Week Nine, Day Five! Time passes.

So this post is about some essential lessons I've learned about losing weight...which really boils down to lessons I've learned about changing.

1.  Time passes, no matter what decision you make.
2.  Don't think about it.  Just do it. (Because time passes, no matter what decision you make.)
3.  Everybody makes sacrifices, just choose the sacrifice you want to make. (Because time passes, no matter what decision you make.)

So, the first one is pretty almighty.
Lesson #1: Time passes, no matter what decision you make.

I've learned this through my diet, mostly.  Every week, Monday comes hard and heavy.  I start a brand new week, I re-start my diet, I take pictures, I take stock of where I'm at.  Every Monday is harder to eat clean than every Saturday.  It seems like such a struggle to get all my meals together.  I yearn for something bad, like Taco Bell and their sorta-beef.  It feels like I have such a long way to go.

Then Friday comes along and INEVITABLY, this thought crosses my mind:  "Holy crap, it's Friday, and I ate clean all week!  That happened fast!"

Of course on Friday, it feels like it happened fast.  Those tiny moments where I think, "Hmmm, will it make a difference if I have just ONE MORE tablespoon of this crunchy, delicious peanut butter?  It's clean food!", they've all but evaporated, and I am just left with results.  Results of employing Lesson #2 (Don't think about it, just do it).  That is, in those moments where I am torn between following the rules or slipping up just a little bit, I attempt to employ that lesson.  I usually stop thinking about it, and just do it (which usually means, PUT THE PEANUT BUTTER DOWN!).

So, every week, I'm reminded that time passes.  And rather quickly, at that.  Actually, it flies.  I can't believe I'm about to start Week 10 of this business.   And with time passing, I've noticed that 31 years of my life have passed, and I've made decisions for 30 of them that were VERY different than the decisions I'm making today.  In fact, this is the first time in my life I have successfully stayed on an eating plan.  It's so easy to look back and realize that all those years that I thought I just wasn't going to be successful at getting the body that I want, that that was just not true.  My impending success at seeing my belly muscles is simply the result of information, support, and making different decisions consistently (and drive, of course, you have to have a reason-I'll get to my reason later).  And that gives you a little peek at Lesson #3 (Everybody makes sacrifices, just choose the sacrifice you want to make.).

I'm really glad I've been learning this "time passing" lesson because it comes in VERY HANDY when I'm working out.  Amy has had me doing Bear Runs to really spike my heart rate and let it come down.  From what I understand, the results of that kind of high intensity interval workout is a 36 hour calorie burn, lengthening of your mitochondria (which is basically a fountain of youth, keeps your metabolism up, helps with skin elasticity, and a whole host of other things I don't know about which probably includes "you will never die!"), and of course, whatever calories you burn in the session is also a result.  The first time I did bear runs, I only did 10.  (Bear Runs are little bursts of running as fast as you can for 30secs-like a bear is chasing you, REALLY chasing you, you're running for your life-and then recover, do it again as many times as you deem necessary.)  That first try was pretty easy.  I mean, I was tired afterward, but counting down from 10 is psychologically very easy.  But this week, I had a goal of 20 bear runs, and that was a total mental challenge.

I got through it by reminding myself that I only has this set amount of time to work out.  Plus, by the time I ran 10 bear runs (and rest periods) away from my house, I HAD to run back or I would be seriously late for work.  So I just kept reminding myself that time was passing.  I could either use that time to maximize the effects of my workout, after I had already worked SO HARD all week long to eat clean to make sure the workout counted.  No matter what I did, time was tick-tick-ticking away.  So I just dove in.

Tonight, I had the same experience, only it was So. Much. Harder.

See, my nutritionist/trainer/awesome support person Amy makes me feel like I have my own Biggest Loser show.  You see, she checks in with me all the time, and the past couple of days, she asked about what I planned to do to workout each day.  I hadn't been doing any strength-training, so she is building that in, but my standard response when I don't have a class at the gym is, "Oh, I just thought I'd do an easy half-hour run."  Today, she played a fun game with me and asked me to pick a number between 10 and 20 (she's totally my Jillian and Bob!).  So, of course, I pick 20.  I can't not.  She tells me that there is this hill near the gym that she wants me to run up and walk down 20 times.  As you might imagine, this hill is no joke.  It is short and steep.  I'll admit, I was very daunted by the idea, but I thought, "As long as I get to walk down, I think I can manage."

She told me to bring my Ipod because it would be a tough mental challenge.  She said that my glycogen stores would be depleted by the 3rd or 4th time I ran up it.  That was a scary thought.  I thought, "She thinks I'm way tougher than I am."  But, nonetheless, I grabbed my stuff, headed to the gym, warmed up for 15 minutes on the elliptical, stretched and then started these runs.  (I have to say, I had an advantage, because I was in bed sleeping most of the day-my workplace has this rampant mold problem, and it has been slowly wearing me down (allergies), but this week, the humidity has been so thick that I couldn't manage anymore.  So, I was in bed, sleeping, waiting for my allergies to calm down since they were no longer exposed to the mold.)

So, I got started.  It only helped that she happens to live on this hill, and told me she'd keep an eye out for me.  The first run up, I thought, "Oh shit.  I can't do this 19 more times."  Then I remembered that time passes, and I only have to perform in the moment that I'm in.  I walked down the hill.  I started again.  On my way back down, Amy stopped out to say hi, and that was very motivational.  I knew she could see me running, so I wanted to do my very best.  I ran up again.  The third time I thought, "I am really in trouble here.  It's HOT!  I just don't know..."  but I walked back down the hill.

Lesson #2:  Don't think about it.  Just do it.

I finally got into this agreement with myself that I would employ the lesson I've learned so thoroughly:  "Don't think about it.  Just do it."  I can't tell you how many times I've heard this in yoga classes, pilates classes, spinning classes, you name it.  Your brain senses pain when you're in yoga or struggle in your breath when you're running and it says, "OH MY GOD STOP YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"  I didn't finally understand how this trips you up until I was taking one of Kerry Bestwick's classes, and she had us doing one-legged squats on a Reformer machine and my leg was screaming in pain.  I tried to squirm out of it anyway I could, and I remember so clearly she said (paraphrasing of course),
Kerry: "Is your leg telling a story?  A story that it's going to fall off if you keep going?"
My thoughts: Why yes, as a matter of fact, I was pretty certain my leg was going to die and fall off if I kept going. 
Kerry:  "It's just a story your mind tells because it wants to stop, but your leg is not going to fall off.  Trust me.  It will just get stronger."

All of a sudden I had this epiphany that I TRULY believed my leg might fall off if I kept going.  Part 2 of the epiphany: That thought isn't true!  And this thought was what was keeping me from having the body I've always wanted: long, lean, and svelte (well, as much of that as you can get at 5'2").  Ever since then, I've tried to listen to hear where my brain is telling me to stop when my body can definitely handle more.  Thoughts are important, and you should always try to direct them, but that's another topic for another day.

So, back to this running up a steep hill 20 times business.  I found that the only time I struggled was starting again.  I mean, don't get me wrong, the steepest part of the hill reduced me to a staggering mess, but I never had thoughts of quitting.  Are you kidding?  Amy could see me!  I could not live with myself if I let myself just give in like that.  I really focused on pulling myself up the hill (see, directing thoughts is important).  And, I made it up every time.  The only place a stuttered, sputtered, and faltered was at the bottom of the hill, deciding to start to run.  I caught myself doing it on maybe Run 4 or 5.  From there on out, every time I got to the bottom of the hill, I just repeated, "Don't think about it.  Just do it."

