Week 5 Day 2

I have been off my plan since Friday. I was exhausted and decided to have a beer. It was all downhill from there. I didn't get enough rest all weekend and came down with something on Sunday. 

But. Starting tonight, I'm back on my affirmations, and I'm ready to eat clean again.  

Week 4 Day 3

What a successful day! I did get a slow slow start to the gym this morning, because I turned my phone off and forgot to turn it back on. Oops!  Woke up at 7am, naturally. That was really pleasant. 

Anyway, this morning at the gym, this guy just walked right up to me, told me he noticed me, said he thought I was pretty cute and wanted to get to know me better! It totally made my day...first, I told him that it was really brave to approach me, and next, I told him I was probably ten years older than him. Turns out, that's true, but he was undeterred. Fine by me! Anyway, after that, I thought, "I should just go back to bed, I don't think anything else that fun is going to happen today."

But I kind of finished my workout, picked up a few groceries and got on my way. 

I knew I had planned to do a second workout of cardio today, but 5:00 hit, and I had so many excuses not to. Like, it doesn't matter, I'm tired, I ate too late, I don't feel like it. You know. But I remembered, in an accidental kind of way that one of my affirmations is, "I follow though". I call it accidental because...since I repeat them morning and night, they become part of my inner dialogue. So, instead of ONLY hearing the voices that would have me go home, I also heard a voice that expected me to follow through. 

So I went back to the gym. But I so didn't feel like it. First, I finished my biceps workout. Unfortunately, this morning my headphones quit on me, so while I was doing my bicep curls, I heard these two guys, one was huge in a roidy kind of way...that might be rude to say about people, but I don't know what else to call it. They walk around like they have a metal rod in the shape of an arrow (pointing up) supporting their spine and arms. KWIM?  Anyway, I almost laughed out loud because they were both doing this RIDICULOUS testosteroney verbal posturing about how awesome they thought themselves were, while simultaneously cutting each other down. Maybe this is just what guys do, but I totally wanted to interject, "No MY dick is bigger than yours!"  Ah, but I didn't. 

After arms, I thought quite seriously about that being enough. But I really wanted to make this week work for me. So I agreed to do just a little cardio. Long story short, twenty minutes later, I had convinced myself to do JUST ONE round of this tough tough cardio routine. Once that was complete, I convinced myself to do two more, which completed the workout I had planned to do. Could hardly believe it. I just kept repeating the things that I learned from my vulnerable yoga class: I have a strong mental game. I can. Where I am right now is ok. 

Good night!

Week 4 Day 2

Long day. I attacked my leg workout today. Usually I HATE that particular workout because it takes do long. But this time I just took the emotion out of it and went after it. It still took an hour and twenty minutes, but I'm sure a good chunk of that was the few sets I added and def my calf exercises because I triple them to hit all three heads. My guess is I'm gonna feel it all tomorrow!

Week 2, Days 6 & 7

I DID IT!  My goal this week was to MASTER MY DIET. I totally did. And, the reward for this effort?  I had hoped to see 136 on the scale, although the scale us Bout to be replaced by pics. But I DID!  Last Sun my weight was 138.0. This Sunday my weight was 136.4!  I'm a little confused because my measurements didn't change a whole awful lot, but that's why I'm adding the pics. The changes will most likely be visual. 

I EVEN had my FIRST EVER successful and satisfying cheat without binging!!!

So proud of myself!  I ate almost half a burger and about half of a loaded baked potato, plus two rolls with butter and a diet soda at Texas Road House. Then u had a quarter of a peanut butter cream pie from Wegmans. I ALWAYS have more than that. 

I even took a shot of apple cider vinegar! That will make eating clean tomorrow easier. 

The practice of affirmations has been incredibly helpful for me. This week, I plan to NAIL my meal plan AGAIN, and thus time, adding sleep as a major factor.   I tend to stay up too late, screwing around. Whether it's playing Candy Crush Saga or Facebook or simply worrying about a problem that isn't mine, I'm not making the best use of my time. 

This week, and in general, more and more, I'm really leaning into yoga practice as a way to discover what I'm capable if. What is possible. Some aspirations if mine have come back to life in light of how much I've learned I'm capable if, if I just get out if my own way!

