Week 29, Day 6. I have no idea why I said yesterday was day 9.

I am happy to report that I ate clean all day today!

Here's how my day went. I woke up at 7:15am to my phone alerting me that someone had done something on Facebook worthy of an alert. I looked, and it was someone encouraging me with a wakeup call! This was actually more than fantastic, because I had, in no doubt a self-sabotaging attempt, NOT set an alarm. So I set it for 7:45am and went back to sleep. I hit snooze every five minutes after that until 9am.

I was tired.

I did make it to the gym, though! All I wanted to do was rock out! I had this overwhelming urge to dying for hours until I got over it. But I don't just mean sing. I mean sing at the top of my lungs INTENSE kind of singing.

When I got on the elliptical, I realized my urge wasn't necessarily about singing, but about doing something hard, something with intensity. In short,  my body was trying to  tell me it missed those intensity workouts. That was pretty cool.

Actually, it was pretty awesome because when I got to the gym, I was still super groggy and thought I might just take it easy today. My brain was saying  both: "You did not eat clean today. You should do an interval workout because you will jump on the opportunity to burn lots of fat. You may not have the same opportunity tomorrow" and "I don't feel like it. Isn't it equally important to only do what FEELS good, you know, so that I'll want to come back tomorrow?"

Guess which voice I thought sounded like the "wiser" option? 

But, as I started working out and listening to Kelly Clarkson's Mr. Know It All, I remembered that you shouldn't let your feelings guide your behavior in situations like these, because in all actuality, your FEELINGS are a RESULT of the BEHAVIOR you have been doing. If you change your behavior, your feelings will follow.

Just as I was getting into this train of thought (I had completed 5 pops), my phone rang. It was work. I was supposed to be there 10 minutes ago. So, I stopped my workout, 75% relieved, 25% disappointed.

I went home, made my breakfast, got ready and went back to work, thinking I would go to the gym between shifts.

Well that didn't happen. I ate breakfast at 11am (5 egg whites, 1 yolk, 1/2 cup oatmeal-measured before cooking, with blueberries and a Saint's coffee.) I ate lunch at 3pm (6oz chicken, lots of spinach, cabbage, bok choy, broccoli, and two scoops of sesame oil, 1 cup brown rice), and I finally took a break from 3:45pm-5pm. We were actually pretty busy today, and so the day flew by.

I tried to take a nap. That was a giant fail.

I went back in at 5pm, and we were busy again.  For waiting tables, this was a very good thing. 

I ate my last meal around 7:30pm. 6 egg whites, 1 yolk and a giant spoonful of peanut butter, which was delicious. I tried to drink all the water I'm supposed to, but I'm sure I fell short of that.

Oh well. I'm very happy with the job I did today. And I decided to let go if the gym. My opportunity to get my workout in was before work, and I did the best that I could.

Also, I weighed in at 130.8 today- which amazes me because yesterday I thought I had put all my weight back on.

Tomorrow, the goals are the same. I need to add visualization to my list of things to complete in a day though.

Well it's 12:12am. So goodnight!

Week 29, Day 9. I'm getting my act together.

I just found out that I haven't blogged for almost a month. I guess I wasn't joking when I said, "Time passes, no matter what decision you make."
I can't believe it's been that long!
A lot of things have happened in that month that threw me off course.  But I'm learning that I chose to let them throw me off course.
I remember when I first started this plan, I had absolute determination. And I wasn't even losing much weight at first. I was just absolutely determined to not look the way I looked and feel the way I felt anymore.  Well, somewhere along the way, I let go of that, and I have every intention of getting it back.
I could list the things I haven't been doing, but it would be quicker to say that I just haven't followed the plan. I haven't been eating clean, I haven't been eating on time, I haven't been eating consistently. I haven't been working out every day, and I haven't been getting regular sleep.  Well I guess I couldn't stand to not say what I haven't been doing.

Today was interesting. I really just wanted to relax. I got very disturbed sleep Wednesday night, and I think it might have caught up with me today because I did not feel like doing anything. I don't even know why I didn't go to the gym. I lied to myself, thinking, "you won't have any time to work on the things you need to work on if you go to the gym."  However, I never actually did a stitch of work. Except for my shift at the Green Bowl, where it's questionable if you could call what I did there work.

Anyway, I couldn't focus today. I was tired. I wanted a break. I wanted to sleep forever.

I ate clean for breakfast, but I did have a cup of coffee with creamer. I'm going to have to throw that creamer out. It's the only way.

I'll have to write that down so I remember.

When I finally left my house, I went to the coffee shop and ordered another coffee (this was 3 hours later) and a wheat bagel with cream cheese. THIS IS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.

Then I gave up trying to do work. After all, all I was doing was watching youtube videos of songs I love and wishing I could sing them.  So I left and sang my little heart out until I went to Green Bowl for my shift.

But I was so painfully tired and wanting to do anything but work! I just wanted some of my own time back! It was such a hard shift for me to get through, but I really need any extra cash I can get my hands on so I really wish I could get my urges to cooperate with me. I need my body to WANT to work. As Martha Beck would say, my essential self. My social self is saying, "You need to work because you need the money, and it would be good if you didn't piss off your coworkers while you're at work, too." My essential self is saying, "I can't take it! Give me something! Can I listen to music? Dance? Sing? Give me sugar, then. Alcohol?"

Anyway, I lost the fight with my essential self. I ate a bowl with ruins of sauce, some noodles, lots of vegetables, and white rice. I also had diet soda afterward because I was so tired (because I ate the sugar).

Then I came home and are Cool Whip directly out of the container. That may have been a better option than my original plan, which was to go to Dunkin Donuts and get 2 donuts. That plan was foiled through no fault of my own. I went, and it did not appear that DD had any donuts, plus the girls in front of me were taking ENTIRELY too long, so I just left before I killed someone for a donut.

The really important thing that happened today was that I started to feel ashamed of the way I look again. I started trying to suck in my belly again, in hopes it would make me look skinnier.

I hate the way that feels.

I know I can do the work to make myself look GREAT and not feel like I have to suck in my belly or be ashamed of it.

First step: make a chart.
Which I did, for the next 6 days. It includes: Get to the gym before work. Eat clean. Eat at least 4 meals per day. Blog. Be in bed by 9:30 or 30 min after you get home if you are working a long day.

Second step: make little rewards for yourself for every day that you folie the plan. I don't know what they will be yet. But I'm thinking maybe buy myself something really little.

Third step: Think of a big reward for doing all six days. I'm thinking I might buy clothes. That would be pretty awesome.

Fourth Step: Throw out the creamer. It is the only way. *i just took a minute and dumped the creamer*

Fifth step: Hulk Shakes. I even have the ingredients. I'll have to make some tomorrow and lean on it.

Sixth step: Fill my fridge. There's something about the emptiness in my fridge right now that is making me feel deprived or something.

And how am I going to stay on track? Check in with Amy. I haven't been leaning on her as much lately because I obviously haven't been as focused.

Another thing...I can't stay up all night blogging.  Sleep is important!

So goodnight!

Week 25, Day 2. Could have had a better day.

I did not get enough sleep last night. I knew that would mean that I would have cravings (has to do with hormones that are affected by your sleep), but I thought I was prepared to deal with them.

I did great all day until 5pm. Even at 2pm, when I was having a major craving because it had been too long since I ate last, I stopped at Sheetz to get two hard-boiled eggs. Then I also picked up my food for my (oops) 3rd meal and ate it before the work function I attended that was intended to be a snack-y/desert-y affair. Think carb heaven.

But by 5pm, I was so exhausted, I didn't have much fight left. I first snuck a pretzel bite when my very supportive  coworkers were not looking.

After that, I grazed. Terrible, I know. No real way to know how much damage I did. But I tried never to stuff myself, and I succeeded at that. I don't think it was all that terrible, and now that I realize that I only ate 3 of my 5 meals, it makes sense why I was so helpless in the face of all that food.  I know I had 2 mini cupcakes, some dorito-like chips (15?), maybe 15 pretzel bites, a tiny brownie, a scoop of hummus on a pepper stick, I don't remember what else.

I also decided not to go to the gym because I was so tired that I just needed to get some rest.

I am not sure that that was the best idea, but maybe the next time I am that tired, I will push through and get my workout done anyway.

Tomorrow, I have to be up early for work again so I'll get a workout in after the school programs and before social hour gets started. I am admitting right now that I plan on having one glass of red wine. Now that I'm being honest about it, hopefully I won't decide that it would be fine to have a second glass.

I am very much looking forward to tomorrow, but I also want to get past it, because I can't work out before work, and I'll be having wine, which I know will set me back, but I also know I will have a glass of wine. Saying I won't will only make me more likely to have more than one.

Alright, I'm falling asleep as I write this, sorry it's so boring, and good night.

Week 25, Day 1. I am so back.