It wasn't easy, but it blocked out all those thoughts that would have made completion impossible: "I'm tired, it's hot, I'm hungry, I have a block of food in my stomach, Is that heartburn?  My throat's on fire.  I have allergies.  Isn't 15 enough?  Why isn't it cooler out?  Those guys think I'm a heifer.  I'm gonna throw up.  Well not really, but I might if I run that hill again."

Feelings really do follow thought, and as long as I kept my thoughts on Just do it, because time passes no matter what decision you make (so make the right one!), I was able to make that Run #20 up to the top of the hill and feel SUCCESS!  I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but chickened out.  On my way back down, Amy met me and congratulated me on making it happen.  And here's why I love her:  She hugged me.  She hugged me even though I was covered in sweat.  Gotta love that lady.

Finally, I get to lesson #3.

Lesson #3: Everybody makes sacrifices.  Just decide what sacrifice you're going to make.

For the past several days, I have walked around moaning in my head, "Oh, I wish that I could just eat whatever today.  I wish I could eat like everybody else does."  It was an automatic thought and completely did not take into consideration that for 30 years, I HAVE eaten like everyone else does, and it made me unhappy.  Regardless, I continue.

That thought stopped dead in it's tracks today when I saw a woman pulling out of a parking lot while eating fast food.  I'm not picking on anybody's size-God knows it's hard enough for women to feel good about themselves, I don't need to add to that-but I am saying that I would not choose to have that person's body.  And then, DING! my A-ha moment!  Every day that I'm walking around pouting and wishing I could EAT WHATEVER I WANTED...that used to be that every day I would walk around wishing I could WEAR WHATEVER I WANTED!

It stunned me that I never thought of this before.  It is a sacrifice to give up indulging your every whim and desire when it comes to food and choosing not to exercise.  It is also a sacrifice to give up feeling good about your body.  For the past nine weeks, I've chosen my sacrifice.  For the 30 years before that, I let the sacrifice choose me.  I would bow to my cravings.  I would skip working out. And that did not feel good.  While it is difficult to choose to eat clean, it is definitely the choice I will continue to make.  The rewards of choosing to sacrifice are a thousand times bigger and better than letting yourself eat whatever and work out whenever!

In fact, the only reward I can think of from eating whatever you want whenever you want is that painfully short period of time when you are putting the food in your mouth and tasting the first few bites.  The feast is all in the first few bites.  Every bite after that, you habituate to the taste, and it just isn't as exciting.  And maybe another reward is the absence of wishing you could eat whatever.  But that's about it.

The rewards of choosing to sacrifice eating whatever you want?  Amazing!  I'm noticing muscle tone in places I had no expectation of ever having!  I finally have athletic calves!  When I move my arms, I have muscles I can see moving in my chest!  My shoulders have striations.  I can wear sundresses!  I am capable of doing things I never thought of!  (like running up a hill 20 times),  I am wearing a bikini this summer!  I am learning self-discipline!  I am sleeping better!  I am taking MUCH better care of myself!  I can go to California and feel like a California girl!  I can go to the beach and wear a bikini and not be self-conscious!  I am more confident!  Yes...those results are way worth the occasional, "Wish I could have that, but it's not on my diet."

And that, my friends, is the end of the post about the lessons I've learned.  I have one more day of eating clean and then my cheat day is on Sunday!  And this week, I'm going to follow the guidelines!  No repeat of eating 5 Guys at 8:30pm.  That means slower results, and I work way too hard to slow down my results. :)

Now...for the visual rewards of time passing...

I forgot...tanning is a great way to notice how time passes too. :)

Here are the rest of the pics for this week.

Week Nine, Day Four. I'm exhausted.

I thought that getting lots of extra sleep and taking it easy on Wednesday would cure me of this super-exhausted state I've been in.

It has not.

Today I weighed in at 137.8, which is higher than last week, but close enough that I'll take it. Then I went for a run. I was surprisingly not that sure after taking Amy's class. After I took it last week, I was sore for DAYS! But anyway, I decided to go for an easy run and that would be it for working out today.

So, that's what I did, and then I ate breakfast. Amy suggested that I start weight-training today and gave me a really simple routine to follow that included bear runs on the elliptical.

I must say, I killed it. I don't know if I killed the strength-training part because I was pretty careful with how far down I would bend. I was a little worried about injuring myself. But I made it thru just fine.

So I ran at 7:30, ate at 8:30, then ate at 11 and worked out at 11:30. By the time I was done, it was time to shower and go to work. I ate my next meal at 1:45pm.

After that was when I started to go downhill. I was standing in a coworker's doorway, just breaking out in a sweat, yet I was in a comfortable part of the building, and if anything, I'm always cold. I was having these awful flashes of heat that actually made me dizzy.

Anyway, I toughed it out, even though all I wanted was to go home and go to bed.

I ate my last meal at 5:15...fish, asparagus and broccoli. I got even more tired and finally it was time to go home.

Today was a tough day, and I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get to the bottom of this. I'm tied of feeling under the weather.

I would write more, I'm sure more stuff happened today, but I just don't have the energy.

Week Nine, Day Three!

Here's what's been happening this week:

I really ate to my heart's content on Sunday.  I already listed what I had, but I ate it late at night.  My weight went all the way up to 141lbs, which it's supposed to go up, but I didn't expect to see a 4 pound jump.  Well, that's not true.  Given what I ate, I'm not surprised, but I knew that I had probably gone overboard a little bit, or, at the very least, I learned a very solid lesson in the Three C's (as Amy calls them) Consistent, Clean-Eating, at the Correct Time.  I totally blew the correct time on my cheat day.

But that's ok, because this is Week Nine in a journey that I suspected will take me 25 weeks to complete.  I'm learning all the while.  I'm finding that my biggest struggle is in eating at the right time and going to bed at the right time.  As it is, it's 10:25pm and I should be sleeping.  But, I'm baking sweet potatoes, so I have to stay up at least until I can take them out of the oven.

What's been happening with my weight over the past few days is that it is floating down.  Monday was 141, Tuesday was 140, today was 139 (but then then I went back to bed-I'm a little under the weather) and when I got up again, it was 138.  I ate very clean today, (although I repeated breakfast) so I am hoping that tomorrow I will see less than 138.  We'll see!

I know I'll get this week's cheat day right, and the days when I eat clean right.  I've been a lot more focused on prioritizing eating on time, and that has helped.  Also, Amy suggested that I start strength-training this week to kick up my calorie burn by working my larger muscle groups, so that should be a nice boost.  But I'm feeling good about getting the hang of this!

My plan for tomorrow is to get up at 6am and go for a recovery run so that I can eat by 7am and finally be on track for my meals for the day.  Then I have to do a bunch of running around to do. I was also hoping to hit the pool before work tomorrow to work on my tan!  Seems like a lot to get accomplished by 1pm.

As it is, for some reason, lately there are just NOT ENOUGH HOURS IN A DAY!  Or a week, or a month, or days in a year!

I am feeling SOOOOO frustrated by all the THINGS I WANT TO DO!  I have a reading list a mile long that I am not even putting a dent in.  I did, however, last night, read some of my Martha Beck book that I love.  The daily running around crap has me totally ready to scream and rip myself out of my own skin.

