Week 3, Day 4. Confession. No. Confessions.

Well.  It's safe to say I fell off my plan.

I had a BLAST at the Nature Inn at Bald Eagle State Park.  It was hot and humid, so I sat on my deck and relaxed.  I watched a deer for a while.

I also drank beer.  3 of them.  I talked to my brother, I made s'mores.  I tried to take a feral cat home with me.  I thought better of it, though.

The following day, I felt I had been cheated out of my cheat day (I didn't intend to cheat, but I was unprepared for the food options), so I went to Waffle Shop.  Then, later, Chick-fil-a. 

I also skimped on sleep one night because I had a presentation to give and I needed to prepare myself for it so that I could do a great job.  I did do a great job, but the lack of sleep hurt my determination to eat well. 

I made it to Amy's class on Wednesday, and I KILLED IT!  I couldn't believe that I was so tired and yet performing really well!  It gave me a new sense of what my body is capable of.  It didn't hurt that I got lots of encouragement from Amy. :)

Then I went to a friend's place for an art class, which was AWESOME!!!  And, she had coconut margaritas.  I resisted for a half-hour, but then (I blame sleep deprivation.  I would never last as a parent.) I ended up having one.  And some wine.  And later a beer.  And even later, three slices of pizza.

So.  Today was a new day.  I started it off not so great.  Woke up exhausted, no time to cook.  So I ate a breakfast special from Irving's.  Double Egg!  Then the day just went so fast!  I ended up trying to make good choices at Wegman's. 

I did manage to make myself a chicken ceasar salad with romaine and spinach.  However, I also bought a slice of pizza, a chocolate chip cookie, and I bought a mocha frappuccino at Starbucks. 

I think I'm ready for some food that is fuel and that helps me stay even.  I've just got to get the ball rolling.  You can see I even fell off the blogging wagon.  Although I did type up a blog last night whilst under the influence.  By some small miracle, it failed to publish.  Lucky me!

So.  The first step is self-care.  Getting to bed at a decent hour.  That is my next goal.

Week 3, Day 7. Ate clean, tomorrow is my mini-vacation!

It's LATE again, so I'll make it quick.
I got weird sleep last night, but I got up and went for a little run before breakfast anyway. Just a half hour, just to get used to working out before breakfast.

But, that meant I didn't eat breakfast until 10:30ish. I'm pretty sure it's important to eat AT THE SAME TIMES EVERY DAY. But I did my best with it. I'll do better tomorrow, and the next day, even.

After I ate my second meal, I fell asleep waiting for my friend to come over to house sit while I'm gone. Really, I just want someone to keep Maybelle company. ;) I'm a certified cat lady now, hahaha.

The nap was really nice, but I woke up with a headache, which might have been caffeine-related, but I managed not to have any coffee today!

Anyway, I ate clean UNTIL I had a bag of dried cranberries, almonds, and sunflower seeds in front of me. I ate them until they were gone.

I think I was triggered into stress-eating because I knew I was going to see The Avengers and I wouldn't have the right amount of time to est a 4th meal AND I would have to resist soda and popcorn. That stressed me out, I think. I let myself eat mindlessly.

The cranberries were quite a treat, and I'm sure that didn't help my runaway train of eating. All said and done, it was probably 1,000 calories. Maybe 1500. Yikes. I don't like admitting that.

But I saw The Avengers and it was awesome! Best movie...maybe ever. Except maybe for The Wizard of Oz. Hahaha.

Anyway, I'm all prepped food wise for tomorrow and eating clean, and then I can CHEAT on Tuesday!!! I'm so excited to stay at the inn!

One thing I did make sure I did was take my shot of vinegar. I never did that regularly, but I'm finding it really does keep you balanced. I'm going to try to do it daily. See what it does for me.

Ok, well that's all! Celebrating tomorrow!!!

Week 3, Day 6. Long day.

I was too busy watching a movie to go to bed at a normal hour last night, and I appear to be repeating the pattern tonight, so quick blog.

I got up and ran before work today! Yay! So I got to buy myself colored pencils from Michaels!

I ate clean today except I did have almost half of a diet pepsi to keep me awake on my trip home.

Really don't have much to say except I have a lot of work to do before I get to stay at Bald Eagle.

Well I can say that I'm getting used to eating clean. Twice this week, I ate tuna out of the can. I'm feeling SKINNY AGAIN! Today I weighed 132.0, down two pounds from yesterday, but I don't expect that to last.

Tonight I'm detoxing with vinegar so that the diet pepsi doesn't screw with my system all night. Good night!

Week 3, Day 5. This is amazing.

Soon, I will have pictures.

And I'm so excited about it!!!

Today, I am feeling stronger than ever about my ability to make good choices! Now, it may be that the stress level in my life has decreased dramatically, but if this is the effect, then I need to make sure I keep it that way, if at all possible!

I had a great day today. I didn't struggle at all. I treated myself to a cup of coffee this morning, and I had my iced tea I'm allowed to have.  I did really want a second one after dinner, because it was so hot and humid, but I decided against it.

I was pumped full of energy all day long. That's the huge benefit to making those sacrifices and making hard decisions. You feel amazing and you are far more productive. At leat I am. I was so wired, I'm surprised no one told me to take a few laps around the building at work.

At 5:00pm, I did my lifting. And I did a damn solid job too! Even the muscle guys were like "Wow, you are WORKING IT, GIRL!"

Ok, I made that up. But I DID work it, for the record.

I ate clean. I even ate raw veggies! Yummy cucumbers.
I kept my portions under control.

I didn't let mindless eating happen.  Even though I had the impossible-to-resist, have-eaten-the-entire-container-in-one-day ROASTED SALTED ALMONDS. They are like potato chips to me. Can't have just one.

Right now, I could be doing some much-needed work, but instead I'm taking a breather. Today went by in a flash. I did A LOT. Now I need to allow some relaxation.

But as I reflect on my day, I had this awesome experience to share.  While I was lifting, my clothes did their magic trick where I look a lot skinnier when I finish. I honestly think that you sweat and your clothes start to loosen or something. I really LOOK different...OR my brain is screwing with me. Either way, I like it.