I'm thinking I might add a Wednesday yoga class so that I can improve my overall yoga abilities. Once a week just probably isn't enough for me. Plus, I don't mind the extra inspiration halfway through the week. 

Good night!

Oh I should add my pics. 

Week 4 Day 1

I had a great day today, although it didn't start out that way. 

I chose to get up at 5am, which was good, but I kind of piddled away the time and didn't get to the gym until 7am, then I forgot about my laundry, so I didn't even START working out until 7:20am or so. And I was tired...like a lingering tired from days of not enough sleep. 

But I got through my work day, crossed three annoying, important, overdue tasks off my to-do list AND did a cardio session at 6pm. 

All in all I am so proud of myself. Good night. I forgot pictures. 

Week 3, Day 7

I failed to blog last night because I spent too much time chatting with a friend/colleague/partner in the work I do- at Wegman's. 

However, I made it my personal mission today to carve out some time to be ALONE today. All the time I had did that yesterday, I have away in some fashion. 

So, here it is, 7:10pm and I'm in bed. So happily in bed. I've spent most of the past two weeks TIRED. Luckily this weekend I managed to get 8 hours of sleep Friday and Saturday nights, but Saturday yoga ALWAYS wears me out, and Green Bowl on Sundays always wears me out, even though I don't work that hard. I think it's just that I am mentally depleted. 

Anyway, I had an experience during Saturday yoga that I really wanted to explore. I'd like to write an extended blog about it, but I haven't yet. The front of the studio is all glass, and even though its difficult to see in, when I had to roll out my mat close to the windows, I really had a reaction. I didn't realize what an impact it would have on me, but this fear came to life that someone I knew would walk by while I was doing yoga and would be able to see and identify me. I was particularly worried that a SPECIFIC person would see me. It really uncovered my vulnerability in this aspect: I realized that I consistently believe I am the worst student in the class. It would be one thing if this person, or even other people I know, saw me doing REALLY AWESOME MOVES.  You know THAT would be different. I could be proud, easily. But because I see myself in such a negative light all I could do was keep an eye out...but the impact it had on me mentally was terrible. I certainly suffered through that class. I wanted to be mad at someone, but I knew it was ALL ME. I tried to change the perspective, like, "Hey, even if I'm the *worst* student in the class, I'm still IN THE CLASS. Anyone who is walking by has NO RIGHT to judge." But that didn't work. Because I also have this belief that the *specific* person I was worried about could probably do this yoga class better than I can, even if she'd never done it before.  But I know that's horseshit, because that class is HARD. I just hold onto the belief that she is mentally stronger than I am. But then I caught myself comparing an imaginary situation to my REAL situation and I thought, "Comparison is the thief of joy."  Which put me right back to being afraid of someone seeing me be the worst student in a class of 12 people. Or just looking awkward instead of elegant. So, I'm making it my mission this week to identify and eliminate those self-defeating thoughts, beliefs, and practices that I noticed during yoga. Because, it actually all made me perform WORSE. no surprise there though. I need to remind myself that I do push to my edge and beyond, and that's. all that counts. All I can do is focus on me. And with that, I'm going to sleep. 

Week 3 Day 5

I forgot to blog yesterday!

It was so late by the time I got home that I could barely manage my abbreviated  "it's what you do every that counts" routine: shower, brush/floss teeth, affirmations. The extended list includes doing the dishes and unpacking and repackage my bags for the next day, but I've been skipping that. It really only helps me in the moment. Invariably I regret it the next day. 

Anyway, I had a KILLER FRIDAY today!  I don't know if maybe it was because I took the time to meditate for 10 minutes before I got ready for the day, but everything just got me GOING today. 

First, doing my morning pages, I churned out a list of things I needed and wanted to do. But what really shocked me was that WITHOUT super pump, I absolutely murdered my leg workout. I don't even know what got into me. Instead if just getting through it, I decided to tackle it. I'm sure my legs are going to feel it tomorrow. I'm already creating expectations and fears about what yoga is going to be like. I didn't stretch even. I'm probably going to get Charlie horses in my glutes and calves. That'll be just great, I'll fall down and just pulse in the throes of Charlie horses. Ok. So, that's probably not going to happen because I'll come out of the pose before I have an embarrassing episode like that. 