As I sit here typing away on my bed, I have a basket full of clothes to put away..........

WTF.  I might as well just DO IT ALREADY! 

Doesn't change the fact that I am feeling so suffocated by just daily f*cking living!  I called in sick today because I have been getting more and more worn down because I don't want the days to end because I have SO MUCH I want to do, and it caught up with me.

And, I forgot to finish that I'm surrounded by clutter.  There are pens and books and journals and slippers and shoes and blankets and dirty clothes all around me and it is making my blood pressure rise.  I literally cannot stand it.  So, I suppose I won't.

But seriously, if I ever start making money, I will pay someone (hopefully an undocumented worker) a very comfortable wage to do the daily shit I don't want to deal with.  I do not want to deal with laundry or dishes or cooking or cleaning.  I hate having a messy living space, but seriously....how the hell am I supposed to get it all done?  I suppose I need to develop my "Cleanie" habits and change my "Messie" habits.  I have a book for that.  It's on my list of things to read.  Go figure.  (Living Organized, by Sandra Felton)

Oh, and I read a little mini-book tonight by Seth Godin called Poke the Box (google it, you'll find it, my internet connection is spotty and taking too long for me to hyperlink it), which makes me want to start a new project....UGH!  Why do I do this to myself???

My frustration level is at its boiling point.  Honestly, if I had kids, I would cry (unless I had help, of course).  Even having Maybelle takes away time.  But then I think...well...I did watch an episode of True Blood tonight.

SERIOUSLY????  I don't even HAVE cable because I don't want to waste my time or money.  Certainly, other people have more downtime than I do.  I've had the DVD for almost an entire week, and I just finally got to watch the third episode.  WHERE DOES ALL MY TIME GO???  Why do I feel like all I ever do is run, run, run???  And for somebody else, no less?  (Although a lot of my running is for myself, it just feels like work.  >_<)

Honestly, my part-time job consists of a 5 hour shift on Saturday nights.  The past two weekends, I've worked 12 hour days on those days.  But that's about it.  Why do I feel like I piddle away all my time?  This is so maddening.  I am single.  I live alone.  No one is robbing me of my time, so why do I feel that way?  I am feeling a literal, visceral anger that it is 10:39pm, and I need to sleep soon, or else this whole horrible cycle of not sleeping enough and then getting sick will start up again.

I think the answer is clear.  I need a vacation.  I need to empty my time.  And I will do that.  From August 25th through September 6th, I will be on vacation from my full-time job.  It just can't come soon enough.

And maybe I expect too much of myself.  There's so much that I want to learn, read about, and participate in, and I'm not good at being realistic and recognizing that I will simply have to pick one thing and focus on it.

Right now, the thing I am focusing on is losing weight.  I'd like to focus on moving to San Diego, but there are only so many hours in a day.  And I can do little things to get there that I would on a regular basis anyway, like pay my bills on time, create a monthly budget, make a savings plan, conserve money.  Ok, maybe that's bigger than little things I do every day, but you get the idea.

Ok.  Time to clean up my place before I go all Tarzan up in here.

Week Nine, Day Two! Now is no time to slow down on blogging!

For my own benefit, tonight as I was eating my last meal, I decided I would take a picture of it and send it to my nutritionist because I planned on eating an ungodly amount of vegetables, and I was a little concerned that I might overdo it.  At some point, Amy did say, "Eat as many vegetables as you want.  The more vegetables you eat, the less you will crave breads and sugars and such."  I don't know if that means this:

This is 6oz of cod, a handful of asparagus, and an entire Birds Eye steamer bag of broccoli and cauliflower.

This is what was left over when I was done.  I didn't stuff myself, but I wanted to.

I had a rough day today.  I woke up at 8am, after going to bed at 11pm, falling asleep around 11:30pm.  But for the past week or so, I have not been getting enough sleep and it is totally catching up to me.  I managed to get up, only because I wanted to get my run in before I ate, and by the time I got around, I knew it would be 9am or later before I ate...and that would throw my whole day off a little.

So, I did get up and around and I had a nice easy recovery run, but still got my heart rate up.  I ran for about 35 minutes.  When I got home, I immediately made myself breakfast, and then got my food around for the day and headed for the pool for about an hour.

Unfortunately, it was simply not hot enough out for me to sit at the pool.  I ended up coming inside and sneaking a delicious 20 minute nap.  Then I finally got around for work.

Anyway, my day went fine, and I managed to eat every 3 hours, come hell or high water.  At some point, I'll have to write down what I actually ate, because I think it's less than my nutritionist thinks I'm eating, and I haven't thought to talk to her about that.  Eh, I'll write it down real quickly.

9:30am #1-4 egg whites, 1 yolk (cooked with Pam), 1/2 cup oatmeal with 1/2 cup blueberries.  1 cup Yerba Mate tea
12:30pm #2-1 protein shake, 1 banana, 1 apple, 1oz cashews
2:30pm #3-4oz chicken, half a yam, 1 cup (or more) broccoli (the salad was SOOOO not agreeing with me...at least not the onions), 1 rice cake with one Tablespoon peanut butter.
0:00pm #4-skipped.
6:30pm- 6oz cod and asparagus, cooked in 2T canola oil, 1/2 cup broccoli and cauliflower, steamed.

So, the real reason I wanted to write tonight is that I've noticed that I've gotten used to my 8 pound weight loss, and I have already started to take it for granted.  On Sunday, I was so thrilled because I was able to wear a pair of pants that I haven't worn in such a long time.  I was so excited about it that when I got done tanning, I made sure that I did my hair and makeup to go get my first cheat meal.

I felt great, and I felt like I was attracting people all over (this is a little trick Martha Beck talks about in her book The Four Day Win-that if you behave in a (this is an oversimplified explanation) confident way, people will be attracted to you and you will get more attention.  I definitely saw this happening.  But as the day wore on, I felt less and less good about myself.  I felt that I had squeezed myself into these pants, and now they were creating a muffin top.  I felt like I may as well have not lost the weight, because I felt the same way:  Unattractive.

Then I realized that this was about ME, and having confidence.  It's not totally about the weight.  I'm finally beginning to understand that concept, and it feels amazing.

So, I'm learning to dress better.  Here's my example from today:

For some reason, this absolutely refuses to be upright.  I give up.

I am way too tired to write anything else, and I think I might even be coming down with something.  Boo.  Time for bed for me.  It's 10:37pm. 

Week Nine! Day One!

I know people are probably expecting pics with this post, but I'm not going to take pics until Wednesday, because I'm waiting for my cheat day results to come in.

And I thought I'd mention that I wasn't able to blog for one reason or another for the past couple of days, but that doesn't mean that I fell off the wagon!

In fact, I'm doing pretty awesome!

I was absolutely thrilled to see 137 after YEARS of not being able to get below 140, and my cheat day was exquisite. It started with sleep I desperately needed. I got up and ate as soon as I could, and then gathered my things to head to the pool. That took me forever, because I had these visions of lounging poolside all day, just reading, snoozing, and swimming.

The pool was fantastic. No one else was there, the water was so warm, and the air was perfect. I basically splashed around in the pool like an excited toddler just discovering the wonders ofwater. I was kind of embarrassed fire myself for the way I was acting (not like a 31-yr-old female), but it didn't stop me. I mean, who could even see me, and even if they could, do I give a crap?

