Week 29, Day 6. I have no idea why I said yesterday was day 9.

I am happy to report that I ate clean all day today!

Here's how my day went. I woke up at 7:15am to my phone alerting me that someone had done something on Facebook worthy of an alert. I looked, and it was someone encouraging me with a wakeup call! This was actually more than fantastic, because I had, in no doubt a self-sabotaging attempt, NOT set an alarm. So I set it for 7:45am and went back to sleep. I hit snooze every five minutes after that until 9am.

I was tired.

I did make it to the gym, though! All I wanted to do was rock out! I had this overwhelming urge to dying for hours until I got over it. But I don't just mean sing. I mean sing at the top of my lungs INTENSE kind of singing.

When I got on the elliptical, I realized my urge wasn't necessarily about singing, but about doing something hard, something with intensity. In short,  my body was trying to  tell me it missed those intensity workouts. That was pretty cool.

Actually, it was pretty awesome because when I got to the gym, I was still super groggy and thought I might just take it easy today. My brain was saying  both: "You did not eat clean today. You should do an interval workout because you will jump on the opportunity to burn lots of fat. You may not have the same opportunity tomorrow" and "I don't feel like it. Isn't it equally important to only do what FEELS good, you know, so that I'll want to come back tomorrow?"

Guess which voice I thought sounded like the "wiser" option? 

But, as I started working out and listening to Kelly Clarkson's Mr. Know It All, I remembered that you shouldn't let your feelings guide your behavior in situations like these, because in all actuality, your FEELINGS are a RESULT of the BEHAVIOR you have been doing. If you change your behavior, your feelings will follow.

Just as I was getting into this train of thought (I had completed 5 pops), my phone rang. It was work. I was supposed to be there 10 minutes ago. So, I stopped my workout, 75% relieved, 25% disappointed.

I went home, made my breakfast, got ready and went back to work, thinking I would go to the gym between shifts.

Well that didn't happen. I ate breakfast at 11am (5 egg whites, 1 yolk, 1/2 cup oatmeal-measured before cooking, with blueberries and a Saint's coffee.) I ate lunch at 3pm (6oz chicken, lots of spinach, cabbage, bok choy, broccoli, and two scoops of sesame oil, 1 cup brown rice), and I finally took a break from 3:45pm-5pm. We were actually pretty busy today, and so the day flew by.

I tried to take a nap. That was a giant fail.

I went back in at 5pm, and we were busy again.  For waiting tables, this was a very good thing. 

I ate my last meal around 7:30pm. 6 egg whites, 1 yolk and a giant spoonful of peanut butter, which was delicious. I tried to drink all the water I'm supposed to, but I'm sure I fell short of that.

Oh well. I'm very happy with the job I did today. And I decided to let go if the gym. My opportunity to get my workout in was before work, and I did the best that I could.

Also, I weighed in at 130.8 today- which amazes me because yesterday I thought I had put all my weight back on.

Tomorrow, the goals are the same. I need to add visualization to my list of things to complete in a day though.

Well it's 12:12am. So goodnight!

Week 29, Day 9. I'm getting my act together.

I just found out that I haven't blogged for almost a month. I guess I wasn't joking when I said, "Time passes, no matter what decision you make."
I can't believe it's been that long!
A lot of things have happened in that month that threw me off course.  But I'm learning that I chose to let them throw me off course.
I remember when I first started this plan, I had absolute determination. And I wasn't even losing much weight at first. I was just absolutely determined to not look the way I looked and feel the way I felt anymore.  Well, somewhere along the way, I let go of that, and I have every intention of getting it back.
I could list the things I haven't been doing, but it would be quicker to say that I just haven't followed the plan. I haven't been eating clean, I haven't been eating on time, I haven't been eating consistently. I haven't been working out every day, and I haven't been getting regular sleep.  Well I guess I couldn't stand to not say what I haven't been doing.

Today was interesting. I really just wanted to relax. I got very disturbed sleep Wednesday night, and I think it might have caught up with me today because I did not feel like doing anything. I don't even know why I didn't go to the gym. I lied to myself, thinking, "you won't have any time to work on the things you need to work on if you go to the gym."  However, I never actually did a stitch of work. Except for my shift at the Green Bowl, where it's questionable if you could call what I did there work.

Anyway, I couldn't focus today. I was tired. I wanted a break. I wanted to sleep forever.

I ate clean for breakfast, but I did have a cup of coffee with creamer. I'm going to have to throw that creamer out. It's the only way.

I'll have to write that down so I remember.

When I finally left my house, I went to the coffee shop and ordered another coffee (this was 3 hours later) and a wheat bagel with cream cheese. THIS IS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.

Then I gave up trying to do work. After all, all I was doing was watching youtube videos of songs I love and wishing I could sing them.  So I left and sang my little heart out until I went to Green Bowl for my shift.

But I was so painfully tired and wanting to do anything but work! I just wanted some of my own time back! It was such a hard shift for me to get through, but I really need any extra cash I can get my hands on so I really wish I could get my urges to cooperate with me. I need my body to WANT to work. As Martha Beck would say, my essential self. My social self is saying, "You need to work because you need the money, and it would be good if you didn't piss off your coworkers while you're at work, too." My essential self is saying, "I can't take it! Give me something! Can I listen to music? Dance? Sing? Give me sugar, then. Alcohol?"

Anyway, I lost the fight with my essential self. I ate a bowl with ruins of sauce, some noodles, lots of vegetables, and white rice. I also had diet soda afterward because I was so tired (because I ate the sugar).

Then I came home and are Cool Whip directly out of the container. That may have been a better option than my original plan, which was to go to Dunkin Donuts and get 2 donuts. That plan was foiled through no fault of my own. I went, and it did not appear that DD had any donuts, plus the girls in front of me were taking ENTIRELY too long, so I just left before I killed someone for a donut.

The really important thing that happened today was that I started to feel ashamed of the way I look again. I started trying to suck in my belly again, in hopes it would make me look skinnier.

I hate the way that feels.

I know I can do the work to make myself look GREAT and not feel like I have to suck in my belly or be ashamed of it.

First step: make a chart.
Which I did, for the next 6 days. It includes: Get to the gym before work. Eat clean. Eat at least 4 meals per day. Blog. Be in bed by 9:30 or 30 min after you get home if you are working a long day.

Second step: make little rewards for yourself for every day that you folie the plan. I don't know what they will be yet. But I'm thinking maybe buy myself something really little.

Third step: Think of a big reward for doing all six days. I'm thinking I might buy clothes. That would be pretty awesome.

Fourth Step: Throw out the creamer. It is the only way. *i just took a minute and dumped the creamer*

Fifth step: Hulk Shakes. I even have the ingredients. I'll have to make some tomorrow and lean on it.

Sixth step: Fill my fridge. There's something about the emptiness in my fridge right now that is making me feel deprived or something.

And how am I going to stay on track? Check in with Amy. I haven't been leaning on her as much lately because I obviously haven't been as focused.

Another thing...I can't stay up all night blogging.  Sleep is important!

So goodnight!