At any rate, it's 9:22pm and I'm in bed. That's new!

I'm so excited because I'm heading into this weekend with my chicken cooked for the next five days and fish for the next three. That's really as far out as I like to cook anyway. Oh, AND most of my laundry is clean and most of the dishes are done. I'm babysitting a 3 month old tomorrow, and I might be able to spend time with horses! 

Anyway. I should really get to sleep. Or. Take advantage of this time and read a book!

Week 3 Day 3

I am STILL so tired. But maybe after today I'll have rested enough. 

I did my first two-a-day in a long time today. Unfortunately, because I slept in, all my meals were off. So by the time I got to Yoga Power Pump (or some combination of those words) I was CRANKY. it was a bad mood and attitude I just couldn't shake. I tried all kinds of mental tricks. But all I kept thinking about was everything that irritated me: I couldn't hear her instructions over-thru the music, I wasn't accustomed to the moves and I couldn't do them at the "right" pace, my muscles were burning out fast and I felt like a quitter, my face was sweating and I didn't have a hand towel, just a bath towel, my hair kept getting in my eyes and flopping all over. GAH! I was so frustrated. It wasn't until after class that I realized I was probably experiencing LOW BLOOD SUGAR. That usually is what it makes me feel like. 

I had a goal of being in bed by 8:00pm so I could SLEEP more. But by the time I ate, went to Wegmans, ate again, did the dishes, prepped some food...it was after 9pm. 

And here it is, 10:03pm. I could keep writing, but I know...it's more important to shut down. Good night. 

Week 3 Day 2

I. Am. So. Tired. 

Ate perfectly today. Had more cravings. Did not give in to them. Can't decide if I should let myself sleep til 7 or not. I probably should. 

Good night. 

11:02

Week 3 Day 1

I couldn't sleep last night. It was terrible. Then the whole day I was painfully tired. I noticed around 4:45 when I didn't start eating my meal (I wanted to wait until I got home-idk why really, maybe it felt like too much effort) that I was having RIDICULOUS cravings for Taco Bell. I don't even know when the last time I ate Taco Bell was, and I certainly haven't craved it. Anyway, it took a second, but I remembered that sleep deprivation will mess with cravings, especially if you don't eat on time!  

I actually felt a little at risk for nose diving off my plan. But, I got it together and went home and ate like I was supposed to. I even cooked/prepped most of my meals for the rest of the week. YAY!

And this morning, I totally did my intervals 10 on the arc machine and ten on the stairmill. And it was tough. Then I lifted for 20 minutes, ate and was even on time to work. 

Now it's 9:21 and I need to sleep. 

Week 2 Day 5

I'm up past my bedtime. 

I ate pretty perfectly today...oh but I forgot to write it down. Too late. I'm in bed now. 

I've already had thoughts and excuses about skipping yoga tomorrow, but I will not. 

Saturday yoga is such a challenge and shows me that I can push past my limits, especially because some if them are imaginary. 

I need to eat on schedule tomorrow. Which will be hard if I'm working at Green Bowl. Which I am. 

But I'm getting my hair cut, so yay!

11:31 goodnight. 

Week 2, Day 4

I am proud to report that for the FOURTH day in a row, I have followed my plan IMPECCABLY!

I may even be starting to get a handle on my anxiety/panic attacks. I can't entirely explain it, but sometimes the phrase, "Don't borrow trouble" helps. My newfound tool is to accept each moment like I chose it. That it is as it should be. Even if terrible things happen. But usually, it's not terrible things that happen, I'm just paralyzed in fear that terrible things will happen. 

Just writing that made me think, "Great. Tempting fate, are we?" But. I've learned I can't control everything. But I will survive. Until I don't. And when I don't survive, I won't care because I will be dead. But, I will probably live a long life and die of old age. Or a heart attack from all of this anxiety. 