Clearly not.

So I bounced around in the pool and pretended that I was in San Diego, and it was my own private pool. I needed to get my creative juices flowing about how I was going to get there, after all!

Anyway, fantastic as it was, the pool was, short-lived. I just had too much to accomplish, and I was starting to get anxious because I hadn't started on it yet.

The first thing on my list was to go tanning. So I did that, then showered, put on make up, did my hair and went out for my first meal!

It was a Wegman's turkey sub with potato chips and it was fantastic, but not enough. I made up for the small sandwich with two servings of potato chips, hahahaha. They were soooo good.

Anyway, then I went shopping. My only plan was to get a new swimming suit. Mine is old and the elastic is failing. This took me all day, and I never even found one suit that I wanted to try on.  Finally at 7:45pm, I thought, "oh my god, you have to tear yourself away from this, because if you don't, thought not going to get to eat your other cheat meal!

I  tore myself away, but I didn't know if I should eat that late. I was starting to panic. Just then, Amy texted me...so I asked her if I should skip my 2nd meal.

I was so afraid the answer would be yes.

But no! Amy not only told me to eat and enjoy, she also told me to have a blizzard or something else really high in sugar and fat.

Naturally, I did.

So, my cheat day was fantastic. My second meal was 5 Guys with an Oreo Blizzard and 5 or six bites of Wegman's cheesecake.

It was grand.

However, today I had to deal with the aftermath. My weight went from 137.4 (which I have worked so hard to achieve) all the way up to 141! Can you believe that!!!

I was a little scared, so I worked my ass off today. I did 20-count 'em 20-bear runs this am.  Then I ate super-clean all day, and after work I went to a killer Kerry class (taught by Jess).

But now I'm exhausted and just curious about what tomorrow will bring.

Goodnight!

Week Eight, Day Five! Sunday is my cheat day!

I had to start with this video, because I can't stop watching it.  I don't think it's healthy how much I love this man.  But but but...he shows EMOTION!  He shows REGRET!  He shows SADNESS!  I must be starved for men in my life who have feelings-ANY men, not just love interests.  Because I am downright hooked on this guy.  And Kimbra?  She's amazing.  Her small part is so perfect, it didn't need to be any bigger.  Enjoy!

I had a pretty great day today.  I woke up at 7am simply because it was too damn hot to sleep any longer, so I figured I'd make the best of it.  I got up and decided to try for a run.  My legs are STILL so sore that it would be more accurate to describe what I was doing as hobbling, not running.  At about 7 minutes in, I noticed that my legs must have warmed up because they weren't as sore, but... I never got moving too fast.

I jogged for about 30 minutes, then stretched and came in and took a spectacularly cold shower.  I tried to eat breakfast and get ready for work and get dressed simultaneously...but I had a blender mishap.  I was trying to blend my Hulk Shake, and stepped away from it, JUST to put deodorant on, and the damn thing unscrewed itself from the bottom.  So I stepped out of the bathroom, all confused as to how there was less stuff in the blender than when I left, and Wait, what's that?  Why's the handle on the other........oh shit.  A green puddle was spreading out under my dish drying rack, Keurig, knife set, onto the floor, dripping into drawers.  What a mess.

So.  I probably didn't actually eat my breakfast until 8:30am.  I got around and went to work and ate all my meals about 3 hours apart.  I managed to eat my last meal at 6:30pm woo-hoo!!!  So, I only ate 4 meals today.  I really want to get out of this habit of a 4 meal day.  I really feel like it's just due to the fact that 4 meals is easier, not that it's not possible for me to eat 5.  I mean, it IS difficult to fit five meals in, don't get me wrong, but I think I've been taking the easy way out.

I'm really trying to focus on self-mastery with this, but also with all aspects of my life.  This goal is a good exercise in self-mastery, because it doesn't get much more basic than what you put in your mouth.  Now I'm really trying to spend my time the way I want to spend it as opposed to being at the mercy of whatever mood I'm in, or whatever whim I'm feeling-which would be fine if I didn't regret the lost time spent on internet surfing and tv watching and the like.

Don't get me wrong, I will still have my time (days even) where I can do whatever I want, but I am getting to the point of feeling very overwhelmed by all the work I want to do, and I find that it just completely stalls me.  I have a reading list a mile long that just keeps growing because I never get to it.  But I find that I can absolutely make better use of my time.

The first step, though, is emptying my time, and that's what I plan to do on Sunday.

Sunday is my CHEAT DAY!  I only know that I'm going to have a turkey sub from Wegman's and potato chips.  Since my Five Guys meal was kind of stolen because I had to eat it in bites while I was at work at the Green Bowl, I might do that again.  I just really can't wait to get my hands on salty, greasy, cheesy potato chips.  Yum.  And, it would be nice to have Five Guys french fries while they are hot.  And I completely plan on having my cheesecake this time.  My plan is to lay out at the pool, only taking breaks to drive to get my food, eat it, and go back to laying out.  Unless I get tired of it.  Then, of course, I could come in and lay down and read a book.  Not at my place, of course, because I don't have air conditioning, and I don't plan on getting it.  I plan on having the lowest possible electricity bill for the remainder of the time I am here.  That pretty much sucks because it's 91 degrees, and it's 10pm.  Oh well.

My plan for tomorrow is to get up at 7am, eat my breakfast, get around for Kerry's hot yoga class, which is from 8:30am-10:00am, shower and go to Green Bowl from 11am to 10pm (during which time I will eat four completely clean meals), and then decide if I want to stay here...or at my friend's.  It will depend on how I feel.

It's 10:15pm and in keeping with my self-mastery, it's time for me to go to sleep.  Yay for tomorrow, then my cheat day!

Week Eight, Day Four!!!

So here it is, 10:47pm, and I'm not sleeping yet. 

There are just not enough hours in a day.

Last night I didn't blog in exchange for going to bed ON TIME.  Unfortunately, however, that did not happen.  No, you see, I'll start here:  I went to Amy Powell's killer HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) class after work.  It is always a challenge, and I always wonder if I'm going to make it through the whole class, and I always do, it's just a serious accomplishment to complete the class.

I've really been working on my "fear of success" issue, so I caught myself petering out in class and thinking, "I can't do this" and I actually noticed the physical response my body had to that thought.  So, several times, I had to tell myself encouraging things, like, "Yes you can.  You are no different than any of the women in the class.  You are even younger than some of them, so just do it.  Stop thinking about it and just do it."

It worked.  I really made it my focus to not cheat myself out of any of the workout.  We did plank jacks, which I've mentioned before...they are really fun, if not totally challenging.  You basically get in a plank position, with your legs spread wide, and you kind of jump off of the floor (like you would in a jumping jack) while pulling one knee to opposite elbow, then the other.  So, you follow a jumping jack pattern.  Start position, both toes on the ground, second position, jump toes off the ground, bring one foot to the center (like you're doing a jumping jack) and bring the other knee in to opposite elbow, then third position, bring both feet back out into plank, and then jump, bring one foot to the middle, and pull the other knee into opposite elbow.  They're fun and I could do them to the beat of the music, but the first time around, I really felt myself petering out, so after that, I really took myself to task.

