had chicken, spinach, onion, and green peppers or carrots with sesame oil and 1/2 cup brown rice. I mean most of it qualifies as clean. I'm not sure about the sesame oil, but the bottom line is that it's not PERFECT.  perfect would have been eating what I eat EVERY DAY. It was just hard to decide to eat less tasty food when I could convince myself that the food I was about to eat was *just as clean*. It wasn't, lets be real. 

Anyway, I had quite the boost at the gym today. Some guy said he noticed my dedication...and basically said I should be seeing more changes. But I explained how its been so hard to stay on my diet-hard to even START because every time I think about staying on a clean eating plan for four months all I can think is, "Cake!"  But all in all, it was an encouraging discussion. What I got out of it is there's no reason to hold back or sabotage. 

So I'm ready to go for it. Commit to my diet and get mentally prepared for the road that lies ahead. :)

Day 2

Had a great day!  I got up, a little late, but well-rested. I did my usual routine and headed to the gym. I'm not sure what made me so late other than having to put my gym bag together. Luckily I did my food the night before, but I didn't make it to the gym until almost 8am. 

Anyway, I had a great day of eating on time, UNTIL I started the 6:00pm class I teach and found that they had brought me cake and a balloon for my birthday!

Long story short, my last meal was a few apple slices with peanut butter and a piece of cake. Not perfect, but I guess I'm trying to make this a lifestyle too...so I had the cake. Is that people pleasing? Or did I not want to feel deprived? I don't know. At any rate, I seriously considered coming home and eating some of the strawberry shortcake I have in the fridge, but I didn't. It wasn't even hard. I still don't know if I made "the best" decision-I mean, I would theoretically be closer to my goal right now if I had chosen not to have cake. However, choosing not to have cake could have also made me feel resentful, angry, and deprived, and maybe I would have come home and polished off the remaining cake. 

I also know that these situations crop up ALL THE TIME where food is presented to you and you feel like you should partake...you may even be shamed/pressured into it, and I will remember that I can say no to food that's not on my plan because I'm saying YES to something bigger than a piece of cake. 

Day one down!

I'm fifteen minutes behind schedule so ill make this fast. I had a great day today! It didn't start off great because I didn't have my stuff ready. This morning was a hassle to get out the door. 

But, I made it out the door, and once my pre-workout kicked in, I was doing great!

I ate on time all day and incorporated a snack that makes me SO happy: cottage cheese and strawberries. I didn't know I could do that!

It's my midday meal, so it breaks up the monotony of the chicken. 

But what I've found most helpful is that IT IS really the messages that you tell yourself that make all the difference. I can't BELIEVE I've waited this long to have the guts to commit to a program. But I suppose if you don't identify what's holding you back...well, you can't fix it. 

I've identified it. 

So I'm reminding myself every day they I CAN do this and I AM doing it. 

I'm also remembering to behave like I already have a low body fat % and can wear a bikini with pride. That helps. 

Good night. 

Committing

I am committing to 12 weeks of eating clean and following a workout routine to get in the best shape of my life. Starting tomorrow. 

My biggest obstacle, I've found, is that I doubt that I can actually eat clean for twelve weeks and follow a plan for twelve weeks...and on top of that, I doubt that I will get the results that I want. So I don't give it 110%. 

But, I've had a few realizations lately that are helping me overcome these walls I've put up. One is that no one is just effortlessly fit. People make choices and I am no different. I know I will need to resist strong cravings, even when my brain plays tricks on me. I know that sometimes, it's gonna suck. 

But I also know that achieving the goal of sticking with a plan for twelve solid weeks will leave me feeling more confident than ever, and will leave me much fitter than I am right now. 

I want to finish this summer with a tan in a bikini. 

I will finish this summer in a bikini. 

Week 3 day 1

Blogging is more than I can do most of the time, even though I enjoy it and it helps me stay on track. 

I can say that in the past couple of days, I have managed to do things I REALLY didn't feel like doing. And in starting to think that I really could do this competition in October. I'm starting to see it take shape. More than that, I'm starting to realize that it's completely possible. I simply have to do things when I don't feel like it. I have to resist strong cravings, opt out of parties, and work pretty consistently. 

I also think it will be totally worth it. 

Week 2 Thursday

Today I got my body fat measured and to my DELIGHT it was 1.2% less than the last time I measured it. That's saying a lot bc I totally fell off my plan for two months and have only been back for a week. 

Today I tried a new cardio routine that killed. I lifted the hell out of my legs yesterday, so the jumping was particularly rough. Anyway. Gotta go to bed. Another day at the gym tomorrow. And my last day off of work. I think I'm just gonna spend some time alone. 

Wed week 2

My main comments are that it's HARDER for me to stay on my plan when I have the day off and that I absolutely destroyed my legs lifting today. Will be having a hard time getting around tomorrow. 

Tues week 2

Every time I title the blog by the day and week I'm on, it feels a little bit like someone counting days stranded on an island or held captive or something. Sounds cryptic is all. 

Anyway, today was exciting! I've been going back to the gym and getting back into my habits of prioritizing bedtime and writing in the morning. However, I have been lacking a certain drive, intensity, excitement or something. For example, I get to the gym in the morning and do my lifting, but without any enthusiasm. I wanted to have enthusiasm, but something was missing from the equation. 

Today, I think I figured a few of those things out. 