But the anxiety is an important thing to get under control, because when I panic, I need to self-soothe when it's over. If alcohol or hard drugs (that's a joke) aren't available, food or coffee-the kind that's actually a milkshake-will also soothe quite nicely. And then AFTER the panic, whether I self-soothe or not, I'm exhausted and not at all motivated to do what I'm supposed to do. 

I was just thinking today about how much my habits have changed since I started this endeavor two years ago. I'm thinking I should keep good track of what I'm doing differently now...because I'm sure people will want to know ... And I will want to be able to tell them-how I made those adjustments. How I changed my habits. At what speed?  

Anyway. It's bedtime. 

Week 2 Day 3

I am killing it! I am so excited that I'm actually in bed early too!  But that's because I didn't do my dishes or pack my bags for tomorrow. I really need to just suck it up and do that stuff at night. 

Anyway, I ate PERFECTLY again today. Granted, it wasn't particularly scintillating. I did find out that spinach shakes are actually the consistency of water, whereas kale shakes never get that smooth. It was good to be able to just chug the whole thing, but spinach can be pretty bitter!

I am very very proud of the job I did today. I am learning that I am willing to do what it takes to succeed. Now I get to  read before bed because I have time!

Week 2 Day 2

I ate exactly what I was supposed to eat today, almost exactly on time. NOTHING tastes as good as being able to say that. But I'm an hour late to bed, so good night. 

Week 2!

I simply did not get enough sleep all weekend long. So I'm going to bed. Right now, at 5:21pm. I hope I sleep for 12 hours. 

I ate on time today, but skipped my 7:30 meal bc I'm going to sleep through it. 

Week One Complete!!!

I had a pretty full weekend. I am happy to say that it's 7:03pm, and despite working two shifts at Green Bowl this weekend, I managed to do my laundry (although I have an entirely NEW basket full of dirty clothes already), prep ALL of my food for at LEAST the next two days...most of my food is prepped for the week. My dishes are DONE DONE DONE, I'm showered, my workouts are written out for the week, and my gym bag is packed with work clothes for tomorrow. Phew!  I haven't been able to relax like this on a Sunday night in a long time!

I had my cheat meal today, and I didn't go berserk. I ate at Waffle Shop after having 5 egg whites at home and FINALLY spending 30 minutes meditating outside. 

That's my cheat meal:cheese omelette, pancakes, and home fries. I didn't eat all the potatoes, though. I should have eaten more throughout the day, but I didn't. Now, as I settle in for this movie with NOTHING ELSE to worry about, and nobody but my cat to interrupt, I'm going to have some chocolate dessert and potato chips. I know, I know. I shouldn't have the chips at all, and I should have had the dessert earlier. Shoulda would coulda. I'm going into this week with the goal of absolutely mastering my diet this week, and I want to start it off with a feeling of abundance, not deprivation. This is where I am this week. That reminds me...I should rewrite my affirmations before I watch this movie. Ok. Just ONE last thing before I relax. 

Day 6-Saturday!

This week has been interesting. I found it difficult to eat clean throughout the week but made a real attempt this week to Work My Plan. There were plenty of times I didn't want my pre-planned meals. Most of the time, I just ate them. Sometimes, I didn't though. 

I've come to the place where I can see that it's not my ABILITY that is holding me back, it's the willingness to pay the price. Am I WILLING to say no when I'm having a sugar/salty craving, and those ever-present cookies, cake, chips are Right There. 

I remember now: giving in to that craving makes me feel regretful (is that a word?). I ALREADY KNOW HOW THAT STORY ENDS. I've done it several times over the course of my life. 

So, this time around, I want to keep a new story in the front of my brain: I choose. The food will ALWAYS be there. My opportunity to start over will always be there, too, but I don't want to do that again. 

I'm definitely feeling like something is shifting internally. I'm taking risks in other areas of my life as well. Just getting out of my comfort zone. I mean, I've been feeling stuck for quite a long time now, in quite a few ways. 