Anyway, we did a lot of stuff in that class, but I was really trying to work extra hard, because I hadn't spaced my meals in the most ideal of ways.  I had last eaten at 12:30pm, and then got caught up in something at work and forgot/missed my meal at 3:30pm, right before I had to leave for the dentist.  So, I microwaved my meal before heading out for my appointment (which would be my third meal, because I was running late for the day, just like every day the past 2 weeks), and headed out the door, figuring it wasn't going to get cold in this heat.

I went to my dentist's appointment and waited for 15 minutes (had I known that, I would have eaten my meal!), and then finally got to leave at 4:50pm or so.  I drove to the gym and ate my dinner, still warm, in the car outside.  I finished at 5:15pm and class started at 5:30pm.  I knew that since I had literally just eaten, the class wasn't going to give me the best impact...ideally, I'd want to wait an hour or two after eating before working out, but you do what you can.

After class, I got this idea in my head that since I didn't have to work until 1pm the next day that I would stay at my friend's and take advantage of his pool in the morning.  So I went home to prepare my meals for the next day, and didn't actually get to his place until 9:30pm.  I still hadn't eaten.

I couldn't figure out if it was better to eat a last meal or skip it, but I figured since I had just worked out, I should eat.  So I did, at 10pm.

I didn't end up falling asleep until 2am.  I have a terrible time being realistic about how time passes.  I somehow thought that I would just get there and watch a movie and be asleep by 11pm.  No.  I did not fall asleep until 2am, and right as I was falling asleep, my arm got very itchy in a specific spot, and I discovered that I had been bitten by a bed bug.  A bed bug.

Have you ever tried to sleep in a bed that you know is infested with bed bugs?  It's really not very likely to happen.  Every little twitch, every little sensation-you think it's another bed bug.  And their bites are so intolerably itchy!  I was turning into a toddler with a hissy fit, so I decided I might as well drive home.  I wouldn't be getting any sleep there anyway.

So I did.  I got home at 3:11am, and slept until 9:30am because by that time, it had gotten SO HOT I couldn't sleep anymore.  At the same time, I heard from Amy!  She was curious about my weight, which got me excited thinking, "Things are going to start moving a lot faster now!"

My weight was at 137.2, which didn't surprise me, given the late meal and the class that I took with a full belly.

But, she said that she hopes to see 136 tomorrow, which would be INCREDIBLE!  I'm totally rejuvenated after seeing what these cheat days do for you!  It's kind of incredible.  I found that if I totally contort my body, I can start to make out belly muscle definition. :) :) :)

It is so STRANGE to begin to approach a goal you've had for so long and failed at it that you began to think it was impossible.  Now I'm finding it so possible that I can't believe I ever thought I couldn't do it!

And, can I just say:  Holy hell I am sore! After the squat jump-squat jump-tuck jump-1/2 pushup-1/2 pushup-1/2 pushup routine she had us doing, my legs and glutes are toast.  Which is awesome, because it means more lean muscle for more calorie burn!  Thank You Amy!!!

So, my day today wasn't too bad. 
Ate: 10am + Hulk Shake
Exercise:  half-hearted attempt at raising my heart rate in the pool for a grand total of 5 min
Reward:  Laid in sun/soaked in pool/took 5 min nap.
Ate: 1pm + Hulk Shake
Worked
Ate: 4:45ish + Hulk Shake
Worked
Ate 7:15ish (no Hulk Shake)  Amy told me to try not to eat after 7pm, so I made quite the effort to get that Turkey burger and broccoli in at my very earliest convenience.

I must say, I have not had the courage/confidence to wear a bikini in public (or the opportunity, for that matter) in 4 years.  The last time I did, it was while I was on vacation in Florida, and I figured, "I'll never see these people again, so I'll wear it and not worry about it."  But today, I actually wore my bikini out to the pool.  You'd think that it wouldn't be so difficult for me to do that since I've posted very bad pictures of myself all over the internet now...but I totally forgot about that.  When I'm in the presence of other people in such a vulnerable state of feeling like maybe I shouldn't be wearing this, I'm (used to be, anyway) deathly afraid of the thoughts they might be thinking about me.

But today, I was less in my head about that, and more in the moment of enjoying the pool, and enjoying my new weight loss.  I have officially lost almost 9 pounds since I first started.  At the very start, I weighed 146.7lbs, but that was totally after pigging out the day before...and I think my true weight was around 145.  So, if I'm at 137 now, I've lost somewhere between 8 and 9 pounds.  WHICH IS AWESOME!

I'm also making headway on how to get to San Diego, California.  Surprisingly, I'm finding I know quite a few people who have lived there, so I'm getting lots of ideas and suggestions.  I need to take several steps in order to get there.  The first of which entails managing my money a lot better, saving up at least 6 months of living expenses (San Diego living expenses), improving my credit score, and paying off as much debt as I possibly can.

My one co-worker was stationed in San Diego with the Navy for 11 years.  I asked her if she'd ever thought about going back, and it literally took her breath away.  She said, well, she stuttered and then said, "Look, you gave me goosebumps!  Would I ever go back?  In a heartbeat.  In a millisecond.  Without a second look or thought."  Well.  That answers that.  And, she's a phenomenal money manager, so she's so super-helpful with realistic solutions to the fact that living there is expensive.  She gave me some ideas to start with:  go out with as little debt as humanly possible, bone up on your spanish, create a VAT board (whatever that means, she couldn't remember) where you list your goal, and then break down the several large steps you have to take to get there, and then break that down even further until they are actionable, and start checking them off.  I plan on doing that tomorrow after work.

I'm also wondering how I should begin to learn Spanish.  I pick up language fairly easily, so I'm wondering if I should invest in a college class of it, or if I should try to learn it on my own...I don't know.  I'm also wondering if searching for a job out there (obviously not right away, but at least a year in the future) would be easier if I had a Master's degree, so I'm wondering what I should do career-wise.  Would it be better to get more schooling, or more work experience?  I'm leaning toward more work experience.


Well, anyway, it's now 11:28pm, and I must go to bed.  Here's my parting shot to fall asleep to...

Week Eight, Day Two. This is not just about weight loss.

I got to sleep in today, and I really needed the sleep after the weekend I had.

So I did. I slept in until about 11am.  It was FANTASTIC.  I was just laying in bed, drifting in and out of dreams.  When I would wake up, for a second, I would wonder, "Should I work out today?"  The answer was pretty much "NO".  I wanted to lie in bed FOREVER.  Finally, when I did wake up, I noticed that I actually felt skinnier.  For example, I was laying on my back and I felt my stomach and thought, "Whoa.  When did THAT happen?"  It just had significantly less fat on it.  However, I know better than to expect "feeling skinny" to match numbers on the scale or measurements.

So I got up and started my routine.  Drink a couple of gulps of water.  Weigh self.  Document.  Measure self.  Document.  Cook food while doing measuring.

And, today I got the best surprise!  Yesterday, my weight had been 138 something.  I totally thought it was a temporary fluctuation, because it's the lowest I had seen my weight since I started this program, and I just wasn't planning on getting excited about it sticking around.

But TODAY, the scale read 137.4!  137.4!
I thought for sure, this will be a result of being dehydrated, since I slept so long and probably sweated out 2 pounds.  But, no, my hydration level was normal (according to my scale that I seriously doubt has the capability to measure my hydration level, but whatevs).  137.4!