1. I didn't have clear goals: measurable, attainable, with a deadline, that could be broken down into weekly goals and daily tasks. DONE: first goal: weigh 125 by my birthday. June 28. That's 14 pounds in 7 weeks. It's on the edge of possible but very challenging. So every workout counts. Every meal counts. Every night of sleep counts. 

2.  I wasn't reading anything inspiring to get me excited. I remembered that when I had the most success, I took time every Sunday to read Chalene Johnson's Push and rewrite my ten goals for the year. It helped keep me interested, focused, and remembering WHY I had the goal in the first place. So Sunday reading and planning is back. 

3.  I haven't been taking any pictures. So, this Sunday will also be progress pic time. Knowing I will be taking pictures will definitely remind me that EVERY MEAL, WORKOUT, and SLEEP counts. 

4.  I haven't been meditating and visualizing. When I don't take time to come down and really focus on the moment, then create a sense-based vision of what achieving this goal would FEEL like...well, I don't actually stay in a place of BELIEVING it will happen. And when I don't BELIEVE that this awesome result will come, or I don't even think about it, it's hard to have much enthusiasm for doing the work. 

5.  I haven't been blogging. Taking time to reflect on my day is helpful. I don't exactly know why, but it serves to rind me again, that Hey! You're on this plan. You are working toward a goal! Do your job!

6.  The most obvious: I haven't been going hard. Some really smart person said that behavior follows feelings, and feelings follow thoughts, so you've got to have control of your thoughts. But, in addition, ACTION is the cure. Don't feel like going hard? Do it anyway. The doing. It's the doing that counts. 

So. Tonight I did a cardio workout Amy gave me, which was intended to be intense. It's a pretty well-known trick now that high intensity interval training torches the most fat. And intense workouts in general improve your overall fitness. While I was doing it, I noticed that I wasn't going all that hard. I was having a little conversation with myself that I should pace myself because its only going to get harder. But at some point, I asked myself: if not now, WHEN?  WHY are you holding back?  Just let it fly. Go hard. Don't stop until you need to. What amazed me the most is how GREAT it feels!  I felt so strong and energized!  

So. I did it. And I have some pep in my step now. 

Time for meditation and visualization. 

Day 2

Two days eating clean and my body is screaming for sugar. But I'm waiting it out. Also very sore from gym. That's a good thing. So excited to get my supplements tomorrow!

Day 49. I guess I can't count.

Anybody reading this can see that I frequently guess at what day I'm on. No matter. I am much more rested today than any day for the past two weeks. I'm pretty confident I was fighting something off over the weekend, so I'm really glad I laid low. I don't like looking back and knowing that I skipped three workouts in a row, but that's definitely preferable to burning out and quitting.
This morning I did 10 pops on the treadmill, a few bicep curls and a few ab exercises. I usually do more hard cardio, but I just was not feeling up to it this morning. Probably has something to do with all the junk I ate yesterday. But then I also went to Kerry's class tonight, so I got my two workouts on and I ate really clean and really didn't eat very much. That's a nice balance from the weekend.
Now I'm trying to go to bed early.

Day 48

It's the end of a few days of rest. My plan is to be able to come back full force, and right now, I'm ready for bed. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Day 44. Today was a challenge.

And I overcame it. I was tired, grumpy, and frustrated but I hit my goals anyway. Now it's bedtime and I'm hoping for a much better day tomorrow.

Day 43. Irritating Day.

I fell off my diet a little bit today.  Not bad.  I woke up at 5:39am, which is 39 minutes late, but no big deal.  I did have to skip a few exercises at the gym because of it though.  A few sets of different bicep curls.  I tried to make up for it later in the day, but no.  Five pound weights just aren't going to cut it.
Here's how my day went:  I got to the gym at 7am, roughly 1 hour later than I wanted.  But I recognized that what I wanted wasn't realistic, so I suppose I will need to get over it.  Anyway, I felt good, felt rested.  Felt JACKED on my superpump!  So I got to work, but somehow it took me 30 minutes to get through 2 supersets (4 sets each, so a total of 16 exercises).  I guess that makes sense, but it totally pissed me off.  At 7:45am I knew I needed to switch to cardio if I was going to get the half-hour in.  So I did.  Then I stretched and went to shower...no hot water at the gym, and then I dropped my bottle of Muscle Martini (that stuff takes care of cravings like NOBODY'S BUSINESS!!!).  Luckily I didn't have to go straight to work, I had time to shower, so I shouldn't be so annoyed at the inconvenience.  It was actually quite convenient that it happened that way today and not, say Friday, when I have a presentation to give at 8am.
Anyway, when I got home, I took a shower and I was overcome with tired.  So I laid down for about an hour before I went to work.
The rest of the day was overwhelming and frustrating.  And now it's 10pm and I'm hungry.  But I ate 2 dark chocolates and 1 cookies and cream chocolate during class, plus a coffee with a tiny bit of French Vanilla creamer at 5pm (while I was putting Fix-A-Flat in my tire...THAT was an episode...ugh).  So, I know in reality it's probably less than 100 calories of stuff that is not helping me toward my goal.  My main concern is the downward spiral.  I feel a little like I'm losing my cool.  I have only struggled with diet one other time, and that was just because I was feeling disappointed.
Hm.  Perhaps today just had to do with feeling frustrated, and maybe it doesn't have to be a downward spiral.  Although, if I don't get my office and my home organized, I don't know how I'm going to escape it.  So, I guess that's my plan.  Organize my office and my home.  Alright.  I'll get working on that.  And, I need to get back to my Chalene Johnson to-do list.  I've been neglecting that and that also makes me feel helpless and out of control.
For now, I'm going to try to continue to get caught up on rest.
Goodnight.