Anyway. I'm willing now to push a little harder, stop coddling myself. I frequently find myself giving up or giving in and then wondering, "What's wrong with me?" In a workout class it's *thought bubble: these other people must work out more than I do, must be stronger than me/I must have an iron deficiency, there must be a reason I can't do this, I am dehydrated. And my PERSONAL FAVORITE: I bet I'm dying of a terminal disease, and when they (? I don't know who they is) realize it, they will think it's so incredible that I was able to work out like this*. It's crazy when i think about it, that i want an excuse, a way out so bad that I consider the possibility that my health is failing when it's probably at its peak?  That's really my belief system working against me. 

When it's about diet, I sometimes look at other people and think: *she must not be as hungry, in as much discomfort as I am in avoiding this food. HOW do they choose to eat that even when on vacation/eating out? This must be easier for them. Or, the infamous: I'll just do more cardio*. Hahaha. 

The truth is, the sooner I really deeply believe that EVERYONE struggles or has struggled with this AT THE SAME LEVEL that I am at or have been at, the sooner I can deeply believe that it is possible for me to achieve this goal.  For too long I've had a deep conviction that something is fundamentally wrong with me...but the only thing that's wrong with me is that I believe that story. 

I started doing lighter weights, but higher reps bc a former trainer at the gym told me that sometimes I sacrifice form for weight. So, yesterday was legs. Today was hell. Haha just kidding, not really hell. But kind of. It's kind of hell when you are waiting tables and you can either move accurately (not even gracefully, just generally avoid running into walls, people, and corners) or quickly (and fail to avoid aforementioned obstacles). 

So first, I had hot yoga, at 8:30am, and I was so proud of myself for getting there! It was a new morning routine for me because I didn't know EXACTLY where it was, and I needed to bring my own mat. I had at least ten solid excuses for skipping it. But I didn't. And then we got started and my legs were SCREAMING. There was also some cramping in my glutes from my trigger points bc I've been neglecting to work them out. Anyway, I really felt like, "Man! Am I EVER going to get to the level of fitness that I can just DO THIS CLASS?"  Today it felt like this journey has been long and not as fruitful as I had hoped. But, one thing I do know is: Do not skip Saturday yoga. It will ONLY make returning that much harder. I suppose I might have to miss it for Sarà's birthday party, but I bet I can squeeze it in and then leave town. 

Anyway. So after hot yoga, inevitably, I feel super tired. Every week, I know if I do hot yoga, I better make room for extra sleep or a nap if I'm working at Green Bowl. Today, I went from hot yoga straight to waiting tables. The thing is, I also know that if my legs are sore to the point that moving quickly is difficult (you MUST move quickly when waiting tables), I will be EXHAUSTED before the shift is over. I mean painfully tired, over-extended, lose my filter, might-cry-or-have-a-meltdown-if-someone-makes-my-life-hard tired. I do not want to be in that place. Ever. The only good thing about it is that I sleep like the dead afterward. But I already did that once this week-Wednesday-and I was still tired ALL DAY Thursday, even though I took a nap and it was the fourth of July. See how I could concoct a rationale that I have some disease?  I have to wonder: does anyone else ever feel like this?!? The answer is Yes, Betsy. They just accept it better than you do. 

I suppose that's true. I don't accept it. I don't think it's smart to live life in that state too often. 

Anyway, I wish I had time to revise and edit this, because the bottom line that I keep choosing to come to-every day-is that if I want to achieve this goal, I've got to be willing to stop giving myself the same outs, the same stories, the same sabotages.  One of my affirmations reads: be willing to stop being a caterpillar. It's from a quote: A little girl asked, "What does it take to be a butterfly?" Someone answered, "You must want to fly so much that you're willing to give up being a caterpillar."

So I've let that quote help me notice my caterpillar ways: the things I repeat in my brain when faced with a difficult choice. 

That's all for now. 

Day 5

I ate clean today even though the office folks ordered pizza and had very yummy looking cookies. I just decided its time to get serious about all this. If I want results, I have GOT to Work. My. Plan.  

I had 5 meals total, which may explain why I'm so hungry. 

Anyway. I had plans on doing my laundry and cooking all my chicken tonight before bed but all I could manage was the laundry. And I fell asleep on the couch before that even finished. So goodnight!

Day Four!

Today was the Fourth of July and I was trying to figure out how to balance my plan-or follow my plan-without feeling like a weirdo at BBQs or feeling deprived. 