Anyway, while that "Look, all of a sudden I'm svelte!" was happening, I was stretching my triceps and realized, "Oh my god. This is really happening. I can see me in a bikini. And looking good!  I am really going to rock a bikini this summer!"

Wow, so many negative thoughts just came up when I thought it just now. At the gym, there was no doubt. This. Is. Really. Happening.

I am no longer a person who can't follow through, who makes excuses, who doesn't believe in her own ability. This is really happening. I know what to do and how to do it. I know where to go if I'm stuck.

And I know I deserve to look my personal best, regardless if that makes me someone who is bending to the conventional standards of beauty. I deserve to be able to wear whatever I want. And I'm the only one who can decide if that happens.

I'll have all of 80 and beyond to be invisible. I don't have to be invisible right now, and I refuse to be. In fact, I plan on standing out and getting noticed and when I do, I will look damn good.

For some reason, I believe that mastering my physical fitness is the first step, or critical, or SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT to something I'm going to be doing soon. I don't know what that is, but it's always seemed that way to me.

I just have to channel that certainty on Tuesday morning at the Nature Inn when I want to have their breakfast buffet.

Now, I COULD start my cheat day Tuesday morning, and that way I could just have their breakfast, no guilt. But I worry that it won't be that good.

But maybe that's exactly what I'll do. But if I do that, I'm at the mercy of what they offer. And what if it's not as good as waffle shop???

Oh. But if I have my cheat day Monday, then I have to get up and do an interval workout when I will want to be relaxing.  And I shouldn't make it MORE difficult to do intervals by being in a new place without access to gym equipment, while I want to be relaxing.

If I eat clean Monday...well that shouldn't be too hard. I can bring my food.

Ooooh, and that means I will do intervals BEFORE breakfast AND Amy's class at 5:30pm. Too much? Nah. I have totally got this. I will burn through lots of fat and hopefully reset my set point!!!

Well. Looks like Waffle Shop will have to be my treat next week. But I can have waffles and french toast in the inn on Tuesday morning!!!

I was going to bring wine for Monday night, but I don't need it, and it was really just a luxury thing. The image or idea of relaxing on the patio with a glass of wine. The reality is, I'll probably get drunk and throw all my body systems off and regret it anyway.

So. It's decided. Wish me luck!

Week 3, Day 4. I can go to bed now.

I did a great job today although I don't particularly feel like celebrating.  Work is piling up at work, and I feel like I'm never going to have the time to do it all.  Truth be told, I'm probably not.  I'm probably going to have to prioritize.

Anyway.  I had a GREAT start to my day!  I slept like a baby, like I knew I would, and woke up at 8am, although I did not exactly JUMP out of bed.  I hit snooze a few times and FINALLY got up for my FIRST HORSEBACK RIDING LESSON!

I must say, I've been TRYING to get up and work out before breakfast, but I guess I haven't found a reward good enough to ACTUALLY make me go to bed on time and get up on time.  There are SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO!  I would have to be in bed by 9:30pm and up at 5:30am.  One of these days, I'll have to do it and see how good it feels.  The reason I want to do it is because if you work out before breakfast, you will burn more calories all day long...you're working out on an empty stomach and you're revving up your metabolism first thing.

All I really have to say is that my riding lesson was SO AWESOME!  As I was on the horse, I thought, "This is starting to feel like work.  I didn't come here to work.  Hmmm.  What else am I supposed to get out of this?"  The trainer is AMAZING.  She has this amazing connection with the animals.  I can't entirely describe it, but I HAVE GOT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT IT.  My riding lessons are rewards for sticking to my plan.  Hmmmm, maybe I should not reward myself if I don't get up and go to the gym.

I weighed in at 134.2lbs today (yesterday was 134.6) but I'm not going to get hung up on that.  I ate clean, and mostly at the right time, but I only got THREE meals in today.  The last one was at Green Bowl.  Chicken and vegetables.  Cooked in sesame oil.  I know I know.  I still call it clean.  I just fried my food, that's all.  I was careful about portions (of oil) at least!

Ok, yet again, I'm writing at the end of a day where I'm really tired.  I deserve a reward of some kind when I get home!  And I bet Maybelle is dying for some attention.  I can't believe on Monday night I'll be staying at Bald Eagle!  I'm so excited!  And I have a babysitter for Maybelle, so that's a relief.  Good night!

Week 3, Day 3. I did great today!

It's 9:30pm and I MUST go to bed soon!  I'll write a quick blog.

The only cheating I did today was that for my fat for meal#2, I had roasted salted almonds instead of raw cashews. They are JUST SO GOOD!

I feel like I got a lot done today. I bought some groceries, cooked some chicken, went toAmy's class (which was so kickass I'm gonna sleep like I'm dead tonight) and hung out with a friend I really truly appreciate more every time I see her. How is that possible???

AND, I also got to talk to Amy after class. I'm learning a lot about leadership from her. Something about the way she is/interacts with me makes me want to work so hard for it. I've definitely learned to focus on the positive...everybody knows that, but Amy takes it to a whole new level, and I think it really changes the way your brain works. Sometimes she just says things that turn a bad run completely around, but I haven't quite figured it out yet.

Anyway, I didn't have any temptations today. Well except the almonds, haha. But my stress level was low, my energy level was high, and I feel like my path is unfolding in front of me in all areas of my life.  My job is to enjoy the ride. And work like hell.  But first, enjoy the ride, take in the scenery and look long over the horizon of where I am heading...gotta make sure the destination looks great. Then I can work like hell to get there. :)

Tomorrow is my FIRST HORSEBACK RIDING LESSON IN OVER 10 YEARS!!!  I am so excited! If I hadn't had Amy's class, I'm not sure I would sleep tonight. Hmmmm. My jeans are dirty...i don't have a solution for that.

Anyway, that's all for today. Oh, but I forgot that after my cheat day, I weighed 136.6 or something. Not terrible for the cheat day I had! And today I weighed in at 134.6, so that made me SUPER HAPPY!

I am also REALLY looking forward to spending the night at the Nature Inn. The only thing I haven't figured out is that I want to have the whole experience...dinner and wine the night I sleep over, coffee and french toast for breakfast in the morning. I've got to talk to Amy about how to manage that. I want it to be a 2-day vacation, but I kind of wonder if that's Betsy-who-doesn't-know-how to-be-skinny talking.