Day 42. Officially halfway!

Today, I desperately needed some rest. So I got some. It was more difficult to stay on my plan today because I really felt like eating bad food. Not sure why, but I think I feel a wave of depression moving in. The best remedy for that is doing things I can be proud of and working out hard. So far, that's what I know. I hope I can snap out of it. And, I think today's rest session probably helped a lot. That rundown and frustrated feeling is usually an early sign. Well. Good night!
Onto the second half tomorrow!!!

Day 41. It's late.

Tomorrow I can officially say I am halfway through Jamie Eason's 12 week program, and I am so proud of myself!  I can hardly believe it!

I'm up late tonight because, man!  My weekend just got away from me.  There are certain things I need to take care of on the weekends, like laundry, groceries, cooking and cleaning.  More importantly, I need to REST.  Every Friday finds me totally exhausted and wanting to be asleep by 7:30pm.  Sometimes, I actually get to do that.

I know that adequate sleep is probably one of the MOST important parts of this process.  Without it, cravings get out of control, motivation goes downhill, and morale just plummets.  So, this weekend, I tried to rest.  But I really felt like SOCIALIZING!  I did go to a Pets Come First wine-tasting event on Friday night, and I was worried that I would go overboard with the wine, but I didn't.  I did eat enough for a cheat meal that night, but I'm just taking it in stride.  Nobody goes through this program perfectly.

I was so tired Friday and Saturday night that I didn't even bother to blog.  That usually means I'm not doing very well.  But not this time!  I'm still on track.  Saturday, I spent 4 hours at the gym.  I'm not bragging, I'm actually thinking that it's excessive.  The way that my training schedule works, I do (and love) Hot Yoga Saturday mornings and I have no plans on giving it up.  I love it.  I also am slated for an hour of lifting and then half an hour on the treadmill.  By the time all was said and done, I'd put in 4 hours.

I guess I need to be careful this week, because I think I am near over-training territory.  I was unusually exhausted this weekend.  Anyway, I did get my laundry, dishes and cooking done.  I could have done more cleaning, but rest was more important.  So, for now, I'm going to watch the last ten minutes of this Breaking Bad episode, take a shower and go to bed.

HIIT training tomorrow!  And I've got to mix it up, I feel like my body is adapting to this Monday routine.

Day 39. Lost another towel.

I have this bad habit of stalling in between exercises at the gym and then rushing out in order to get to work on time. Unfortunately, this has caused me to drop or lose my bath towel twice. The first one is gone. I have no idea where it ended up. The second one I lost today, so we'll see if it got saved.
Anyway, I've had a very busy week and have relied on 30 minute naps in the afternoon to get me through Tuesdays and Thursdays, which have been extra long days for me for the past 3 weeks.
Today I followed my plan VERY well and even added a protein shake to my day because I needed it!
I'm so excited that tomorrow is Friday and I get to veg out and watch Breaking Bad as a reward for all my hard work.

Day 37. Fast day.

I had a very fast day today. Presentations or meetings all day long and I really wanted to be sleeping by 8pm because I lost sleep last night.
I worked out twice today like I'm supposed to!!! That seemed impossible until I did it. I was SUPER TIRED after my workout this morning, and I didn't eat like I should have because of my crazy schedule. I didn't eat anything off my plan, but the only time I ate vegetables was for my second meal. I will need to remedy that tomorrow--which will be another fast day.
My biggest discovery today was this Punk video featuring Nate Ruess (who I am absolutely positively and hopelessly in love with), called Just Give Me A Reason. And somehow, out of that song this truth hit me like a ton of bricks: I do not need to be perfect to be loved. In fact, it is what is imperfect about me that makes me lovable. I don't need to wait until I have perfect abs, a bigger income, a published book. I am fun, fascinating, and lovable right now. There's beauty in me right now. That was really a big realization for me.

Day 36. Stars lining up.

Today, everything just seems to be falling into place. My mantra for the day was that quote-I'm not going to get it right, but something about how we are always worrying about this or that, and then fail to realize that all along, we are riding on great waves.
Anyway. That made for a fabulous day. Then I came home and realized Maybelle wasn't following me around. Naturally, I thought she got hit by a car and panicked. Turns out, she was traumatized from the low battery beep alert on the fire alarm and was hiding. Poor baby is stalking around here WAITING for that awful beep to happen again. I fixed it, but she's suspicious.
Well. It's late again. Good night.

Day 35. My first real struggle.