I read a great motivational blurb today that really said: choosing to follow your plan should not feel victimizing. It should feel like YOU are in control, and YOU are making choices. Because ultimately, this is YOUR GOAL. 

I was trying to decide between following my plan P-E-R-F-E-C-T-L-Y or indulging a little bit to feel like I'm folding this into a lifestyle. As it turned out, I slept late, ate late, got to the gym late, and was STILL wiped out, so I took a nap...and my whole day was "off". But I didn't let that drag me down into a free for all. I had sensible food...and a few less-than-sensible items. 

I did go to Wegmans after the BBQ and thought about indulging some more. But then I remembered that the reason I fall short of my goal is because of moments like this. 

So instead, I got what I needed and came home. I promptly took a shot of apple cider vinegar to cleanse the sugar out of my system, and got right back into my routine. So now it's 11:23pm and I'm late to bed. Thank god tomorrow is Friday. I'm learning I get up later and later as the week goes on. Need to find a way to remedy that. 

Day 3

I had a good day today!  I'm not sure that meals 4 and 5 counted as following my plan because I ate at Green Bowl. What a LONG day tho. 

Anyway, each time, I just had chicken, spinach, onion, and green peppers or carrots with sesame oil and 1/2 cup brown rice. I mean most of it qualifies as clean. I'm not sure about the sesame oil, but the bottom line is that it's not PERFECT.  perfect would have been eating what I eat EVERY DAY. It was just hard to decide to eat less tasty food when I could convince myself that the food I was about to eat was *just as clean*. It wasn't, lets be real. 

Anyway, I had quite the boost at the gym today. Some guy said he noticed my dedication...and basically said I should be seeing more changes. But I explained how its been so hard to stay on my diet-hard to even START because every time I think about staying on a clean eating plan for four months all I can think is, "Cake!"  But all in all, it was an encouraging discussion. What I got out of it is there's no reason to hold back or sabotage. 

So I'm ready to go for it. Commit to my diet and get mentally prepared for the road that lies ahead. :)

Day 2

Had a great day!  I got up, a little late, but well-rested. I did my usual routine and headed to the gym. I'm not sure what made me so late other than having to put my gym bag together. Luckily I did my food the night before, but I didn't make it to the gym until almost 8am. 

Anyway, I had a great day of eating on time, UNTIL I started the 6:00pm class I teach and found that they had brought me cake and a balloon for my birthday!

Long story short, my last meal was a few apple slices with peanut butter and a piece of cake. Not perfect, but I guess I'm trying to make this a lifestyle too...so I had the cake. Is that people pleasing? Or did I not want to feel deprived? I don't know. At any rate, I seriously considered coming home and eating some of the strawberry shortcake I have in the fridge, but I didn't. It wasn't even hard. I still don't know if I made "the best" decision-I mean, I would theoretically be closer to my goal right now if I had chosen not to have cake. However, choosing not to have cake could have also made me feel resentful, angry, and deprived, and maybe I would have come home and polished off the remaining cake. 

I also know that these situations crop up ALL THE TIME where food is presented to you and you feel like you should partake...you may even be shamed/pressured into it, and I will remember that I can say no to food that's not on my plan because I'm saying YES to something bigger than a piece of cake. 

Day one down!

I'm fifteen minutes behind schedule so ill make this fast. I had a great day today! It didn't start off great because I didn't have my stuff ready. This morning was a hassle to get out the door. 

But, I made it out the door, and once my pre-workout kicked in, I was doing great!

I ate on time all day and incorporated a snack that makes me SO happy: cottage cheese and strawberries. I didn't know I could do that!

It's my midday meal, so it breaks up the monotony of the chicken. 

But what I've found most helpful is that IT IS really the messages that you tell yourself that make all the difference. I can't BELIEVE I've waited this long to have the guts to commit to a program. But I suppose if you don't identify what's holding you back...well, you can't fix it. 

I've identified it. 

So I'm reminding myself every day they I CAN do this and I AM doing it. 

I'm also remembering to behave like I already have a low body fat % and can wear a bikini with pride. That helps. 

Good night.