I have been so off-track with this lately!  I guess I have just been having way too much fun.  And, come to think of it, some pretty stressful things have come along too.  But, I've finally got a routine working here, since I used my weekend to get into the state of mind of taking on these last 10 pounds again.  Without further ado, I'd like to repost my workout motto and source:

"I work out like a motherfucker!"

I just had to explain to my roommate why I had a piece of paper in my room that says "I work out like a motherfucker!" taped to my wall.  So I'll explain it again here, for those of you who don't know.  I love True Blood, (I shouldn't, I know, but I do), and one of my favorite scenes is when the town cop, Andy Bellefleure, is giving Jason Stackhouse a hard time.  Jason says something like, "Why are you always on my case?"  And Andy says, "Everything just seems to come so easy to you!  It's not fair!"  Jason explains a few things, but about the women loving him, he says, "You think that's easy???  I work out like a motherfucker!!!  And I watch a lot of porn."  I know I shouldn't have liked that, but I did.  So much so that it reminded me that Jason Stackhouse didn't get those abs by accident.  He worked effing hard for them.  And I am prepared to work effing hard for mine.  There.  That's my motto. 

Onto today.  I had an awesome day today.  Summary:  2 workouts, totally clean eating (except a cup of coffee in the am), and a very productive day at work.  Oh, AND I tanned.  That was a nice reward.

This morning, I was having a great time in dreamland, and totally did not hear my alarm until 6am.  Oops.  I was supposed to be at the gym by 5:45am.  So, I screwed around for a minute, but realized if I didn't get moving, I would miss this opportunity to work out.  So I got out the door.

But, not before weighing myself, and seeing that I finally broke past 130!  The scale read 129.4!  I have not seen that number in a decade, easily.  Well.  No.  But, I haven't seen it in way too long!  And, to that point, I probably will not see it again in the next couple of weeks.  I'm sure I lost muscle mass, so the numbers will go up again before they go down.

So, I got to the gym, and I did NOT think I would do a tough workout.  I was still pretty sleepy.  So I hopped on an elliptical, thinking I would do something light and just take credit for doing anything at all.  But, lo and behold, I heard some fun music, and all of a sudden, I was all about an interval workout.

It felt so great to get that out of the way, and it was an absolutely beautiful morning.  Smelled like summer in November.  It was delicious.

Anyway, I got through my day and then went back to the gym for my second workout in Kerry's class.  And I had a moment.  It was not a good moment, but I got over it.  Some woman approached me, very sweet lady, and she said, "Oh, my god!  Did I see you running the Steps to Safety 5k?"  I said, "Yeah!"  And she said, "Did you just lose a ton of weight?"

She might as well have drop-kicked me in the jaw.  I went right to, "God, what did I look like before?  A ton of weight?  A ton?  Maybe 15 pounds.  How bad did I look?  Was I in total denial?  Am I in total denial right now?"  Because here's the thing...I THINK now that I look the same as I did 15 pounds ago, it's a funny thing your brain does.  I don't feel any different.  So, to have people say things like that, it kind of takes me off balance.

It was crushing for about 60 seconds.  And then she said, "Oh my god, what are you doing?  I need to do that!  Who do I talk to?  What did you learn?"

And then I thought, "Oh!  This is a good thing!  She's not calling me fat!  She's not judging me!  She thinks I did an awesome thing!  And she wants to do it too!  And, I've lost enough weight that it's not only noticeable, but she called it a 'ton'!"

I have to add that saying, "Did you just lose a ton of weight?" is not the same as saying, "Oh my god, you look so good!" (women say this)" or "Looking good" (men say this).  This is not the same.  It always feels good when I hear those two statements.  I am reminded that I've done some work on myself, and it paid off.  Not the same.  I don't entirely know why.

So, after that little incident, I tried my very best for the whole class because I thought, "YES!  This does pay off!"  Then I rewarded myself with a tan.  And I fell asleep in the tanning bed.  And it was awesome.

Tomorrow I'm thinking my plan is to go to the gym after work.  Just one workout will do for tomorrow.  I'm already heading to bed later than I wanted to, and god knows I'll need to wind down first, so I'll just plan on waking up, eating at 7am, and I have to work early, so...yeah.

And if I follow my plan for this week, I will reward myself with a fun outfit.  Yay!  I need one of those!!!

Week 23, Day 5. I am so excited about today!

I am exhausted, but I'm writing about today because I'm so proud of what I accomplished!

I did, indeed, get up at 5:30am and finished my workout by 7am. That felt incredible!  To reward myself, I bought 20 tans. I know that doesn't sound in line with general health...and I'd like to avoid wrinkles and all, but...the pictures just look better if I'm tan. Plus, once, JUST ONCE, I want to feel as though I look the part of a Bronze Goddess. Yes. It's true.

Now that that's out of the way, I can write about the rest of my day. I managed to eat all my meals except my last one on time. However, I forgot my bread. Ezekiel bread that is, and so, I was super hungry most of the day.

I also had several soul-crushing moments throughout the day, but somehow it never popped into my brain to self-medicate with food.

I'm super-excited to weigh myself in the morning because for the first time in a LONG TIME, I actually worked out on an empty stomach. Amy has said this makes fat loss happen faster. Well, I should clarify that. She says that working out first thing in the morning before breakfast will burn fat faster. I have not been doing that for MONTHS.

It was so great to accomplish that! I finally felt like I had significant control over my life again!  I haven't felt that way for quite some time, but now I know why I could be so dedicated to this program. It makes me feel like I could take on the world.

I'm also happy to report that another friend has joined me in this process and will help keep me accountable to morning workouts AND will be a horse riding buddy! I can't wait to get into that again.

But, it's 11:22pm, and I need to get up at 7am. So good night.

Week 23, Day 4. Time to get serious.

It's 10:30pm on the noise, which means I am exactly one hour late for my bedtime, so I gotta make this fast.

I decided today that I have to get serious about these last ten pounds if I really want to lose them.

And I really want to lose them.

So tonight I am going to bed, then getting up at 5:30am, NO MATTER HOW TIRED I AM! And I am going to the gym.

Then I will reward myself. Only I haven't figured out how yet.

I did not see 129 today. I saw 131.2, but it reminded me that this takes dedication.

So. Starting now, I am dedicated to a schedule. I am dedicated to sleeping, eating, and exercising ON TIME.

Speaking of sleep, it's 10:34pm. Good night.

Week 23, Day 3! Could tomorrow be the day?

I had a great day today, and now I'm up too late. Way too late.
Long story short, I was damn near perfect today. The only exception was one cup of coffee. I am almost ready to make my goal no coffee. But not today.

Anyway, I weighed myself today, and I landed at 130.0lbs. So, I figure that it is completely possible that I will see the numbers 1-2-9 tomorrow. And if I do, that would be soooooo Amazing!!!

I forgot to mention that I also worked my tail off at Amy's class tonight. It was so intense!

Before I knew it I was 20 minutes into the class, and she had me do focused on form and what my body was doing, that I didn't have time to look at the clock.

I tried to remember  that the best athletes are the ones that can ignore the pain. I tried to push past it. I succeeded sometimes. And that's all that counts.

So...I'm finally going to bed. I meant to be in bed a lot sooner. I need to start making choices that honor bed time.

For now, good night!

Week 23, Day 2!

Yesterday was such a good day that I wish I had taken the time to blog about it!

Today was good  but not as good.
I woke up at 8am, before my alarm, but I wanted nothing more than to lay in my bed some more.

So I screwed around. I tried to squirm out of doing ANYTHING. I was so unhappy about the thought of getting out of bed for ANY reason that I ultimately decided, "Hey, if it's this bad, and I don't have anywhere to be until 11am, what's the harm in getting some rest?"

But, as soon as I made that decision, I couldn't let go of the guilt that if I didn't work out NOW I wasn't going to be able to work out at all. Plus, I was supposed to pick up my whiteboard, and I'd have to eat breakfast and shower and get all of my meals around for the day...and I simply would not let myself rest, but I also still did not want to get out of bed.

Eventually, I remembered that Amy had taught me a technique for starting on track that I consistently forget. Visualization.

I realized that and started thinking about how I wanted to look. Then I started acknowledging how every day, consistency counts.

I was finally motivated to get out of bed. I pushed my meeting back to 12 (which was a MUCH better idea), and headed downstairs for breakfast.

I got around for the gym and headed out the door. First, I needed to pick up my whiteboard, then go to the gym, then shower, pack my meals and go to work.

Well.

I didn't give myself enough time. By the time I got to the gym, it was 11am. I literally got on an elliptical for 5 minutes and got off to go home.

But that was ok. At least I conquered that part of me that didn't feel like it.

The more practice I get at out-maneuvering the "I don't feel like it" feeling, the more successful I will become.

I did have a cup of coffee today (at 12pm), and I ate clean EXCEPT for at night I got really tired and really hungry, and stressed as well, so I drank a diet pepsi, and I ate a 100 cal granola bar. At 8pm.