It may very well be that I will be on a roll of losing weight when I get there and letting my food choices relax for two days might be a terrible thing to do WHILE I'm trying to lose weight. And, is it possible that my time will be just as enjoyable with egg whites in the morning? Ok, that's hard for me to believe...egg whites versus french toast?

But I'll work it out. It may be that I'm not ready or willing to have a 2-day vacation and eat clean on one of those days. It may also be that I'm ready to s-t-r-e-t-c-h myself and have a different experience of what "vacation" means. We'll see.

Week 3, Day 2. I'm up late.

Amy told me to keep today SUPER CLEAN! So I did. It was hard. I DID eat 7 roasted salted almonds while I was waiting for meal#4 to heat up. I'm starting to incorporate raw vegetables into my diet. I really prefer them cooked. Fried, even. :)

Today I had raw broccoli with one meal. I can add celery and cauliflower easily. It's just SO MUCH TASTIER raw with dip! Especially celery. But hey. That's not how you see your belly muscles.

Here's my day in a nutshell 6am-7am: hit snooze button. 7:15am-8:15am gym...did 15 pops. 10 on the elliptical and 5 on the stairmill (and those were killer!

Then 9am-9:30pm, I worked, with an hour of delivering posters for the 4k4koan at lunchtime.

I wanted to do some lifting, but that never happened. Got to get some sleep now!

Week 3, Day 1. Cheat Day!

So, I chose today as my cheat day because I knew that I would be at a training all day and that we would likely be having a working lunch...which we kind of did.

In retrospect, I could have brought cooked chicken and raw broccoli to eat while everyone else ate what they provided, but I didn't have it prepared. As it turns out, it would have been better if I had done that, because as it was, I wasted some of my cheat day calories on a meal I wasn't really crazy about.

But I'm learning something about cheat days. I approach it as my opportunity to eat everything and anything in sight. To get my fill.  But, doing that reinforces some kind of terrible cycle and frame of mind which is something like this: I deprive myself all week long and then on one day, I get to satisfy all those unfulfilled urges.

This will not help a person lose weight.

The mindset I'm trying to adopt is that MOST of the time, I should be eating lean protein, vegetables, and some fruit. Not because it's depriving, but because it's best for my body. My body feels GREAT on the days I eat clean. It's smelling food or seeing food that I know would taste SO GOOD that's difficult.

So, my meal of choice today was Chick-fil-a (if someone can tell me what the hell that's supposed to stand for, I would really appreciate it).  But I knew I was probably over my limit of food for my cheat day, so I'm sure I'm gonna pay for it in terms of extra fat being stored on my body.

But I am ready for that challenge!!!

It's 7:54pm right now, and as soon as I finish this blog, I'll read a little, and then I'll go to bed. I'm tired already anyway.

I planned on going for a run tonight because it seemed like it would feel good, but it was raining out, so I decided to pass.

Instead, I fed my inner artist child and went to Michaels and then Lowes. I ended up buying a mirror for my apartment. I'm such a bachelor kind of girl. I don't decorate. I have the bare essentials. I'm never here ANYWAY! But, I wanted a mirror, so I got one.

It's simple, espresso finish (my favorite, goes with anything, no fuss), and all I had to do was hang it. Knowing that I've never hung anything that required any kind of skill before, I asked the people at Lowes "Can I hang this if the nails are already drilled into the wall? Because I'm not drilling any more nails in the wall. It's concrete. I've got to use what I've got. Oh, I can? Ok, all I have to do is move these little things around in the back of the mirror and screw them in?  Ok great! Thanks!"

So I did that. And I had no idea how to gauge the thickness of the wood to ensure the nail didn't come out the other side. I didn't even think it was a possibility.

Oh. How upsetting when I turned the mirror over to see nails protruding through the pretty espresso finish of a mirror I bought no less than 30 minutes ago. Ruined.

But I didn't have long to be upset about it before I got an update about my friend whose son has leukemia and is currently undergoing some really unpleasant treatments.

I mean seriously, who has time to get upset about a mirror?

That's all I've got for you. Except that if you could help my friend out (she's the one who opened her home to keep Maybelle when I couldn't keep her at my place, and her whole family said yes at a moment's notice) please go to
www.kids4koan.com and click on the gofundme link and donate. DONATE! They really would appreciate the support, and they would do it for someone else in a heartbeat...they already have.

I would really appreciate it too. This breaks my heart to see them go through this. All we can do is help in ways we can. Most of us can donate something. Shout-out to Tracy and Christine who already have. :)

Week 2, Day 7, I think.

I had another great day today!
I weighed in at 133.6, but I'm just at the point where the numbers fluctuate so much that I can let go. I like to check every day because it gives me a concrete data point, but like Amy says, don't get caught up in the numbers.

So, I had my healthy breakfast and then went to the barn to see the horses. Today I got to give a horse named Mel a bath. She was SO WELL BEHAVED!

I REALLY wanted a high fat, high sugar caffeinated drink when I got done. So...I stopped at Dunkin Donuts and got an iced coffee with skim milk and lite on the sugar. It so wasn't worth it. I didn't even drink it. Meaning, it didn't taste at all like I had hoped. So, instead of priming myself to need caffeine tomorrow, I dumped it.

I was thinking that maybe it was time for a cheat day and that's why I was craving high-sugar, high-fat...but as it turns out, as soon as I got home, I ate my clean meal and took a three hour nap. And I slept SO HARD!  I should pay better attention to how tired I am, because that's when I have cravings of all kinds. That nap was just what I needed. Not cheat-day food.

Oh, I was totally having awesome dreams about my friend's crazy wedding...among other things. But I was out so hard that I think I remember waking up at one point but I was so exhausted, I couldn't even open my eyes. It didn't scare me because I had no motivation to move whatsoever, but, looking back, I really couldn't move. I guess there is some sort of phase of sleep where a hormone is secreted through your body to paralyze you so that you can't sleepwalk and hurt yourself. I knew that, but I've never felt it so strongly.

Anyway, I forgot to mention that the CUTEST and SWEETEST thirteen year old boy taught me how to wash a horse all over again. His momma must be one proud lady.

When I woke up from my nap, I knew I needed to go to the gym for a lifting session.  Oh, but I could have stayed there all day!  So I got up and went.