So, for the first time today, I really had a day where my mood was just CRAP. I was tired, probably from doing so much and then going to bed late. I just couldn't get pumped. I even drank my SuperPump. Nothing. I just had a general feeling of apathy. I didn't want to work too hard. I almost wonder if it was because I ate those chips RIGHT before bed.
I don't know that I owned that last night. I just was not feeling energetic.
I got through my pops on the stairmill. Everything was off. I was starting to feel weakness/pulling/pain in my knee joint.
Then I switched to the treadmill. My favorite treadmills were full. I got on one I wasn't used to and it was all screwy. I got irritated and started smacking the treadmill...lol. And swearing under my breath, and in general acting like a big baby.
Then I didn't even feel like stretching. Im going to regret that. I ate, showered, and got ready without my usual anticipation for the day. I felt a lot more tired than usual. I thought about taking time off work.
Anyway, around 3pm, I was running errands for work, and I was kinda sorta near Wegman's. I convinced myself that I just cannot make it through the day without their rotisserie chicken noodle soup. So I drove to Wegman's. But I managed to turn around and drive out because made a deal with myself that I wouldn't do my second workout. That I just couldn't.
Just then, because she's psychic, Amy texted me to tell me, in so many words, that a gym member noticed how hard I work out and that I'm tough!!!!!
Full confession, my inner critic told me not to believe that, but it just didn't have that much power. But I DIDN'T EVEN CARE! No matter how it came to me, I really needed to hear it. I full-out blushed in my car, like hot-faced, I was so embarrassed ? I don't know why, I liked the compliment and yet I had a physical reaction of embarrassment? Maybe because my actions and beliefs had gone so far from reality, as I was about to sabotage my plan? I can't explain it.
All I can say is that a switch was flipped, inner critic be damned. I was back on my game baby!!!! I went home, ate my appropriate meal (kind of, I had waited too long to eat so I added butter and a protein shake), and then I made it to Kerry's class. Then, one of the women I work out with regularly told me that my "slump" post on FB totally spoke to her and helped her get to class. :) :) :)
AND I got to see Amy on my way out of the gym in MUCH higher spirits. I learned that it is TRULY when you least feel like following your plan---that is when you MUST. It broke my bad mood.
What a happy ending to a day that started out pretty rough. Good night!!!
Hosted by Maybelle.

Day 34. Cheat!

I had a good day today. It started with sleeping for about 11 hours, so that was pretty awesome!
Then I weighed and measured myself and tried on my jeans. I was THRILLED to see that I could actually WEAR the pair of jeans I bought sometime last year!!! I got around, did some reading and then finally made it to the gym by 12pm. 4 hours after I got up.
Whatever. I got it done. I had a leg workout that took me an entire hour and a half to do. At first, I got really annoyed at how long it was taking--some of the exercises you do one leg at a time, so it takes twice as long, and I frequently add sets because I want to be sure I fatigue the muscle, and finally, I am really trying to build my calves, and those take 3 times as long because I do them in 3 different positions. But then I decided to be grateful that I HAD THE TIME. I easily could have gotten caught up with a shift at Green Bowl or something, but I didn't. I had the time and I used it toward my goal. That's good!

At 3pm, I finally cheated. At Wegman's. I did alright at first. I had 4 BBQ chicken wings (ZOMG SO GOOD) a mozzarella stick, a little Mac and cheese and some scalloped potatoes With a diet Pepsi and a Wegmans chocolate chip cookie.
But then I left to go to the mall. Once I got there, I decided that I would like a piece of pizza around 5pm.

Then I went to Barnes and Noble to browse, and on my way home, decided that this cheat day would not be complete without some potato chips. So I stopped at a unimart and bought a small bag of lays original and a small bag of Cheetos. I ate both. Except I left some of the chips. It was more stress eating than cheat eating.

The reason I've been so successful this time is because I've been able to follow the rules on the cheat meal. Last week I slipped a LITTLE, and this week, I slipped more. So, next Sunday, I will start my day with the intention of cheating with a purpose and a plan, and stop the runaway train business.
Pops in the morning! Good night!

Day33. Good.

I had a good day. Yoga was spot on. Did my lifting and running after that. Now I'm tired. Goodnight.

Day 32. I love Fridays.

Today was rough. I went to SLEEP around 11pm and woke up at 4:30am in order to get my workout in AND get to my 8am meeting on time. I wasn't in the best of spirits this morning and found myself forcing things and frustrated, which never works out.
It wasn't until I just got an unexpected pep talk from my coach that I really evened out. All day long, I was trying to relax, accept reality as it stands. But I found myself really getting critical of myself, in so many ways. I found myself in the fear of not being good enough, for what, I don't know. I just kept having little stretches of totally random anxiety. It probably had to do with lack of sleep.
But, and this is why I love my coach-she always says what I need to hear. Tonight she relayed a compliment from someone else which was so raw that it snapped me out of my self-inflicted lashings and helped me realize what a waste it is to not take stock of your own value.
Wow am I a lucky woman to have these people in my life. Not to mention, my am meeting was pretty uplifting and insightful too. I've been out of my comfort zone more often than I've been in it lately!
Well. Early to bed for me tonight.

Day 30. I got a prize!

I've gotta write fast cause its past my bedtime, but I got my stuff in order today. A few things were a little out of whack because of my cheat day, and today, they were finally righted. Phew!
Anyway, I did my workout this morning and totally found my sweet spot in cardio. Yesterday, I was working way too hard. At least I shocked my body! Today, I ran at 5.0, and it's really a mental challenge more than anything else. I eventually found this rhythm and started envisioning walking across the stage and striking a pose like Amy did in October 2012. It made me feel strong and really made me keep going. But it was EASIER. Anyway, that was unadulterated joy. That place. Hope I get there again.
But the highlight of my day was when Amy surprised me with a gift for all my hard work! It's been exactly 1 month, exactly phase 1!!! It totally made my day and reminded me to make the time to celebrate. I am truly grateful for the awesome people in my life. And I need to PAY IT FORWARD! It meant so much to me that she thought of me...I wanna give that...well back first ;), but also...who can I reach out to, celebrate for? I will find out.

