Week Five, Day Four...made some mistakes today...

So, I'm glad that today is over because I get a brand new chance tomorrow.

First, I didn't get to bed until 11pm AGAIN.  Second, I didn't get OUT of bed until 9am, although I was woken up several times between 6:30 and 9:00 because:  I had to pee, cat wanted food, cat climbing on me, woke up in sheer panic that I missed something.  Alarm started going off at 7:55am, and I hit snooze until 8:21am.  At that point, kitty was all up in my face, and I was so distracted with her that I never went back to sleep.

I still did manage to go on a 37min jog before breakfast. 

I'm finding that I am SUPER HUNGRY for breakfast these days.  Before, I couldn't finish my banana and wanted to cut it out of my diet.  Now, I'm eating the banana AND the blueberries for breakfast.  I did well with my second meal.  Ate just what I was supposed to three hours after my first meal.

However.  For my third meal (and I knew I would have to squeeze them in because I didn't start eating until 10:15am), I thought I would make sure I got more protein.  I was concerned that my chicken breast was slightly smaller than it should be, so I decided to eat my turkey burger at the same time.

This was a clear mistake.

Oh, and I started taking Metamucil.  You would too, if you're not used to eating this way!  I think I'm abusing the privilege, because I like to eat it like pudding.  It's pretty tasty, and actually makes me feel like I'm eating a dessert, but today, when I had it with my third meal at 4:30pm, I really overdid it. I think I ended up putting three teaspoons in one glass just to make it thicker.

The problem is that it's like eating another thing for a meal.

So, after my third meal, I totally crashed.  I had my salad, chicken, turkey, yam, and rice cake with peanut butter.  AND, I don't know if I'm feeling deprived, or what, but I just couldn't stop myself from having another tablespoon of peanut butter. 

For some reason, in the moment, I couldn't/didn't think "Just let the moment pass/This is your brain trying to avoid changing patterns/We are eating like this for a reason."

No.  All I could think was, "Eat the peanut butter, or you will binge on the chocolate you bought for class tonight."

I'm wondering if I'm feeling deprived.  Well.  Time will tell.

Anyway, I was in such a slump for class, and never got hungry for my 4th meal.

So, I'm sure that I shut my metabolism WAY down from having those two proteins at meal #3.  Won't do that again!

And now, I'm going to relax, watch an episode of True Blood, drink some more tea (4th cup today...another reason I think I'm feeling deprived...one was caffeinated, this morning...the rest was to stave off my chocolate urges), and GO TO BED!

Tomorrow is a brand new day.  Hopefully I'll get up in time for a little run/jog, and to eat breakfast by 7/7:30am.

Week Five, Day Three...I'm SO Back!

Short post tonight because I got Season 3 (?) of True Blood in the mail and totally plan on watching at least one episode before I go to bed.

First off, waking up today after being able to indulge a little bit on my birthday was AWESOME.  I felt like I could take on the world.  Getting back on my plan (I've been struggling lately) did NOT seem so insurmountable after all.

Wait, I need to back up a second.  Before I went to bed last night, I drank over an ounce of this stuff.
It was absolutely so terrible I almost couldn't believe it myself.  I would have sooner done a shot of whiskey spiked with tobasco sauce mixed with tequila and tomato juice.  That would have been light years easier to drink.

The sensation of drinking this was:  "Oh my god Oh my god, no don't stop drinking it, if you stop, you'll never finish it!  It's burning!  Is it supposed to burn this much?  Is this looking for ulcers????  WATER!  WATER!  COLD WATER, OH MY GOD!!!  WHY IS IT STILL BURNING!  Oh my god.  I'm gonna throw up.  This is really upsetting my belly.  I can't lay down, I think I'll throw right up.  MORE WATER!  Why isn't this water DOING ANYTHING?!?!?"

Then I got used to the burning sensation and decided to risk laying down.  It literally felt like I had just been throwing up...the way that acid feels in your belly and throat.  Oh.  It was bad.

But I felt like such a badass for making it through!  Because of the burning sensation, I wonder if what the vinegar does is go through your system to clean out traces of sugar so that you don't crave it the next day.  Cause I can sure as hell tell you, I was so surprised to find myself NOT needing sugar anymore today.  I was so happy too be back on my diet.

Ok.  So that was the long-winded part of my day since my last post.

The short of it is, I only got 5 hours of sleep (work and food prep), but I made it to the gym by 6:45am, did my bear runs on the elliptical...maybe 11.  Definitely 10.  Spent 40/45 min altogether on it.  I needed to make sure I really warmed up.  And, NO CRAMPING!  But, I think that's because I had the incline on 14-it wasn't targeting my quads.  I also had the resistance on 8-as advised by Amy (10-14 on incline, 5-9 on resistance).  GO ME!

I got back home just in time to make my breakfast and do the absolute minimum to get ready for work...I had to do a training, so it was important that I looked presentable.  Then, I got on with my day.  I ate all my meals on schedule.

The only thing I did a little funny today was that I was just being lazy and decided to eat a whole yam at lunch instead of half, because half would have been less than 4oz and I wanted a clean split.  I didn't want 2oz of yam hanging around that I couldn't do anything with.  I don't know why I had this reaction.  If it bothered me so much I could have just thrown it away.  AH.  But that's it.  I love my yams.  Maybe it was just an excuse to get to eat more.

Anyway, so since I did that, I decided to save the rice cake and peanut butter for meal #4, but then I skipped the avocado...and actually that was the last meal I ate, since I had every intention of being in bed by now.

I don't know.

I got my laundry done, and I bought some Tulsi caffeine free organic fair trade tea.  Wheee!  I got the original that Amy gave me because I love it, and since they were on special, I also got a Red Chai Masala.  I looked at the ingredients, but couldn't see anything that would be a problem.  I'm really loving my tea these days.  It's totally a treat.

I had two cups of the Yerba Mate this morning-one chocolate and one mint (only because I got so little sleep and I had a presentation!  I promise myself I will not make that a habit).  But my god, they are yummy.

And tonight, I'm on my second cup of Tulsi tea.  I couldn't pass up trying the Red Chai Masala, but yet, I still wanted a cup of the original.

So.  Now I'm going to watch some True Blood and get my butt to bed.

I don't have to work until 1pm tomorrow...so, what's my plan?  Sleep until I'm not tired?  Somehow I don't think that would be the best idea.

Here's my plan: Go to bed at 10pm.
Get up at 7am.  Go for a run.  Come back, use my Gymboss to do a series of lunges, squats, and some pushups and abwork, maybe some arms.  Eat breakfast at 8am.  Carry on with my day from there.

Goodnight!

Week Five, Day Two...Surviving My Birthday!!!

Ha, I didn't need any help surviving my birthday, but I gotta make this a quick blog because it's already 11pm, and I truly, truly need to be up at 6am and out the door.

In short, it was freakin' awesome.

I woke up...late.  Alarm went off for an hour while I hit snooze.  I finally went for a run around 9:15am.  Gah.  It was nice.  I decided to do 3 min run, one or two minute rest the whole time.  Probably ran/walked for 40 minutes.

I got back and told my landlord about the kitty situation.  It was very discouraging.  He told me I would have to move out and pay a $150 reassignment fee.  Then he told me how he *had to* sue some tenants because they kept 2 cats in a basement for 2 weeks and they destroyed the subfloor with urine.  Total costs:  $4000.  Yeah, he was definitely telling me that I could be facing consequences I can't handle.

Whatever.  I tried to make it to my kitty appointment on time-first vet visit!  But, I listened to my landlord talk for too long and ended up having to reschedule.  Then I started having serious doubts about keeping this kitten. I hope it will all work out, but I need a new apartment ASAP that is relatively low-cost.  I'm not having a whole lot of luck.  AND I have to hope that someone will want MY place, or else I have to pay the rent on that too.

