I've gotta write fast cause its past my bedtime, but I got my stuff in order today. A few things were a little out of whack because of my cheat day, and today, they were finally righted. Phew!
Anyway, I did my workout this morning and totally found my sweet spot in cardio. Yesterday, I was working way too hard. At least I shocked my body! Today, I ran at 5.0, and it's really a mental challenge more than anything else. I eventually found this rhythm and started envisioning walking across the stage and striking a pose like Amy did in October 2012. It made me feel strong and really made me keep going. But it was EASIER. Anyway, that was unadulterated joy. That place. Hope I get there again.
But the highlight of my day was when Amy surprised me with a gift for all my hard work! It's been exactly 1 month, exactly phase 1!!! It totally made my day and reminded me to make the time to celebrate. I am truly grateful for the awesome people in my life. And I need to PAY IT FORWARD! It meant so much to me that she thought of me...I wanna give that...well back first ;), but also...who can I reach out to, celebrate for? I will find out.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Day 30, Week 5. The Start of Phase 2.
I have a goal tonight of being asleep by 9:30pm. Seeing as it's 9:17pm, I better hurry the hell up.
Long day today. Kicked it off with lifting and a half-hour of running on a treadmill and panting and snorking water like...I don't know...a really awkward girl next to a cute guy. Whatever. I owned it. Ha. No. No I didn't. But I DID IT! And, it totally kicked my ass so hard I can't even believe it. I only ran at 5.5mph, then 5.0. I guess I haven't run for a half hour in a long time though.
My main issue today is that for some reason after meal #3 (well, my meals get much smaller, first of all), I am super hungry...so from about 4pm on, it's all I can do to just NOT EAT the food that is in front of me. Tonight, I was sitting in front of lemon bars and some cranberry-apple crisp concoction from Trader Joe's. I know hunger is part of the equation here...duh, that's how you burn fat. But, when you let yourself get too hungry for too long, well, that's how you hang onto fat. So. I'm trying to figure out where I stand on that.
In other news, I got murderously angry around 5pm when I couldn't find the material I KNEW I DIDN'T LOSE, and came swiftly to the conclusion that someone else took it without my knowledge or permission. Then I found it, buried under a stack of papers. I really gotta stop looking outside myself for people to blame.
Speaking of which, I gotta hit the sack, or I'll find someone to blame. :)
Long day today. Kicked it off with lifting and a half-hour of running on a treadmill and panting and snorking water like...I don't know...a really awkward girl next to a cute guy. Whatever. I owned it. Ha. No. No I didn't. But I DID IT! And, it totally kicked my ass so hard I can't even believe it. I only ran at 5.5mph, then 5.0. I guess I haven't run for a half hour in a long time though.
My main issue today is that for some reason after meal #3 (well, my meals get much smaller, first of all), I am super hungry...so from about 4pm on, it's all I can do to just NOT EAT the food that is in front of me. Tonight, I was sitting in front of lemon bars and some cranberry-apple crisp concoction from Trader Joe's. I know hunger is part of the equation here...duh, that's how you burn fat. But, when you let yourself get too hungry for too long, well, that's how you hang onto fat. So. I'm trying to figure out where I stand on that.
In other news, I got murderously angry around 5pm when I couldn't find the material I KNEW I DIDN'T LOSE, and came swiftly to the conclusion that someone else took it without my knowledge or permission. Then I found it, buried under a stack of papers. I really gotta stop looking outside myself for people to blame.
Speaking of which, I gotta hit the sack, or I'll find someone to blame. :)
Monday, January 28, 2013
Day 28. Double workout!
Today was pretty awesome. I got a great pops workout in---working at 13 (!!!) on the stairmill! I managed to do my hair and makeup before work, and while I hate that it is a colossal waste of time, I can't help but appreciate how good I feel about myself on the days I do it. So, maybe it's not a waste.
I managed to have a surprise day in the office because of school cancellations and got a huge task off of my desk that has been lingering since Jan 7.
Finally, I got my second workout in and I took responsibility for making it count.
It's 7:30pm now and if I hurry, I can get my episode of Breaking Bad in!
I managed to have a surprise day in the office because of school cancellations and got a huge task off of my desk that has been lingering since Jan 7.
Finally, I got my second workout in and I took responsibility for making it count.
It's 7:30pm now and if I hurry, I can get my episode of Breaking Bad in!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Day 27. I'm beat.
I've been trying to watch an episode of Breaking Bad since 5pm today. However, I had things that needed to be done. I absolutely needed to get my food prepped for the week. That's non-negotiable. That goes before SLEEP and certainly before watching a tv show. But then, I realized I needed to order more protein shake and glutamine, and then I realized I needed to track a couple of workouts and it wouldn't hurt me to write out a couple of workouts either. Oh, and I needed to pack my bags for tomorrow---the gym AND work...and blah. Here I am. 8:25pm, realizing I ALSO need to write my blog.
In good news, I had my cheat meal and it was finally one that the timing felt right about. For the first three or four weeks, I couldn't figure it out, but any day that WASN'T my cheat meal day, I really wanted to cheat. Well. That's not true. I would fantasize about cheating on those days, but it was absolutely not an option. Then, on the day that my cheat meal came around, I wasn't interested.
Today, I may have overdone it. Or maybe I did it just right. We'll find out. Either way, I'm finding that one meal, and one day even, isn't going to make or break this plan.
First, in the morning, I ate five egg whites even before my coffee because I woke up so damned hungry!!! Then, I did my writing, and in the middle of writing, got the craziest urge to purge all the things in my room and closet that I am hanging onto that I don't really need. That felt really good. Unfortunately, I can't find the place to throw my bags of clothes into the donation box. So I have 3 bags of clothes sitting in the backseat of my car.
Oh well. At least they're not in the closet. Worst case scenario, I'll throw them away. I went to the gym feeling impatient about my workout because I was doing laundry at the same time. I really don't like doing laundry AT ALL. The only pleasant way I've found to do laundry is if I can watch an episode of something while it washes and dries. I hate everything about laundry. I hate sorting, I hate moving wet clothes, I don't hate folding, but I do wish it would put itself away. So. Going to the gym isn't the cure yet. But, as I know, do something often enough and you will start to look forward to it. So. At the gym, I just kind of played around. I wanted to be able to do "active rests" when Phase 3 rolls around. The workouts look involved and like you do weird exercises, but I'm finding that's not really the case. The weirdest exercise is doing a long jump 10 times in a row. As long as I go when the downstairs classroom is empty I can use that space. I can even do walking lunges down there.
Anyway, I had a crazy busy weekend, and I need my rest. So, I'm done here. Onward!
In good news, I had my cheat meal and it was finally one that the timing felt right about. For the first three or four weeks, I couldn't figure it out, but any day that WASN'T my cheat meal day, I really wanted to cheat. Well. That's not true. I would fantasize about cheating on those days, but it was absolutely not an option. Then, on the day that my cheat meal came around, I wasn't interested.
Today, I may have overdone it. Or maybe I did it just right. We'll find out. Either way, I'm finding that one meal, and one day even, isn't going to make or break this plan.
First, in the morning, I ate five egg whites even before my coffee because I woke up so damned hungry!!! Then, I did my writing, and in the middle of writing, got the craziest urge to purge all the things in my room and closet that I am hanging onto that I don't really need. That felt really good. Unfortunately, I can't find the place to throw my bags of clothes into the donation box. So I have 3 bags of clothes sitting in the backseat of my car.
Oh well. At least they're not in the closet. Worst case scenario, I'll throw them away. I went to the gym feeling impatient about my workout because I was doing laundry at the same time. I really don't like doing laundry AT ALL. The only pleasant way I've found to do laundry is if I can watch an episode of something while it washes and dries. I hate everything about laundry. I hate sorting, I hate moving wet clothes, I don't hate folding, but I do wish it would put itself away. So. Going to the gym isn't the cure yet. But, as I know, do something often enough and you will start to look forward to it. So. At the gym, I just kind of played around. I wanted to be able to do "active rests" when Phase 3 rolls around. The workouts look involved and like you do weird exercises, but I'm finding that's not really the case. The weirdest exercise is doing a long jump 10 times in a row. As long as I go when the downstairs classroom is empty I can use that space. I can even do walking lunges down there.
Anyway, I had a crazy busy weekend, and I need my rest. So, I'm done here. Onward!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Day 26. Great day!
It's 8:30pm on a Saturday and I'm in bed because I need the sleep! I had a great day today. Yoga was fantastic, definitely pushed my comfort level. At times, sweat was falling out of my pores! I would say pouring sweat, but that saves you from the visual of me doing down dog with sweat running from my chest down my neck and dripping off from my nose, chin, and cheekbones. Get the picture?
It was a great core workout. I hope I feel it tomorrow.
I also managed to fit my lifting in today after yoga, something I've never done before. I was so excited to see Amy at the gym Sat morning-I dont usually, and i really wanted to point at my belly across the gym to say, OMG LOOK HOW MUCH FAT I BURNT FROM HERE!!! However, attention whore that I may be, I didn't want to draw attention to my belly fat. I do have to say though, it is INCREDIBLE how fast I am burning this fat this time. You know, people say it takes 21 days to create a habit, but that has not been my experience. The first time around, I wasn't ready or willing (or something) to control my portions or HOW MUCH I cheated. This time, which is probably the fourth honest effort I've made, I've mentally prepared myself, and I'm seeing the results. It's just that it is a process. It has taken me over a year and a half to establish some new habits, and I feel like that's a realistic timeframe for a lifestyle change. Anyway, didn't matter that I didn't flag Amy down because of course she noticed anyway. This is all so exciting!!!