Day 30, Week 5. The Start of Phase 2.

I have a goal tonight of being asleep by 9:30pm.  Seeing as it's 9:17pm, I better hurry the hell up.
Long day today.  Kicked it off with lifting and a half-hour of running on a treadmill and panting and snorking water like...I don't know...a really awkward girl next to a cute guy.  Whatever.  I owned it.  Ha.  No.  No I didn't.  But I DID IT!  And, it totally kicked my ass so hard I can't even believe it.  I only ran at 5.5mph, then 5.0.  I guess I haven't run for a half hour in a long time though.
My main issue today is that for some reason after meal #3 (well, my meals get much smaller, first of all), I am super hungry...so from about 4pm on, it's all I can do to just NOT EAT the food that is in front of me.  Tonight, I was sitting in front of lemon bars and some cranberry-apple crisp concoction from Trader Joe's.  I know hunger is part of the equation here...duh, that's how you burn fat.  But, when you let yourself get too hungry for too long, well, that's how you hang onto fat.  So.  I'm trying to figure out where I stand on that.
In other news, I got murderously angry around 5pm when I couldn't find the material I KNEW I DIDN'T LOSE, and came swiftly to the conclusion that someone else took it without my knowledge or permission.  Then I found it, buried under a stack of papers.  I really gotta stop looking outside myself for people to blame.

Speaking of which, I gotta hit the sack, or I'll find someone to blame.  :)

Day 28. Double workout!

Today was pretty awesome. I got a great pops workout in---working at 13 (!!!) on the stairmill! I managed to do my hair and makeup before work, and while I hate that it is a colossal waste of time, I can't help but appreciate how good I feel about myself on the days I do it. So, maybe it's not a waste.
I managed to have a surprise day in the office because of school cancellations and got a huge task off of my desk that has been lingering since Jan 7.
Finally, I got my second workout in and I took responsibility for making it count.
It's 7:30pm now and if I hurry, I can get my episode of Breaking Bad in!

Day 27. I'm beat.

I've been trying to watch an episode of Breaking Bad since 5pm today.  However, I had things that needed to be done.  I absolutely needed to get my food prepped for the week.  That's non-negotiable.  That goes before SLEEP and certainly before watching a tv show.  But then, I realized I needed to order more protein shake and glutamine, and then I realized I needed to track a couple of workouts and it wouldn't hurt me to write out a couple of workouts either.  Oh, and I needed to pack my bags for tomorrow---the gym AND work...and blah.  Here I am.  8:25pm, realizing I ALSO need to write my blog.
In good news, I had my cheat meal and it was finally one that the timing felt right about.  For the first three or four weeks, I couldn't figure it out, but any day that WASN'T my cheat meal day, I really wanted to cheat.  Well.  That's not true.  I would fantasize about cheating on those days, but it was absolutely not an option.  Then, on the day that my cheat meal came around, I wasn't interested.
Today, I may have overdone it.  Or maybe I did it just right.  We'll find out.  Either way, I'm finding that one meal, and one day even, isn't going to make or break this plan.

First, in the morning, I ate five egg whites even before my coffee because I woke up so damned hungry!!!  Then, I did my writing, and in the middle of writing, got the craziest urge to purge all the things in my room and closet that I am hanging onto that I don't really need.  That felt really good.  Unfortunately, I can't find the place to throw my bags of clothes into the donation box.  So I have 3 bags of clothes sitting in the backseat of my car.

Oh well.  At least they're not in the closet.  Worst case scenario, I'll throw them away.  I went to the gym feeling impatient about my workout because I was doing laundry at the same time.  I really don't like doing laundry AT ALL.  The only pleasant way I've found to do laundry is if I can watch an episode of something while it washes and dries.  I hate everything about laundry.  I hate sorting, I hate moving wet clothes, I don't hate folding, but I do wish it would put itself away.  So.  Going to the gym isn't the cure yet.  But, as I know, do something often enough and you will start to look forward to it.  So.  At the gym, I just kind of played around.  I wanted to be able to do "active rests" when Phase 3 rolls around.  The workouts look involved and like you do weird exercises, but I'm finding that's not really the case.  The weirdest exercise is doing a long jump 10 times in a row.  As long as I go when the downstairs classroom is empty I can use that space.  I can even do walking lunges down there.

Anyway, I had a crazy busy weekend, and I need my rest.  So, I'm done here.  Onward!

Day 26. Great day!