That's not good, but there's more to the story. I ate at 9:30am, 1:30pm, and 5:00pm.  So, I wasn't eating enough. I didn't think I could eat  another meal because it would be too late.

After work (9pm) I got the most raging craving for a chicken sandwich from Sheetz with mayo and cheese and italian dressing. I didn't know how I was going to avoid it. I didn't seem to have any self-discipline left.

Then, all of a sudden, it occurred to me that I would have to blog about it. And I would have to tell Amy. And Amy and I both know I am fully capable of overcoming the craving and making the decisionthat is in line with my goal: go home and go to bed. Do not pass GO, do not collect a chicken sandwich.

So, that's what I did. I came home.

I reposted my motto  "I work out like a m*****f*****!" on my wall to help me keep my goal in perspective.

I drafted a morning routine (I need to feel some kind of regularity in my life) and tomorrow will be my first day of it.

So, now it's 12am and I am up 2 hours later than I planned to be. Tomorrow I will get in bed on time.

And I'm posting this picture for help with refocusing... :)

Week 22 Day 7. Decent day.

I had a strange night last night. I slept until 1pm on Saturday, and that was GREAT. Then I eventually went to the gym and did my laundry, then went straight to work.

I was worried that I would have trouble falling asleep, but I totally didn't. Unfortunately I woke up at 4:30am ready to take on the world. Only, I couldn't think of something to reasonably tackle at 4:30am.

So, I got some much-needed reading done, and eventually fell back to sleep in a wonderful kind of way.

At 7am.

Which means I skipped the gym.

I crawled out of bed at 9:57am, and I was supposed to be at work at 10am.  So, I certainly didn't get to live up to my goal of always leaving my house looking my best.

Anyway, I ate well all day.  But I was on such a hurry to there, I forgot to weigh myself. I never forget that! I love my data!

Anyway, so I got to work, and immediately got some Saints' coffee. I would have been better off if I hadn't, but I turned out ok.

I ate three clean meals  despite REALLY wanting some french toast or pancakes.

I did then drink another coffee later. But I managed to say no to the donuts!

After work, I skipped the gym again. I told myself something like, "I'm tired" "It doesn't really matter if I go tonight" "I don't have time".  All of which is just my brain saying, "I don't feel like it, so I'm going to convince you it's ok."

I did, however, get some groceries and de-cluttered my room.

That felt awesome. Now I'm going to read until I fall asleep, and hit the gym before work in the morning!

Week 22, Day 6. Getting back in my routine.

I slept until 1pm today. It was  great and I needed it. I just wasn't prepared for how much I would want to CONTINUE laying around after I woke up.

I finally, after making breakfast and sipping my tea, AND reading my book, I finally decided to get my ass to the gym. I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO.

I also had to do my laundry, and I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO.

But, I knew I just had to get the ball rolling, as Amy would say.

The summary is that I ate clean all day long, with the exception of getting coffee before work, and I did 20 pops...quality pops! I could even still run at 9mph!

Tomorrow my goal is to get to the gym before breakfast, eat clean all day, and be in bed by 9:30am.

I've got an early morning monday, and I want to get back into working out before breakfast.

Week 22, Day 5. I've been a bad bad girl.

I forgot how much it sucks to be honest about your weight loss efforts when you're not making much of an effort.

Here was my day.

I didn't get up and go to the gym. I was exhausted. Amy gave me a plan that I could have used to get 20 minutes of exercise in, but as it turned out, I didn't even have enough time to put my make up on and do my hair for work, which is important.

At the conference I went to, they stressed how important it is that every time you leave your house, you look your very best.

This is not something I've  mastered, in fact, I almost never do my hair and make up any more, because there are a  thousand other things I'd rather be doing.  Plus the feminist in me says "Guys aren't wasting their life doing their hair and make up. This is a conspiracy, and I won't be fooled!"

So, my point is, I was very disappointed when my one day streak of following this advice was over. Better luck tomorrow.

So...day started out hectic after I got out of bed at 8am. Barrier had enough time to cook and get ready for work, THEN my car was covered with frost, and I was almost late to work, which would have been very bad, so I was more stressed.  I really wanted coffee, but I ran out time for that too.

As I sat at my desk, it occurred to me that I was REALLY tired. By the end of my first meeting I was ready to dive face-first into fat and sugar.

But, I couldn't because I had to wait for other people to cover the office. That was at 11:30am.  Now, I had my food. I could have cooked it and are it.

Did I?

No.

I waited until 1:30 or so, when we had coverage, and matched right to the Indian restaurant and ate the buffet. White rice, naan, paneer, butter chicken, etc.

Then I went to Dunkin Donuts and got coffee with CREAM AND SUGAR and 3 donuts. Two old-fashioneds (the extra one was a mistake, but I ate it anyway) and a bavarian cream-filled.

I forgot to mention that I had developed a pretty raging headache by 11am that I couldn't shake. This didn't help.

I went back to the office and  as you can imagine, had a food coma for the rest of the day. I couldn't IMAGINE working at Green Bowl all night. 

But I did.

And I ate there too, at about 8pm.  I had noodles and vegetables and 4 different scoops of sauce including sesame oil. I just didn't care!

As Mel Robbins would say, "I simply did what I felt like doing." And what I felt like doing was apparently sabotaging my weight loss, because after work, at 10:30pm, I went to Kiwi!

I have NEVER had such a day.

I think two key things are:
1) Get enough rest.
2) Do not let work stress derail my plan for the day.

I can only hope that my coach doesn't disown me for this.

Tonight, I'm going to get rested.  There was at least one night in the recent past that I only got 3 hours of sleep...come to think of it, there were 3 nights in a row.

Maybe it's just catching up with me, because I can't remember a time that was quite that bad.

My first priority is to rest. My second priority is to workout.  My third priority is to eat clean tomorrow.

Maybe treat today like a cheat day. Although, it wasn't cheating, it was totally self-medicating with food.

I will have to talk with Amy to see how to get thought work stress, but blogging definitely helps. I mean, just now, I have reviewed my day, and in so doing, I have de-stressed and looked for ways to be more successful.

Looks like blogging will become a daily thing again.
Maybe I will also revisit my goals.

Week 22, Day 4.

So, I can't believe it's been a month since Amy put me on my 2 a day workouts!

I've really lost my focus. For the past 6 days I've just disregarded my diet and workouts.

Oh no.

I just realized that the reason I'm not gaining anything pounds wise us because I'm sure I'm losing muscle mass.

Crap.

But, I've made the decision to get back on track, no matter how I feel, no matter how stressed out I am, no matter what.

I am still around 130-131, but I REALLY need to respect my diet and workout schedule. 

Tomorrow, I will eat clean.  I would like to work out too, so I will have to get up at 7am to get to the gym and then I can make my breakfast at work. I definitely need to lift some weights and do some serious cardio.

And, I will have to start blogging more regularly to keep myself accountable.

Bedtime.

Week 18, Day 2! Pictures!

I haven't written in a week. Mainly because I was in a rut. I was crashing mid day, having 10 chocolates, and on some days, even getting donuts from Dunkin' Donuts. I didn't really gain, I only went up as high as 132.5, which is amazing to say!

So this week, Amy got me remotivated by changing things up. On MWF I have double workouts. One before work, and one after work, then on TRS, I don't work out. That's more to it than that, but that's about the jist of it.

Anyway, I did great my first two days! Now, I just need to get up at 545 tomorrow so I can get my workout in and eat by 7am.

And I decided to take pictures again, because it's been awhile, and my roommate could help with that.

I'm kind of in this place where I have forgotten that I lost 15 pounds. I almost feel like I look the same as I did before I lost that 15 pounds. It's a very strange place to be.

It's not unless someone tells me that I *believe* that the weight did not creep back up on me. I don't quite know what to make of it.

It also makes visualization of seeing my belly muscles that much harder. But, I'm just gonna fake it til I make it.

Here's my pics!

Week 17, Day 2. Bad day.

Today, I felt bad. I was overly tired, my sleep was interrupted, and the last place I wanted to go was work.

I have so many other things to take care of!

I tried to sleep more, but the balance  between enough sleep and eating on time got to me. So I got up and ate.

I spent my entire day avoiding things. It was exhausting.

Finally, at 4pm, I ate a mini Mr. Goodbar. Then I ate 4 more. Then I vowed to stop.

Did some more work.

Then I ate another Mr. Goodbar. Then I ate another 4.

Then I realized I wasn't going to be able to finish a project before class. Irritating!  And, I realized how late it was, and that I didn't have time to cook my food before class.

So I decided to go to Panera. This had more to do with self-medicating with food than time restraints.

I had the sierra turkey sandwich and the creamy tomato soup.
But I didn't even get to enjoy it/dive head first into the dizzying taste of carbs and fat, because of time.

Extremely irritating.

So I had a diet pepsi too.

I also got a parking ticket. $15. Ugh.

So, I may have prevented myself from seeing 129 this week.

To remedy this, I am going to bed and getting rested.