My reward today was finally getting my hair cut at Designers Den. I've had a gift card forever, but they do not expire...yet when I went to pay, it didn't work. I had a feeling that would happen, but hopefully it will all get sorted out.
Anyway, the rest of the day was relaxing except for Wegman's. Why is Wegman's always a MADHOUSE!?!? Why can't they make their aisles easier to navigate?!? I may or may not have lost my patience a time or two and buzzed right through a bunch of Sunday drivers, who were blocking the way, making no discernible decisions, hanging around. Seriously, a grocery store is not where i hang out. I've got shit to do, folks. Move it or lose it.
Ok end rant. I probably should not go to Wegman's at 1pm on Saturday anymore. I turn pretty hostile, impatient, and intolerant. It's stressing me out just thinking about it.
After that I got to relax and debrief with my friend all afternoon. That's always a welcome treat. But by 6pm, I was worn out. Yoga usually does that to me.
So, I came home, did a few things for myself, and now I'm ready for Breaking Bad and bed. I might be developing a cold sore, so I definitely need the sleep!
Hosted by Maybelle, who is doing her thing she does: she likes to reach out and just touch me with one paw while she falls asleep. Lol makes me smile.
It was a great core workout. I hope I feel it tomorrow.
I also managed to fit my lifting in today after yoga, something I've never done before. I was so excited to see Amy at the gym Sat morning-I dont usually, and i really wanted to point at my belly across the gym to say, OMG LOOK HOW MUCH FAT I BURNT FROM HERE!!! However, attention whore that I may be, I didn't want to draw attention to my belly fat. I do have to say though, it is INCREDIBLE how fast I am burning this fat this time. You know, people say it takes 21 days to create a habit, but that has not been my experience. The first time around, I wasn't ready or willing (or something) to control my portions or HOW MUCH I cheated. This time, which is probably the fourth honest effort I've made, I've mentally prepared myself, and I'm seeing the results. It's just that it is a process. It has taken me over a year and a half to establish some new habits, and I feel like that's a realistic timeframe for a lifestyle change. Anyway, didn't matter that I didn't flag Amy down because of course she noticed anyway. This is all so exciting!!!
My reward today was finally getting my hair cut at Designers Den. I've had a gift card forever, but they do not expire...yet when I went to pay, it didn't work. I had a feeling that would happen, but hopefully it will all get sorted out.
Anyway, the rest of the day was relaxing except for Wegman's. Why is Wegman's always a MADHOUSE!?!? Why can't they make their aisles easier to navigate?!? I may or may not have lost my patience a time or two and buzzed right through a bunch of Sunday drivers, who were blocking the way, making no discernible decisions, hanging around. Seriously, a grocery store is not where i hang out. I've got shit to do, folks. Move it or lose it.
Ok end rant. I probably should not go to Wegman's at 1pm on Saturday anymore. I turn pretty hostile, impatient, and intolerant. It's stressing me out just thinking about it.
After that I got to relax and debrief with my friend all afternoon. That's always a welcome treat. But by 6pm, I was worn out. Yoga usually does that to me.
So, I came home, did a few things for myself, and now I'm ready for Breaking Bad and bed. I might be developing a cold sore, so I definitely need the sleep!
Hosted by Maybelle, who is doing her thing she does: she likes to reach out and just touch me with one paw while she falls asleep. Lol makes me smile.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Day 25. Friday. Insert weak celebration here.
Every Friday I find myself more worn out than I can believe. All I want to do is lay on the couch and watch television.
That's where I'm at now, except I'm in bed because I have yoga in the morning.
I'm a little concerned that I won't have enough downtime this weekend. It will be filled with cooking, cleaning, working out and done projects of my own. But I really need some rest and relaxation. Hmmm. I can write while I cook at least.
Good day today. Found out my IDEAL time for arriving at the gym is 6:45am. I want to start the practice if wearing makeup every day, even though I think it is a colossal waste of time. But, the idea came to me when I had the thought: I brush my teeth before bed (as opposed to skipping it) because 3 whole minutes of brushing my teeth yields more benefits than 3 whole minutes of sleeping.
I think showing up looking polished every day is probably worth the 45 minutes to an HOUR that it takes me to shower, do hair and makeup. No. No, actually I don't think that. But NOT looking polished could hurt me sometimes. I'm too tired to do this anymore. I am getting my hair cut tomorrow! Yay!
That's where I'm at now, except I'm in bed because I have yoga in the morning.
I'm a little concerned that I won't have enough downtime this weekend. It will be filled with cooking, cleaning, working out and done projects of my own. But I really need some rest and relaxation. Hmmm. I can write while I cook at least.
Good day today. Found out my IDEAL time for arriving at the gym is 6:45am. I want to start the practice if wearing makeup every day, even though I think it is a colossal waste of time. But, the idea came to me when I had the thought: I brush my teeth before bed (as opposed to skipping it) because 3 whole minutes of brushing my teeth yields more benefits than 3 whole minutes of sleeping.
I think showing up looking polished every day is probably worth the 45 minutes to an HOUR that it takes me to shower, do hair and makeup. No. No, actually I don't think that. But NOT looking polished could hurt me sometimes. I'm too tired to do this anymore. I am getting my hair cut tomorrow! Yay!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Day 24! Another dollar another day.
I can't believe another week is almost over. I'm so proud of myself for making it through Amy's class last night and getting some much needed sleep. I got up at 6am today, which is not typical. I normally get out of bed at 5:00-5:30am, but last night I slept funny. I was exhausted, and fell asleep probably by 10pm, only to wake up 20 minutes later, feeling rested. I went back to sleep and woke up again at 1:30am. Again, thinking that it was time to get up. Then, when my alarm went off at 5am, it was the most unwelcome sound in the world. I don't know what that was about, but I was glad I could sleep in until 6am today.
So, I got up and did my thing. I REALLY love my coffee and writing routine in the morning. It is actually something I prefer to sleeping, and that's saying something. I continued my routine right to the gym, where I am more and more unable to tolerate dragging two big bags to the gym. Today, I decided, I would upgrade.
Anyway, at the gym, I really could take my time. I didn't have to be anywhere until 1pm, so I did. But that meant I took potty breaks and didn't wear down my muscles (tris and chest) like I should. So I ended up doing lots of extra sets and just generally not making the best use of my time. Although, the leisurely pace was a welcome change. I even added 3 sets of bicep curls because I felt I robbed myself of them yesterday.
Speaking of yesterday, I forgot about a reward I gave myself! Immediately after the gym, I went to meet someone to talk about personal development stuff (I LOVE THAT STUFF!). Anyway, as I was sitting in Saint's shivering, all I could think about was how nice it would be to take a long hot shower. Who would think that could be a reward??? But it totally was. I think I had the best shower of my life yesterday! Lol. I was really cold to the bone. That shower was fantastic.
Anyway, today my reward was a little shopping spree to get a new bag. I also needed a new shirt, because after my shower, I realized I didn't bring a shirt for work. Anyway. I ended up getting a new bag, a shirt, a pair of pants, tights, socks and a towel. It felt awesome.
I had a great day today and followed my plan even though people complained about my kale shake. Which reminds me...need to buy more kale tonight. :)
So, I got up and did my thing. I REALLY love my coffee and writing routine in the morning. It is actually something I prefer to sleeping, and that's saying something. I continued my routine right to the gym, where I am more and more unable to tolerate dragging two big bags to the gym. Today, I decided, I would upgrade.
Anyway, at the gym, I really could take my time. I didn't have to be anywhere until 1pm, so I did. But that meant I took potty breaks and didn't wear down my muscles (tris and chest) like I should. So I ended up doing lots of extra sets and just generally not making the best use of my time. Although, the leisurely pace was a welcome change. I even added 3 sets of bicep curls because I felt I robbed myself of them yesterday.
Speaking of yesterday, I forgot about a reward I gave myself! Immediately after the gym, I went to meet someone to talk about personal development stuff (I LOVE THAT STUFF!). Anyway, as I was sitting in Saint's shivering, all I could think about was how nice it would be to take a long hot shower. Who would think that could be a reward??? But it totally was. I think I had the best shower of my life yesterday! Lol. I was really cold to the bone. That shower was fantastic.
Anyway, today my reward was a little shopping spree to get a new bag. I also needed a new shirt, because after my shower, I realized I didn't bring a shirt for work. Anyway. I ended up getting a new bag, a shirt, a pair of pants, tights, socks and a towel. It felt awesome.
I had a great day today and followed my plan even though people complained about my kale shake. Which reminds me...need to buy more kale tonight. :)
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Day 23! Rewards!
I noticed yesterday that in the middle of my 12 hour work day (bookended by a 5am wake up and knowing I wouldn't get to bed until 10pm if I was lucky) that I needed something. I was feeling stressed, drained, irritable, and I wanted NO ONE TO SPEAK TO ME. This is atypical, to say the least.
So I stopped at Barnes and Noble, because it was calling my name. I picked up several books until I landed on one that caught my interest, and I pored over it until I felt better. Then, I went on with my day.
Today, I noticed that same need for space. I just wanted to be invisible. I wanted people to FORGET MY NAME. Just at work, though, I realize now. This did not extend to saying hi to friends or even having a meeting about personal development this morning.
So tonight, I rewarded myself with lots of alone time.
It occurred to me today that in the past, I would have EATEN when I felt those moods. It didn't even occur to me to EAT in order to feel better. I guess that's just part of the deal, though. Feed your body predictably, and you're able to nurture yourself instead if medicate with food.