Anyway, I REALLY SCREWED UP MY MEALS TODAY.

Ugh.

I ate my breakfast at 10:35am.  3:35 hours later than I was supposed to.  Then, I had coffee with my dear friend Paula at 12:30-1:30, as she's leaving the country for good soon. :(

She surprised me with a GYMBOSS!  I am so thrilled!  I can start doing BodyRock workouts now! Not to mention, it is exactly the same as hers, so every time I use it, I will think of her.  This was such an awesome surprise and gift!

Then, I made plans with another dear friend for a celebratory cupcake...which was awesome.  Nice for catching up and she was the perfect person to indulge with.  She reminded me to ENJOY the cupcake.  Do not start thinking about how to burn it off.  This is the moment to enjoy.  It's amazing that two of my favorite people just dropped whatever they were doing to spend an hour with me at the drop of a hat today.  I'm thrilled and feel totally loved. :)

And, Amy was there every step of the way to tell me how to manage this special occasion.  I wasn't able to totally follow the guidelines, but just having her support was huge.  And she's on vacation!!!  I felt totally supported, and therefore able to indulge sensibly. 

Then, I managed to run home in time for a shower.  I quickly cooked my second meal and put together a third for my 4-9:30 work schedule. 

I also made time to run to Wegman's to buy Bragg's organic apple cider vinegar with the mother, because Amy told me it would be helpful to take a shot of it before I go to bed, and she'll explain how it helps when she's not on vacation because it's complicated.

When I got to work, it turned out that my class full of volunteers-in-training got together and decided to bring healthy food to class in celebration of my birthday!  So I had my third meal of vegetables and hummus (not sure if the hummus was "clean", strawberries and a fruit dip (?) spread (?) that was TOTALLY off my diet, which had mascarpone cheese, honey, and vanilla extract...but I swear to god that combination was BETTER than my cupcake!  I also had some grapes. 

I probably shouldn't have done that, but I didn't have very much, and I also don't feel deprived on my birthday, so I can move on to tomorrow and get back on track.

Finally, when class was over at 9pm, I came upstairs, and what was waiting for me but this:

One of my coworkers went out and bought me all these cat supplies because I had been talking earlier about how I wasn't sure it was the most responsible thing for me to keep her, even though I love her and she has really been great for my mental health.  I talked about the kitten stage being expensive for food and such.

What an awesome bunch of people I have in my life.

I am truly grateful.  Tonight just caps off a series of events that have been so helpful in the past few weeks.  I feel truly truly blessed to have so many great people in my life.

So.  Tomorrow, I am back on, 100%.  I must get to the gym by 6:15am.  Do bear runs on treadmill.  Come home by 7am.  Eat.  Shower.  Prep food.  Be at site for presentation by 8:15am.  8:30am at the latest.  Remember to eat my meals in a timely fashion.

Do strength-training of some kind AFTER work.  Really make this indulgence day count.

Good night all!

Week Five, Day One! Re-inspired!!!

 

So.  There's my pics.  I have to say, I'm pretty proud of the progress!

I also must say...quickly since it is 11pm and I was supposed to be in bed an hour ago...that all day long yesterday, and towards the evening tonight, I was having a really hard time staying on track.  I kept having this nagging thought that "I've hit a plateau.  Something has to change.  If I don't do something different, I'm going to do all this work and nothing is going to change."  I know exactly why I was discouraged, and it's exactly what Amy and other people told me:  "DO NOT WEIGH YOURSELF EVERY DAY."  DON'T DO IT.

DO YOU HEAR ME?  DO NOT WEIGH YOURSELF EVERYDAY WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT BY BUILDING LEAN MUSCLE!  IT TELLS YOU NOTHING.

I've been hovering around 140-141 ever since the first week I started this, and I keep wanting to be UNDER 140...especially for my birthday which is tomorrow, because then I will *feel* like I am making progress.

Well fuck that!  DID YOU SEE MY BACK PICTURES??? HELLO!  I'M MAKING PROGRESS AND I DON'T NEED NUMBERS ON A SCALE TO TELL ME THAT!

WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  I am so happy with these pictures, and it just tells me to keep doing my best every. single. day.

And here I was today, all feeling sorry for myself, wanting to go back to the ways I had been eating (the urge has been really strong lately), and then I see these pictures, and I'm like...NO WAY HAVE I HIT A PLATEAU.

Even my MEASUREMENTS are the same for the past three weeks, so I didn't even bother to put them up here.  Clearly I wasn't able to measure where I was losing the fat.  I am so excited about this.

I do have to say, I've hit almost a month of "eating clean" and eating 4 or 5 meals every day (it's really difficult for me to get 5 meals in, but by gawd, I will do my very very best to keep trying!), and I think my brain patterns are kicking in and saying, "Hey!  HEY!  HELLOOOOO!  Remember us?  We like Panera, and bread, and cheeseburgers, and ice cream, and WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU GIVING US SOME???" 

So, the last couple of days have really been a matter of convincing myself that there are bigger reasons than the ones I could come up with in the craving to NOT eat the tempting food.  All I could think at the time was, "I don't KNOW why you can't have the blueberry muffin!  I just know you CAN'T!"  I had some pretty powerful cravings.  When they were over, I'd remember that I couldn't have the blueberry muffin because I am trying to adopt a whole new pattern of eating habits.  And they don't include succumbing to every delicious thing in sight.

I'm not there yet, but I am definitely making progress.

I couldn't blog for the past couple of days because I took my kitty down to visit my friend Linsey for the night, and didn't get back until late the next night.  But I'm back on, baby!

Now.  To bed.

Oh, and read this:

...if you want to learn more about how to eat in a way that won't kill you.  Because our "American way" of burgers and hot dogs and big-breasted chicken is killing us, not just making us fat.

Amy gave it to me so I could better understand healthy eating habits.  Also, she passed onto me some Yerba Mate Chocolate tea, and some Yerba Mate Mint tea, and some Numi tea, and some Tulsi tea, that are all DELICIOUS, some of them have a little caffeine in them that I can drink in the morning (thank you sweet baby jesus!), and some are just for relaxing at night.

Of course I stocked up on the chocolate and the mint for now.  Wegman's sells them.

Ok, NOW I'm going to bed.
Plan for tomorrow...get up at 6:00am?  Yeah, no.  It's 11:18.  I'll get up at 7/7:30am, do my bear runs, and then eat by 8/8:30.  I have Little Miss Maybelle's first vet visit tomorrow, and then I work (on my birthday!) from 4-9:30, so it will have to be ok that I get a slightly later start on the day.

Oh, and I've been SUPER hungry when I only eat 4 meals.  Tonight, I was so hungry after my last meal that I couldn't even help myself from eating 2 tablespoons of peanut butter.  And, I figured, if I wanted it that badly, it can't be TOO terrible...only thing was, it was with my last meal.  So, had I eaten more earlier in the day, I wouldn't have felt that way.

Ok.  Goodnight.  Enjoy the pics.

Week Four, Day Five. Getting to the Bottom of Attempted Self-Sabotage.

I've reached this point many times in my weight-loss/fitness attempts.  I make some gains, it seems like things are going good, and then I..."forget" I had a goal, or I start going back to my own habits.  I didn't recognize that for what it was, until now.  Self-sabotage.  And I'm finally seeing the crossroads I'm at.  I have a choice.  I can choose to fail.  I can also choose to succeed. 

I've never seen it as a CHOICE before.  This blog is an attempt to work through the self-sabotage I've been feeling for the past couple of days.