Then I measured myself and was so pleasantly surprised!  For WEEKS, my measurements have stayed pretty much the same.  Not to mention, from my pictures yesterday, I wouldn't have been surprised if I had actually gained weight.  I was NOT expecting much from these measurements, but I was wrong!  My waist is down to 33.5 inches (when I'm letting it all hang out!).  I saw differences in other spots too.  


                Week Eight      Week Seven    Week One
Weight:     137.4                 140.0             145.7
Bust            37 1/2                  38                   40
L. Arm        10 7/8              10 7/8             11
R Arm         11                     11                  11
Chest           32                     32 3/4            33
Waist           33 1/2               34 1/2            38
Hips             37 1/2               38                  39
Butt              39                     39 1/4            40
L Thigh         22 1/2              22 1/2             23 1/2
R Thigh         22 1/2               22 1/2            23 1/2


I was so excited I could have jumped up and down.  I know I haven't done the program perfectly, and sometimes I cheat myself out of the best results, but this was such a HUGE reward!  For every dessert I've turned down, for every slice of pizza I've foregone, THIS was definitely worth it!  
I may have jumped up and down and did a little dance.  Ok, I totally did.


And then I decided to squeeze in a bear runs workout and to Make It Count.


You all may not understand what this means to me.
You all may have believed from the start that I would be successful at this. 


I, however, was not so sure.  I'd seen myself fail at this so many times before.  In fact, I'm close to the end of the chart I made for myself to measure my weight (and my fat %) for almost 3 months.  When I noticed that, my first thought was, "Holy crap, I can't believe you've been doing this for so long."  I was genuinely surprised at myself.

And now that I've noticed this about myself-that I fail on purpose sometimes because it's more comfortable to be the likeable girl who is fallible than the successful girl who might just have it all-I can tackle it.  I can notice when I'm self-sabotaging or just crumbling from within to stay out of the reach of success.


Amy noticed some of this too, which tells me I'm definitely onto something if it's palpable to other people.  But what an exciting discovery about myself!  I can only imagine how tackling this thing is going to change my life.


And that's why this is not just about weight loss.  For the millionth time, it's about doing something difficult that I've failed at before.  And all the thoughts about, "Oh I'm betraying feminism by losing weight" have all but fallen to the wayside.  I feel SO much more confident already.  I'm taking more time on my appearance, which MATTERS!  I'm holding myself accountable in other aspects of my life too.  Do the dishes after you eat.  Don't leave clothes on the floor.  Be on time.  Pay bills on time.  Floss. Your. Teeth.


And, I'm dreaming bigger.  Ever since I visited San Diego when my brother was hit by a drunk driver, it felt like home to me (that may have been because our host was the most incredibly funny, generous, and patient person I'd ever met, and then he met his most incredibly funny, generous and patient now fiancee who was a huge support for the second trip out).  I absolutely LOVED the beaches and the mountains and the atmosphere of (what I saw of) the city.  I never considered it a reality that I could actually move there, because I spend my time and energy on low-paying work (granted, it's satisfying work and it's the work I want to be doing, with the exception of my part-time job), and it's expensive to live in San Diego.  Very expensive, actually.  But I dream about it.  I would absolutely love it.  So, it might take me some time, (quite some time, actually), but I absolutely want to find a way to live there.  At the very least, a visit in the near future is doable.


There was one person I knew (only through a friend) who lived out there for awhile but moved back to Pennsylvania saying she had grown up and doesn't need to live out there anymore.  When I heard that, I let it smash my dream of living out there.  I let it mean that it was childish of me to want to live out there.  But, actually, I totally want to be a California girl.  I want to run along the mountain ridges and learn how to surf.  And their gyms have dog-sitters!!!  I just think it's a whole new world for me to explore, with more liberal people to stimulate my brain cells.  Would you believe that part of this weight-loss process is in preparation for being in San Diego?  I've always thought, ever since I was out there, that I just didn't want to be the chunky girl from PA, sticking out like a sore thumb.  I wanted to have the Katy Perry California Girl look. (Totally going against everything feminist I know, but it's just how I feel right now.)  

So, that's what I'm aiming for.  And, maybe someday I'll grow out of this phase (because I fear I'm not a real feminist if I want to fit into the American standard of beauty), but who says I can't have an absolutely fabulous body while I'm still young???  


And...can I rock a six-pack?  I mean, am I "good enough" to make it happen?  Absolutely!!!
I'm already well on my way.


Til tomorrow.  Goodnight.


Oh wait.  I didn't give a breakdown of how my day went.  
I ate breakfast at 12:30pm (oatmeal, blueberries, eggs, and a banana)
I ate meal #2 at 3pm- protein shake, nuts, apple (never feels like enough)
I ate meal #3 at 5:30pm, chicken (more than 4oz to take care of the fact that I was only going to eat four meals), 1/2 a sweet potato, broccoli, rice cake with peanut butter.
I ate meal #4 at 8pm-cod (more than 4oz) and asparagus pan-fried in a little bit of oil with pepper, and the rest of my broccoli from earlier.


I noticed that I was still really hungry and craving sugar, even though I had two Hulk Shakes today.  I thought perhaps it had something to do with not getting enough sleep and letting that hormone get all out of whack.  I need to do a few things.


I need to set my regular bedtime, whether my blog is written or not, and I need to actually follow the plan to the letter.  I keep making my own adjustments (start eating at 12:30pm, eat four meals, etc), and I just need to stop.


Tomorrow will be better. 

Week Eight, Day One! Progress Pics!

I'll work on getting the rest of my body as tan as my shoulders for next week. O.o

So, I'm onto Week 8!  Hard to believe that after these seven days, I will have been eating clean for almost 2 months!  (I started eating clean about 4 days into the blog, I think).

I have so much to process right now!

One of the things I keep dying to write about is that as I drive myself through this goal, I'm finding tiny little slip-ups that I choose to ignore.  Inevitably, they become bigger slip-ups that are harder to ignore, and so I make excuses.  And the whole reason I do all this is because deep down I am still finding it hard to believe that I will actually achieve this goal.

Last week, I didn't work out Monday through Friday.  Unbelievable!  What was my excuse?  Monday, I don't remember, but the rest of the week it was, "Oh, my car is in the shop.  Too hard to do anything."

No it wasn't!  I kept going to bed too late, I stayed at a friend's house so that I could catch the bus to work, and I definitely could have worked out.  I totally could have done it.  But the excuses are so comfortable to me.

You know what's NOT comfortable?  Doing the work anyway.  Doing the work even if my car is in the shop and it's harder to work out.  Doing the work even if I'm working a 12 hour day and my brain starts saying, "If you don't get sugar, you will shrivel up and die.  Must eat fat and sugaaaaarr.  NOW!"

It's actually uncomfortable that it scares me.

It was actually SCARY on Sunday to refuse to have the cup of coffee.  I like to think it was scary because I truly believed I was going to have a terrible energy level if I didn't have the coffee.  But, really, as I get to know this pattern a little bit better, it's scary because I'm actually changing who I am by changing my habits.  And that means I might actually succeed at something difficult.  And for some reason that's scary.

The Betsy today has been relying on excuses.  I know this because the other day I was running late for work.  I didn't want to get out of bed because I was so tired, so I kept hitting snooze instead of just having the discipline to go to bed ON TIME and get up ON TIME.  So...my crafty little brain thought, "Well, I probably won't be late, but even if I am, it's Arts Fest weekend and I'll have an excuse."