I had a double workout day today! I had a rough time fitting all if my lifting in because of my 8am meeting...I really need to rethink what I sign up for. That was not realistic from the start. Anyway, I did get my lifting done, I DID eat consistently today, and I did my best in Amy's class, although I was making quite a few excuses for myself during it: Oh I'm tired! Oh, I'm emotionally depleted! Oh I CAN'T! And, I noticed that those thoughts really made me underperform.
At one point we were doing push-ups and I finally felt really strong because, on my knees, I can lower all the way to the floor, and I remember cranking out push-ups like it was nothing...but it was definitely all in what I was telling myself.
I was also really bagging on myself-the way I look, especially my stomach. I carry so much fat around my middle, it's almost comical. I have these muscly shoulders and arms, skinny legs, for the most part, and then this belly that makes me look 5 months pregnant. I couldn't stop staring and wondering, "Why? Why haven't I lost this weight yet? This is embarrassing. I look terrible. Other people have to look at me. I should have worn something so they don't have to see my belly fat move."
I do not normally feel this way or talk to myself this way. I'm not sure what's going on there. Instead of focusing on how much my body has adjusted, just from the first week of Amy's class, forget about lifting, just the improvements in this class--no I was focusing on the area I feel most vulnerable about, and labeling myself a failure because of it.
So, by the end of class, I decided to appreciate what changes I could notice. I noticed that I can actually touch my back knee to the ground on a lunge. My balance is improving. I'm figuring out the dance moves. I can tolerate a lot more burning in my muscle than I used to. All these things represent growth and change, and I need to remember to celebrate, not cut myself down.
I also noticed the "you won't lose anymore fat" fear creep in tonight.
I know that is wrong.
My diet is awesome, and I'm shocking my body on a regular basis. The inches will come off, slowly but surely. And meanwhile I am building healthy habits I have always wanted to maintain, but wasn't sure I ever could.
Plus, I have awesome, encouraging people in my corner. :)
So I stopped at Barnes and Noble, because it was calling my name. I picked up several books until I landed on one that caught my interest, and I pored over it until I felt better. Then, I went on with my day.
Today, I noticed that same need for space. I just wanted to be invisible. I wanted people to FORGET MY NAME. Just at work, though, I realize now. This did not extend to saying hi to friends or even having a meeting about personal development this morning.
So tonight, I rewarded myself with lots of alone time.
It occurred to me today that in the past, I would have EATEN when I felt those moods. It didn't even occur to me to EAT in order to feel better. I guess that's just part of the deal, though. Feed your body predictably, and you're able to nurture yourself instead if medicate with food.
I had a double workout day today! I had a rough time fitting all if my lifting in because of my 8am meeting...I really need to rethink what I sign up for. That was not realistic from the start. Anyway, I did get my lifting done, I DID eat consistently today, and I did my best in Amy's class, although I was making quite a few excuses for myself during it: Oh I'm tired! Oh, I'm emotionally depleted! Oh I CAN'T! And, I noticed that those thoughts really made me underperform.
At one point we were doing push-ups and I finally felt really strong because, on my knees, I can lower all the way to the floor, and I remember cranking out push-ups like it was nothing...but it was definitely all in what I was telling myself.
I was also really bagging on myself-the way I look, especially my stomach. I carry so much fat around my middle, it's almost comical. I have these muscly shoulders and arms, skinny legs, for the most part, and then this belly that makes me look 5 months pregnant. I couldn't stop staring and wondering, "Why? Why haven't I lost this weight yet? This is embarrassing. I look terrible. Other people have to look at me. I should have worn something so they don't have to see my belly fat move."
I do not normally feel this way or talk to myself this way. I'm not sure what's going on there. Instead of focusing on how much my body has adjusted, just from the first week of Amy's class, forget about lifting, just the improvements in this class--no I was focusing on the area I feel most vulnerable about, and labeling myself a failure because of it.
So, by the end of class, I decided to appreciate what changes I could notice. I noticed that I can actually touch my back knee to the ground on a lunge. My balance is improving. I'm figuring out the dance moves. I can tolerate a lot more burning in my muscle than I used to. All these things represent growth and change, and I need to remember to celebrate, not cut myself down.
I also noticed the "you won't lose anymore fat" fear creep in tonight.
I know that is wrong.
My diet is awesome, and I'm shocking my body on a regular basis. The inches will come off, slowly but surely. And meanwhile I am building healthy habits I have always wanted to maintain, but wasn't sure I ever could.
Plus, I have awesome, encouraging people in my corner. :)
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Day 22, Am I Really in Week 4?
Tuesdays and Thursdays are my long days because I teach until 9pm at night and that really kills any downtime I have before going to bed...but I'm doing my blog anyway. I am SO AMAZED at how fast I am burning fat!!! I have these awesomely muscly shoulders, and just today I noticed that I must have burnt an entire pound off of my butt! It feels so amazing to make a decision to change something about yourself and then watch it happen.
I also managed to get AWESOME sleep last night. Let's hope for that again tonight.
I turned a new leaf this week (seems to be happening a lot lately), and stopped pan-frying my cod. It is delicious to pan-fry it in olive oil, and I thought a little fat actually HELPS burn fat, but Jamie Eason said absolutely DO NOT DO THIS. Of course, Amy told me not to cook it in oil either, but for some reason I need to hear this message (or any message, for that sake) several times before it sinks in. I can't tell you how many times Amy told me to lift weights, and I didn't. Although I didn't know what to do. Once I got my 12-week plan, I became a monster at lifting!!!
Anyway, I'm baking my cod now, and I'm even able to eat 5 times a day, although the last two meals are usually: protein and kale shake, then just protein. I don't know if that's the best arrangement.
I'm also thinking I need a new system for the gym in the morning. I always bring in two bags: One carries all my shower stuff, clothes, shoes, makeup and towel. The other carries my purse, water bottle, muscle martini drink, eggs and oatmeal, headphones, and attachment for my phone. I feel clunky coming to the gym with two huge bags and hit both doors on my way in. I'm surprised I don't take somebody out as I walk down the walkway. I'd like a sleeker bag...but let's face it, I'm carrying a lot of stuff, and I use it all! I could rent a locker, but that wouldn't really solve the problem...I'd need to wash my towel, and I still need to bring food, drinks, and clothes every day. I guess I'll sleep on it for now.
I also managed to get AWESOME sleep last night. Let's hope for that again tonight.
I turned a new leaf this week (seems to be happening a lot lately), and stopped pan-frying my cod. It is delicious to pan-fry it in olive oil, and I thought a little fat actually HELPS burn fat, but Jamie Eason said absolutely DO NOT DO THIS. Of course, Amy told me not to cook it in oil either, but for some reason I need to hear this message (or any message, for that sake) several times before it sinks in. I can't tell you how many times Amy told me to lift weights, and I didn't. Although I didn't know what to do. Once I got my 12-week plan, I became a monster at lifting!!!
Anyway, I'm baking my cod now, and I'm even able to eat 5 times a day, although the last two meals are usually: protein and kale shake, then just protein. I don't know if that's the best arrangement.
I'm also thinking I need a new system for the gym in the morning. I always bring in two bags: One carries all my shower stuff, clothes, shoes, makeup and towel. The other carries my purse, water bottle, muscle martini drink, eggs and oatmeal, headphones, and attachment for my phone. I feel clunky coming to the gym with two huge bags and hit both doors on my way in. I'm surprised I don't take somebody out as I walk down the walkway. I'd like a sleeker bag...but let's face it, I'm carrying a lot of stuff, and I use it all! I could rent a locker, but that wouldn't really solve the problem...I'd need to wash my towel, and I still need to bring food, drinks, and clothes every day. I guess I'll sleep on it for now.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Day 21. In bed early!
I didn't get good sleep last night, and had a stressful day, and you know, I never even considered falling off my plan. It just isn't an option.
I did my pops this morning and surprised myself. I wasn't feeling particularly pumped, but I managed to crank it up a notch in the stair mill and the treadmill.
15 pops in all.
Then at 5:30 I did Kerry's class and got a solid sweat on. I LOVE that when my muscles are working they pump up. I never really KNEW that! Tonight, I could see a simple in the front of my shoulder!!! It's kind of awesome.
Well, my reward is Breaking Bad. Then bed. Another big day tomorrow.
I did my pops this morning and surprised myself. I wasn't feeling particularly pumped, but I managed to crank it up a notch in the stair mill and the treadmill.
15 pops in all.
Then at 5:30 I did Kerry's class and got a solid sweat on. I LOVE that when my muscles are working they pump up. I never really KNEW that! Tonight, I could see a simple in the front of my shoulder!!! It's kind of awesome.
Well, my reward is Breaking Bad. Then bed. Another big day tomorrow.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Day 20. Emotionally depleted.
I had a tough day today. I only ate 3 times: eggs before workout, eggs and oatmeal after, and then my cheat meal, which was steak, potatoes, rice, and bread. Although I didn't eat that much because I'm just a little heartbroken at the moment.
I'm sure I didn't do everything I wanted to do today, but I did do all my food prep, laundry and dishes.
Today is just another lesson in yoga: embrace the temporary pain for some permanent growth.
Whatever. I'm not cheery. Going to bed as soon as these turkey muffins are done.
I'm sure I didn't do everything I wanted to do today, but I did do all my food prep, laundry and dishes.
Today is just another lesson in yoga: embrace the temporary pain for some permanent growth.
Whatever. I'm not cheery. Going to bed as soon as these turkey muffins are done.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Day 19. It's late, busy day.