I've been struggling yesterday and today with cravings for coffee, desserts, or anything other than what I'm eating.  Part of it was because I thought about how awesome it would be to take a bite of a 5 Guys burger and fries.  I imagined the taste of vanilla pudding (only because I have it in my fridge), and I've considered-if only for a split second-eating one of the Tag-a-Long Girl Scout Cookies.  The thought also was accompanied by the promise to "forget" that I did it.  I can't quite explain this, but it was like, "Just eat it, and it won't matter."
(For the record, I did not eat it.)

But I had another interesting, nagging thought today that really shed light on why, all of a sudden, did these cravings start?  The taste of a cup of coffee is sounding so heavenly right now, but I'm finding it's not because I haven't been able to eat those things.  It's self-sabotage.

The nagging thought that I had was this: "Am I betraying all women (or maybe just myself) if I actually reach this goal?  What about all the women who ARE overweight?  If you lose this weight, are you making it ok for this society to value skinnier women over heavier women?  Are you participating in "fat hatred"?

Am I making other women less valuable by achieving this goal of getting fit and seeing my belly muscles?

I was essentially saying, "I must be a fat woman in order for fat women to be loved and seen as beautiful."  Which was a direct relative to "If I meet my goal, I am hurting all of womenkind.  I am bad."  Also related, "Am I a non-progressive "fat hater"?"  But, I WANT to be progressive.  Can I be progressive AND fit?  Is that allowed?

Or maybe I was saying, "I don't deserve to achieve this goal for myself." And the idea that other women would be less valued (which doesn't even make sense) was just the hook to hang that thought on.

I remember being told about the Fantasy of Being Thin, and it didn't really resonate with me.  The person who introduced it to me did it a few times, and I finally got why they kept bringing it up.  They thought I was thinking that being thin would change my life into something that it's not.  I don't necessarily believe that.  I just want to be able to wear clothes without having lumps in them.  That's not true.  I want to ROCK A STRAPLESS DRESS!  I want to ROCK A BACKLESS SHIRT!  I want to WEAR A BIKINI!  I'M ONLY 30/31 YEARS OLD!  I don't know why I let that person's belief system override my own.  At least now I can recognize it.  My belief system is different.  I believe that I would look great with abs.  I believe it's worth changing my diet and exercise routine.  I believe that I SHOULDN'T have to settle for looking lumpy in clothes, even if OTHER PEOPLE think they do.

Even if people will say I'm not a feminist for saying that.  Because I'm sure there are people who will.  I can't actually know that, so I'm going to stop stating it as fact and waiting for it to happen.  People who would say that aren't in my life anyway.  What's that saying? "People who matter don't care, and people who care don't matter."

Phew!  I've been carrying that around for years.

Although I do imagine that I might feel confident enough to attempt dating again once I feel like I reached a place where I can be proud to wear whatever.  I know that's a problem.  It says, "I'm not good enough to be found lovable by men as I am right now."  Intellectually, I know that's not true.  I should do Byron Katie's "The Work" on that thought.

"I'm not good enough to be found lovable by men as I am right now."

1)Can you know that that's true?  No.
2)Who would you be if you were not capable of thinking that thought?  I would be more confident, happy, carefree, outgoing.  I would risk flirting with more men.  I would be more fun.
3)Can you think of a stress-free reason to keep that thought?  No.
4)Can you think of a reason to drop that thought?  Yes.  It's the thought that is dictating my reservations, my lack of confidence.  Not reality.
5)Turn it around.  I AM good enough to be found lovable by men as I am right now.  In fact men do find me lovable.  I just refuse to see it because of that thought.

But, that doesn't make the connection between "fat women are the reason I should sabotage this goal" and "Right now I'm not lovable by men".  Maybe the connection is confidence...or a lack of it.  Or fear of what will happen to my relationships when I do reach this goal.  I suppose I am afraid.  Will women treat me differently?  (Because I am totally putting age-inappropriate pictures of my abs on Facebook!  And I'm afraid people will roll their eyes at me...in the privacy of their own homes, in front of their own computer screens, and I will never even know it...it's just a story I've been telling myself.)  But I'm gonna do it anyway.  I've been working hard for these abs to show up!  But..will women be happy for me and support me?

I'm worried they won't.  But then again, I was worried that they wouldn't be supportive of this goal in the first place, and, across the board, they were.  So I should probably relax and know that the imaginary fat women out in the world will not be valued less because I have a goal I'm working toward, and the women in my life will be supportive and happy for me.  I really get scared by the idea that women will reject me.  Because I have definitely been rejected by women before.  And I feel like appearance can be such a central piece of women's lives that it's very touchy for me.  In fact, I distinctly remember someone who was saying I was pretty or something get interrupted by a woman in my life who said, "Don't tell her that.  It'll go right to her head."

Well.  I guess it did. 

And now I can recognize that for what it was:  Her problem.  Not mine.

And, come to think of it, if a woman in my life ever DID act in any way other than supportive of my goals, no matter WHAT they are, I would remove her from my life.  For some reason, I've felt like I've deserved scrutiny or ridicule for my diet/exercise aspirations.  I know why, too, now that I think of it.  As a teenager, one person would constantly comment on my fat and then ridicule my attempts to lose weight.  Another person would tell me I was running wrong, had bad form (I didn't.  It was just a way to put me down.)...still another person, who didn't approve of my "high-protein, low-carb" diet, told me, with contempt, "You know, that's what they feed veal calves."  (Really?  They feed veal calves boiled chicken?)

But all of that was in the past, and it's not happening anymore because those people are not in my life.  So I can step out of those fears and into the present.  Plenty of people are asking me every day how things are going.  Plenty of people are excited for me and asking me what I'm doing, how do I feel, what's next?  Plenty of people want to follow the same plan, and are not only excited for me, but excited for what it means for them.  Kind of, "If she can do it, I can do it!", which is FABULOUS, and exactly the outcome I'm looking for.  I want to dispell the myth for myself and anyone who knows me that weight loss is impossible.  It's not.  I hope that this process of working through these thoughts and fears is tearing down my urges to fail on purpose (I do that a lot!), or self-sabotage, and rock on with this mission!

And maybe I'm afraid that I'll lose my excuse of, "He'd never find me attractive, so I'm going to make sure he doesn't think I'm flirting with him."  Which is actually a kind way of saying, "I'm not good enough for that guy."  Which, AWAY from the situation, I don't think that way.  But in the presence of an attractive guy, I feel that way.  One, because people tend to date within their "league" (and I don't know what "league" I'm in) and Two, because I have flirted with guys that I thought were very attractive and got rejected.  Or, at least got close enough to rejection to guess I needed to back off.  I suppose I still won't know when it's safe to flirt without getting rejected.

I guess the common denominator is that if when I achieve my goals...maybe 15% body fat?  Maybe that's too lofty.  I want to see my belly muscles, see my back muscles, and be proud of my body in a bikini.  I want to be very fit.

But I'm afraid that if I am very fit, people will reject me.  Women will reject me for not being fat (that is crazy, and I can't believe I think that).  Men will reject me because I will be flirting out of my league (I can't know that because I try to never flirt out of my league.  Maybe I should try it to find out if I would get rejected.  Eh.  Definitely not anytime soon.)  The opposite is probably true.  If I get rejected, it wouldn't be because of my weight. So, reaching my goal would probably have little or nothing to do with being rejected.  Just a story I've been telling myself.

But, these unexamined thoughts have been trying to make me quit this process.  I'm so glad that I took the time to figure out why I was having those self-sabotaging thoughts.