Goodnight!

Week 16, Day 4. Did Something Different Today!

So, I've been criticized before for putting stuff that is too personal on the internet for all to see.

And I'm about to do it again.

But with better taste this time, I suppose.

I mentioned that I've been having a hard time emotionally lately, and that I learned that I respond to situations in ways that are codependent.  I'm finding that this is hugely relevant to my ultimate goal of seeing my belly muscles.

You see, when I got close to my goal, close to the possibility that it could actually happen, I took a nose dive off the program for a couple of days. Or, I let someone else's behavior determine whether I stayed on the program or whether I dove face first into  donuts.

Or, if I was feeling down, I would let that determine if I would honor my commitment to the gym that day.

In the past, I've called that "taking care of myself", and sometimes it might just be that.

However, in my reading today, I discovered that one codependent behavior is to let upsetting news (doesn't even have to involve you) throw you off your routine.

See, I went back to my therapist for the first time in a few months today. She's so awesome. And, as you do in therapy, I revealed a part of me that was hurting, and I cried. This is progress. It's taken a long time to cry in front of someone, because I'm afraid they will make fun of me. Even, my therapist.

So I did that today and it was good.  But after the appointment, I knew I wasn't done. I had opened the floodgates. So I went home and cried some more.

After I was done, I thought, a nap will be so good right now. And it's self-care, so it's ok if you skip your workout.

Only I knew it wasn't ok. I've list muscle mass, and I need to regain it, not to mention I'm coming down to my last ten pounds, I need all the lean muscle mass and body-shocking workouts I can handle.

A happy medium was to read one of my books on codependency. It was then that I realized I was letting something upsetting destroy my routine. And it's connection to not actually believing I deserve good things was immediately clear.

So, I did something different. I got up and went to the gym. I even took care of two errands I've been avoiding for more than two weeks.

I EVEN challenged myself to stay on the elliptical when I felt like giving up.
The result? One lifting session (tiny, but better than nothing) and 24 minutes of pops. I didn't think I could even do 5 minutes, but I hung in there. I hadn't eaten since 11am because all the crying just ruined my appetite. 

So I was actually feeling pretty weak and shaky. That's why I did the pops on the elliptical, not the treadmill. I could just see my knees buckling and me hitting the belt face first and getting a terrible rugburn. No, thank you.

So, I did it! I felt VERY accomplished and capable afterward.

Unfortunately, I did get overly hungry and had 5 Hershey's mini chocolate bars. And a diet pepsi, if I want to come totally clean.

But I ate my two meals of lean protein and vegetables, finished out my day strong, and I'm in bed on time, easy to crank out another good day tomorrow!

I'm looking to build on these behaviors, because now I feel like the only thing that will get in my way of seeing my belly muscles is my emotional health. So I'm getting healthy!

Hosted by Maybelle.

Week 16, Day One. Renewed commitment.

Today a friend reminded me of a different state of mind that I used to be in.

It was really something. I was having a hard time convincing myself to go to the gym. I was half-afraid I would leave before the class started because I was so tired. I looked for encouragement from others, and she reminded me about the blog I wrote on why and how I continue to make choices...the difficult decisions of eating well when I want to eat donuts, of continuing to run when I want to sleep.

The answer was simple. I found out that time passes, and it passes rather quickly at that.  So I could make a few consistent, slightly uncomfortable decisions, and reap the rewards later, or I could squander the opportunity.

I found myself reaching more for the choice that required some effort.

For the past two weeks, I've been moving, my schedule has been erratic, and I've lost a significant relationship. In the face of that, I decided to avoid working out, used it as an excuse to eat poorly, and in general, get off course.

Tonight, I just realized how fast these two weeks have gone. And that I'm going to pay for making those choices.

I've lost some lean muscle because I haven't been working out like I should.  So in the next couple of days, I'm going to see an increase in weight as I build that muscle back up.

But the thing that really struck me was that in the beginning, I surrendered everything to Amy's expertise. Whatever she told me to do, I did it. I was done resisting, done complaining, I was ready to do the hard work required to lose weight.

Somewhere in these weeks, that has just gone by the wayside.

So, I'm getting it back. Starting tonight, I am resurrendering to the process.  I'm going to surrender better than I did before! I'm actually going to incorporate STRENGTH TRAINING!

I'm going to go to bed on time. I'm going to get up on time. I'm going to work out on time, in the ways I've been taught will be helpful.  I'm going to eat on time.

I surrender. Because time passes.

Week 15, Day 5. Quick post.

Today, I took a personal day to get my head screwed on straight. Really, I just stayed in bed all day, trying to make up for all the sleep I've ben cheated out of.

I think it worked. I remembered that I have a pretty big goal to move to San Diego in two years, a trip to plan to visit my friend Paula in England, and a trip to California in December.

Writing down what I wanted to accomplish really helped me focus on myself.

I've always known that where you put your attention is what you'll end up with, but I was having a hard time redirecting my attention. Once I got started, it really wasn't all that hard.

Today I didn't work out, and I didn't eat at the right times.

I ate my first meal at 11:30am. Still having a hard time with appetite, but it's slowly coming back. Ate my next meal at 5pm.  Chicken, rice, vegetables...but it was sporadic because I was at work, just taking bites here and there.

Oh and I forgot to mention, I am STILL drinking coffee in the morning, and I have gotten into the habit of drinking it while I'm working at Green Bowl because it helps me move faster...and sometimes I don't know how I get through the shift without it.

My last meal was probably at 8pm. I had eggs again. I meant to eat some peanuts but I never did. And I didn't easy a fat with my second meal either.

Amy told me today she wants to tweak my plan so I can lose faster, which I didn't think was possible. I think I'm not losing more than a pounds a week because I have been inconsistent.

And I have totally fallen off track with drinking enough water.

So. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to get back on track.  I'm not sure I can give up the coffee just yet, but I can certainly eat before 12pm.

But I picked up another shift at Green Bowl for the Alabama game, so I did not prioritize working out.

Sometimes I have to pick a priority: lose weight or make money. For tomorrow, I chose money because I need the extra cash that comes from working on football weekends.

So, I'm going to try to get solid sleep tonight, and have an enjoyable morning before I go into work at 10:30am.

Week 15, Day 4. This sucks.

I just found out that I am codependent.

Yes this has to do with seeing my belly muscles.

And, actually, I didn't just find out.  I just accepted it.  Acknowledged it.  Named it.  Colored in all the detail.

Actually, it slapped me in the face.

It occurred to me that in an earlier part of my life, someone tried to "save me".  Tried to show me what a good life they had, and how, if I would only LISTEN to them, and TAKE THEIR ADVICE, that I would be happy too.

Except that I didn't want their life.  I didn't want to take their advice.  I didn't want to be put in this position.  But I did want the spoils of it all.  The attention.  The benefits.  I used the person and humored their advice. 

Now I'm finding that this has been done to me.  And it sucks.

Because now I know that this person I've been trying to save didn't want to be saved at all.  Didn't want my life.  Didn't want my advice.  Resented that I boxed them in, tried to control them, disapproved.

But this person still wanted the attention, wanted the spoils.  The benefits.  So this person used me and humored my advice.

And I wondered why it was harder to lose weight when I was trying to save this person.

I read all the quizzes about being codependent.  The one that struck me the most was:  "Has any one in the past year asked you, begged you, PLEADED with you to STOP HELPING THEM?" 

Oh.  Yeah.

And here I thought I was healthy.

But now that I've named it, I can change it.  Codependency does not make a person happy.  As you can see in the triangle above, it is full of disappointment, hurt, broken hearts, broken promises.  Not to mention the wasted effort.  I've gone to SO MUCH EFFORT. 

But it's not about this one person.  Or another person.   Or another.  It's about me.  And I'm going to be in codependent relationships until I decide not to behave that way anymore.

I have been behaving in ways that a codependent person behaves.  And I am so finished with it.  I'm most likely codependent in a lot of my relationships.  And can I just say, I have hated the term codependent ever since my mother mentioned it when I was growing up.  At the mere mention of the possibility that I could be codependent, I would freak out and say that it was a made-up thing by the Christian religion and it wasn't even in the DSM IV or whatever it is.  So don't label me!

But here I am.  Finding that I answered yes to just about all the questions.  UGH.


So.  Step one is to focus on myself.  And only myself.  Earlier this year, at my brother's request, I decided to stop getting involved in other people's problems.

Only it didn't last.  Things came up that I thought,  "This is urgent!  This is dire!" and  "There is no other solution!"  or "If I do this, I can change outcome to the outcome I want!"

All of those statements are wrong.
No situation was so urgent that I had to fix it.  There were other solutions.  I did not succeed in changing the outcome.  Not even a little bit.

I just wasted my life a little bit.

So.  Here's to no more wasted effort.  Here's to no more broken promises. 
I guess the first thing I'm going to do is learn as much as I can about codependency, and then with my therapist (yes I have one!) I'm going to tackle and overcome this.