Today is Saturday and that means yoga. Nothing got in my way, and I went to class fed and partially rehydrated from my very dry apartment. I definitely met my goal of holding a shake longer than I thought I could. I was super proud of how I did.
I knew that later on in the day, I would need to do a shoulder/abs workout, but I was a little concerned because my chest and legs are still sore, and I didn't know if I was approaching over-training from lifting every single day for over two weeks.
I wasn't sure, so I asked Amy...who told me listen to my body, and that it was ok to take a day off. Ironically, that permission all of a sudden CHANGED my mind about whether or not I needed a day off. Suddenly, I felt like my body could handle it.
However, at 4:30pm, I was offered a shift at Green Bowl, and considering the fact that I just spend $100 on groceries for the WEEK, and just bought a new pair of headphones (thanks to Maybelle), the smartest thing I could do was take the shift. So, I ended up not lifting after all.
Tomorrow I will have to mix up getting my shoulders worked and practice a phase 3 workout.
Anyway, I'm doing great on this plan, I'm eating like a machine and I'm burning fat like a torch. I finally understand the thing I've heard a hundred times, "When I started lifting weights, the fat just melted away." You betcha.
Well it's super late and I wanna watch Breaking Bad, so good night!
I knew that later on in the day, I would need to do a shoulder/abs workout, but I was a little concerned because my chest and legs are still sore, and I didn't know if I was approaching over-training from lifting every single day for over two weeks.
I wasn't sure, so I asked Amy...who told me listen to my body, and that it was ok to take a day off. Ironically, that permission all of a sudden CHANGED my mind about whether or not I needed a day off. Suddenly, I felt like my body could handle it.
However, at 4:30pm, I was offered a shift at Green Bowl, and considering the fact that I just spend $100 on groceries for the WEEK, and just bought a new pair of headphones (thanks to Maybelle), the smartest thing I could do was take the shift. So, I ended up not lifting after all.
Tomorrow I will have to mix up getting my shoulders worked and practice a phase 3 workout.
Anyway, I'm doing great on this plan, I'm eating like a machine and I'm burning fat like a torch. I finally understand the thing I've heard a hundred times, "When I started lifting weights, the fat just melted away." You betcha.
Well it's super late and I wanna watch Breaking Bad, so good night!
Friday, January 18, 2013
Day 18. Rest.
Wow this week was BUSY and it went by in a flash. I've noticed that, because I write my blog right before bed, and it inevitably DELAYS sleep, I leave out SO MUCH STUFF.
So I'm gonna try to give you an idea of what has changed for me. First, I drink my coffee black. Or, is it first that I get up between 5am and 6am? That's a habit now, because I get to write and drink coffee as soon as I wake up and I REALLY look forward to that. I'm really AMAZED that just a few short months ago, I would roll out of bed just in time to do what I needed to do. The end result is that I was often late, rushed or disorganized. Now, I'm putting my clothes out the night before, I'm making sure the morning has as few bumps in the road as possible.
So, NEXT would be that I drink my coffee black. OH HOW I RESISTED THIS! I tortured myself with thoughts of how delicious coffee creamer is, or that my stomach would react poorly to coffee without creamer. The truth of the matter is that I don't even think about it anymore. The act of drinking my coffee resumed its original level of pleasure on the second day I had it black. NOTABIGDEAL.
I found a routine that helps me floss every day! Do you know how long I have failed at that? My entire adult life. That's how long. Why did I fail? I never wanted to do it right before bed, I'd rather just skip it and go to bed. And the mornings, well, we know how they were going. So, now I've established a morning routine that just FEELS right.
I pack my lunch every day, and actually, my clean diet allows me to function so much better, even on less sleep!
Today, in particular, I was on cloud nine. For some reason, I just bounced my way into the gym...actually, I'm pretty confident that reason was that it is Friday and I can sleep forever. So, for right now, those are the significant changes I've made. I'm sure I'll continue to make changes. Today, I had an AWESOME workout...I got to the gym earlier than usual, so I decided to tack some things onto the beginning of my workout...like 6 minutes of warm up, since I figured warm muscles would probably work better for me. Then, I tacked on an extra set of calf raises because my legs are so skinny.
But I'm falling asleep writing this, so I should probably get some rest.
Tomorrow is yoga, and I'm hoping to get up at my normal time. I am on call until 9am so I hope everyone has a safe Friday night!
Oh, and I had a dream about living in a house with one of these green house rooms. I WANT!
So I'm gonna try to give you an idea of what has changed for me. First, I drink my coffee black. Or, is it first that I get up between 5am and 6am? That's a habit now, because I get to write and drink coffee as soon as I wake up and I REALLY look forward to that. I'm really AMAZED that just a few short months ago, I would roll out of bed just in time to do what I needed to do. The end result is that I was often late, rushed or disorganized. Now, I'm putting my clothes out the night before, I'm making sure the morning has as few bumps in the road as possible.
So, NEXT would be that I drink my coffee black. OH HOW I RESISTED THIS! I tortured myself with thoughts of how delicious coffee creamer is, or that my stomach would react poorly to coffee without creamer. The truth of the matter is that I don't even think about it anymore. The act of drinking my coffee resumed its original level of pleasure on the second day I had it black. NOTABIGDEAL.
I found a routine that helps me floss every day! Do you know how long I have failed at that? My entire adult life. That's how long. Why did I fail? I never wanted to do it right before bed, I'd rather just skip it and go to bed. And the mornings, well, we know how they were going. So, now I've established a morning routine that just FEELS right.
I pack my lunch every day, and actually, my clean diet allows me to function so much better, even on less sleep!
Today, in particular, I was on cloud nine. For some reason, I just bounced my way into the gym...actually, I'm pretty confident that reason was that it is Friday and I can sleep forever. So, for right now, those are the significant changes I've made. I'm sure I'll continue to make changes. Today, I had an AWESOME workout...I got to the gym earlier than usual, so I decided to tack some things onto the beginning of my workout...like 6 minutes of warm up, since I figured warm muscles would probably work better for me. Then, I tacked on an extra set of calf raises because my legs are so skinny.
But I'm falling asleep writing this, so I should probably get some rest.
Tomorrow is yoga, and I'm hoping to get up at my normal time. I am on call until 9am so I hope everyone has a safe Friday night!
Oh, and I had a dream about living in a house with one of these green house rooms. I WANT!
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Day 17-highlight=triceps
I've had another really long day, and in it I met someone who has come so far overcome so much, and achieved things that I would have thought impossible for myself. I was truly humbled to hear her story. I also opened up to MORE questions about what is possible.
That made me wonder, "is all of this effort just superficial? I mean, I care about my triceps and this woman is changing the world."
Then I realized that my inner critic had come out to play. It always wants to dash my hopes. First, it will say it's not possible, then when I realize it IS possible,
It just changes tactics and argues that it's not a worth while goal.
So, eff off inner critic. I'm doing this.
I've thought for a long time that in order to achieve my ultimate dreams, this step must come first: the step of mastering myself, or rather the process, since it is hardly a step. Plus, I do EVERYTHING better when I am following this plan and working out on a schedule. I am more disciplined, make better use of my time, and foresee problems ahead of time.
So lets celebrate these triceps with a pic, and then I'm going to bed!
That made me wonder, "is all of this effort just superficial? I mean, I care about my triceps and this woman is changing the world."
Then I realized that my inner critic had come out to play. It always wants to dash my hopes. First, it will say it's not possible, then when I realize it IS possible,
It just changes tactics and argues that it's not a worth while goal.
So, eff off inner critic. I'm doing this.
I've thought for a long time that in order to achieve my ultimate dreams, this step must come first: the step of mastering myself, or rather the process, since it is hardly a step. Plus, I do EVERYTHING better when I am following this plan and working out on a schedule. I am more disciplined, make better use of my time, and foresee problems ahead of time.
So lets celebrate these triceps with a pic, and then I'm going to bed!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Day 16! It's 9pm and I am so happy to go to bed.
I had a great and busy day today. I'm learning to stay on task a lot more, and use a simple trick I learned from a college student-when I think I can't do ANY work because I need a nap or I'm just having a hard time concentrating...well, this is a good time to do something that doesn't take much mental work, like preparing copies.
I realize that sounds simple, but it gives me a option that I never thought about before.
I ate well today, although not always on time (I was teaching classes and only got a ten minute break for one of my lunches, but it was minor)
I also drank a protein shake after Amy's class tonight (had two workouts today, back and bi's and then HIIT), because my legs are so sore that I thought I needed the extra protein. No. No that's not why I did it at all. I did it because I was craving a shake, and I'm out of balance, and I figured that if I didn't give myself the shake it would create an even bigger imbalance. So, I'm taking a hot shower and going to bed now. :)
I realize that sounds simple, but it gives me a option that I never thought about before.
I ate well today, although not always on time (I was teaching classes and only got a ten minute break for one of my lunches, but it was minor)
I also drank a protein shake after Amy's class tonight (had two workouts today, back and bi's and then HIIT), because my legs are so sore that I thought I needed the extra protein. No. No that's not why I did it at all. I did it because I was craving a shake, and I'm out of balance, and I figured that if I didn't give myself the shake it would create an even bigger imbalance. So, I'm taking a hot shower and going to bed now. :)
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Day 15. Sleep! I need sleep!
I stumbled upon a great idea last night, and it made it difficult for me to sleep. I would say more about it, but I don't want to undermine any progress that I make in that general direction.
Today, I really wanted to go home and go to bed early because I have a full day tomorrow, with 2 workouts, but I had to get certain things done, and I am really working on my work ethic.