Here was my day:

8:00am, Up, feed kitty, feed self (eggs, oatmeal, blueberries, banana-yum I love breakfast)
9:00am, Work
11:00am, eat Meal #2 (protein shake, nuts, apple)
3:00pm, eat Meal #3 (chicken, salad, yam, rice cake, peanut butter.  Ate 2T pb today because I forgot my rice cake yesterday!)
4:00pm, had green tea...oops.  That was my "will die if I don't get to drink this right now!" moment. 
5:00pm, go home, see kitty, get changed, try to run...stopped by rain.  Try to do an interval workout inside.  Get frustrated with lack of direction, decide to try bear runs again, and SUCCESS!  Not raining anymore.  13 bear runs at 6:30pm.
7:30pm eat Meal #4 (cod, asparagus, broccoli)
8:00pm, watch Dexter, drink tea
10:00pm, start writing blog
12:00pm finish blog, wash face, go to bed.


I'm not sure how to handle tomorrow.  I want to go to Kerry's class, but I guess I have to get up at 7am to eat first.  Yeah.

So, here's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to make my VERY BEST ATTEMPT to eat on time tomorrow.  I will be working at Green Bowl from 5-10pm, so that will mean getting my last meal in at 6:30pm.

Ok.  Goodnight.

Week Four, Day Four! On a Roll!

I had a pretty good day today.  I slept SO WELL because Little Miss Maybelle was locked in the bathroom all night and couldn't do Kitty Olympics on me.

However, I did wake up at 5:30am and have to go to the bathroom, and I just couldn't justify leaving her locked in there.  So I tried to get more sleep from 5:30am to 7am by covering my head with my sheet so she wouldn't try to claw my eyelashes again.  She just sat on my head and cried.  Then she wriggled her way under the covers and snuggled with me. 

I decided to sleep until 7:30am, thinking, "I should wait to eat until after I work out, and I probably didn't fall asleep until 11pm last night anyway, so, this should be fine."  I don't know if that's true, but it certainly did sound good at the time!  I'll have to ask Amy.

I got up and weighed myself.  Back to 140.8lbs.  It fluctuated down to 140.0lbs, and I thought this was the end of the 140's.  It will be soon, but not yet, I guess.  Although I would love to see the scale move, these numbers don't surprise or concern me.  I think it's really interesting that my body is changing (I'm beginning to see the outline of outer abs-you know the lines down the sides of your abs), and yet my weight is not.  No wonder people say not to weigh yourself too often.  I'm weighing myself every day anyway just for the sheer sake of watching how the numbers behave...to deepen my understanding of how trimming up really works.

I finally got around and met Paula for our run at 8am.  It was just an easy recovery-esque run for us both.  She has shin splints and I wanted to get my heart rate up without triggering my quads to cramp.  We may have run/walked for a half-hour.  I wasn't all that concerned.  Although, now that I think of it, when we got back, we were both dripping sweat.

I came home, ate breakfast, showered, and while I was getting my food ready for the day, I got to talk to Amy.  She was so happy to tell me that my time for a cheat meal was just around the corner!!!  She said eat clean for two more weeks, and then...GET THIS:  I get a cheat lunch, AND a cheat dinner, with possibly a cheat dessert!  She told me these are the guidelines:  1)Eat a meal high in carbs and high in fat.  (No problem, lady! 2)Eat until you are satisfied, not past that. (This one is harder.  It will take some serious restraint to let go of that high fat, high carb food.  I'm guessing that's why you get a cheat lunch, a cheat dinner, and a cheat dessert...you don't feel like you have to cram it all into one meal.  You can retrain yourself to eat the way you're engineered to eat.)

So, my job is to plan a day after these two weeks that indulging will fit in.  Amy specifically said something to the effect of "I want you to INDULGE.  I want you to really enjoy this."  And she said that my body will say "Thank you thank you thank you!"

So, for the rest of the day, my thoughts kept drifting to all the serious bad food I might eat.  Arts Fest Food?  Five Guys-a burger and fries with *GASP* KETCHUP???  The pudding that's been in my fridge?  Ice cream from Penn State?  A big fat sub?  WITH MAYO!

All of a sudden it felt hard again to stay on my plan.  I wanted the bad food NOW!  But only because I was thinking about it, and letting myself get trapped into the thoughts of scarcity and deprivation.  I had to remind myself that this diet isn't torture, it's a choice, and it actually makes me feel really good.  And I'm seeing results.  And it's changing the wiring in my brain.  So, yeah, sometime in the future, I'll get to indulge.  But for now, I'm just going to have to put my vision back in focus.

What is it I want to accomplish?  Oh, that's right.  See my belly muscles before I die.  How close am I?  Oh, just closer than I've ever been my whole life.  So...can I focus and eat clean and workout like usual?  Absolutely.

Unfortunately today, it was STILL so hard to get my meals on time.  I ate at 9am, 1:30pm, 5:00pm, and 8pm.  It was hard to eat around work.  And for dinner, I decided to have fish and broccoli and cauliflower and green beans (I forgot my asparagus!), but I had twice as much broc/cauliflower as normal, trying to follow the three mouthfuls more food.  I don't know if vegetables really count for the 3 mouthfuls more food, but I couldn't think of what else to improvise with.  Although...I did have turkey with me.

Anyway, now it's 11:30pm and I'm HUNGRY.  I'm also tired.  So I'm going to go to bed with the aspirations of getting up and doing bear runs before work tomorrow, because my body responds really well to working out in the am before I eat.

We'll see how this goes. 

Week Four, Day Three. Week Four is Awesome!

Hosted by a suddenly sleepy Miss Maybelle.

This happened when I snapped her picture.  She was wide awake, and then ZONK.  Out.

I'm loving Week Four.  I'm starting to get this rhythm down.  I finally know that my body responds really well to exercise immediately in the morning, before I eat.  I'm also finding that it's really difficult for me to eat 5 meals per day.

Today, my kitten screwed with my sleep...AGAIN.  This morning, she took a fancy to my eyelashes WHILE I WAS SLEEPING, and clawed my eyelid.  Oooooh, I was not happy!  I'm wondering if I will trap her in the bathroom tonight.  I really don't want to, just because she's so funny and I will have to wait until morning to see her, snuggle with her, play with her again.  However, if she pees on my bed again, it's nobody's fault but my own.  So...I don't know what I'll do.  It would be good to get uninterrupted sleep since I need to be up by 6/6:30am.

Anyway, this morning, I simply got up, showered, ate, packed my lunch, pottied the kitten, and went to work.  I managed to eat 4 meals today, starting at 9ish...Kitten woke me up again at 6am and I didn't go to bed until 11:30pm or so (I TRIED!  I just kept avoiding it with Facebook or texting or SOMETHING-maybe I just wasn't ready).  So, I went back to sleep until about 8:15am.  This wasn't the best idea, but at least it got me through my Amy Powell class later.

So, I ate my next two meals a little over three hours apart.  Then I went to the gym and took an Amy Powell class.  Man, it was a challenge.  It kind of triggered my little muscle cramp that I had in my quad a little bit.  I had to be careful about it.  I found myself off-balance and having a hard time.  Then again, the class is SUPPOSED to be hard.  That's why I go.

Oh, and because we do Plank Jacks.  What, you say you don't know what a Plank Jack is?  Let me show you.

Start here.

Then, with a little hop in your step (literally, hop both feet off the ground, in a bouncy kind of movement) while you draw left knee to right elbow.  Hold for a split second, bounce again as you put your left foot down, now bounce again as you draw right knee to left elbow.  Do these until you die.  At that point you should start doing reps on just one side, then the other.  Start with 8 reps on each side, then, 2 sets of 4 reps on each side, then 4 sets of 2 reps on each side.  Dead yet?  Those are plank jacks.  Jumping jacks in a plank.  Killer.

After class, I absolutely COULD NOT get home fast enough to see my kitty.  I worried that she hung herself on the shower curtain (if that's even possible), but really I just wanted to see how excited she gets when I come home.  I love this kitten.  And she's a nutty kitten.  Possibly narcoleptic.