So I guess my theme for this week is NO EXCUSES!
It's just one more barrier to break through for me to see success.  As I get to know my patterns better, it's easier to see how I'm going to fall off track.  And that doesn't mean falling off the plan and saying, "I don't have an excuse."  It means STAY ON THE PLAN, NO IF's AND's or BUT's!

Sunday was a good exercise in not making excuses.  My friend inspired this thought for me without knowing it.  She does not do excuses.  She is always at work on time.  She always does her best.  She always speaks kindly of other people.  She makes herself presentable before work, always.  She simply does not do excuses.  And, when I look at the differences between myself and the people who inspire me, I find that I probably do make more excuses for not succeeding than they do.  (I try to look for more similarities, though!)

So, on Sunday, I had almost completely convinced myself that it would be a good idea to get a supercharged cup of coffee from Saint's, complete with cream and sugar.  I thought about having to explain it to Amy.  Eventually I remembered that it might keep me up and going for the next couple of hours, but I would crash later and regret it.  Once I had that realization and was able to let the Fantasy of the Coffee go, I also remembered that on this clean eating plan, my energy is much more level.  I would probably not have to worry about dipping down to such low energy states as I have dealt with in the past.

I spent the rest of the day fighting with myself.  I was putting together a bowl thinking, "It just won't be satisfying without any peanut sauce."  At the last second, I was able to walk away from the bar and cook my bowl with no peanut sauce.  No sugar.  No carbohydrates.  I ate my chicken, vegetables, and rice.  And I was satisfied.  I did not need peanut sauce.

Then I was leaving work to go to the gym.  I had a raw turkey burger with me that I didn't get to eat while I was at work, and my first thought was, "Welp, guess I'll have to go home and put it in the fridge.  I'll just go for a run.  It'll totally be the same easy workout."  But, I knew that if I went home, there was NO WAY I was getting out the door again.  So, with MUCH EFFORT, I went to the gym.  I sat on the bench in the lockeroom.  I did Facebook for awhile.  I finally got on an elliptical.  That elliptical was coming apart.  I thought, "See, it's a bad omen.  I should go home."  I got on an arc trainer instead.  I thought, "I've already wasted 10 minutes on that other machine, I should just go home."  I kept moving my legs back and forth.

At some point I got sucked into these thoughts about being a failure.  All my past failures started to come up and haunt me.  I was probably thinking, "I'm never gonna succeed at this, I don't know why I put myself through this..."  So, then I started taking stock of myself.  I just worked 23 hours over the weekend, made $350 to put toward the damage in my bank account, and on top of that, I ate clean on that day, AND I made it to the gym when all I wanted to do was lay down and die?  And I was feeling like a FAILURE?

I thought that was just plain crazy.  So I started choosing to think about my successes.  Darwin said something to the effect of, "The smartest thing people can do is learn to control their thoughts."  At first, I thought it was crazy, but now I see he was really onto something.  I definitely needed to redirect my thoughts to thoughts of praise of appreciation of how hard I have been working.

But I'm finding that it's MORE than just the excuses.  I'm afraid of what will happen if I actually achieve this goal that I've been trying to accomplish for years and years.  What if I find out I am capable of a lot more than what I'm doing?  What if that means that people will expect more of me?  What if that means that I will expect more of me?

What if I can't do everything I expect of me???  How will I handle the inevitable failure I am setting myself up for?????????????????????????

See.  I'm afraid of success because after every success is a bigger challenge, and I can't see any other outcome than eventually failing in a big way and that scares me.

But I'm going to carry on anyway, and imagine that the successes I might find along the way far outweigh the risk of failure I may be taking.

I must report that I went to bed TOO LATE last night, and I'm going to bed too late again tonight.  But tonight, I get to sleep until I wake up (not good for fitting five meals in, but I'm thinking I might be able to manage).  So, today, I ate my first meal at 8:30am.  Next meal at 12:20pm (meeting went long), next meal at 4:00pm, and last meal at 9pm...that's just the reality of it.  Tomorrow I will try to do better.  Tonight, I DID go to a Kerry class even though I was tired, and I made myself work hard throughout it.  Tomorrow I don't know what kind of work out I will be doing, but it will definitely be in the gym, out of this heat!

Ok, finally time to say goodnight!

Week Seven, Day Six. Disappointing day.

I'll make this short because I truly do need to be up early in the morning.

I had my first day that I just couldn't follow my diet plan.  I worked at Green Bowl from 11am to 11pm.  It's Arts Fest, so it's crazy busy, and obviously I need the money to make up for the big empty hole my car repairs (and other things) have left in my bank account.

But it was so busy that there was just NO WAY anybody was going to let me get away with eating every 3 hours.  As it was, I tried to drink my protein shake, and had to have a gulp here, a gulp there...Ugh.

The quickest and most efficient means of getting food into my body was to make a bowl.  So around 3pm, when we had our first lull, I had my first bowl.  Everything about it was fine except that I added peanut sauce to it. This is what happens when you get overly hungry.  But I did manage to avoid noodles and wraps and anything carbohydrate-y except for the brown rice, which I am allowed to do.

Three hours later, I made the same meal, complete with the peanut sauce because I was panicking that if I didn't put a sauce on it, it wouldn't be satisfying and I would be forced to go through the rest of my shift in hunger that would slow me down and make me clumsy and irritable.

Anyway, I made it all the way through and out the other side.  I just wish I hadn't eaten any sugar.  Now...I am feeling like a failure.

I guess I need to go to bed and let tomorrow be another day.

I did get up and go for my bear runs this morning.  It would be great if i could go for a run tomorrow morning before I eat, but I'm not holding myself to it.

I will go to the gym directly after work tomorrow to relieve all that tension and be able to go home and get ready for the rest of the week.

Good night!

Week Seven, Day FIVE! CHEAT DAY!!!

I have very little time to write this blog tonight.  Grrr.  My favorite thing to do is to write about this process.
But, it is currently 11:56pm, and I need to wake up at 6am to do bear runs, eat (at 7am) go to yoga with Kerry, (if it's still on, it is Arts Fest, so who knows), and get showered and head to work at the restaurant 11am-10pm, and hopefully make up the money I spent this week on car repairs (boo!) and a baby shower (whee!), not to mention, I need to scramble around to find $700 to at least get the paperwork started on moving.  And here's my plan to do that:  I worked tonight, I will work all day tomorrow, and I will work a breakfast and lunch shift on Sunday.  And I will pick up shifts as much as humanly possible until I don't need to anymore (which might be forever.  haha.  Really funny.)

Anyway, so MY CHEAT DAY!
I woke up so excited!  I made myself breakfast (which I always look forward to) and coffee because I had to drive somewhere for work today, so I thought having coffee on a long drive would be nice.  Eh, I think I might have preferred the tea I've been drinking.  The coffee was just missing something.  It just wasn't as fantastic as I remembered.  I actually considered stopping at Saints on my way out of town to get THEIR coffee and put cream and sugar in it to have the full coffee effect.  I decided I didn't have the time, and I had no need to spend $3 when I had coffee already in the car with me, and I totally planned on having coffee at the Waffle Shop later.  Suffice it to say, I got my coffee fix.