So. There you have it. My diet was impeccable today, and I killed it with my workouts.
Let's see some Feminist Ryan Gosling for fun.
That's fun!
And it reminded me that the guy who originally creeped me out with his peptalk (he was saying "Suck my dick" over and over again, apparently to his weights), is still creeping me out. While I was showering I came up with a little ditty I'd like to share. It's not meant to hurt anybody's feelings, just meant to kind of make this creepy situation funny/silly. Ready? Here we go (to the tune of If You Sprinkle While You Tinkle):
While your leering is endearing,
When you're grunting like an ape,
Please take note that when I see you,
All I think about is rape.
Disclaimer: I am in no danger of being raped, and I am not afraid of him doing anything to hurt me. But I absolutely do think about it when he is leering at me. That's what happens That much is true.
It's like this:
Onward!
Today, I really wanted to go home and go to bed early because I have a full day tomorrow, with 2 workouts, but I had to get certain things done, and I am really working on my work ethic.
So. There you have it. My diet was impeccable today, and I killed it with my workouts.
Let's see some Feminist Ryan Gosling for fun.
And it reminded me that the guy who originally creeped me out with his peptalk (he was saying "Suck my dick" over and over again, apparently to his weights), is still creeping me out. While I was showering I came up with a little ditty I'd like to share. It's not meant to hurt anybody's feelings, just meant to kind of make this creepy situation funny/silly. Ready? Here we go (to the tune of If You Sprinkle While You Tinkle):
While your leering is endearing,
When you're grunting like an ape,
Please take note that when I see you,
All I think about is rape.
Disclaimer: I am in no danger of being raped, and I am not afraid of him doing anything to hurt me. But I absolutely do think about it when he is leering at me. That's what happens That much is true.
It's like this:
 |
| Somebody needs to teach that guy how not to be creepy, and it ain't gonna be me. |
Monday, January 14, 2013
Day 14. Double workout.
I did a great job today except for going to bed on time. I even ate my cod cold because that's what needed to be done. Maybe I can go to bed early tomorrow or take a nap!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Day 13. Sustain.
I did a lot today. But not until I rested thoroughly.
I read a blog the other day about noticing recurring themes in our lives. One theme I've noticed and am actively working to change, is that I have, at times, quit before the finish line.
Now, there are also times when I finished. So, what I'm trying to do is figure out what happened when I failed to finish, and what worked when I did.
I know from experience that not getting enough sleep, going on any trips and not having enough downtime will all throw me.
Today, I articulated for myself that I gave to make this program SUSTAINABLE!
That's why I am practicing my phase three workouts so that I can plan for success.
Tonight, I'm up later than I should be, and I have less time than usual in the morning.
So. All I'm gonna say is I had my cheat meal at Faccia Luna-a little Caesar salads, some chicken parm, pasta, garlic bread and a slice of pizza. Then most of a cookie dough blizzard from DQ. I tried to really pay attention to "the rules" and I noticed that you stop having a foodgasm after maybe 5 to 7 bites. I can't say I followed all the rules perfectly, I think I ate too much...bc I wasn't hungry 3 hours later, and I never ended up eating another meal. That's ok, though. This is a learning process.
I ALSO treated myself to a shopping spree! I haven't gotten new workout pants in a LONG time. Anyway, I bought a bunch of stuff I've been needing to buy for a long time today, and that feels really good.
Onward!
I read a blog the other day about noticing recurring themes in our lives. One theme I've noticed and am actively working to change, is that I have, at times, quit before the finish line.
Now, there are also times when I finished. So, what I'm trying to do is figure out what happened when I failed to finish, and what worked when I did.
I know from experience that not getting enough sleep, going on any trips and not having enough downtime will all throw me.
Today, I articulated for myself that I gave to make this program SUSTAINABLE!
That's why I am practicing my phase three workouts so that I can plan for success.
Tonight, I'm up later than I should be, and I have less time than usual in the morning.
So. All I'm gonna say is I had my cheat meal at Faccia Luna-a little Caesar salads, some chicken parm, pasta, garlic bread and a slice of pizza. Then most of a cookie dough blizzard from DQ. I tried to really pay attention to "the rules" and I noticed that you stop having a foodgasm after maybe 5 to 7 bites. I can't say I followed all the rules perfectly, I think I ate too much...bc I wasn't hungry 3 hours later, and I never ended up eating another meal. That's ok, though. This is a learning process.
I ALSO treated myself to a shopping spree! I haven't gotten new workout pants in a LONG time. Anyway, I bought a bunch of stuff I've been needing to buy for a long time today, and that feels really good.
Onward!
Saturday, January 12, 2013
DAY 12! BIG DAY!
So, I'm doing this whole 12 week program (which has turned into 14) for a couple of reasons, not the least of which is to get out of my comfort zone and develop habits that serve me. This week was challenging (but not as challenging as next week will be) because I was back at work for my full 40 hours, and was having a hard time getting things done AND getting enough sleep. I've learned this program REQUIRES ADEQUATE SLEEP, so getting 6 hours of sleep every night caught up with me on Thursday and Friday, and probably limited how much muscle I could build.
Anyway, I did something today that was kind of incredible. I had every intention of going to Kerry's Saturday yoga class since last week. I committed myself to yoga once a week, and this class fit right into my schedule. However, last night I started feeling resistance, and nagging thoughts of, "I don't wanna go! I'm gonna have to work hard in there!" But, I went to bed early and figured the sleep would change my attitude.
I woke up at 5am, like I normally do, and was seized with anxiety (not terribly abnormal, but hasn't happened in awhile) due to a "situation". Well, to be fair, I didn't actually know that there WAS a situation, I was just AFRAID there was. And even if there was, it was the type of thing that I would simply have to wait and find out about. I could get into the details, but it's pointless. I tend to go full panic when anything is off-kilter...the other day someone posted on Facebook that one of my friends was dead bc they weren't returning texts...I could not be satisfied that this was not true until I saw signs of life from that friend. I do this kind of thing to myself every once in awhile (I suppose it was just convenient that it JUST SO HAPPENED when I was supposed to go to a yoga class I was resisting.)
What's more, I didn't have my car. I thought it might be returned by the time I needed to leave for class, but I couldn't be sure.
All I wanted to do was sit in my panic, which would wax and wane, until I heard that either things were ok, or they weren't. In fact, it was difficult for me to do anything at all.
At 7:45am, I decided a walk would do me good. Maybe by the time I took a walk, all would be resolved, I thought. I got dressed in jeans and realized that if my car was NOT back by 8am, then I would have to walk to the gym, and that would take 20 minutes, and I needed to be at class by 8:10am to get a spot (or so I tell myself). So, I decided that I would change into my yoga clothes, and take my walk straight to the gym. I didn't take my water bottle because I didn't know how cold it would be outside, and I figured I could just buy a water when I got to the gym. (Also convenient that I didn't plan to have water.)
Well. By the time I had gotten to the gym, the anxiety and resistance mounted because I did not want to be away from my phone at all, and certainly not for 90 minutes. If the disaster(s) I had dreamt up were true, I wanted to be available the INSTANT I got the word. And when I say disaster, I mean: One such scenario was "What if ....... is dying in the hospital in the 2 hours you are in yoga, and when you get out, you'll learn that you lost your last opportunity to..." Do you see what I do to myself?
Even I was starting to recognize it. I tried to keep reminding myself that those things that scare me are probably not true. But, as I walked up to the door of the gym, I realized that I had left my wallet at home. My first thoughts were: "Welp. Too bad. I'll have to go home now. Don't have a choice. Can't do hot yoga without water, nope, sure can't." And I just kept right on walking. I even saw other people I recognized from the class. I just tried not to make eye contact and started heading home. But, the sense of "I found a way out" was just too obvious to be ignored.
THIS WAS NOT ABOUT WATER.
This was because I prefer to sit in my panic and wait to hear that everything is fine, and then be angry at SOMEONE ELSE, BLAME SOMEONE ELSE for missing yoga. No, actually, I think THIS WAS ONLY ABOUT GETTING OUT OF YOGA. And guess what? It would not be anyone's fault but mine if I missed it. It would be because I found a way out. Which I almost did.
While I was walking away, I realized that I had a ten dollar bill in my purse from babysitting Thursday night. My next out was, "Maybe I don't have any classes left on my class card...shit. I have enough money to cover a class. Hm. Looks like I'm going."
And the final hurdle. I get to the studio door, and there are lots of people, and I am ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR EVIDENCE THAT THERE'S NO ROOM. Didn't I just say last week how blown away I was that my expectation was so wrong? That the approach is to welcome and make room for all? There is almost no such thing as not enough room. It was my last ditch effort. And I overcame it.
I walked in. I grabbed a mat, a block, and a strap. I found a place. I planted. I stayed the whole time. I fretted about 20 oz of water not being enough. But I stayed, I practiced, and I lived to see another day.
And I am glad I did. Thrilled I did, even. The message today was, "You have the right to be here. You have the right to take up space. You matter. I matter." I heard that loud and clear. Hearing it isn't enough, though. I have to practice it in my life. Stop apologizing for my presence. Stop apologizing to be polite, to get out of a compliment, whatever the case may be. Stop apologizing all the freaking time!!!
Anyway. Big day today. If I can make it to yoga when I am convinced that someone is dying in the hospital (no one was hurt, by the way, absolutely not a GD THING was wrong), I don't have my car, I forgot my water, and in general I don't feel 'in the mood' to be challenged...Well, if I can do that, then I think I might have just created a habit that serves me.