Anyway, I ate my 4th and final meal, drank a cup of Herbal Unwind tea, watched an episode of Dexter, did my dishes, cleaned up SOME of my living mess, drank another cup of tea, played with kitty, and now, here I am.

I have to say, yesterday I noticed a huge change in my physique, and today, the trend is continuing.  If I can keep it up with the sleep, clean eating, regular meals, and early morning exercise, I will actually achieve my goal.  It's so amazing to see it happening.

I feel like I've been told a very coveted secret!  How to get and stay skinny.  Aren't there entire magazines devoted to this?  If I've learned ANYTHING, it's that diet matters the most, and little things count.  It counts WHEN you exercise, HOW you exercise, WHEN and HOW MUCH you sleep, WHEN and WHAT you eat, and finally, being motivated to say no to those urges of eating food that isn't on the clean list.

And now it's 10:36pm, so I must go to bed.  And what will I do with the kitten?

Week Four, Day TWO!

I had an AWESOME day today!

First of all, I weighed in at the lowest weight I've had so far!  That was very exciting after a disappointing Week Two and Week Three.

It also came off the tail of a weekend where I still "ate clean" but I didn't eat when I was supposed to and got my body all out of whack.

It is also an awesome day because I am in LOVE with this kitten.  I've decided to move in order to keep it.  I have absolutely no clue how I plan on doing that, but I will figure it out.

Having this kitten has actually made it easier to stay on my plan.  It's amazing how much stress I feel in one day, and when I come home to Crazypants Miss Maybelle, I just can't help but be relieved of my stress!  She's helping me type right now. :)

Anyway, I am so impressed with myself that I made it to Week Four of some kind of eating plan, and although I haven't been perfect, that hasn't really been the point.  The point has been to build a habit, and I can feel that I am doing that.

Speaking of habits, my focus this week is sleep.  So.  It is 10:30pm. I must quit and go to bed.

FYI, I had a 42 minute jog this morning, and ate 4 clean meals.  We'll see what tomorrow looks like!

Week Four, DAY ONE!

I can hardly believe that I'm starting Week 4.

And, today is measurement day.  I have to say, I am not thrilled with weighing and measuring myself right now.  It would be easy to get discouraged if I chose to let myself.

I weigh 142.0lbs.  My measurements are exactly the same, give or take a quarter inch on my butt.

That being said, last week, I really could have done a lot better with the diet than I did, and I didn't work out 3 of the 7 days.

So, this week I'm starting anew.  Just like I do every day, but this time a little more focused and with a little more understanding.

This week my focus is on making sure I get enough sleep.  Well, to be more specific, it's about making sure I get to bed at 10pm everynight.  10:30 at the latest.

Last night I had to leave things undone in order to do that.  Tonight, I should have an easier time.  I'd like to be watching an episode of Dexter right now, but instead, I am making the choice to go to bed.  It will make a HUGE difference in my life if I go to bed early tonight.  It will NOT make a significant difference in my life if I don't watch Dexter.

Today was also my first, real, "OH-MY-GOD I-WANT-A-PUDDING-SNACK" moment.  It started at work...it may have been stress-related.  I've just been waiting it out.  I really thought I was going to cheat (by the way, I hate the word "cheat" when it comes to dieting.  People cheat on tests to get better grades.  When people cheat on diets, they don't get a shortcut to losing weight-so I have to call it something else).  I was really going to let my craving get the better of me.  I was imagining how delicious a pudding snack would be...

The thought ran through my head of "how bad can it possibly be?"  I thought about texting Amy to ask for help, with a thinly-veiled hope that she would say, "If your body really wants it, you should have it!"  Then I realized that I was putting the responsibility of the success of my weight loss on her shoulders.

So I decided that I COULDN'T cheat, because Amy would be disappointed in me.

Then I realized that this will never work if I'm worried about Amy being the one to hold me accountable, or if her disappointment is more important than my own.

I remembered that this is a lifestyle, and there will be bumps in the road.  Every time I give in to a craving, I am reinforcing the wiring in my brain that wants me to eat high-calorie, low nutrient food.  Every time I replace it with something that actually nourishes my body, I'm doing myself a HUGE favor.

So, today was a pretty good day.  I got up late (6:30am...and dragged myself out of bed at that).  I didn't get to run right away, because I had to feed the kitten and catch it pooping on something I own.

Finally, at 7am, I went out for my bear runs.  I warmed up for about six minutes, and took off for my first 30 second interval...and my right quad seized up.  This was not a good feeling.  My left quad did something similar, but to less of an extent.  I had no idea why that would happen.  I thought maybe I was dehydrated...I didn't drink as much water as I should have yesterday.

So, of course I keep plowing through them, although I simply couldn't run as fast as I normally do.  If I tried, my muscle would get so tight it would feel like a stabbing pain.  So, I did 10 less intense bear runs out, then did a slow jog back to try and get my quads loosened up.  The damage was done, unfortunately.

Amy told me to rest for a couple of days and rub lots of something called arnica gel on it.  I wanted to go to the Kerry class tonight, but after speaking with Amy decided that it's really not going to help me in the long run, and right now what my body needs is rest.

The rest of the day was a little bit off, but not a huge adjustment from what I did yesterday.  I didn't get to actually EAT my breakfast until 8:45am.  And can I tell you how frustrating it is that it takes me so long to eat my meals or get ANYTHING DONE?!?!?  Meal #2 was at 12pm...but punctuated with telling co-workers about the kitty, Meal #3 was 3:45pm (later than it should have been) and Meal #4 was at 6:30pm.  I only had 4 meals today.  Because I got started late, and I knew I wanted to go to bed early.  It's probably a bad idea.  In fact, I've blogged about it being a bad idea, but I just don't know what else to do. 

I could have asked Amy, and should have, I'm sure, but I've asked her that question enough times...so I tried to follow the advice she gave me yesterday-eat 3 extra mouthfuls per meal...just for my last meal, because I completely intended to eat all 5 meals until I came home and realized how exhausted I was.

Well.  We'll see how tomorrow goes.  I may or may not run in the am, depending on how my leg feels.  I'm just excited to wake up rested and possibly write down my dreams!  Whee!
So...I finally got my laundry done, watched an episode of Dexter and played with kitty.  Who loves to help me type.

I've been staving off this craving for something sugary since 4pm, so I hope that by going to bed, it will fix itself.

Here's to another solid day!

Week Three, Day Seven!

Wow, I can't believe I'm in this three weeks deep already!  So much to say for today.

First, tomorrow is measurement/picture day and I'm so excited.

Secondly, I am so glad I asked Amy for help.  I keep finding myself thinking/saying that.  She texted me today to catch up-I actually hadn't texted her for awhile because I knew she was going out of town and didn't want to bother her. 

Anyway, she asked me how things were going, and I wanted to lie...oh did I want to lie.  I didn't want to tell her I stayed up until 2am because I found a kitten.  I didn't want to tell her that I totally threw my whole eating plan off because I was so excited about this kitten.

But I did.  Well, I told her that I stayed up way too late the night before and got up way too late on Sat, and that again, I got up late this morning...and now felt like going back to bed after breakfast.

She was awesome.  For some reason, I felt like I deserved to be berated for knowingly disregarding the plan.  I knew she wouldn't do that, but was afraid she'd be disappointed (again...they call this codependency, I'm working on it), and what's more, what I'm learning is that anytime I am "worried" someone is going to be "fill-in-the-blank" with me, it's really that I am/will be disappointed in myself.  And, that's true.  I was disappointed in myself that I couldn't maintain my eating plan while falling in love with this kitten.  Because it matters if you are consistent or not.  Onto Amy's awesomeness.  She asked me about what I had been doing exercise-wise to make sure I hadn't been overtraining.  I'm probably closer to UNDERtraining, but, still.  Then she told me that it may be that my body is starting to get used to a rhythm, and then that rhythm gets disrupted (eat at 7:30am and 10am every morning for a week, then sleep in til 8, and don't eat until 10, and things are bound to go a little haywire).  She told me to strive for a regular bedtime, and I am happy to oblige.