One thing that I read in my Mel Robbins book, Stop Saying You're Fine, is that when you're feeling stuck and like you can't possibly do the thing you're supposed to do...start imagining yourself doing it. Amy calls this visualization (as do plenty of people) and she's been telling me this all along, but now I am finally starting to grasp how to use it.

I was kind of excited for my warm-up, which was just 10 minutes on the elliptical. It's not challenging, but it feels great. Then I did 8 exercises. 2 sets of all but the last one because I was shaky. Squats, forward lunges, bicep curls, tricep dips, dead lifts, push ups, chest press, and something we did in Kerry's class where you basically do a dead lift with less weight and lift one leg straight out behind you so that your upper body and lifted leg make a straight line parallel to the ground. I'll call them arabesques, even though I seriously doubt I'm right about that.

I didn't do this twice because it was hard enough the first time through. I practically fell over 3 times in a set of ten.

I thought about doing more, but I thought I could always build onto what I started next time.  Sometime good enough is good enough.

I immediately went to Green Bowl and ate. Lots of veggies...spinach, book choy, cabbage, squash, mushrooms with chicken. I put one scoop of sesame oil on my bowl...but then I cooked my chicken with it.  It's soooooo good I can hardly help myself. So, I figured with the veggies, I didn't need extra carbs, and with the sesame oil, I definitely got my fat.

I bought groceries and SO BADLY wanted to eat the roasted salted almonds (I'm hooked) with dried cranberries. But I didn't. I did buy some, but when I got home, I realized it was 9pm and I REALLY should not have anything to eat at that hour.

Today I also discovered (thanks to some help from Amy!) that when I want a treat that's a drink, like I so desperately did for the past couple of days, I can have Honest Tea's Peach Oo-la-long tea. I can probably have other kinds as well.

Well it's 10:19pm, and I want to get up for a run in the morning, so goodnight!

Week 2, Day 6. I almost forgot to blog!

Today was a good day. It was full of making good decisions.

I worked at Green Bowl, made good choices about food, made sure to go to the gym BEFORE going out to see the horses.  And I had a nice reintroduction to pops after that episode LAST Saturday that left me sore for 5 days. Man, I am STILL not right from that. I can't stretch as far or as deep...but I suppose more work on those muscles is the best remedy.

I should really stop waiting until right before I go to bed to write my blog because I can't express myself for the life of me, and I forget 90% of what I wanted to say. I'll have to adhere to a schedule better from now on.

One thing I can say was that the horses were a real treat. At one point, I kind of "came to".  I was so excited about being around the horses that  when I walked away for a second, I kind of came back to myself and realized I didn't know what time it was or what day it was. I couldn't remember if I had come from my full-time job or what, and I couldn't remember if it was morning or afternoon or evening.  In my mind, I very slowly recalled that information...in real life it probably happened rapidly.

Anyway, I think they call that "flow", and I think I need to do a whole lot more of it.

So I am scheduled for a lesson Thursday morning at 9am, provided I haven't double-booked myself. I still haven't checked my calendar, but I'm pretty sure I don't have to work until the afternoon.

Anyway, this lesson is a reward for staying on my plan for the week. So...tonight I REALLY wanted a cold beer, but I would have settled for a glass of wine. At first, I was pulled up to the liquor store, ready to buy wine. But I knew I wouldn't have just one glass. I'd have enough that it would negatively impact my diet. So, I never even got out of my car. I just put it in reverse and left.

The only thing is, it kept cropping up in my brain, "A glass (bottle) of wine would be so great right now." And, actually, it pissed me off.  It was like a child asking if they can have a friend over a hundred times. At first, your resolve is really strong, and then you stop remembering all the reasons this is a bad idea. Eventually, the idea seems only moderately bad. Which makes it HARDER to say no to.

ARRRRGH!!!

I wanted to be able to say, "If you keep asking me, you will go to your room." But I couldn't get away from it.

I'm still not away from it. For some reason for the past few days, alcohol has been very tempting.  But I've resisted. I have been awfully tired, and that's usually a trigger.  I'll have to think about that.

That's pretty much it. I'm going to the barn tomorrow too, so I suppose I should go to bed.

Oh, one last thing, I weighed in at 132.8 today, which surprised me because of the almonds!  Down .2lbs (probably water, but at least it's not UP .2 lbs!) We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Week 2, Day 5. I made a series of good decisions today.

I'm having a hard time writing this, because Maybelle is rubbing her head up against my hands.  I'm either gonna have to get a roommate or another cat. She also started crying loudly anytime I leave now. It's so pathetic, I feel so bad for her.

So anyway.

I got up too late to write my morning pages today.  No surprise there, I went to bed too late. But today for breakfast, I had eggs and oatmeal. No banana. I'm still trying to undo those extra pounds I put on a couple of days ago so the oatmeal was enough. I also picked up a coffee because I was feeling groggy. I don't want to get in the habit of doing that  I feel so much better when I don't drink coffee. Although I love the way it...well, I love everything about coffee except when I get the jitters.

Anyway. I went to work and had a spectacularly productive day. I ate my meals on time...protein shake and apple with peanut butter, then green bowl, all veggies, chicken, sesame oil, no rice because I had so many veggies that covered my carb requirement.

Then, something happened. I started to feel anxious. I started to interpret everything I encountered as signs that "nobody likes you, everybody hates you" and all of a sudden I wanted chick-fil-a and pizza like nobody's business.

I started running through my head all the people who haven't called me or asked to me hang out. Writing it doesn't sound as ridiculous as it was in real life. Really, I am guilty of not initiating with friends. And actually there are a few close friends who always are willing to hang out. I was just looking to justify why I felt so bad.

And then I realized...it had nothing to do with anybody but myself.

I ate a Hershey Kiss. Just one.

I experience free-floating anxiety, which brings depression along for the ride. For no good reason, (well, it's usually triggered by stress) I will become insanely fearful and then have thoughts like, "Why am I even here?  Ah, it's too messy to end it."  Those are called suicidal thoughts, in case it want clear to you. We all have them. I just have them more often than is normal. 

But I've finally figured out how to short out that wiring in my brain.

I used to think that this made me deficient or that my life was all wrong and that's why I felt this way. Or that everybody really DOES hate me.