Anyway, I did something today that was kind of incredible. I had every intention of going to Kerry's Saturday yoga class since last week. I committed myself to yoga once a week, and this class fit right into my schedule. However, last night I started feeling resistance, and nagging thoughts of, "I don't wanna go! I'm gonna have to work hard in there!" But, I went to bed early and figured the sleep would change my attitude.
I woke up at 5am, like I normally do, and was seized with anxiety (not terribly abnormal, but hasn't happened in awhile) due to a "situation". Well, to be fair, I didn't actually know that there WAS a situation, I was just AFRAID there was. And even if there was, it was the type of thing that I would simply have to wait and find out about. I could get into the details, but it's pointless. I tend to go full panic when anything is off-kilter...the other day someone posted on Facebook that one of my friends was dead bc they weren't returning texts...I could not be satisfied that this was not true until I saw signs of life from that friend. I do this kind of thing to myself every once in awhile (I suppose it was just convenient that it JUST SO HAPPENED when I was supposed to go to a yoga class I was resisting.)
What's more, I didn't have my car. I thought it might be returned by the time I needed to leave for class, but I couldn't be sure.
All I wanted to do was sit in my panic, which would wax and wane, until I heard that either things were ok, or they weren't. In fact, it was difficult for me to do anything at all.
At 7:45am, I decided a walk would do me good. Maybe by the time I took a walk, all would be resolved, I thought. I got dressed in jeans and realized that if my car was NOT back by 8am, then I would have to walk to the gym, and that would take 20 minutes, and I needed to be at class by 8:10am to get a spot (or so I tell myself). So, I decided that I would change into my yoga clothes, and take my walk straight to the gym. I didn't take my water bottle because I didn't know how cold it would be outside, and I figured I could just buy a water when I got to the gym. (Also convenient that I didn't plan to have water.)
Well. By the time I had gotten to the gym, the anxiety and resistance mounted because I did not want to be away from my phone at all, and certainly not for 90 minutes. If the disaster(s) I had dreamt up were true, I wanted to be available the INSTANT I got the word. And when I say disaster, I mean: One such scenario was "What if ....... is dying in the hospital in the 2 hours you are in yoga, and when you get out, you'll learn that you lost your last opportunity to..." Do you see what I do to myself?
Even I was starting to recognize it. I tried to keep reminding myself that those things that scare me are probably not true. But, as I walked up to the door of the gym, I realized that I had left my wallet at home. My first thoughts were: "Welp. Too bad. I'll have to go home now. Don't have a choice. Can't do hot yoga without water, nope, sure can't." And I just kept right on walking. I even saw other people I recognized from the class. I just tried not to make eye contact and started heading home. But, the sense of "I found a way out" was just too obvious to be ignored.
THIS WAS NOT ABOUT WATER.
This was because I prefer to sit in my panic and wait to hear that everything is fine, and then be angry at SOMEONE ELSE, BLAME SOMEONE ELSE for missing yoga. No, actually, I think THIS WAS ONLY ABOUT GETTING OUT OF YOGA. And guess what? It would not be anyone's fault but mine if I missed it. It would be because I found a way out. Which I almost did.
While I was walking away, I realized that I had a ten dollar bill in my purse from babysitting Thursday night. My next out was, "Maybe I don't have any classes left on my class card...shit. I have enough money to cover a class. Hm. Looks like I'm going."
And the final hurdle. I get to the studio door, and there are lots of people, and I am ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR EVIDENCE THAT THERE'S NO ROOM. Didn't I just say last week how blown away I was that my expectation was so wrong? That the approach is to welcome and make room for all? There is almost no such thing as not enough room. It was my last ditch effort. And I overcame it.
I walked in. I grabbed a mat, a block, and a strap. I found a place. I planted. I stayed the whole time. I fretted about 20 oz of water not being enough. But I stayed, I practiced, and I lived to see another day.
And I am glad I did. Thrilled I did, even. The message today was, "You have the right to be here. You have the right to take up space. You matter. I matter." I heard that loud and clear. Hearing it isn't enough, though. I have to practice it in my life. Stop apologizing for my presence. Stop apologizing to be polite, to get out of a compliment, whatever the case may be. Stop apologizing all the freaking time!!!
Anyway. Big day today. If I can make it to yoga when I am convinced that someone is dying in the hospital (no one was hurt, by the way, absolutely not a GD THING was wrong), I don't have my car, I forgot my water, and in general I don't feel 'in the mood' to be challenged...Well, if I can do that, then I think I might have just created a habit that serves me.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Day 11
I am tired.
I made it through the week.
I am overwhelmed by the possibilities ahead of me, so I am going to bed.
I made it through the week.
I am overwhelmed by the possibilities ahead of me, so I am going to bed.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Day 10. Legs Day!
Well, it's Thursday, and as the week wears on, it gets harder and harder to follow through with things because I wear myself out. So. Tonight I'm in bed early!
It's funny, there's that saying about how the gym is so full on Mondays but by Friday, it's pretty bare-I used to START on Friday and pat myself on the back for being the rare person at the gym on a Friday. It's funny, the ways I've lied to myself-but tomorrow I will know what it's like to go to the gym on the last day of my work week and a week's worth of morning workouts!
Today, I did legs. I have a really hard time getting out of the house in the morning because when I get up, I write, and I get kind of lost in it. Anyway, must have really worked my legs because by 2pm today I was ready for a nap.
And, I had such a nice surprise on my windshield when I left the gym! Some person wrote "have a great day! You ROCK!" On a piece of paper and stick it under my windshield. It made my day so much that I'm gonna do it to someone else.
I actually finally ate 6 times today!
Egg whites at 6am, bf 8:30, L11:30 mid meal 2:30 D 5 7:10pm egg whites because I was hungry and I did legs today so I need it.
As per usual, my diet is impeccable!
And the last icing on the cake today was that I got to hold a 4 month old baby, and he fell asleep in my lap. Great way to end the day. Onward!
It's funny, there's that saying about how the gym is so full on Mondays but by Friday, it's pretty bare-I used to START on Friday and pat myself on the back for being the rare person at the gym on a Friday. It's funny, the ways I've lied to myself-but tomorrow I will know what it's like to go to the gym on the last day of my work week and a week's worth of morning workouts!
Today, I did legs. I have a really hard time getting out of the house in the morning because when I get up, I write, and I get kind of lost in it. Anyway, must have really worked my legs because by 2pm today I was ready for a nap.
And, I had such a nice surprise on my windshield when I left the gym! Some person wrote "have a great day! You ROCK!" On a piece of paper and stick it under my windshield. It made my day so much that I'm gonna do it to someone else.
I actually finally ate 6 times today!
Egg whites at 6am, bf 8:30, L11:30 mid meal 2:30 D 5 7:10pm egg whites because I was hungry and I did legs today so I need it.
As per usual, my diet is impeccable!
And the last icing on the cake today was that I got to hold a 4 month old baby, and he fell asleep in my lap. Great way to end the day. Onward!
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Day 9 My diet is impeccable.
I caught those words coming out of my mouth tonight as I was telling Amy about my progress. I almost couldn't believe what I had just said. I immediately questioned it...how could I be so BOLD? Impeccable is a strong word. But, no matter what my inner critic said, it's true. I have eaten what I am supposed to eat, when I am supposed to eat it. The only criticism is that I could eat more often. I am even eating BETTER than what I could be eating. I stopped doing the protein shakes because they are not preferable to whole foods.
Anyway, I had a great day today. I got up out of the COOLEST dream...I was falling through the sky at such a gentle pace that it had rocked me to sleep ( in my dream... Does anyone else sleep in their dreams?). Anyway, I had a productive day and I did two workouts: lifting in the am and Amy's class at night.
Every time I do Amy's class, I truly do not believe or give myself credit for how hard I worked. My inner critic will compare me to other people in the class, or say negative things and it makes it hard for me to accept that I left everything on the floor in that studio. But I did tonight! I killed BOTH of my workouts and I'm ready for tomorrow!
Hosted by Maybelle, who just tonight discovered the top of the refrigerator.
Anyway, I had a great day today. I got up out of the COOLEST dream...I was falling through the sky at such a gentle pace that it had rocked me to sleep ( in my dream... Does anyone else sleep in their dreams?). Anyway, I had a productive day and I did two workouts: lifting in the am and Amy's class at night.
Every time I do Amy's class, I truly do not believe or give myself credit for how hard I worked. My inner critic will compare me to other people in the class, or say negative things and it makes it hard for me to accept that I left everything on the floor in that studio. But I did tonight! I killed BOTH of my workouts and I'm ready for tomorrow!
Hosted by Maybelle, who just tonight discovered the top of the refrigerator.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Day 8! Going strong!
Another good day to report here! I'm eating clean and on time. My only issue is that I'm only eating 4 times a day. I would like to bump that up to 5 as I start building some more muscle.
Speaking of muscle, this morning while I was doing my triceps pushdown, I saw STRIATIONS in my shoulder! I haven't lost that much fat, so I really did not expect to see THAT kind of muscle. Super excited. I am really loving my kale shakes these days. I only put kale and water in them now, and I try to drink 2 8oz glasses a day because they are so helpful!
Tomorrow is a weight-lifting session in the am and then Amy's class. Would love to blog more, but I MUST GET TO BED ON TIME TONIGHT!
Speaking of muscle, this morning while I was doing my triceps pushdown, I saw STRIATIONS in my shoulder! I haven't lost that much fat, so I really did not expect to see THAT kind of muscle. Super excited. I am really loving my kale shakes these days. I only put kale and water in them now, and I try to drink 2 8oz glasses a day because they are so helpful!