I'm finding that I think I could really do this long-term.  I love this plan.  It's concrete enough for me to follow without getting lost in the details, and I always have Amy for guidance...which I am finding I need.  I definitely don't have all the answers.

Today was my day to prepare for the week and set myself up for success.  I was able to do almost all of that.  I spent $150 on groceries.  YEOWCH.  I spent $100 at Giant getting things like avocados, stuff for my salad, frozen veggies, eggs, fish, blueberries, apples, asparagus, cashews (bought enough for like 3 weeks).  Then I spent $50 at Wegman's.  I bought a Honey Brine Turkey Breast, which Amy recommended, and I cooked it right away and it smelled AMAZING!  Next time I will have to slow roast it, because this time the meat was really hard to get off the bone.  I bought 6 organic chicken breasts (may last two weeks), 2 pounds of 99% fat ground turkey, and Twinings Herbal Unwind, which is African Honeybush with mandarin and orange flavors.  Yum.  I'm having a cup right now.

Also, I've got a picture of my weight chart so far.  I think it's pretty interesting:

I've been tracking my weight all along, at first expecting to see major changes, but now I'm just really curious about how weight loss looks.  I know that I will be successful because I have a plan I can stay on with the support that I need, so I am free to observe what weight loss looks like on a daily basis.

I also decided to observe my body fat percentage.  I don't particularly trust the scale.  I don't think it's very accurate, just because...how can it be?  Nonetheless, I want to chart it just to see where it fluctuates, and basically just learn about it.

Well.  Tomorrow is measurement day and I must go to bed.  So.  Hopefully when I'm dreaming I'll figure out a plan to pick up some shifts at Green Bowl while keeping up with my plan.

I forgot to mention that I did really well with my plan (after telling Amy I didn't eat breakfast until 10am), until my last meal.  I took the kitten to Macy's to show the girls, fully intending on being back by 6:30pm (I left at 5:45pm or so, but so many people thought she was so beautiful and wanted to hold her that I just didn't pay any attention to the fact that I really needed to get home.

Anyway.  Today is done.  Tomorrow is a brand new opportunity.
Goodnight!

Week Three, Day Six! Can you believe it???

So, I can't say that I followed my diet very well today.  I mean, I didn't do terribly, but I feel like today was a wash.

Here's how it went:

I woke up several times in the night (after going to bed at 2am) to check and see if the kitten was still alive.  She slept like this from 2am until I got up at 8am:

Week Three, Day Five!

I am the cat whisperer.

Tonight, after I ate my last meal, I went for a walk because I was afraid I would fall asleep right after I ate, and I know that's a bad thing.

So I took my phone, which has exactly 4 songs downloaded onto it (Adele's Rollin' in the Deep, Cee-Lo's Fuck You, Lupe Fiasco's The Show Goes On, and Avril Lavigne's What the Hell), and was singing my little heart out for the cows.

I listened to all four songs and turned around to walk back when I heard what sounded like a kitten in distress.  I didn't get excited because I hear this sound all of the time, and I am forever disappointed because it is always a bird that sounds like a cat. 

Except tonight was something different.  I made noises back to it, and it made noises back to me.  I couldn't help but drag myself across the field to get a closer look.  Long story short, I eventually found the cat.  It was huge and puffy and in a tree.  It was getting dark so I was really wanted to help this cat and get on with life.  So I ducked under a tree branch, I'm using my cell phone as a light, and FINALLY reached the spot where this cat was at, and reached up to help the distressed thing, and, you called it, the cat darted from the tree and was fine.

UGH!  Disappointed that I wasn't actually helping the cat, I turned around and left.  Except that the forlorn calls of this kitten started up again, so I returned to see what exactly I could do for the kitten.  I just couldn't bear to leave it alone.

Of course, it wouldn't let me catch it, so I tried to leave again.  For almost 3 hours, this went on.  I would try to leave, but the desperate cries of this poor kitten would pull me back.

I firmly believe in my ability to communicate with cats...hahaha, well, I kinda believe I can manage to catch a kitten, so that's why I stayed.  I meowed at this cat in a hedgerow in a field for 3 hours.  I used my cell phone light to attract it.  It worked, but when it came close, I couldn't bear to break it's trust by pouncing on it, so I let it check me out and run away.

Then, an hour later, it came back out of the trees/bushes, and even paused by my leg.  Again, it didn't seem like it would be successful, and I kind of figured I had one shot at this.  Then it occurred to me that I had my earbuds with me, and what kitten can resist swinging earbuds???

This was getting serious.  I couldn't leave the kitten because I was sure it would die if I did, and I just couldn't stand myself if I walked away.  Yet, I had been getting eaten alive by bugs, and had been sitting/kneeling in a muddy field since 8:30pm.  Something's gotta give.

The earbuds did the trick!  And the kitten was so tiny, all skin and bones.  It hardly resisted when I picked it up, which I would chalk up to sheer exhaustion.  I held it by it's scruff (for my safety and I hear it's calming for kittens), and grabbed the bottom of my shirt to make a sling for it, and the poor thing fell asleep while I was walking home.

I was honest to god thinking, "Please do not tell me this cat just died."  I really wouldn't have been too surprised.

So, now I have a 5 or 6 week old abandoned kitten that is all skin and bones and no idea what to do with it. And I can't keep it, I'm not allowed to have animals, nor do I have the money to provide for it.  I will probably take it to the ASPCA, but somehow I doubt they have huge openings for abandoned kittens.

I fed it some fish and gave it some water, but had no idea how much to feed it, or how fast.

While it was sitting on my lap, it peed all over me.  That was our first bonding moment, I suppose.

Anyway, I gotta go to bed.

For the RELEVANT part of my blog, I had a great day today.  I got up and did my bear-run at 6am, and it was gorgeous out.  I managed to eat almost clean when I attended a conference today, and I didn't take a nap.I also finally connected the dots on my 3 weeks of weight loss.  I'll have to take a picture and post it soon!  Lots of fluctuation.

Now it's time for me to FINALLY go to bed.

Week Three, Day Four. I'm pooped and hungry.

Short post today.  I hope.

I had an awesome day.  I followed my plan very closely after talking with Amy about what the basic rules and benefits are.  I can't believe how fast the days go by if I just let them.  Tonight, when I was talking to a coworker, it occurred to me that tomorrow is Friday, and I get to measure again in just a few short days.  Feels like I just did it!  So if I just let the days fly by, and let the cravings fly by, all will be well.

Speaking of cravings, today, I had a rough time of it.  I was SO hungry today for lunch...because I timed my drive to work poorly, and then things got in the way of when I was supposed to eat, so I probably ate 1/2 hour to an hour late for lunch.  But, what do I see when I go down into the kitchen?  PILES AND PILES of deli sandwiches and potato chips.  Oh, and pasta salad.

Week Three, Day Three!!!

I just got back from the gym and ate my last meal after an incredibly invigorating conversation with Amy.  By the way, she's not taking new clients until some things settle down.  I am so lucky to have her!  She gave me the missing pieces I needed to build my bridge to my goal!  Now I just have to walk across it!

Week Three! Day TWO!

Bear-run intervals have me walking funny today.  And yes, that is what I'm going to call them from now until forever.

This is what I tried to visualize to motivate me to really run for my life:

Week Three! Day One!

 It's measurement day!  Here's how I feel:

Feeling pretty super!