But now I've figured out that because of something beyond my control, I periodically have these episodes of intense sadness or uselessness. If I choose to believe that it's real and make choices that I feel like making (eat my weight in ice cream, drink til I pass out), the episode lasts longer. Maybe another day or two. Maybe a whole week. That can happen if there is any viable evidence that what I am feeling is grounded in reality.

But, it is NEVER grounded in reality.

The other choice I can make is to remember exactly that: this is not real. This is your brain shorting out again.

So, that's what I did today.

I remembered that I am loved by lots and lots of people. Not to mention, I like myself a whole lot too. And I knew if I wanted to switch the flip on these thoughts and feelings I had no choice but to get a workout in.

Fun fact: people with anxiety experience relief from anxiety when they work out. The harder the workout, the better the relief. That's why I sometimes push myself really hard. The relief is blissful. The sleep is AMAZING.

So, I went to the gym. Just 30 minutes on an elliptical. I probably would feel better right now if I had done more, but I did what I could do at the time.

Then I came home and had cod and asparagus (you wouldn't believe how delicious this can be...it just occurred to me that I didn't even put pepper on it).

But I still wanted something. Ok, let's be real. I wanted some wine. So, I guess I didn't take care of all my symptoms. But, I chose not to. And it was really hard.

The liquor store is closed now, so I can say that battle is over with confidence. It was the promise of staying at the Nature Inn that kept me from having the wine.

I did, however, buy almonds that I KNOW I shouldn't have because they are roasted and salted and I can't stop eating them (wow, writing this, I realize I really did not do enough at the gym...I will DEFINITELY work out harder tomorrow).  But I wanted SOMETHING. So I bought the roasted, salted almonds AND I bought raw almonds so that I could alternate and hopefully have better luck stopping. I was marginally successful. I won't be surprised if my weight is up tomorrow.

That's all for now.

I've got to remember to celebrate the little successes and build on them. But not drinking tonight was a big success.

Week 2, Day 4. On track today!

I'm so tired. It's 12:22am.

All I have to say is that I weighed 136.5 today, even after eating all those almonds!

And I forgot to mention that I was sore from my bear runs on Saturday until today. On Sunday I was so sore I couldn't even move properly. Oh it was bad!

Now I'm thinking I'm coming down with something. I seriously fell asleep at 8:30pm last night and did not get up until 9am today. Now I'm all sneezy and worn out.

Well, all I had to eat today was:

Eggs (4 whites, one yolk) for breakfast

I had Green Bowl for lunch: 6oz chicken, a bunch of vegetables, and one scoop of sesame oil and almost a cup of brown rice.

My protein shake, apple, and peanut butter at 7pm

Oh, and I had a cup of coffee from Saints at 1:30pm. I had a headache and thought it would help. And it did! I ran into one of my favorite people and heard all kinds if good news from her. It even inspired me to get in touch with this trainer for horseback riding lessons.

I worked until 10:15pm tonight, just with things I needed to wrap up, and I desperately wanted beer or food. But then I remembered that this feeling of tired, hungry irritation is temporary, and if I can get through it, the rewards will be mine. Soon.

So I did.  I had my tea and made a new chart, and now I'm going to bed.

I'm hoping to get a workout in tomorrow.

I want to get up early enough to do my morning pages too.  Good night!

Week 2, Day Three. I did what I could do.

It's 8:07pm and all I want is sleep.

I did great today up until 4pm. At that point, I openeda container of roasted salted almonds and I just never stopped. 2,200 calories later, the container was empty. I was avoiding making huge amounts of copies. 

So, tomorrow, I may wake up at the same weight, which is 137.8lbs. More than I've weighed in a LONG time.  But Amy said something really important to me today, and that was, "Accept where you are right now."

Honestly, after everything that has been going on in my life, I was just finished with today. I did have some wine. I hate admitting that, but it's true.

And when I got home, I had an I've cream cone.

My small success is that I did NOT go to Chick-fil-a. I really wanted to. But I know I'm going to wake up tomorrow feeling very pleased with myself.

Week 2, Day Two. Reset.

Well folks, I fell of the wagon. Hard.

It turns out, my roommate moving out was incredibly stressful.

I thought I had a handle on the stress until Sunday evening when I hung out with a friend until 11pm or so.

I totally forgot that it was a priority to go to bed by 9pm. By virtue of hanging out with someone, I abandoned my weight loss mission.

So, Monday I woke up late, couldn't write my morning pages and went off to a training.  I didn't have time to eat breakfast or pack anything.

They treated us to lunch at a restaurant, and I couldn't pass it up. I had a crabcake and fries.

I desperately needed, at the end of the day to talk through the stress I was feeling. All my triggers kicked in. I wanna eat, I wanna smoke a cigarette, I wanna drink.

I tried to write it out, but it was taking too long. Eventually I  turned to party mode and had one too many glasses of wine, and woke up this morning NOT feeling refreshed.

Today was another day of eating food that will not help me lose weight.  In fact, at 9pm, I went to Chick-Fil-A and got a chicken sandwich, fries and a milkshake. Granted, it was delicious, but it's gonna stick.

So, for tonight, I need to get rested and get back on track for tomorrow.

Day 7! Phew!

Well. Today has been quite a day. It started with me waking up feeling rather rested after not getting enough sleep for several days.  So I got up, and promptly knocked all of the books, remotes, and, most importantly, my glasses off of the shelf on my loft bed (this means that  my glasses fell 6 feet before they hit the floor and likely traveled. And I am lost without my glasses.

This set off a chain of unpleasant events. I could NOT find my glasses. They blend right in with the floor. I gave up looking for them after 20 minutes, and I decided to wear a pair of contacts for the day. Once I put the contacts in, I'd find my glasses anyway, so wins all the way around.  Except that it never happened.

I'm not going to go into depth about the rest of the unpleasant events, but the first 3 hours of my day SUCKED.

The upside is that I no longer have a roommate (this was in the works, she finished moving out today), I followed my plan, and I got to have a cheat meal today!  Yay!

I did fail to follow the rules somewhat, though. I went to Wegman's at 6:30pm (after visiting a very good friend and her family) and had some chinese and some mac and cheese. It must not have been too terribly much...oh, wait, it was just over a pound and I ate it all. Yikes.