On the weight loss front, for the past few days, I have had no appetite, I worked out once or twice, I've gotten terrible sleep, and I've spent a lot of time lurched over with nausea and fear about what this person was doing to their life.  And it's unwarranted.  That person sure as hell isn't worried about it, and I wouldn't give a crap if it was anybody else.  Anybody else could do the things that this person is doing and I would not bat an eyelash.  I would think they were an idiot and wish them well.

It's messing with my weight loss, and it serves no purpose. 

In good news, I am down to 133.4 lbs!  For the past 4 days, I have allowed this situation, which actually does not even involve me, to take me away from my goals.

No more.  Starting now, I'm going to be taking VERY good care of myself, and I'll be learning how to have healthier relationships.

Week 15, Day 3. I've got to write more often!

Today I finally got up at 7am, like I've been meaning to for a couple of weeks now. Part of what woke me up was raging hunger. I had a hard time eating anything yesterday, just because of anxiety. Today was better.
So today was pretty good. I have to remember to visualize every morning when I get up and every night when I go to bed. I forgot about that this morning. I really just wanted to write down my dreams, but I couldn't remember anything.

Anyway, so I made it through work, and went to Amy's class. It was a different routine, and some of the moves were damn near impossible.

There's this one move where you put your hands down on the floor and try to jump from side to side. I could barely do it. But there was another move that was so much fun. You rolled yourself up to standing. Everyone laughed and had a great time with that one.

I had a hard time keeping up tonight, just like this blog is lacking some pep. I'm just feeling a little down, but I'm sure it will pass.

For fun, here's a picture of my sweaty self after Amy's kickass class.

Wow, I Haven't Written in 15 Days. Week 14? I don't even know.

For the past three days, I've been dealing with really upsetting news.  I haven't decided if I'm going to write about something so personal on such a public blog. 

What I can say is that while it was upsetting, it was also for the best.  It might as well have been that my best friend left to join the circus and I was the last to know.

Now, I just have to figure out how to let this be fuel for my weight loss.  I went on a two-day hiatus from my plan just because of the sheer shock of the whole thing.  I just couldn't process anything.  Then, the level of betrayal just kept rising, and I smoked a cigarette.

Today was hard, but tomorrow will be easier, and the day after that will be even easier, and pretty soon, I will have my stars lined up and I will be cranking through pounds like I'm built for it.

This pretty much sums it up.

Week 13, Day 3. Has it really gone that fast?

It's 9:31pm and I am writing a quick post to say that I am determined to catch up on my sleep tonight. I feel totally back on track with the program, and the only thing that is making it difficult is my sleep schedule.

So, I took two Advil PMs and my plan is to peruse this magazine (which is probably going to be published at the end of this post) before I visualize my success.

Today I had a great day, I ate clean, except for a cup of coffee (convinced myself I needed it because I woke up groggy). At 5:30pm, I did Amy's Peak Your Physique class, and I really tried to squeeze everything I could out of my body.

Tomorrow, Amy already gave me a plan for my before-breakfast workout. Tomorrow I am totally going to make this happen. 6am wake up!

Week 13, Day One! Visualization.

Today was a good day. I went to bed thinking about my goal...fitness competition...and I woke up thinking about it, too!

Unfortunately, I got really terrible sleep.  I took a nap earlier in the evening because I was so tired, and off course I couldn't wake up out of it. So, I didn't fall asleep until maybe 2:30am, and I let mt alarm go off from 7am to 8:20am. I see a familiar habit starting again. 

I used to constantly wake up with just enough time to wash my face, brush my teeth and run out the dour for work.  It's not something I want to slip back into.

So tonight, I am going to make it easy for me to accomplish this goal:
Run up fraser hill 20 times before breakfast.

In order to do that, I need to GO TO BED!  It's probably the thing I do the least-go to bed on time.

This visualization exercise just had me so excited and filled with energy, not just for this goal, but for all my wild dreams.

For example, today I started thinking about finding ways to make $16,000 do I can go on a STAR trip with Martha Beck.

Anyway, before I go off to bed, here's what I'm able to imagine my abs looking like soon:

I hope that image inserted itself in the right place.

Soon, I will be able to envision my abs looking like this:

Oh, and I also need to work on running a little more because I want to run in the Women's Resource Center's 5K on September 18th and I want it to be the best time I've ever had. Since I have 3 weeks to work toward it, and I've been doing more hill work, I should be able to do it. My fastest time might be 28 minutes, so it's not like I am a speed demon by any stretch.

Alright! Those are my goals. Goodnight!

Week 12, Day 7. Waning motivation? Amy says no way!

I really haven't been blogging.

The past week and a half has been incredibly stressful. I've been trying to get paperwork finalized for moving into a new apartment, I've been working more at Green Bowl, and some situations that are work-related have had me gripped with raging headaches every weekday since I wrote last.
I also had contact with at least one person whose very presence fills me with shameful, guilty, and frustrating feelings.
All that threw me into a funk that I am just now dragging myself out of.

I happened to mention to Amy that, lately, I don't always feel so confident about the reality of my goal (seeing my belly muscles/being bikini-ready).

I mean how many times have women heard, "Real women don't look like that" or "Don't compare yourself to the women in the magazines"?

But but but...I WANT to look like the women in the magazines! My own version of it, at least!

So, in the back of my mind, I've had this default setting that I'm probably not going to have the results that I dreamed of.  Occasionally I would get these flashes where I KNEW I was, going to succeed at this, because I was accomplishing my goals and seeing results.

But all of that kind of melted into thin air after the past couple of weeks I've had. I was really feeling down about myself in general. Money was tight, and that always makes me feel like a failure.

Yesterday, I found myself in a state that my therapist would have called depressed. I was really feeling like a loser. All my thoughts were about how pathetic my life is, and that things will never get better.

Because of Martha Beck, I can never have those thoughts again without realizing that I'm telling the story of my life from a professional victim's point of view. And, other people might write it very differently.

So I started looking at the story of my life very differently. As Martha Beck suggests, be the Hero of your story! As I began to tell my tale from a  perspective of luck and abundance, I started to feel so much more capable and full of life.

For example, my first story of myself would have gone like this:

Poor girl, grew up in an abusive home, barely scraped her way through college in hopes of having a better life, only to work for low paying jobs that required her to work hard for the rest of her life, never really achieving anything more than almost mediocre.

My hero story sounds like this:
Determined from the gate, this young woman did not let hardship get in her way. She fought her way through undergrad with painfully little support and began working in a field that she loved. Despite the low pay, she continued and excelled at that work by finding a fantastic part time job. Once she got comfortable making ends meet, she started the work of discovering more about herself. She began setting goals and achieving them. She shared these successes with friends and began to notice that the people that filled her life were loving and supportive. She continued to meet people who stunned her with generosity, helping her along heer way. She went on to set wildly improbable goals, like competing in a fitness model competition and pleasantly surprised herself at the outcome of these goals.

The stories are both of my life, but told in very different ways. The victim story inspires me to lay in bed until it's over. The Hero story inspires me to have faith in myself. Find out what I'm capable of!

That brings me to today.

I mentioned my failure to believe in my goals to Amy, and she blew me away.

But before I say what Amy did, I have to say what she supported me through these past two weeks. I went from having a razor-sharp focus and unbeatable drive to accomplish this goal to self-medicating with food on a couple of different occasions. This is THE OPPOSITE of what I was going to accomplish. Eating my feelings was so far off the map of getting to see some definition in my abs.

Just, no.

Then I did it some more, probably because I was telling myself what a loser I was for succumbing.

Amy was awesome. Once, it was a celebration, twice, it was hmmm, what's going on here, and three times it was, "Betsy needs some help."  So, she helped me. She talked me through my next headache-induced meltdown. I realized I didn't need to self-sabotage. I COULD fight my way through this!

And I wasn't going to let myself blame my failure to follow though on anybody else. That's another victim story.

So, now I can say what Amy did today. She brought up visualization. I can't believe I haven't been doing that. It's one of the most basic pieces of achieving anything. So I'm starting that, morning and night, and maybe a midday recentering as well.

THEN, she brought up the possibility that I enter myself in a fitness model competition fo sometime in 2012. I was stunned. My original goal was to compete, somehow, someway. But I scaled it back because I thought, "I'm just not capable of that. That's crazy."

But here we go! I'm all about it, and it will give me a deadline to work toward, so I will have a much harder time falling off or forgetting what my goal was.

I think I did forget my goal this past week. I couldn't remember why I shouldn't have coffee, or why I should really stick to my meal plan. I forgot why I was doing this.

But here we go again! I'm all fired up and I love competition!

Tomorrow my goals are simple. Get up at 7am. Visualize. Eat. Prepare meals. Stop at grocery store before work. Eat on time. Take Kerry's class after work. Do strength training routine. Take shower. Eat. Be in bed by 9:30pm. Visualize. Sleep.