Week Two, Days Six and Seven!

SUPER SHORT POST TONIGHT.

I fell a little bit out of my pattern this weekend, but that's ok. 

Here's the update:  Saturday was a PERFECT day for following my plan.  I ate my meals on time, I got up on time, I worked out early in the morning, and I didn't take a nap like I desperately wanted to.

Unfortunately, I stayed up too late Saturday night, and it kind of made my Sunday a little screwy.  Today was the first day I strayed from my plan, but I didn't stray too far.  I'm really proud of myself for eating better than I used to, even if I was straying from the plan.

The reason the post has to be so short tonight is because I have every intention of getting right back on track tomorrow morning, and the best way to do that is to get a good night's sleep.

Tomorrow is weigh-in day, and I don't expect to see huge changes.  If anything, it might be in the positive direction...may have put back on a pound or something.

That's ok, it really feels like my body is settling in these lost 5 pounds.  We'll see if I'm on to something or just totally making it up.  This week I plan on being pretty serious about working out every day as well.

That's all folks.  Goodnight.

Week Two, Day Five!

I am so glad today is over.

I went to bed late last night, just because I stayed up wasting time.  I started browsing the internet for nothing and kept it up way too long.  As a result, I was tired at work, and had a really hard time getting to the gym.  On the upside, though, I DID get to the gym.

Two highlights of my day:

1.)  I bought chicken from the farmer's market for the very first time.  And now I am even more convinced I should go vegetarian.

2.)  I made it to the gym and tried the interval training I've been doing with Paula on the treadmill.  It kicked my ass.  Then, I managed to squeak out 4 sets of pushups (still can't go all the way to the floor without falling flat on my face), and quite a nice series of abwork, if I might say so myself!

Here's the deal.  My nutritionist friend (not the one who's doing my diet), reminded me that the meat you buy in stores is quite likely filled with hormones and, well, all kinds of stuff you don't want to actually consume.  She says that if she's going to eat meat, she knows where it comes from.  I thought, "That's a half-vegetarian lifestyle I can live with...I think."  So I made it my goal that the next time I needed chicken, I would buy it from our local farmer's market.

Week Two, Day Four

Today started out really well because I went to bed last night instead of watching an episode of Dexter.  Yay for good decision-making!

I got up at 7:15am and ate my ginormous breakfast.  Then I met Paula for our running date.  We were using the Gymboss (see beautiful picture--------->)...

http://www.gymboss.com/buy.php

...to run for 2 minutes then walk for 1 minute for the first mile.  For the second mile, the plan was to run for 3 minutes, walk for 1, but...uh, technical problem, we didn't set the timer.  This was all fine and good.  We got a long interval in that time. What was NOT so fine and good was that it was getting SO HOT OUT.  I was really feeling like the air was thick and hard to move through.

Week Two, Day Three

I'm trucking right along, it seems!

Today I had another weird day.  I had to be on the road by 7am for a training for work.  Which meant that I was up until 2am preparing my food.  I have NO IDEA why it took me that long, but it did.

And, SUCCESS!  I still ate my meals!  I didn't forget anything or let things get too warm to where I couldn't eat them, etc.  As a result of eating differently, I literally COULD NOT BELIEVE how alert I was on four hours of sleep and no coffee.  It really spoke volumes to the benefits of "clean eating".

Since my car no longer has air conditioning, I was sweating all the way to the training, and all the way back (3 hours, round trip).  As a result, I think I drank double my recommended water intake (90oz) for the day, and I'm still drinking.
 
It was such a beautiful day that I headed up to one of our local swimming places/free parks.  I'm definitely not heading to an ACTUAL POOL, where I would have to wear an ACTUAL BATHING SUIT.  No.  Shorts and tank top it was, and I was also boiling there, so I drank even more.  It was really nice to spend a couple of hours out of the house, just minding my own business. 

If I had any trouble eating my meals today (which I did, I boiled my chicken SO DRY I practically choke on it every time I eat it, and my vegetables in my salad did NOT keep well in the cooler), all of that went away when I saw the very cute, slim girls there in their bright pink bikinis and seriously tan bodies.

WEEK TWO! Day TWO!

Yesterday should have been Day 8, but I started blogging a day late.

Anyway, today was an interesting day.  I really have to TRY now to stay on my meals.  I'm getting bored with the food, but will meet with Amy soon to figure out how to substitute things and mix it up.  I just have to stay focused and stick to the plan.

Today, I had a weird day.  I woke up regretting how late I went to bed last night.  I fought sleep like a toddler.  I don't know why.  So, after about 2 hours of work today I decided to come home and take a 3 hour nap to catch up on the sleep I've been missing.  Not a big deal, on Tuesdays and Thursdays I teach a class that runs until 9pm, so I was planning on shaving time anyway.  I just had to make a decision between the gym and a nap.  Today I chose a nap, and I'm glad I did.  I will be getting up at 6am tomorrow to drive to Dubois for a training, and I just plain wasn't going to get enough sleep.  Plus, I've been either sick or overcome with allergies.

Stop making me defend my decision to take a nap!!!  :)

DAY SEVEN! It's Weigh-In Time!

This was so exciting:

Here are the stats:

on 5/31:                  on 6/6:
Weight:146.5-----> 140.8-----> -5.7lbs
Bust:     40"------->38.25"-----> -1.75 inches
L Arm  11"------->11"---------> 0 inches
R Arm 11.5"----->11.25"------> -.25 inches
Chest 33"---------> 32.5"------> -.5 inches
Waist 38"--------->35.5"-------> -2.5 inches
Hips 39"----------> 38.5"------> -.5 inches
Butt 40"----------->39.5"------> -.5 inches
L Thigh 23.5"-----> 23"--------> -.5 inches
R Thigh 23.5"-----> 23"--------> -.5 inches
                                                = -7 inches

I'LL TAKE IT!!!  YAY FOR WEEK ONE!

Now, to explain how my day went.
The first awesome thing was that I found out I lost about 5 pounds.  This is my daily breakdown:
146.5
145.6
142.6
142.4
142.6
140.8
140.6
140.8

You can imagine how excited I was to see 5 pounds off the scale for three days in a row!!!
I don't expect this next week to net another 5 pound weight loss.  I've seen The Biggest Loser too many times to expect that!

Next, I made my breakfast.  That has stayed the same, although Amy added 1/2 cup of blueberries to meal 2 and 4oz of yam to meal 3 (thanks to all that is holy!), and I could eat another salad for dinner, but I think if I eat two of those salads a day I will get sick of them super fast.  Maybe not, but I resist eating the second salad.  It's only 43 calories I'm NOT eating at the end of the day.  It really can't hurt my metabolism that much.

And, while making my breakfast, I had another breakthrough.  I made my oatmeal without it exploding in the microwave for THE FIRST TIME!  Let me tell you what an ugly sight it is with me, in the morning, VERY HUNGRY, trying to make eggs and oatmeal at the same time, only to find it just exploded ALL OVER THE MICROWAVE.  Not only do I have to start again, I also have to clean out the microwave.  While I am starving, and not awake, and not drinking coffee.  Grrrr.

But I figured it out today!

Anybody listening out there?  I put my oatmeal (not the quick oats, I could make that with my Keurig), regular oatmeal in a bowl roughly 5 times larger than necessary.  I microwave for one minute.  I take it out of the microwave.  Inspect.  Microwave for 30 seconds.  Perfect.  No mess.  Yay me!  Stress-free mornings are coming my way.

I ate ALL OF MY MEALS ON TIME!  Then I went to my Monday night Kerry class that I love so much.  It kicked ass.  All new moves, so that meant I was going slower, but sweat was pouring off of me just the same.  I can feel my upper body getting stronger, which is SO. VERY. EXCITING.  I am getting so much better at doing pushups and plank!