It's 8:30pm on a Saturday and I'm in bed because I need the sleep! I had a great day today. Yoga was fantastic, definitely pushed my comfort level. At times, sweat was falling out of my pores! I would say pouring sweat, but that saves you from the visual of me doing down dog with sweat running from my chest down my neck and dripping off from my nose, chin, and cheekbones. Get the picture?
It was a great core workout. I hope I feel it tomorrow.
I also managed to fit my lifting in today after yoga, something I've never done before. I was so excited to see Amy at the gym Sat morning-I dont usually, and i really wanted to point at my belly across the gym to say, OMG LOOK HOW MUCH FAT I BURNT FROM HERE!!! However, attention whore that I may be, I didn't want to draw attention to my belly fat. I do have to say though, it is INCREDIBLE how fast I am burning this fat this time. You know, people say it takes 21 days to create a habit, but that has not been my experience. The first time around, I wasn't ready or willing (or something) to control my portions or HOW MUCH I cheated. This time, which is probably the fourth honest effort I've made, I've mentally prepared myself, and I'm seeing the results. It's just that it is a process. It has taken me over a year and a half to establish some new habits, and I feel like that's a realistic timeframe for a lifestyle change. Anyway, didn't matter that I didn't flag Amy down because of course she noticed anyway. This is all so exciting!!!
My reward today was finally getting my hair cut at Designers Den. I've had a gift card forever, but they do not expire...yet when I went to pay, it didn't work. I had a feeling that would happen, but hopefully it will all get sorted out.
Anyway, the rest of the day was relaxing except for Wegman's. Why is Wegman's always a MADHOUSE!?!? Why can't they make their aisles easier to navigate?!? I may or may not have lost my patience a time or two and buzzed right through a bunch of Sunday drivers, who were blocking the way, making no discernible decisions, hanging around. Seriously, a grocery store is not where i hang out. I've got shit to do, folks. Move it or lose it.
Ok end rant. I probably should not go to Wegman's at 1pm on Saturday anymore. I turn pretty hostile, impatient, and intolerant. It's stressing me out just thinking about it.
After that I got to relax and debrief with my friend all afternoon. That's always a welcome treat. But by 6pm, I was worn out. Yoga usually does that to me.
So, I came home, did a few things for myself, and now I'm ready for Breaking Bad and bed. I might be developing a cold sore, so I definitely need the sleep!
Hosted by Maybelle, who is doing her thing she does: she likes to reach out and just touch me with one paw while she falls asleep. Lol makes me smile.

Day 25. Friday. Insert weak celebration here.

Every Friday I find myself more worn out than I can believe. All I want to do is lay on the couch and watch television.
That's where I'm at now, except I'm in bed because I have yoga in the morning.
I'm a little concerned that I won't have enough downtime this weekend. It will be filled with cooking, cleaning, working out and done projects of my own. But I really need some rest and relaxation. Hmmm. I can write while I cook at least.
Good day today. Found out my IDEAL time for arriving at the gym is 6:45am. I want to start the practice if wearing makeup every day, even though I think it is a colossal waste of time. But, the idea came to me when I had the thought: I brush my teeth before bed (as opposed to skipping it) because 3 whole minutes of brushing my teeth yields more benefits than 3 whole minutes of sleeping.
I think showing up looking polished every day is probably worth the 45 minutes to an HOUR that it takes me to shower, do hair and makeup. No. No, actually I don't think that. But NOT looking polished could hurt me sometimes. I'm too tired to do this anymore. I am getting my hair cut tomorrow! Yay!

Day 24! Another dollar another day.

I can't believe another week is almost over.  I'm so proud of myself for making it through Amy's class last night and getting some much needed sleep.  I got up at 6am today, which is not typical.  I normally get out of bed at 5:00-5:30am, but last night I slept funny.  I was exhausted, and fell asleep probably by 10pm, only to wake up 20 minutes later, feeling rested.  I went back to sleep and woke up again at 1:30am.  Again, thinking that it was time to get up.  Then, when my alarm went off at 5am, it was the most unwelcome sound in the world.  I don't know what that was about, but I was glad I could sleep in until 6am today.
So, I got up and did my thing.  I REALLY love my coffee and writing routine in the morning.  It is actually something I prefer to sleeping, and that's saying something.  I continued my routine right to the gym, where I am more and more unable to tolerate dragging two big bags to the gym.  Today, I decided, I would upgrade. 
Anyway, at the gym, I really could take my time.  I didn't have to be anywhere until 1pm, so I did.  But that meant I took potty breaks and didn't wear down my muscles (tris and chest) like I should.  So I ended up doing lots of extra sets and just generally not making the best use of my time.  Although, the leisurely pace was a welcome change.  I even added 3 sets of bicep curls because I felt I robbed myself of them yesterday.
Speaking of yesterday, I forgot about a reward I gave myself!  Immediately after the gym, I went to meet someone to talk about personal development stuff (I LOVE THAT STUFF!).  Anyway, as I was sitting in Saint's shivering, all I could think about was how nice it would be to take a long hot shower.  Who would think that could be a reward???  But it totally was.  I think I had the best shower of my life yesterday!  Lol.  I was really cold to the bone.  That shower was fantastic.
Anyway, today my reward was a little shopping spree to get a new bag.  I also needed a new shirt, because after my shower, I realized I didn't bring a shirt for work.  Anyway.  I ended up getting a new bag, a shirt, a pair of pants, tights, socks and a towel.  It felt awesome.
I had a great day today and followed my plan even though people complained about my kale shake.  Which reminds me...need to buy more kale tonight.  :)

Day 23! Rewards!