I try not to get too excited about cheat meals anymore because I feel like that keeps me from adopting a healthier style of eating MOST of the time.

Anyway, then I had almost an entire container of Dibs (like mini-klondikes), then I had two drumsticks. Last one was at 10pm. So...that's TOTALLY not part of the plan.

I wasn't focused on my plan at the time. Tomorrow, I get to start with a whole new focus.

I forgot to mention that my entire body is so sore today that I seriously found it hard to walk...or move in general.  That REALLY sucked when I was waiting tables. I just couldn't move FAST. Every time I tried, I could feel my abs kick in, and that hurt, and I could feel my inner thigh and hip flexor kick in, and THAT hurt, so I pretty much hobbled around and complained for the entire day. 10:30-5:30. I'm sure my co-workers LOVED it, haha.

I'm also a day behind on the book I started called The Artist's Way. Apparently it's a classic. I'm on week one. So, for now I'm gonna go to bed and try to squeeze every last drop out of tomorrow.

Oh, I weighed in at 132.2 today. Weight is fluctuating, but I'm detaching from it. The real progress is seen in how your clothes fit.

Consistent, clean eating at the correct times doesn't make for good primetime tv, but it DOES make you lose weight. So that's my mission!

Day 6! I can hardly believe it!

It's 9:14pm, and I'm so tired I'm in bed already.
I thought about doing something like going to a movie, but I'm sure I would fall asleep during it.
Anyway, I had A VERY GOOD DAY today!
It started out that I woke up unexpectedly at 6:20am, and decided that if I got up then, I could write my morning pages AND still have time for a run.
So I did. It took me about a half hour to write my morning pages, and then I went out for an easy run.

Once I was out running (it was a brilliant morning), I realized I felt really good. I also saw a double-pileated woodpecker--beautiful!

Anyway, I made the realization that I was actually working out BEFORE breakfast(which I've been trying to do all week, but I kept getting up too late) and that I should take advantage of that and do some intervals. So I did! I figured I had time for 10. 

Afterward, my legs felt like jelly, so I knew I'd done something right!  I didn't have a watch or a gymboss, so I had to guesstimate 15-30 seconds. I think I did alright.

Anyway, I had my breakfast and went to work, where I realized I had grabbed an old apple. So my fruit choices were now grapes, watermelon, or pineapple. I chose grapes because it seemed like the most "normal" fruit. I did the best I could.

Then for lunch, I was so proud of myself. I used less sesame oil. I should try to use none, but it's so good when I cook things like  cabbage and spinach and squash in it!

For dinner, I had my organic chicken and again, vegetables cooked with sesame oil. I TRIED to use less than last time...I guess I'm not there yet.  Then I also had almonds...I'm hooked on them for some reason lately.

To be honest, I had WAY too many almonds today. I ate most of a whole tub that had 9 servings in it.

And, never did I ever think I would find myself saying, "I ate way too many almonds today."  Weird.

But it's the end of the day, and SO MANY of my muscles hurt! My shoulders and chest, my back, my hamstrings, my psoas muscle, my calves, my shins...i should be building some muscle. 

Tomorrow I get a cheat meal that I am very much looking forward to!

Day 5! Complete!

I was so into my Martha Beck book I almost forgot to write my blog.
Short blog today because I'm tired, but I will soon have totally undisturbed sleep, because I will soon have my own apartment!
So, hopefully I can get to bed sooner than 11pm and up earlier than 7am, which will be great for 6am workouts.

Anyway, the story of today is that I followed my plan, except that I wanted to get up at 5:30am and do pops, but I didn't.

I ate the way I am supposed to, and I really wanted to take a nap when I got out of work today, but instead I went for a short jog. I've got to get in the habit of doing some kind of exercise every day, and making sure I blog every day.

And, I have a great motivator to stay on track...my stay at the Nature Inn! Very much looking forward to it.

Good night.

Day 4. Time flies!

I can't believe I'm four days in already! And I had a SOLID fourth day. I thought I might have overdone it with my 6pm meal, but we shall see about that tomorrow.

I just have to say, I LOVE the sleep I get after one of Amy's classes. I didn't even wake up to pee until 7:30pm.  This is yet another one of the great benefits of high intensity interval training. It may be tough, but your body loves it.

I'm never so energized as when I am eating right, working out hard (which erases my anxiety...too tired to be anxious) and sleeping well...and not drinking. Oh, no caffeine, either, which very much inspires a person to make bedtime a priority.

Granted, today I was hungry, but that's no surprise, given the way I fired up lots of muscles yesterday.

Speaking of firing up muscles, when I went to the gym tonight, I really had to be mentally strong. There were SO MANY TIMES that I thought I could just skip an exercise.

I made the decision to do it anyway.

This was an incredibly hard decision to make, but the work itself wasn't that hard, even though I concentrated on form for every movement.

Today, I was bound and determined to get the MOST out of this plan. It's a powerful feeling. I think something in my brain has switched, and I really believe this is going to happen.

I will be celebrating the fittest body of my life on June 28, my 32nd birthday.

I'm not sure what's in store for tomorrow, but I think I need to do pops at 6am and then eat clean, and then I think my cheat day is on Saturday.

It's easier to choose AGAINST what your brain tells you to do (like eat the string cheese, skip the monster walk) when you know you are on a path toward something you've really wanted for a long time.

Anyway, if you can't tell, I'm tired and need to go to bed.

End of Day 3. I'm so tired I'm a social clutz.

Ok, so.  Remember how I said I took that 3 hour nap until 8:30 last might and also said how it totally wasn't going to affect me, and I would sleep well?

Wrong.

I couldn't sleep for shit. (Excuse the language, but that is an apt description.)

It was terrible. And I dreamt I had a big dog. And it pooped on the floor! And I had to clean it up! And I realized that it was my fault because I didn't walk it, but I didn't have time to walk it, so I knew I had to give it away...and become ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.  People who give away their furbabies. :SHUDDER:  Never.

Anyway, I had an ok day regardless. I was having a pretty rough morning, but a perky compliment turned that all around.

I ate on my plan.  Yay! I did cheat with the peanut butter a little bit at meal #2, BUT I made a strong choice to NOT EAT THE STRING CHEESE during meal #3.