Did I say Kerry's class kicked my ass?  I found myself ducking her tonight.  Not that I HAVE to, if I wanted to not do the work, she would say, "Hey, it's your workout.  You get out what you put in.  Do what you want."  But, I just WANT TO BE THE BEST LITTLE YOGA/PILATES/STRANGE EXERCISES STUDENT EVER!  I think they call that codependency, and I'm working on it.

Anyway, she would have us doing 20 repetitions of something tough, and I'd peter out around 9, but then hear her voice turned to me and think, "Yikes!  Get that leg up there!  She can see you!"  Then I realized that I CAN do the very thing I was telling myself I couldn't do.  So much of exercise is mental.

Today, I could really see more definition in my arms.  :)  Wheeeeeeeeeee!

What also came with today was my first cravings for food other than what is on my list.  My first feelings of giving up came today.  When I got on the scale this morning and saw that my weight had not gone DOWN, but had stayed the same, I was immediately disappointed.  And discouraged.  And thought, "All that food I've been keeping track of and...oh is this even worth it?"  Then I took a step back from that moment and realized that in a week, I've lost 5 pounds.  At my weight, that's AWESOME, and it's probably not going to happen again.

I also felt discouragement when I got tired at work today.  I thought, "This isn't working.  Why do I bother?"  I really had to pull myself out of it!  I think it was more a function of being tired than anything.  Turns out, I needed this:

 

Kerry said something tonight that flipped my discouragement switch off.  While I was convincing myself I Just. Can't. Keep. Going!  She said, "This works if you put the effort into it!"  Something about her tone reminded me that I was giving up on myself.  Mainly, that I had stopped believing that this is working.  This is a familiar place.  I believe it's not working, so I put in half-assed effort, which produces half-assed results, then I get frustrated and "forget" I had a goal.  I wasn't doing the best work for myself.  I was letting myself get ripped off by not leaving it all on the studio floor. So for the rest of the class, I tried my best.  And, it gave me enough to reset and get ready to start over tomorrow.

And that's all I've got for you today, folks.  I'm tired and I'm going to bed.

Oh, one last thing.  I've been reading this book by Byron Katie called Loving What Is, and it basically breaks down the fact that when someone's behavior really bothers you, it usually has more to do with you than that person.  I was a skeptical reader at first, even halfway through the book.  Mainly because I am so convinced that if so-and-so would just do a, b, and c, then for God's sake this problem would be solved (!!!!), that I don't want to admit that perhaps the problem lies within me.  It's a nice little treat at the end of the night, because it's allowing my focus to stay on myself and my goals, and not worry about other people's problems.  I tend to do that whether they like it or not.  So, that's pretty freeing.

And now I'm going to go do exactly that. :)

DAY SIX! Wahooooooooooooooo!!!!

I can't believe that tomorrow I get to post my weight AND measure again!!!  I'm so excited to see what the measurements are.

I followed my plan today.  I also waited tables again and had to work around WORKING to get my meals done.

I was superproud of myself today because I made a different decision that I normally wouldn't have made.

Here's how it goes:

I was scheduled to work from 10am until business allows.  While at work, someone asked me to cover the Sunday night shift.  Since I'm BROKE, I said, "Sure, as long as I have enough time in between shifts to go the gym (and do my laundry), and go home and pick up my other two meals of the day."  A deal was struck.

I left at 1:30pm knowing that my next meal was scheduled at 2:30pm.  Somehow, even though the gym is LITERALLY .5 miles away from the restaurant, I get there, get my laundry in (laundromat nearby), and BAM!  It's 2:10pm.

My original plan:
1.  Put clothes in washer, do 22 minutes of abs/pushups, whatever.
2.  Put clothes in dryer, do 30 minutes of cardio.
3.  Take fast shower.
4.  Retrieve clothes.
5.  Eat meal at 2:30pm, at home.

Clearly not going to happen.  In the interest of being efficient and not being WEIRD, I decided I would just have to push my meal back.  What was I going to do?  LEAVE the gym, go to the restaurant I work at which has the one ingredient I need from home already perfectly portioned, eat my meal, and then go BACK to the gym???

Day FIVE! Surprised it has been that long already.

So today I woke up to a phenomenal number on the scale, but again, not revealing my new weight until Monday, when it's been a whole week, Biggest-Loser-Style.

I can't write too long tonight because I need to be up at 7:30am to eat my breakfast.

What I can say is that I went to bed too late last night, got crappy sleep, and then worked all day waiting tables from 11am-10pm.

The biggest news for today is that I am definitely not eating enough calories.  After my 3rd meal, I started to  feel woozy.  I was starting to only think about when my next meal was coming...which wasn't soon enough.  I decided to cheat and eat it at 4:30 instead of 5:30pm.  Even after that, my hunger was quelled for awhile (and I made sure to eat my avocado today), very shortly, it fired right back up again.  I started to feel really low energy.  It actually started to feel like one of those waitressing nightmares where you JUST. CAN'T. GET. ANYWHERE!  I had NO energy.  And I was losing my balance.  And I couldn't remember a goddamn thing.

Case in point:  A family came in, Mom, Dad, 3 year old, 1 year old.  I asked them what they'd like to drink and they specifically ordered a water in a kid's cup for the 3 year old.  When I returned to drop off their drinks, I realized that I didn't put the kid's drink in a kid's cup.  It was just in a regular glass.  And in that regular glass it sat, on my drink tray, which I was holding on my hand, while I was ooohing and aaaaahing over how damn cute this little one year old was.  I was so HUNGRY and feeling off-balance (or unable to regulate my balance well) that I didn't NOTICE that I was tipping my drink tray until the glass hit the tray and went directly into this one-year-old's face.

DAY FOUR. Nobody said this would be easy.

If I had a funny picture of myself today, it would be flopped on a couch. I am cooked.  I am done.

Today was the first day of following my new *official* diet plan.  It got harder as the day wore on.  Mainly because I got hungrier as the day went on.  And with the hunger came a feeling of hopelessness.  Not sure why.  When I was a freshman in college and lost weight (I got down to 111 pounds! I was thrilled!)  Feeling hungry did not give me anxiety.  Now it does.

Anyway.  Here's the rundown.

Breakfast was supereasy to make, and supereasy to enjoy.  Egg whites, banana, and oatmeal for those of you who don't have it memorized (insert snarky face).  It was made very clear that caffeine is not my friend in this quest, so I just decided to quit having my morning coffee.  So, at about 10am, a caffeine headache set in that stayed with me for the rest of the day.  In fact, it's keeping me company right now.

DAY THREE. What a freakin' day.

I now LOVE this pic.

Here's the idea.  I wasn't really sure why I posted really bad, mostly naked pictures of myself on the internet.  I just felt like I should.  Some reasons that floated through my head were, "To be honest with myself about what I look(ed) like."  "If the people on The Biggest Loser can do it, then I can too!"  "It'll be so cool to compare the before and after photos."

But recently, after a couple of people asked me what possessed me to do it, I realized that I did it to say:  "Yes.  I know what I look like.  You can call me fat or laugh at me all you want or otherwise try to make me feel like garbage for one thing or another, but I finally know that if you do that, it has very little to do with me, and a whole lot to do with you."

Day TWO-There's a reason I haven't succeeded at this before...

It sucks to be hungry all day long!
It is currently 8:21pm, and I have been hungry--despite eating my (close to) 1500 calories--All. Day. Long.

I don't know why, but I just didn't expect it to be this hard.

Although I must say, I was VERY happy with my weight on the scale this morning, but I cannot disclose my weight until it has been 7 days on the plan, in case it just stays where it's at today.  Still.  Very exciting.