I noticed yesterday that in the middle of my 12 hour work day (bookended by a 5am wake up and knowing I wouldn't get to bed until 10pm if I was lucky) that I needed something. I was feeling stressed, drained, irritable, and I wanted NO ONE TO SPEAK TO ME. This is atypical, to say the least.
So I stopped at Barnes and Noble, because it was calling my name. I picked up several books until I landed on one that caught my interest, and I pored over it until I felt better. Then, I went on with my day.
Today, I noticed that same need for space. I just wanted to be invisible. I wanted people to FORGET MY NAME. Just at work, though, I realize now. This did not extend to saying hi to friends or even having a meeting about personal development this morning.
So tonight, I rewarded myself with lots of alone time.
It occurred to me today that in the past, I would have EATEN when I felt those moods. It didn't even occur to me to EAT in order to feel better. I guess that's just part of the deal, though. Feed your body predictably, and you're able to nurture yourself instead if medicate with food.

I had a double workout day today! I had a rough time fitting all if my lifting in because of my 8am meeting...I really need to rethink what I sign up for. That was not realistic from the start. Anyway, I did get my lifting done, I DID eat consistently today, and I did my best in Amy's class, although I was making quite a few excuses for myself during it: Oh I'm tired! Oh, I'm emotionally depleted! Oh I CAN'T! And, I noticed that those thoughts really made me underperform.
At one point we were doing push-ups and I finally felt really strong because, on my knees, I can lower all the way to the floor, and I remember cranking out push-ups like it was nothing...but it was definitely all in what I was telling myself.
I was also really bagging on myself-the way I look, especially my stomach. I carry so much fat around my middle, it's almost comical. I have these muscly shoulders and arms, skinny legs, for the most part, and then this belly that makes me look 5 months pregnant. I couldn't stop staring and wondering, "Why? Why haven't I lost this weight yet? This is embarrassing. I look terrible. Other people have to look at me. I should have worn something so they don't have to see my belly fat move."
I do not normally feel this way or talk to myself this way. I'm not sure what's going on there. Instead of focusing on how much my body has adjusted, just from the first week of Amy's class, forget about lifting, just the improvements in this class--no I was focusing on the area I feel most vulnerable about, and labeling myself a failure because of it.
So, by the end of class, I decided to appreciate what changes I could notice. I noticed that I can actually touch my back knee to the ground on a lunge. My balance is improving. I'm figuring out the dance moves. I can tolerate a lot more burning in my muscle than I used to. All these things represent growth and change, and I need to remember to celebrate, not cut myself down.
I also noticed the "you won't lose anymore fat" fear creep in tonight.
I know that is wrong.
My diet is awesome, and I'm shocking my body on a regular basis. The inches will come off, slowly but surely. And meanwhile I am building healthy habits I have always wanted to maintain, but wasn't sure I ever could.
Plus, I have awesome, encouraging people in my corner. :)

Day 22, Am I Really in Week 4?

Tuesdays and Thursdays are my long days because I teach until 9pm at night and that really kills any downtime I have before going to bed...but I'm doing my blog anyway.  I am SO AMAZED at how fast I am burning fat!!!  I have these awesomely muscly shoulders, and just today I noticed that I must have burnt an entire pound off of my butt!  It feels so amazing to make a decision to change something about yourself and then watch it happen.
I also managed to get AWESOME sleep last night.  Let's hope for that again tonight.
I turned a new leaf this week (seems to be happening a lot lately), and stopped pan-frying my cod.  It is delicious to pan-fry it in olive oil, and I thought a little fat actually HELPS burn fat, but Jamie Eason said absolutely DO NOT DO THIS.  Of course, Amy told me not to cook it in oil either, but for some reason I need to hear this message (or any message, for that sake) several times before it sinks in.  I can't tell you how many times Amy told me to lift weights, and I didn't.  Although I didn't know what to do.  Once I got my 12-week plan, I became a monster at lifting!!!
Anyway, I'm baking my cod now, and I'm even able to eat 5 times a day, although the last two meals are usually:  protein and kale shake, then just protein.  I don't know if that's the best arrangement.
I'm also thinking I need a new system for the gym in the morning.  I always bring in two bags:  One carries all my shower stuff, clothes, shoes, makeup and towel.  The other carries my purse, water bottle, muscle martini drink, eggs and oatmeal, headphones, and attachment for my phone.  I feel clunky coming to the gym with two huge bags and hit both doors on my way in.  I'm surprised I don't take somebody out as I walk down the walkway.  I'd like a sleeker bag...but let's face it, I'm carrying a lot of stuff, and I use it all!  I could rent a locker, but that wouldn't really solve the problem...I'd need to wash my towel, and I still need to bring food, drinks, and clothes every day.  I guess I'll sleep on it for now.

Day 21. In bed early!

I didn't get good sleep last night, and had a stressful day, and you know, I never even considered falling off my plan. It just isn't an option.
I did my pops this morning and surprised myself. I wasn't feeling particularly pumped, but I managed to crank it up a notch in the stair mill and the treadmill.
15 pops in all.
Then at 5:30 I did Kerry's class and got a solid sweat on. I LOVE that when my muscles are working they pump up. I never really KNEW that! Tonight, I could see a simple in the front of my shoulder!!! It's kind of awesome.
Well, my reward is Breaking Bad. Then bed. Another big day tomorrow.

Day 20. Emotionally depleted.

I had a tough day today. I only ate 3 times: eggs before workout, eggs and oatmeal after, and then my cheat meal, which was steak, potatoes, rice, and bread. Although I didn't eat that much because I'm just a little heartbroken at the moment.
I'm sure I didn't do everything I wanted to do today, but I did do all my food prep, laundry and dishes.
Today is just another lesson in yoga: embrace the temporary pain for some permanent growth.
Whatever. I'm not cheery. Going to bed as soon as these turkey muffins are done.