Week 11, Day 4. That was a rough one.

I haven't written for a few days, and it definitely shows.

I've had a really rough couple of days, and if I had been writing consistently, it probably wouldn't have happened.  Well.  I can't say that for sure.  But let me express what the last few days have been like.

I started on a downward trajectory sometime last week.  I just didn't think I could hang on until Sunday for my cheat day.  I think I've identified (and eliminated) one major multi-faceted trigger that pushed me over the edge.  Sunday I was very disciplined and tried to do my cheat day right.  I ate kind of what I wanted, within bounds, and yet, I went home that night feeling deprived.

I woke up Monday, and I just wasn't feeling like doing the work.  I was tired of being tired.  I've been getting interrupted sleep lately.  So, Monday I'm sure I exercised but not like I usually do.  I skipped my Kerry class too.  I just didn't think I could do it.

I still followed my diet plan.  Every day was getting gradually harder and harder to stay on my plan.

It was very much like sinking slowly.

I have a lot going on right now, and I was just drowning in it all.  I'm going to be moving August 26th, but the paperwork isn't finalized, my current place isn't clean enough for prospective tenants to visit (and if no one takes the lease by Sept 1, I will have to pay rent there AND at the new place), I didn't have the energy to do my dishes or in general clean up after myself.  My bills are mounting because I need to have a security deposit and first month's rent for this new place, and since my car broke down last month, that meant putting off any bills I could (car's still not fixed.  Running on 5 cylinders until I can pay someone to unstick the spark plug, which could take $1500).  I had this trip coming up for work that I anticipated being gone for a week, which would mean spending money I didn't have, and having to work THAT MUCH HARDER to stay on a plan I was barely clinging to in the first place, AND cramming the work I need to do for next week into this week, which is already overwhelming.  To make matters worse, the trip logistics (how was I getting there, how was I paying for the hotel, when am I going/leaving) was causing me an enormous amount of stress.

Then finally it happened.

On Tuesday, I woke up and ate my breakfast that I look forward to every day.  I had a relaxing morning and told myself, "Today it will all be fixed.  I can do this."  By three o'clock everything came crashing down.  My brother's girlfriend had gone into labor early in the morning and I was dying of anticipation to hear the news.  At three thirty, I could take no more.  I had a raging headache (I never get those) which was directly related to trying to organize myself for the trip, and I just had to get out of the office for a break before class.  So I did.

I went to Starbucks and ordered a Tall Mocha Coconut frappucino and a birthday cake pop.  I ate the birthday cake pop WHILE WAITING FOR MY FRAPPUCINO.  I drove back downtown, and on the way, finished my frappucino.  So, I stopped at Dunkin Donuts and got an iced coffee with cream and sugar. AND FOUR DONUTS.  I went back to the office, plunked back down at my desk and proceeded to eat most of the four donuts.

I have to say, I felt better.

Then I finished out my workday at 9pm and felt the urge to destroy again.  So, I drove directly to McDonald's *gasp!* and got a Quarter Pounder with cheese, and a LARGE fry.  I ate it at home.  Then I had some more taco dip.  Then I had some Oreos.

You see, my mission wasn't to eat to fulfill something.  I was eating to destroy all progress I had made.  I was self-destructing.

One of the interactions I had triggered powerfully negative thoughts that flooded my brain, and I didn't have the emotional immune system to fend them off.  They sounded like this:
"You don't deserve this."  Message: I don't deserve good things because of who I am.
"Betsy never finishes anything."  Message:  I am a quitter and a failure.
"You are spoiled."  Message:  I don't deserve the good things I do have, and I should feel guilty for having them because other people who are not me deserve them more.
"You are a brat." Message: I do not deserve to be loved or understood.  I do not accept you
"This is _____'s day, not yours!" (yelled at me because I've been accused of stealing the show, stealing friends, when I was never intentionally doing any of that.)  Message:  I am selfish and people don't like me.
"You are a troublemaker."  Message:  You intentionally cause problems for other people because you are selfish.
"You cause problems." Message:  You don't deserve to be treated fairly, and when you complain, it's nothing but you making life hard for other people.
"You are selfish."  Message:  And we don't like/accept you.
"Give her an inch and she'll take a mile." Message: I'm selfish and can't be trusted because I'm bad.
"Even so-and-so thinks you're a brat." Message:  Nobody likes/accepts you.
"Don't you think that's long enough (to stay here for a visit)?" Message:  You cause problems, are selfish, and we don't want you here.  If you were not here, the problems would not be here.

I'm sure there was more, but there was a general theme running through my head that I was nothing but trouble.  That I make bad decisions.  That I don't work hard.  That I am selfish.  That I don't deserve good things because I am fundamentally bad and a pain in "everybody's" behind.

This is where I invoke Martha Beck's "Everybody" theory.  We all walk around with an Everybody.  For example on that day, I was thinking, "Everybody hates me and thinks I do nothing but cause problems."  "Everybody" is the collection of messages that you've gathered from your childhood until present day that you repeat to yourself on a constant basis.

What's interesting though, is if I try to list 'EVERYBODY' who thinks "Betsy is a troublemaker", I will come up with maybe 5 names (of course, they all know me in the same context).  No one else in my life thinks that.  Therefore 'EVERYBODY' is not everybody at all, but a select group of people who think of me in the same way. 

So, I decided (with Martha Beck's help, of course) to choose my Everybody.  And I decided to choose the people who have said things like this to me:
"Betsy works hard at everything she does." Mrs. Joan Jannone (this was perhaps the most important thing anyone in my life has ever said to me.  I absolutely let it become part of my identity.)
"Betsy, I wanted to work with you because I saw your drive in class." Amy
"It's no secret that you work very, very hard."  Jason
"Betsy, I love you so much."  AnnaLisa
"You are one of my favorite people and I kind of judge other people by how you feel about them." (not putting this person's name on here because I don't think she'd appreciate it!)
"Betsy, you are like, one of the most trustworthy people I know."  Elise
"Even you, the most sunshiny and people-y person I know couldn't warm up that room."  Emma
"Betsy, you always made it ok to be me."  Karrie

Those are just off the top of my head.  Not to mention the countless people who have supported me throughout this journey so far.  People just offering words of encouragement and having faith in me. I needed to HEAR AND FEEL the messages that people were sending me that were based in love.  Cause the Everybody that I was hauling around on Tuesday did not love me.  In fact, that Everybody hated me and wanted to see me fail, because that Everybody did not believe that I deserved to be happy.

(Disclaimer:  This is not to suggest that I don't have moments where I absolutely tell someone what I think of them, whether it is nice or not.  I can be downright mean and exacting if the situation calls for it.  What it is suggesting is that those people listed above KNOW I do that and love me anyway.)

So that worked for a night.

Then I had the same trigger happen again.  And Wednesday night after work I went and got a Blizzard.  And ate some Oreos.

You see, I wasn't trying to satisfy an itch or a craving.  I was just trying to satisfy Everybody who said I don't deserve to have success in my life.  I was actively trying to destroy the progress I've made so far, because Everybody knows I don't deserve it.  Everybody knows I'm just a failure, and who am I kidding?

Somehow, through interactions with the positive people in my life who believe I do deserve good things, I was able to hear a better Everybody.  That Everybody didn't tell me how bad I was for falling off the wagon.  Didn't get disgusted with me for doing it twice.  Didn't tell me "I knew you would do that."

No, this Everybody said, "It's ok.  This is a lifelong journey.  You'll have days like this.  You can get back on.  You can do this."

So, today, I had a great day.  I'm in a different place mentally than I was on Tuesday and Wednesday.  I still cheated today.  I had a coffee at 5pm.  I had a raging headache and for some reason, I thought a coffee was exactly what I needed.  So I drank it. 

Now, I feel back on track.  I am done cheating.  I have no doubt about my ability to stay on my eating plan tomorrow. I am not listening to the hateful Everybodies who want to see me fail.  I'm listening to the people who love me and show me encouragement.  The people who are kind and understanding.  The people who would never want to make me feel like a problem.  And I'm trying to carry them around with me as my new Everybody.

And you know what?  It's working!

Week 10, Day 4. I HAVE A 6AM WAKEUP!

Ok, short blog tonight.
I saw 136.6 today! I was actually nervous when I got on the scale...scared that I hadn't gotten something quite right, and that I was stuck on 137 again. But no! There it was, the number I had hoped to see so many times, on Thursday! That means I should see 135 by Saturday, if not before!

I was so inspired by my number that when I went to the gym I did my Pilates class AND did some high intensity interval work on the Stairmill. I really wanted to increase  my likelihood of seeing 135 (maybe even tomorrow, but that's asking a lot).

Today Amy gave me a supplement (BCAA) for short. Something Chain Amino Acid. She also asked me if I could do Fraser Hill runs at 6am, before I eat and carry on with my day.

I know (or at least I believe it to be true-i hope I remember this correctly) that you get the most bang out of your buck if you do your interval cardio BEFORE BREAKFAST. I had been slipping. Amy hauled me right back up to where I need to be.