Once I got to my destination, I got my hands on some mini-Nerds, Smarties, and a warhead.  I thought, "It's my cheat day!  When am I EVAAAAR again going to get to snack on these?"  So I started eating them, full well knowing I was violating the rules, and that they weren't good enough to be violating the rules for...and I ended up throwing them away.  I did have some Nerds and a few Smarties, but I just wondered to myself, "Is there something so exciting about this that I need to continue?"  And no, there wasn't.  So I didn't. 

I ate my second meal and some of my Hulk Shake while at my destination.  I finally headed back to State College around 2pm and went to the WAFFLE SHOP FOR CHEAT MEAL NUMBER 1!  I was so excited!  The smell of the place, the expectation of delicious food delivered quickly and perfectly, and I even went to my favorite one.  I figured, "Why bother enjoying it if part of it is going to be a downer?"

I ordered the S3, which is two eggs (over easy), 2 slices of bacon, 2 slices of wheat bread with butter/margarine, and a side of home fries.  I also ordered a coffee and 2 pancakes.  YUM. 

I have to say, the anticipation was probably more exciting than actually eating the food.  With the exception of the pancakes, of course.  They were to die for.  I put butter and maple syrup on them too.  (Amy gave me the go-ahead!)  Oh Em Gee.  Fantastic.  I couldn't stop eating the potatoes, just because they had the sweat of Satan on them (ketchup with high fructose corn syrup). 

I was REALLY concerned that I wouldn't be able to stop eating.  I was REALLY convinced that I would eat myself sick.  I knew that I would do that because I had created "famine brain" around this event.  Famine brain sounds like this, "Oh my god, this is only going to happen once, so stuff yourself to capacity because RESOURCES ARE SCARCE!  GET IT NOW BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER GET IT AGAIN!!!"

So, once I realized that I was going to shoot myself in the foot by overeating if I continued, I stacked my plates.  I didn't have the wherewithall to imagine loads and loads of pancakes drenched in butter and maple syrup following me around for a lifetime.  But, once I stacked my plates, I found that I could sit in the pleasantness of having just finished a meal and be satisfied.  I came dangerously close to making myself sick.

So, the tally was:  3/4 of 2 pancakes (so, one and a half pancakes with butter and maple syrup...not drenched in it), half the serving of home fries with ketchup, all of my eggs (over easy), 2 slices of bacon, one slice of bread (buttered), and 1.5 cups of coffee with (total of) 2 teaspoons sugar and probably one fat serving (size of my thumb) of half and half.

I had picked up cheesecake from Wegman's for my second cheat meal (I was under the impression that I got two cheat meals and a dessert), but I forgot it at home when I went to pick up my clothes  and dinner for my restaurant job. :(

No cheesecake for me.  I was very sad at the time. :(

So, before my shift started, I snuck into Five Guys and ordered a Little Cheeseburger with fries.  I picked up some vinegar and ketchup and went to work.  At about six o'clock, I decided to dig into it. 

That burger blew Waffle Shop out of the water!  Oh my god, it was so heavenly delicious.  There was no mistaking it.  I could only eat it in bites in-between doing things, but it was so AMAZING!  The white bread had me like putty in its hands!  White bread MIGHT give me a high similar to something addictive, I don't know.  I just get a MAJOR lift when I eat it.  The fries were good, but cold, so not so amazing.  But the burger?   Amazing.

The tally was:  I ate all of the burger, and only most of the fries that were in the cup, with vinegar.  I didn't add ketchup to anything.  I did drink about 8oz or less of diet soda...hahahahaha, I just realized now that it wasn't Diet Pepsi, it was Diet Coke...which is so funny because while I was drinking it, I was thinking, "oh my god, I love Diet Pepsi so much, it's really too bad it's not good for me.  This is way better than Coke."  Ha.

As it turns out, the Diet Coke gave me a headache.

After eating the meals, I wasn't sure what to expect.  After Waffle Shop, I expected to be drowsy and tired.  And I was for a little bit.  Probably because I came so dangerously close to making myself sick.  But literally by the time I was in the car and driving away, I perked right up.

All in all, I felt great afterward, physically.  Full of energy and ready to take on the world.

But psychologically, I felt fat.  And not "fat" as in, "Oh my god, I probably just gained 5 pounds", although I was feeling that too.  I felt fat in the terms that we see fat here in America, I felt the following things:  like a failure, like my belly just popped right back out to what it was before I started this diet.  But mainly, like a failure...and I remember I kept thinking, "God, I'm such a porker" and trying to suck my belly in further.

Who talks to themselves that way?

This is why it is so important that I get up tomorrow to do my bear runs.  I need to follow this through to know that I truly can have cheat days AND lose weight.

I'm falling asleep typing, so I suppose I should go soon.

I must say, I still ate my fish, asparagus and green beans at 9pm (3 hours after last meal, and since it's 12:26am now, I suppose I ate my last meal early enough!  I wasn't particularly hungry, but I wasn't full either, so I decided that Amy would probably tell me that it's about sandwiching your meals with clean meals so you're not going to bed with sugar in your system.  Well, I don't know...but that's what I'd say. ;)

So, I got home and drank my vinegar.  The running joke at the office is that I'm going to find out at the end of all of this that the vinegar was just serving as a conditioning tool: "If you eat sugar, you'll have to drink this vinegar!"

Good thing I trust Amy a thousand times more than that.  I suspect it's a detox of some kind.  I've talked to lots of people about it, and this appears to be the effect it has on me, so I'm gonna go ahead and call it that.

Well, I'm totally exhausted, so I'm going to have to call it a night.  Tomorrow's a big day!

Week Seven, Day Two! I saw 139 today!!!

Today was rough.
I am still emotionally depleted.  It was all I could do today to pretend to care about anything.
I did, however, get up-almost on time.  I was having a really strange dream that I don't understand.  I was eating a live groundhog...just biting into her (?) buttocks and taking a bite.  Only, the groundhog was made of cake, and it didn't seem to mind me eating it.

I woke up REALLY hungry, which doesn't surprise me, because I didn't get to eat all of my meals yesterday.  I slept too much throughout the day to eat all of them.

So, I accidentally ate 5 egg whites this morning, but I didn't think it was that big of a deal because I missed meals yesterday.  I did well with my meals up until my last one!  Why does that always happen!  (Oh, I know why...I get caught up in something and before I know it, I'm two hours past the last time I should have eaten.  Oops.  Gotta get on that!)

I meant to take a solid 4 hour break from work today, but ended up not doing that.  I only took one hour, and I didn't want to drive all the way home and back because my car is acting up...and my 5th meal was at home. 

Not taking a break also meant I didn't work out AGAIN today, which is three days in a row.  This is NOT what I call making my plan a priority.

However, on a super bright note, the scale read 139.0 today! I know that I shouldn't care about what the scale says, but I have NOT been able to dip below 140 in AGES AND AGES!  So, I am super-excited about that.

Tonight, I have a challenge ahead of me.  I must wash my dishes from today, take a shower, prep all my meals for tomorrow, buy groceries (ugh!), and take all my stuff over to my friend's to stay the night because I am dropping my car off at the shop tomorrow and I don't know if they will have it done in one day, and I don't live close enough to work to walk or take the bus.  I hope they have it done in one day.  I hope it's not that big of a deal.

But for right now, I'm absolutely exhausted.  My hope is to accomplish everything I want to get done tonight, and reward myself with some True Blood.  I missed out last night because I stayed up too late.

Here I go!