Oh. I just realized I only had three meals today. Whoops. I'm supposed to have five, but normally, I get four.

Well, I did eat a handful of almonds at 4:50pm.

Anyway, the string cheese was a big deal, because I have a THOUSAND excuses/good reasons to EAT THE STRING CHEESE. But this time I just told myself that: it does not  go with this meal, butter is my fat for this meal, and choosing to have the string cheese is making a choice that will NOT make it easier to reach my goal.

And then I told myself that I was capable of resisting the string cheese.
This is a big deal. If you've ever been on a diet/meal plan, you know how that one little slip up can wreck your whole week. Hell, I just spent the month of April convinced I was not capable of eating clean/giving up coffee and ice cream.

It's little successes that you build on to get to the big successes. Just a series of difficult decisions.

Speaking of big successes, I've scheduled my stay at the Nature Inn! End of the month of May!  It makes more sense to reward myself with something that big for three weeks of staying on task, not one.

For a little reward, I bought myself a new tank top and sports bra because I made it through Amy's class tonight.

Let me tell you about that. I wasn't really feeling prepared because I have not done anything intense since the beginning of April. Then I heard it was a lot of legs and cardio, which for some reason scared me.  As if it would be anything else?

So literally ten minutes in, I start to think, "Oh my god, I don't think I can do this whole class, and I will have to bear the shame of leaving early. Except I can't leave early. It's Amy's class. Oh my god, I'll be staying for this whole class. And it will challenge me the entire time. I might have a heart attack."

Now I know that when other people post about their tough workouts, a little bitter, jealous piece of me thinks, "Well if it's such a pain in the ass, how about you stop doing it and quit whining?"

But here's the thing. While these classes are challenging and we choose to put ourselves through them, we also need support. At least I do. I need to hear those, "You go girl!" If I didn't hear them, I would probably stop.

The jealous part of me that occasionally wants to say something other than, "you go girl" knows that whoever is talking about their workout got one in when I didn't, and they are reaping the rewards.

So. Amy's class. Wow. It was incredibly difficult. And in the moment, my brain went to "Oh please, make it stop! I can't! I can't!"  I didn't win that battle as much as I would have liked tonight. Although, I do have to say, at one point,  we finished a leg exercise, and I rolled onto my belly and found myself with my face just pushed into the mat, and I thought I'd just stay there for awhile.  So I kind of did.

So, please don't take this as complaining. I get more mileage out of that one hour than any other class I ever take. I also learn more about my own imposed limitations. I learn more about where I can push JUST a little more. I will also lose more weight today and tomorrow than I could doing any other workout. I just need to be able to get my brain to come along for the ride.

Also, it was FUN! Can you believe that hard work can be fun? We dance a lot, which is great, because I've been awkward about that my whole life. And, this routine will last for 6weeks, so I have 6 weeks to improve on Brazilian pushups, side Burpees, and banana jacks. And I love a challenge.

And actually, oh my god, this is so exciting! I only have seven weeks left to my goal!!! So this tough class Amy's got us doing is going to push me right along!

Things are coming together so nicely, I think I'm ACTUALLY going to see my belly muscles on my birthday!!z

And, I discovered that Appalachain Outdoors sells bikinis! I might have to wrangle Amy out to help me shop for a bikini when I hit this marker. Oh, this is all so exciting!!!

And, I forgot to mention that the reason I'm so tired was because I really pushed myself in that class. Even sometimes I felt like I wasn't, my heart felt like it might burst out of my chest. So, tonight, I most definitely WILL sleep like a baby. The benefits of that class are insane.

Bring it on!

Day 2! I'm still blogging!

Today went pretty well. My caffeine headache is getting milder, and that is really unpleasant, so I'd like it to go away soon.

I stayed on my plan for the most part! I didn't get up and exercise before breakfast. It might just be too early for that kind of change. Maybe I'll work on that for week two. Today, I didn't exercise at all. I didn't get up early enough, and then I came home and took a "nap", but I actually slept really hard from 5:30pm- 8:30pm. I must have needed it. My body was really sore from Mondays class with Kerry. I find if I'm really sore, out work out really hard, I tend to need more sleep. So this was not a surprise, and I'll probably be asleep by 11pm and sleep through the night.
I ate my meals on time. I didn't fudge my diet with peanut butter today, either! For meal #2, I had my apple, my protein shake and then I ate the correct amount of almonds. So proud of myself. It happened that way because I was in the middle of an inservice and FORGOT my peanut butter. Luckily for me, they had almonds, so I ate them for my fat.

For my next meal...it's fair to say that I get HUNGRY between meals now! I am not used to that. But I think it means my metabolism is revving up between meals and my stomach will stop expecting big meals (that I've been eating for the month of April).

Any way, for meal#3, I had chicken, broccoli, cauliflower, ezekiel bread with butter and a stick of string cheese. I overdid it with the fats for this meal. But I love putting the cheese on my chicken. Yum.

Finally, I was so hungry again at 4pm (i ate at 2:30!) that I starting cooking my 4th meal. I decided to make cod and kale pan-fried in balsamic vinegar. I cooked with butter!

As I was doing it, and knowing that it was not going to help me reach my goals, I had to remember to be gentle with myself. I did the very best I could. And tomorrow will be better.

And the day after that will be EVEN better!

And I'm not staying at the Nature inn until I take a weekday off and can enjoy the morning, with breakfast on a cheat day while I look out over the lake. Sounds so nice. It'll be toward the end of May.

Looking forward to it!

Plan for tomorrow...eat clean, have class with Amy, reward myself (playing with colored pencils?), maybe do my "blurts". This is an exercise that brings your critical voice to the forefront and allows you to change negative thinking.

For example:
I will see my belly muscles by June 28, 2012.
No you won't. You know this is hopeless. This is stupid. You're just gonna fall off track and spend your birthday not in a bikini but covered up. Just like you'll spend your whole summer.

I will see my belly muscles by June 28, 2012.
No, you won't. You'll get to a point where you're satisfied with how you look in regular clothes and you won't go the extra mile to be able to wear a bikini without shame.