So tomorrow, I am waking up at 5:45am, getting to the gym by 6am, warming up, and running those hills. The only tricky part is that I have to be ready to give a presentation at 8:30am. So...I need to be done with my workout and stretch by 7am.

I will have to be able to eat, take a shower, and pack my food for the day all by 8:15am, which is the absolute latest I can leave the house.

Looks like I'm getting up at 5:30am.
Goodnight!

Week 10, Day 3. Overcoming obstacles and familiar fears.

These past two weeks have been  quite the challenge for me. My allergies have gone haywire, and the only relief I got was from sleeping all day, and that didn't even last.

But tonight, I felt like I had a moment in time that changed a little piece of my identity.

I got up this morning for work, feeling crappy as ever, but I knew I had a full day of things to take care of. I didn't run before breakfast, I just simply got up and got ready for work.

Sidenote:
This seemed really bizarre and way too easy. I mean, before I started this exercise and eating plan, it was all I could do to drag myself out of bed by 8:40 and get to work by 9:00 (ok, 9:05...if I'm being generous). Getting to work was one of the most stressful parts of my day, I would inevitably not have time to drink my coffee, so I'd spill it on myself while trying to lug 3 bags and a laptop out of my car and into the building. Oh, it was a nightmare, every single day.
Now, I hope to get my bear runs in before breakfast, which happens at 7am, when I eat on time. So bear runs should start at 6am. (Sidenote in a sidenote: I want to try them again and see if I can do a better job, now that Fraser hill runs have taught me what my heart rate should feel like!). So, my mornings have changed drastically, and most of the time for the better. Now, ask I want to incorporate is time to write down the dreams I had. I should have time for that tomorrow. End sidenote.

Anyway, my point is that I woke up feeling alright, but my day wore me down very quickly. I was just dashing from one thing to the next, and when I left work at 4pm, I was faced with a familiar, ugly set of circumstances:

I'm home from work, and I'm tired,hungry, and I'm also feeling a little under the weather. Therefore, I don't know whether I should eat or nap before class, because I can't do both. And, I'm not looking forward to class tonight, because I'm afraid it will be more than I can handle.

In the past, I simply would have eaten a big meal and feel asleep on the couch, missed my class and felt a huge sense of relief about not going. The nap would be the best nap if my life, naturally, because I did that instead of sweating my brains out at the gym. But that sense of satisfaction and relief would be followed by a hollow sense of failure. I would involuntarily run through the reasons I hadn't succeeded at losing weight, and choosing to miss that  class would only be one thing in a, list of many. I would then start bleeding into all other aspects of my life that I feel less than superb in, and in general start tearing myself down.  As you might imagine, this never helped anything.

So tonight, the decision was different. I was going to class. There were no two ways about that. I told Amy I would be there, and I was going. Plus, I want in such bad shape that I couldn't work out. I just wasn't feeling energized or 100%. My section centered around: Nap? Or food? Of course, my first inclination was to sleep. It would have been such a wonderful nap. But then I thought, "I'll have to eat. That way when I'm done with class I can just go straight to bed if I need to." That was it, no time to spare. I just cooked my food and ate it. End of story.

By the time I was heading to class, I was starting to get really fearful. I left with plenty of time, and once I got there, I was moving so slowly that I was worried I would make a fool out of myself in class.

But, I was definitely doing something different. I was going to a very challenging class when I couldn't be sure I would make it through.  That felt very different than just choosing not to go. I can't say I felt proud of myself before the class started. It was more like I resented myself for being there.

However, I talked to Amy and told her what I was dealing with as far as the allergies and how they were making me feel sick and rundown. I was terrified that I was making excuses for myself. (There was a moment in high school when Richard Simmons' book laid out what you are supposed to eat for breakfast...and he mistakenly said "unless you're a lumberjack or a farmer, you don't need that much food". And lo and behold, I WAS A FARMER! So I needed *that much* food. When I explained this to my friend at the time, she gave me a look that said, "You can't be serious right now, and if you are, you're going to be fat forever because you refuse to face the reality of your situation and what you have to do to change it." Ok, maybe I read into that look a little bit too much, but regardless, at the time, I was fooling myself into a lie so that I  could avoid the hard work. I was creating excuses. And creating excuses feels terrible, and I never want to be there again.)

I'm terrified that deep down, I'm just not cut out for succeeding at something difficult, and any people who would love to see me fail will get to, because I've made it so public.

All that because I wanted to skip a class.

I'm glad it came up though, because it gave me an opportunity to build confidence, to be assured in the fact that I CAN do this, that I AM doing it, and that I am not likely to fail. I'm kind of kicking ass at it, actually *wink*.

Amy reassured me to just do my best, and said, "We'll just see what happens". That's pretty much my attitude too. All I can be sure of in this project is that I will learn a lot about myself. I shared with her that I have a fear of using the relentless allergies as an excuse, and it helped just to have her know that.

So, class began. I was feeling anxious. I did everything the best I could and tried to let go of the anxiety and just be in the present moment, instead of predicting my future demise-which will most likely create my future demise if I keep thinking it.

Before I know it, we're 10 minutes in and already sweat is pouring off my face. That was different, I was sweating more than usual tonight. After awhile, I just got into the groove of the class and concentrated on leaving everything I had on the floor, like they do in Biggest Loser Last Chance Workouts.

In the last 15 minutes of this hour-long class, I really found out what I was capable of. Amy had us do The Dynamic three times in a row, I think. This involves so much jumping that if you had told me I would be doing it (before class), I would have been filled with dread. But here I was, in the midst of it, trying to squat low  jump high, do plank jacks and pushups, do jumps with weights...oh man, it was killer. And I know I left it all there because I started to work to the point that I wanted to throw up. So yay me!

After class, I was so sweaty I wanted to take a picture and frame it. What an accomplishment! I had even gotten over my irritation that my bangs were so thoroughly soaked in sweat that they had been slapping me in the face every time I jumped our did a plank jack. It felt so freeing to not be bothered by that anymore. I definitely came to class feeling irritable and left feeling light with not a care in the world.

I also left with a stronger sense of how capable I am, and a better sense that I will probably not let myself down.

This "giving in when things seem hard" thing is a really familiar place for me to be, and I'm proud to say that tonight, I won the battle for myself, and I have nothing but rewards for all that hard work! No guilt, no doubt, no despair or hopelessness.

Instead, I'm filed with hopefulness, I'm excited to see the scale tomorrow, and I'm motivated to stay on my eating plan. I am also more confident that I will see these belly muscles of mine! What an idea!

I must say, before I go, that Amy also showed me a few quick tricks around the gym that I am definitely going to  work into my schedule. She is fabulous.

Week Nine, Day Five! Time passes.

So this post is about some essential lessons I've learned about losing weight...which really boils down to lessons I've learned about changing.

1.  Time passes, no matter what decision you make.
2.  Don't think about it.  Just do it. (Because time passes, no matter what decision you make.)
3.  Everybody makes sacrifices, just choose the sacrifice you want to make. (Because time passes, no matter what decision you make.)

So, the first one is pretty almighty.
Lesson #1: Time passes, no matter what decision you make.

I've learned this through my diet, mostly.  Every week, Monday comes hard and heavy.  I start a brand new week, I re-start my diet, I take pictures, I take stock of where I'm at.  Every Monday is harder to eat clean than every Saturday.  It seems like such a struggle to get all my meals together.  I yearn for something bad, like Taco Bell and their sorta-beef.  It feels like I have such a long way to go.

Then Friday comes along and INEVITABLY, this thought crosses my mind:  "Holy crap, it's Friday, and I ate clean all week!  That happened fast!"

Of course on Friday, it feels like it happened fast.  Those tiny moments where I think, "Hmmm, will it make a difference if I have just ONE MORE tablespoon of this crunchy, delicious peanut butter?  It's clean food!", they've all but evaporated, and I am just left with results.  Results of employing Lesson #2 (Don't think about it, just do it).  That is, in those moments where I am torn between following the rules or slipping up just a little bit, I attempt to employ that lesson.  I usually stop thinking about it, and just do it (which usually means, PUT THE PEANUT BUTTER DOWN!).

So, every week, I'm reminded that time passes.  And rather quickly, at that.  Actually, it flies.  I can't believe I'm about to start Week 10 of this business.   And with time passing, I've noticed that 31 years of my life have passed, and I've made decisions for 30 of them that were VERY different than the decisions I'm making today.  In fact, this is the first time in my life I have successfully stayed on an eating plan.  It's so easy to look back and realize that all those years that I thought I just wasn't going to be successful at getting the body that I want, that that was just not true.  My impending success at seeing my belly muscles is simply the result of information, support, and making different decisions consistently (and drive, of course, you have to have a reason-I'll get to my reason later).  And that gives you a little peek at Lesson #3 (Everybody makes sacrifices, just choose the sacrifice you want to make.).