Day 19. It's late, busy day.

Today is Saturday and that means yoga. Nothing got in my way, and I went to class fed and partially rehydrated from my very dry apartment. I definitely met my goal of holding a shake longer than I thought I could. I was super proud of how I did.
I knew that later on in the day, I would need to do a shoulder/abs workout, but I was a little concerned because my chest and legs are still sore, and I didn't know if I was approaching over-training from lifting every single day for over two weeks.
I wasn't sure, so I asked Amy...who told me listen to my body, and that it was ok to take a day off. Ironically, that permission all of a sudden CHANGED my mind about whether or not I needed a day off. Suddenly, I felt like my body could handle it.
However, at 4:30pm, I was offered a shift at Green Bowl, and considering the fact that I just spend $100 on groceries for the WEEK, and just bought a new pair of headphones (thanks to Maybelle), the smartest thing I could do was take the shift. So, I ended up not lifting after all.
Tomorrow I will have to mix up getting my shoulders worked and practice a phase 3 workout.
Anyway, I'm doing great on this plan, I'm eating like a machine and I'm burning fat like a torch. I finally understand the thing I've heard a hundred times, "When I started lifting weights, the fat just melted away." You betcha.
Well it's super late and I wanna watch Breaking Bad, so good night!

Day 18. Rest.

Wow this week was BUSY and it went by in a flash. I've noticed that, because I write my blog right before bed, and it inevitably DELAYS sleep, I leave out SO MUCH STUFF.
So I'm gonna try to give you an idea of what has changed for me. First, I drink my coffee black. Or, is it first that I get up between 5am and 6am? That's a habit now, because I get to write and drink coffee as soon as I wake up and I REALLY look forward to that. I'm really AMAZED that just a few short months ago, I would roll out of bed just in time to do what I needed to do. The end result is that I was often late, rushed or disorganized. Now, I'm putting my clothes out the night before, I'm making sure the morning has as few bumps in the road as possible.
So, NEXT would be that I drink my coffee black. OH HOW I RESISTED THIS! I tortured myself with thoughts of how delicious coffee creamer is, or that my stomach would react poorly to coffee without creamer. The truth of the matter is that I don't even think about it anymore. The act of drinking my coffee resumed its original level of pleasure on the second day I had it black. NOTABIGDEAL.
I found a routine that helps me floss every day! Do you know how long I have failed at that? My entire adult life. That's how long. Why did I fail? I never wanted to do it right before bed, I'd rather just skip it and go to bed. And the mornings, well, we know how they were going. So, now I've established a morning routine that just FEELS right.
I pack my lunch every day, and actually, my clean diet allows me to function so much better, even on less sleep!
Today, in particular, I was on cloud nine. For some reason, I just bounced my way into the gym...actually, I'm pretty confident that reason was that it is Friday and I can sleep forever. So, for right now, those are the significant changes I've made. I'm sure I'll continue to make changes. Today, I had an AWESOME workout...I got to the gym earlier than usual, so I decided to tack some things onto the beginning of my workout...like 6 minutes of warm up, since I figured warm muscles would probably work better for me. Then, I tacked on an extra set of calf raises because my legs are so skinny.
But I'm falling asleep writing this, so I should probably get some rest.
Tomorrow is yoga, and I'm hoping to get up at my normal time. I am on call until 9am so I hope everyone has a safe Friday night!

Oh, and I had a dream about living in a house with one of these green house rooms. I WANT!

Day 17-highlight=triceps

I've had another really long day, and in it I met someone who has come so far overcome so much, and achieved things that I would have thought impossible for myself. I was truly humbled to hear her story. I also opened up to MORE questions about what is possible.
That made me wonder, "is all of this effort just superficial? I mean, I care about my triceps and this woman is changing the world."
Then I realized that my inner critic had come out to play. It always wants to dash my hopes. First, it will say it's not possible, then when I realize it IS possible,
It just changes tactics and argues that it's not a worth while goal.
So, eff off inner critic. I'm doing this.
I've thought for a long time that in order to achieve my ultimate dreams, this step must come first: the step of mastering myself, or rather the process, since it is hardly a step. Plus, I do EVERYTHING better when I am following this plan and working out on a schedule. I am more disciplined, make better use of my time, and foresee problems ahead of time.
So lets celebrate these triceps with a pic, and then I'm going to bed!

Day 16! It's 9pm and I am so happy to go to bed.

I had a great and busy day today.  I'm learning to stay on task a lot more, and use a simple trick I learned from a college student-when I think I can't do ANY work because I need a nap or I'm just having a hard time concentrating...well, this is a good time to do something that doesn't take much mental work, like preparing copies.
I realize that sounds simple, but it gives me a option that I never thought about before.
I ate well today, although not always on time (I was teaching classes and only got a ten minute break for one of my lunches, but it was minor)
I also drank a protein shake after Amy's class tonight (had two workouts today, back and bi's and then HIIT), because my legs are so sore that I thought I needed the extra protein.  No.  No that's not why I did it at all.  I did it because I was craving a shake, and I'm out of balance, and I figured that if I didn't give myself the shake it would create an even bigger imbalance.  So, I'm taking a hot shower and going to bed now. :)