Tomorrow is a weight-lifting session in the am and then Amy's class. Would love to blog more, but I MUST GET TO BED ON TIME TONIGHT!
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Monday, January 7, 2013
Day 7 again!
I started my blog 8 days ago, but I'm on Day 7 in Jamie Eason's Live Fit program, so I am just going to call it all Day 7 and stop confusing myself! I had a killer day today. Ate clean like a CHAMP! I'm not even drinking my protein shake anymore bc it's processed and unless I'm in a pinch, I don't need it.
The effects of being on this diet and working out like this are incredible. My stress level is lower, my energy and attention are higher and I just feel AMAZING!
Today, I did two workouts because I am trying to maximize the fat burn from eating a cheat meal yesterday. My first workout was...I effing killed it. I did ten pops on a stair mill, and my legs got so tired, and I got so winded, but I wanted to WORK IT! So I did.
But then, this afternoon, I was at an incredibly high level of anxiety...actually, all day had been building up to it. I kept having a sense that something was wrong or was going to be wrong, and it was going to be my fault. At 3pm, I convinced myself that there was something terrible going on, and I was about to find out about it. There was nothing. I even interpreted events incorrectly to make this thing seem true. This is what free-floating anxiety will do to you.
But I'm managing. I noticed that I was in fear, so I knew it was probably my inner critic, so I tried to counter my inner critic's message. It worked in waves.
The end result was that I was exhausted. But, it also meant I HAD to go to class to work out all the poisonous energy I had been carrying around.
So I did. During the class, I really wanted to wimp out several times. At first, I thought, "you already had a killer workout this morning, it doesn't matter if you scale it back a little bit."
However, that is also my inner critic, goading me to quit so that it can then tell me I never finish anything! Well, that wasn't how this story ended today.
I reminded myself that I am responsible for my transformation. That felt powerful, and I finished that class strong.
I'm ready for tomorrow!
The effects of being on this diet and working out like this are incredible. My stress level is lower, my energy and attention are higher and I just feel AMAZING!
Today, I did two workouts because I am trying to maximize the fat burn from eating a cheat meal yesterday. My first workout was...I effing killed it. I did ten pops on a stair mill, and my legs got so tired, and I got so winded, but I wanted to WORK IT! So I did.
But then, this afternoon, I was at an incredibly high level of anxiety...actually, all day had been building up to it. I kept having a sense that something was wrong or was going to be wrong, and it was going to be my fault. At 3pm, I convinced myself that there was something terrible going on, and I was about to find out about it. There was nothing. I even interpreted events incorrectly to make this thing seem true. This is what free-floating anxiety will do to you.
But I'm managing. I noticed that I was in fear, so I knew it was probably my inner critic, so I tried to counter my inner critic's message. It worked in waves.
The end result was that I was exhausted. But, it also meant I HAD to go to class to work out all the poisonous energy I had been carrying around.
So I did. During the class, I really wanted to wimp out several times. At first, I thought, "you already had a killer workout this morning, it doesn't matter if you scale it back a little bit."
However, that is also my inner critic, goading me to quit so that it can then tell me I never finish anything! Well, that wasn't how this story ended today.
I reminded myself that I am responsible for my transformation. That felt powerful, and I finished that class strong.
I'm ready for tomorrow!
Sunday, January 6, 2013
It's Day 7! One week complete!
I've finished with one week, and I can tell you: I am transforming! I entered two transformation contests that are both 12 weeks long. My focus is on my body and my life's work, but my biggest transformation this week was learning to silence my inner critic. It has been incredible.
I pretty much notice that if I am in fear, my inner critic has shown up (I've written this before, haven't I?), except now, I'm able to recognize it and refocus.
Case in point. I was afraid of the Phase 3 workouts in Jamie Eason's plan because it involved lifting for a set, and then doing active rests (jumping rope or something) in between. In particular, there was a set of exercises where you are supposed to do walking lunges with a barbell (and weights loaded, of course) for ten steps up and back, and then do 10 long jumps up and back. I thought, "No way am I doing that. I will look so freaking stupid, and uncoordinated, and I'll be in people's way." So, I decided to ask Amy about it, and got some advice from her (do it downstairs in the exercise room when there isn't class! DUH!). Anyway, so I did two-thirds of this super tough workout today, and not only did not feel stupid, I felt INCREDIBLY ATHLETIC! I felt like a fitness instructor, just because I was doing something challenging and different.
I had a cheat meal today. I'm trying not to cling to them too much.
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As you can see, I went to Waffle Shop. That is a cheese omelet with two pancakes, home fries, and an orange juice. I am really feeling like a champion with this because I ALWAYS get coffee at Waffle Shop, I mean, it's JUST WHAT YOU DO! But I've stopped drinking coffee after my first coffee of the day, and I figured, why break that habit? If you want a treat, have an OJ instead. No caffeine, no disrupted sleep.
Speaking of sleep, I've got to get there. It's 10:15pm and 5am comes early.
Tomorrow I'm doing pops in the morning and Kerry's class at 5:30pm to maximize the fat burn from this cheat meal! I'm also quite proud to say that my glutes and hamstrings are sore, so I am building muscle there! And tri's. That all makes me very happy. Onward!!!
I pretty much notice that if I am in fear, my inner critic has shown up (I've written this before, haven't I?), except now, I'm able to recognize it and refocus.
Case in point. I was afraid of the Phase 3 workouts in Jamie Eason's plan because it involved lifting for a set, and then doing active rests (jumping rope or something) in between. In particular, there was a set of exercises where you are supposed to do walking lunges with a barbell (and weights loaded, of course) for ten steps up and back, and then do 10 long jumps up and back. I thought, "No way am I doing that. I will look so freaking stupid, and uncoordinated, and I'll be in people's way." So, I decided to ask Amy about it, and got some advice from her (do it downstairs in the exercise room when there isn't class! DUH!). Anyway, so I did two-thirds of this super tough workout today, and not only did not feel stupid, I felt INCREDIBLY ATHLETIC! I felt like a fitness instructor, just because I was doing something challenging and different.
I had a cheat meal today. I'm trying not to cling to them too much.
Speaking of sleep, I've got to get there. It's 10:15pm and 5am comes early.
Tomorrow I'm doing pops in the morning and Kerry's class at 5:30pm to maximize the fat burn from this cheat meal! I'm also quite proud to say that my glutes and hamstrings are sore, so I am building muscle there! And tri's. That all makes me very happy. Onward!!!
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Day 6, Week 1 is almost over!
Well, it's only been one week and I've already learned and relearned so much.
I remembered that if I want to go to bed at 9pm, then I have to follow through on one certain habit. Put down the cell phone. I will ignore texts/calls/facebook after 9pm. I've even been watching Netflix on my cellphone! Got to stop that. Not only does that keep me up later, but the lights from the phone prevent the natural flow of sleep from happening.
I remembered this because last night, I thought I would be asleep by 6pm, and I was very happy about that. Instead, I stayed up until 11:16pm. That seems to be my magic number. I realize I am REALLY gonna screw up my day if I stay up any later. I've got to do things differently.
Speaking of doing things differently, I had an amazing day today!
I woke up at 7:36am feeling refreshed. I wasted a bunch of time on facebook because I knew that today was the day I said I would start going to Kerry's yoga on Saturday in order to stay focused on my goals. I wanted out. So I wasted time.
I came downstairs at 8am to have my coffee and remembered that I had declared I would give up the creamer today. TO-DAY. I immediately regretted that declaration. I started my coffee, and held the bottle of French Vanilla Coffeemate in my hand (this was the start of a bad idea). I started to bargain with myself. Just A DROP, I thought. Just a tiny bit. I'll forgo the creamer tomorrow. I read the ingredients label. No surprises. 2nd ingredient is sugar, and then lots of things that I only remember parts of, such as super-dextrose, and under-hydrolyzed or something. Maltodextrin? Is that a thing? Anyway, I know that entertaining that thought is venturing down the path of going back on my word. I think the moment I realized I had made the mistake of even considering it was the moment that I put the creamer down. I thought, "This is not so hard. Put the coffee to your lips and drink. Stop being a wimp about it." And what do you know? It was smooth and delicious, not bitter or yucky like I had imagined!
At that point it was probably just after 8am and I realized, I am NOT opting out of yoga. I had already started making excuses for myself, "I'm a little bit sick." Which is true, I am a little bit sick, but I'm at the tail end of it, and the fact of the matter is, I wasn't going to get anyone else sick, AND it wasn't going to interfere with my ability to do yoga. What's more, I'm pretty confident hot yoga boosts your immune system, so...no good reason to skip. And that was it. Very little internal argument. I started my car, prepared my glutamine and remembered...GET THERE EARLY! The last time I went, I got there just at 8:30am, and I don't remember if the class had started or not, but it looked full to me. I didn't want to disrupt anyone, so I turned around and left. But, that experience brought lots of feelings of shame for me. I mean, I shamed myself for some reason. My inner critic had a field day with it. I was NOT going to let that happen again. So, I think I got there at 8:20am and there was already a line out the door. I expected that with New Year's and all. I saw one open spot left and I took it. I didn't get here just to miss out!