I'm really glad I've been learning this "time passing" lesson because it comes in VERY HANDY when I'm working out.  Amy has had me doing Bear Runs to really spike my heart rate and let it come down.  From what I understand, the results of that kind of high intensity interval workout is a 36 hour calorie burn, lengthening of your mitochondria (which is basically a fountain of youth, keeps your metabolism up, helps with skin elasticity, and a whole host of other things I don't know about which probably includes "you will never die!"), and of course, whatever calories you burn in the session is also a result.  The first time I did bear runs, I only did 10.  (Bear Runs are little bursts of running as fast as you can for 30secs-like a bear is chasing you, REALLY chasing you, you're running for your life-and then recover, do it again as many times as you deem necessary.)  That first try was pretty easy.  I mean, I was tired afterward, but counting down from 10 is psychologically very easy.  But this week, I had a goal of 20 bear runs, and that was a total mental challenge.

I got through it by reminding myself that I only has this set amount of time to work out.  Plus, by the time I ran 10 bear runs (and rest periods) away from my house, I HAD to run back or I would be seriously late for work.  So I just kept reminding myself that time was passing.  I could either use that time to maximize the effects of my workout, after I had already worked SO HARD all week long to eat clean to make sure the workout counted.  No matter what I did, time was tick-tick-ticking away.  So I just dove in.

Tonight, I had the same experience, only it was So. Much. Harder.

See, my nutritionist/trainer/awesome support person Amy makes me feel like I have my own Biggest Loser show.  You see, she checks in with me all the time, and the past couple of days, she asked about what I planned to do to workout each day.  I hadn't been doing any strength-training, so she is building that in, but my standard response when I don't have a class at the gym is, "Oh, I just thought I'd do an easy half-hour run."  Today, she played a fun game with me and asked me to pick a number between 10 and 20 (she's totally my Jillian and Bob!).  So, of course, I pick 20.  I can't not.  She tells me that there is this hill near the gym that she wants me to run up and walk down 20 times.  As you might imagine, this hill is no joke.  It is short and steep.  I'll admit, I was very daunted by the idea, but I thought, "As long as I get to walk down, I think I can manage."

She told me to bring my Ipod because it would be a tough mental challenge.  She said that my glycogen stores would be depleted by the 3rd or 4th time I ran up it.  That was a scary thought.  I thought, "She thinks I'm way tougher than I am."  But, nonetheless, I grabbed my stuff, headed to the gym, warmed up for 15 minutes on the elliptical, stretched and then started these runs.  (I have to say, I had an advantage, because I was in bed sleeping most of the day-my workplace has this rampant mold problem, and it has been slowly wearing me down (allergies), but this week, the humidity has been so thick that I couldn't manage anymore.  So, I was in bed, sleeping, waiting for my allergies to calm down since they were no longer exposed to the mold.)

So, I got started.  It only helped that she happens to live on this hill, and told me she'd keep an eye out for me.  The first run up, I thought, "Oh shit.  I can't do this 19 more times."  Then I remembered that time passes, and I only have to perform in the moment that I'm in.  I walked down the hill.  I started again.  On my way back down, Amy stopped out to say hi, and that was very motivational.  I knew she could see me running, so I wanted to do my very best.  I ran up again.  The third time I thought, "I am really in trouble here.  It's HOT!  I just don't know..."  but I walked back down the hill.

Lesson #2:  Don't think about it.  Just do it.

I finally got into this agreement with myself that I would employ the lesson I've learned so thoroughly:  "Don't think about it.  Just do it."  I can't tell you how many times I've heard this in yoga classes, pilates classes, spinning classes, you name it.  Your brain senses pain when you're in yoga or struggle in your breath when you're running and it says, "OH MY GOD STOP YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"  I didn't finally understand how this trips you up until I was taking one of Kerry Bestwick's classes, and she had us doing one-legged squats on a Reformer machine and my leg was screaming in pain.  I tried to squirm out of it anyway I could, and I remember so clearly she said (paraphrasing of course),
Kerry: "Is your leg telling a story?  A story that it's going to fall off if you keep going?"
My thoughts: Why yes, as a matter of fact, I was pretty certain my leg was going to die and fall off if I kept going. 
Kerry:  "It's just a story your mind tells because it wants to stop, but your leg is not going to fall off.  Trust me.  It will just get stronger."

All of a sudden I had this epiphany that I TRULY believed my leg might fall off if I kept going.  Part 2 of the epiphany: That thought isn't true!  And this thought was what was keeping me from having the body I've always wanted: long, lean, and svelte (well, as much of that as you can get at 5'2").  Ever since then, I've tried to listen to hear where my brain is telling me to stop when my body can definitely handle more.  Thoughts are important, and you should always try to direct them, but that's another topic for another day.

So, back to this running up a steep hill 20 times business.  I found that the only time I struggled was starting again.  I mean, don't get me wrong, the steepest part of the hill reduced me to a staggering mess, but I never had thoughts of quitting.  Are you kidding?  Amy could see me!  I could not live with myself if I let myself just give in like that.  I really focused on pulling myself up the hill (see, directing thoughts is important).  And, I made it up every time.  The only place a stuttered, sputtered, and faltered was at the bottom of the hill, deciding to start to run.  I caught myself doing it on maybe Run 4 or 5.  From there on out, every time I got to the bottom of the hill, I just repeated, "Don't think about it.  Just do it."

It wasn't easy, but it blocked out all those thoughts that would have made completion impossible: "I'm tired, it's hot, I'm hungry, I have a block of food in my stomach, Is that heartburn?  My throat's on fire.  I have allergies.  Isn't 15 enough?  Why isn't it cooler out?  Those guys think I'm a heifer.  I'm gonna throw up.  Well not really, but I might if I run that hill again."

Feelings really do follow thought, and as long as I kept my thoughts on Just do it, because time passes no matter what decision you make (so make the right one!), I was able to make that Run #20 up to the top of the hill and feel SUCCESS!  I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but chickened out.  On my way back down, Amy met me and congratulated me on making it happen.  And here's why I love her:  She hugged me.  She hugged me even though I was covered in sweat.  Gotta love that lady.

Finally, I get to lesson #3.

Lesson #3: Everybody makes sacrifices.  Just decide what sacrifice you're going to make.

For the past several days, I have walked around moaning in my head, "Oh, I wish that I could just eat whatever today.  I wish I could eat like everybody else does."  It was an automatic thought and completely did not take into consideration that for 30 years, I HAVE eaten like everyone else does, and it made me unhappy.  Regardless, I continue.

That thought stopped dead in it's tracks today when I saw a woman pulling out of a parking lot while eating fast food.  I'm not picking on anybody's size-God knows it's hard enough for women to feel good about themselves, I don't need to add to that-but I am saying that I would not choose to have that person's body.  And then, DING! my A-ha moment!  Every day that I'm walking around pouting and wishing I could EAT WHATEVER I WANTED...that used to be that every day I would walk around wishing I could WEAR WHATEVER I WANTED!

It stunned me that I never thought of this before.  It is a sacrifice to give up indulging your every whim and desire when it comes to food and choosing not to exercise.  It is also a sacrifice to give up feeling good about your body.  For the past nine weeks, I've chosen my sacrifice.  For the 30 years before that, I let the sacrifice choose me.  I would bow to my cravings.  I would skip working out. And that did not feel good.  While it is difficult to choose to eat clean, it is definitely the choice I will continue to make.  The rewards of choosing to sacrifice are a thousand times bigger and better than letting yourself eat whatever and work out whenever!

In fact, the only reward I can think of from eating whatever you want whenever you want is that painfully short period of time when you are putting the food in your mouth and tasting the first few bites.  The feast is all in the first few bites.  Every bite after that, you habituate to the taste, and it just isn't as exciting.  And maybe another reward is the absence of wishing you could eat whatever.  But that's about it.

The rewards of choosing to sacrifice eating whatever you want?  Amazing!  I'm noticing muscle tone in places I had no expectation of ever having!  I finally have athletic calves!  When I move my arms, I have muscles I can see moving in my chest!  My shoulders have striations.  I can wear sundresses!  I am capable of doing things I never thought of!  (like running up a hill 20 times),  I am wearing a bikini this summer!  I am learning self-discipline!  I am sleeping better!  I am taking MUCH better care of myself!  I can go to California and feel like a California girl!  I can go to the beach and wear a bikini and not be self-conscious!  I am more confident!  Yes...those results are way worth the occasional, "Wish I could have that, but it's not on my diet."

And that, my friends, is the end of the post about the lessons I've learned.  I have one more day of eating clean and then my cheat day is on Sunday!  And this week, I'm going to follow the guidelines!  No repeat of eating 5 Guys at 8:30pm.  That means slower results, and I work way too hard to slow down my results. :)

Now...for the visual rewards of time passing...

I forgot...tanning is a great way to notice how time passes too. :)

Here are the rest of the pics for this week.