I will see my belly muscles by June 28, 2012.
No, you won't. You'll lose some weight, maybe even hit 125, and you'll be so excited by it that you will want to be around men. And you will spend an entire weekend off of your plan (with men involved) and when you're done and go back to normal life, you won't have the ambition to get back on the plan.

I will see my belly muscles by June 28, 2012. I have 7 weeks and 1 day. I have support, I know what to do, I will not get lax when the job is not done, and I will not allow (my love of) men to be a distraction. I WILL see my belly muscles by this date. I've never been closer! This isn't stupid or hopeless, it's REAL and it's HAPPENING. June 28th. I'm ready for the work ahead.

Difficult Decisions. May 7 is Day One.

I wanted to have lots of time to write this blog because I noticed such interesting things about (my own) behavior today. But, I don't have much time, so I'll do what I can.
I just had a week off of work (from my full-time job) in which I spent some time driving and visiting with people. I also spent a whole lotta time outdoors. I've been craving it. I really wanted to stay overnight at the Nature Inn at Bald Eagle State Park, but I realized one nights stay would be two tanks of gas (two road trips), or two class cards at the yoga studio. Or half of a car payment. So I didn't. I kind of wish I had. Maybe I'll go back...OOH! A REWARD!  Maybe a one-week-on-diet  reward will be a one night stay there! Yes! I will ABSOLUTELY stay on my plan for that!
Ok. Anyway.
I really needed the break. I was working constantly and de-stressing with wine regularly. My whole plan was to not do anything too taxing, and for the most part I didn't...except I was exhausted by the end of most days. So I slept a lot.

One thing I have learned: When you get off-track with a diet and exercise regimen, if you rest long enough, you will eventually want to get back into it.

Apparently, one week was all I needed. I had a dream last night that I decided to train in a competition, so I was dreaming about doing really tough exercises, like throwing a 50 pound weight more than 20 yards. I seriously doubt I could do that.

When I woke up, I knew it was time to jump back on my plan while I was pumped for it.

Then I got called into my part-time job early. To put it mildly, I had a stressful day from that point until 5pm. I was exhausted from working a straight 13-hour day the day before, and I just wanted to get through that shift quickly. Without pain. Unfortunately for me, that was not the case. Things did not go smoothly. When I FINALLY got a chance to eat, someone had thrown away the bread I put out in preparation for my last egg sandwich for awhile.  And we ran out of cheese (talk about making a girl mad!). I went into the back and threw a fit that was just ungainly for a 31-year-old. But it was just the kind of day where every time you get something half way completed, someone who is not communicating  (and is too wrapped up in their own hangover to empathize with anyone else) does something that totally trashes what you've managed to accomplish in a thoughtless split second.

It was that kind of day.

And my hip, knee, ankle, and foot joints hurt.

So. When a friend texted to ask if I wanted to go see a movie (which also probably meant some much-needed cuddling after my rough day), I  really had a dilemma on my hands.

If I went to the movie, I would DEFINITELY take the opportunity to have a glass of wine after work first. Then...how much asleep would I get? Is this a good idea?
And my brain began:
You had a hard day! You deserve self-care! Yes, I do!  But I think I'm tricking myself. Does it count as self-care if I'm going to wake up exhausted and not prepared for work tomorrow? And if I'm not prepared for work tomorrow, am I going to be able to get up and go to the gym?
You have a point. But The Avengers! I heard it's really good! You have a perfect opportunity to kick back and relax. When are you going to find another time to relax and hang out?

I wish I had time to go through all the scenarios. But I basically could not decide/understand what I wanted, you see, because someone wanted me to do something, and I have this automatic people-pleasing trigger that goes off when something like this happens, and I tend to "want" to do whatever that person wants me to do. In essence, their wants superimpose on mine, and to me, it looks like that's what I want to do. Except there's this nagging doubt, "Is that really a good idea?"

Half the time, I get so frustrated with trying to figure out if I want to go or if I just want to people-please (which leads to resentment), I just do whatever the other person wants. I can't seem to follow through with telling other people NO. I have this raging fear that they will get mad at me, or they will never ask me again. Or...they will not like me anymore.  Let's be honest. It's really that I do things because I think people like me based on those things. I think I can control whether or not people like me, based on if I do what they want me to do.

This is not true. This is codependency. This is putting other people's agendas ahead of my own. And it's fine in the right context, but this does not happen to be the right context.

After two hours, easily, I had practiced saying no enough that I thought I could do it. I had decided that while I really WANTED to go, I needed to make decisions that are supportive of my goals...which took a long time to articulate. I knew that going to see the movie would prevent me from starting off on the right foot tomorrow, but I hasn't thought about how different my next 24 hours would be if I did the hard thing and said No.

But I did.

And I'm really glad! I'm prepared to go back to work, I'm prepared to go back to the gym tomorrow, I'm prepared to eat clean...and most importantly, I'm more prepared to respond to situations that would throw me off-course. And the biggest thing I learned is to be able to take a time out. If I hadn't had so much time to work it out in my brain, I probably would have just gone. Consequences be damned. But hopefully I will get better at this! In the end, it feels good to put yourself first, even if it is terribly difficult to tell that person No.

And I know I have a thousand more difficult situations coming. Want a glass of wine? No, thanks. Piece of chocolate? Take part in our catered lunch! Come to our picnic!   Come to the Waffle Shop with us!  Would love to, really...

For the next several weeks, maybe even throughout the entire summer, I will be dedicating a lot of time and energy to my own self-care. In addition to plotting to see my belly muscles by my 32nd birthday (June 28, 2012), I am also delving into my creative side. Well, that's not even really encompassing it, though.

I'm working through my Martha Beck books (and more) to really discover more about myself. I'm taking the time to write, draw, and play the piano (15 minutes a day!). I'm not sure what's going to come of it, but so far, some really interesting dreams have popped up (while I'm sleeping-those kinds of dreams).

Anyway, at this point, my goal tomorrow is to drink 90oz of water, get to the gym by 7am, eat my meals every 3 hours, maybe go to Kerry's class at 5:30pm, and be in bed by 9pm. Oh, and blog.

If I succeed, I get some kind of reward. I think it should be...a half an hour of something I enjoy (that I must not allow myself if I do not complete the day), so I think it will be playing the piano!

Maybe Tuesday will be a trip to Michael's!