But the most amazing thing happened. As I was feeling sorry for the people who would miss out because they got there too late, I watched Kerry, the instructor MAKE ROOM for people. I mean, when I showed up the last time, my inner critic said things like, "Great, now there's not enough room for you! Don't you respect the class enough to get here early? Everybody else managed to get here early...blah blah blah." And, here, the instructor's approach is to MAKE ROOM for people she knew were coming. I was totally blown away. Maybe I'm not making myself clear here. Our mats were already about two inches away from every other mat near us. Ahead and behind, and to each side. A person next to me said jovially, "Hey, we almost have enough people that we could just make the floor one big yoga mat!" I didn't BELIEVE there was more room. And yet, the instructor KNEW there was and wanted to use it to accommodate those folks. And, in doing this for other people, I realized, she would have done it for me. What I really discovered in this moment is that my inner critic is a LIAR. The last time I came, I didn't believe I DESERVED someone to make room. For me. But they will. Happily. And that really opened my eyes to how much love and acceptance there is for me. :)
I learned so much in yoga today about going to that difficult place. I think the lesson in yoga is to always step outside of your comfort zone, and I needed a refresher. I definitely practiced stepping out of my comfort zone this week, and next week, I will build on that. I am committed to yoga every Saturday from now on. I saw a woman, another instructor whose classes I have never taken because it scares me, take the dancer pose...
That picture is misleading. If you think I look like that when I do dancer pose, you are wrong. I cannot get my leg up that high yet. It's more like parallel with my hip, and I am also not able to straighten my lifted leg that much, so this is a pretty advanced move. Anyway, I saw this instructor bend-in this pose-down to let her fingers touch the ground. I was inspired. I will attend one of her classes.
Anyway, I learned all kinds of things about myself in yoga today. Then I came home and did some writing, and worked on my to-do list, took a 2 hour nap. Got my kitchen a tiny bit more organized, and finally asked myself what my goals were. Yes, I want to see my belly muscles, yes, I want to get down to 15% body fat, but what is my time frame? How will I know if I reach that goal? And that was when I finally committed to COMPETING in a figure competition in October of this year. If you can see my abs when you're sitting in the audience at a competition, I would say that I've achieved the "see my belly muscles" goal beyond the shadow of a doubt. So I'm doing the 12 week transformation with an end goal that it's going to shed fat to get me ready for that competition later in the year.
Tomorrow, I'm going to practice a phase 3 workout from Jamie Eason's LiveFit Trainer because I'm afraid of it, and I want to get familiar with it before I actually have to do it. I'm going to do my food prep, have my cheat meal, take my "before" pictures, and write out a vision of where I want to be in five years.
I remembered that if I want to go to bed at 9pm, then I have to follow through on one certain habit. Put down the cell phone. I will ignore texts/calls/facebook after 9pm. I've even been watching Netflix on my cellphone! Got to stop that. Not only does that keep me up later, but the lights from the phone prevent the natural flow of sleep from happening.
I remembered this because last night, I thought I would be asleep by 6pm, and I was very happy about that. Instead, I stayed up until 11:16pm. That seems to be my magic number. I realize I am REALLY gonna screw up my day if I stay up any later. I've got to do things differently.
Speaking of doing things differently, I had an amazing day today!
I woke up at 7:36am feeling refreshed. I wasted a bunch of time on facebook because I knew that today was the day I said I would start going to Kerry's yoga on Saturday in order to stay focused on my goals. I wanted out. So I wasted time.
I came downstairs at 8am to have my coffee and remembered that I had declared I would give up the creamer today. TO-DAY. I immediately regretted that declaration. I started my coffee, and held the bottle of French Vanilla Coffeemate in my hand (this was the start of a bad idea). I started to bargain with myself. Just A DROP, I thought. Just a tiny bit. I'll forgo the creamer tomorrow. I read the ingredients label. No surprises. 2nd ingredient is sugar, and then lots of things that I only remember parts of, such as super-dextrose, and under-hydrolyzed or something. Maltodextrin? Is that a thing? Anyway, I know that entertaining that thought is venturing down the path of going back on my word. I think the moment I realized I had made the mistake of even considering it was the moment that I put the creamer down. I thought, "This is not so hard. Put the coffee to your lips and drink. Stop being a wimp about it." And what do you know? It was smooth and delicious, not bitter or yucky like I had imagined!
At that point it was probably just after 8am and I realized, I am NOT opting out of yoga. I had already started making excuses for myself, "I'm a little bit sick." Which is true, I am a little bit sick, but I'm at the tail end of it, and the fact of the matter is, I wasn't going to get anyone else sick, AND it wasn't going to interfere with my ability to do yoga. What's more, I'm pretty confident hot yoga boosts your immune system, so...no good reason to skip. And that was it. Very little internal argument. I started my car, prepared my glutamine and remembered...GET THERE EARLY! The last time I went, I got there just at 8:30am, and I don't remember if the class had started or not, but it looked full to me. I didn't want to disrupt anyone, so I turned around and left. But, that experience brought lots of feelings of shame for me. I mean, I shamed myself for some reason. My inner critic had a field day with it. I was NOT going to let that happen again. So, I think I got there at 8:20am and there was already a line out the door. I expected that with New Year's and all. I saw one open spot left and I took it. I didn't get here just to miss out!
But the most amazing thing happened. As I was feeling sorry for the people who would miss out because they got there too late, I watched Kerry, the instructor MAKE ROOM for people. I mean, when I showed up the last time, my inner critic said things like, "Great, now there's not enough room for you! Don't you respect the class enough to get here early? Everybody else managed to get here early...blah blah blah." And, here, the instructor's approach is to MAKE ROOM for people she knew were coming. I was totally blown away. Maybe I'm not making myself clear here. Our mats were already about two inches away from every other mat near us. Ahead and behind, and to each side. A person next to me said jovially, "Hey, we almost have enough people that we could just make the floor one big yoga mat!" I didn't BELIEVE there was more room. And yet, the instructor KNEW there was and wanted to use it to accommodate those folks. And, in doing this for other people, I realized, she would have done it for me. What I really discovered in this moment is that my inner critic is a LIAR. The last time I came, I didn't believe I DESERVED someone to make room. For me. But they will. Happily. And that really opened my eyes to how much love and acceptance there is for me. :)
I learned so much in yoga today about going to that difficult place. I think the lesson in yoga is to always step outside of your comfort zone, and I needed a refresher. I definitely practiced stepping out of my comfort zone this week, and next week, I will build on that. I am committed to yoga every Saturday from now on. I saw a woman, another instructor whose classes I have never taken because it scares me, take the dancer pose...
Anyway, I learned all kinds of things about myself in yoga today. Then I came home and did some writing, and worked on my to-do list, took a 2 hour nap. Got my kitchen a tiny bit more organized, and finally asked myself what my goals were. Yes, I want to see my belly muscles, yes, I want to get down to 15% body fat, but what is my time frame? How will I know if I reach that goal? And that was when I finally committed to COMPETING in a figure competition in October of this year. If you can see my abs when you're sitting in the audience at a competition, I would say that I've achieved the "see my belly muscles" goal beyond the shadow of a doubt. So I'm doing the 12 week transformation with an end goal that it's going to shed fat to get me ready for that competition later in the year.
Tomorrow, I'm going to practice a phase 3 workout from Jamie Eason's LiveFit Trainer because I'm afraid of it, and I want to get familiar with it before I actually have to do it. I'm going to do my food prep, have my cheat meal, take my "before" pictures, and write out a vision of where I want to be in five years.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Day 5 I get to go to bed early!
Well, I am calling it a day.
I got terrible sleep again last night. I think it's because my fan in my heater makes noise almost in a pattern but not quite, so (it's really pretty loud) must be in my sleep it startles me, and I just can't seem to get used to it.
Anyway, again, I can say that I am amazed at how much better my days are when I start it out with something I love, and then eat clean for the day. Even though for three nights, I got 6 hours or less, I made it through my day just fine.
Speaking of starting out your day...this morning I got my body fat tested! I expected it to be somewhere between 30-35% because I had a DEXA scan done when I was 27 and my body fat was 33% then. I was horrified. I couldn't imagine that it changed too drastically since then, since I am about the same size as I was then, if not a little heavier.
But, I measured a 28.5% body fat. Now, I don't know if the calipers just measured low, but I'm not worried about it, because as long as the same professional measures you, you will measure the CHANGE accurately, and that's what I really care about.
I ate clean all day except for my coffee. Today was the last day for the creamer in my coffee. And I'm trying some new ideas lately. When I noticed that I was in love with my suffering in relation to other people, meaning that I would cling to stories about how this person or that person hurt me or wronged me, I wanted to stop. I wanted to stop being in love with my suffering. Stop complaining. Stop giving it energy. Then, I realized that other things I cling to are my cheat meals. I mean, I WAIT for them like I'm dying for it, I fantasize about what I'm going to eat, and you name it. But I realized that I'm totally missing the bigger picture which is that my body LOVES eating clean.
I think this really sunk in for me when Maybelle was begging for food. Yep. I'm gonna write about my cat. ;) Anyway, she gets dry food most of the time, and occasionally she gets wet food. But whenever I make chicken or shrimp or cod, she begs for it like a maniac. So, of course I feed her, and positively reinforce the begging. Whatever, I don't care if that's bad cat etiquette, it doesn't bother me at all.
Anyway, what happens when Maybelle gets real, whole food is that within a matter of minutes after eating, she tears around the apartment absolutely crazed with energy. And, I realized, that is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL WHEN I EAT CLEAN.
Now, there's something to be said for ENJOYING your cheat meal. I will have my cheat meal this Sunday, and I will enjoy it. But I have also been intentional about ENJOYING MY CLEAN MEALS. It's hard to enjoy plain baked chicken when you're dreaming of Wegman's mac and cheese, but I'm getting there. I need to do this, because at some point in my training, the cheat meals will fall away. Probably in relatively short order.
So, I'm going to channel Amy here and say that I'm not white-knuckling it anymore. I'm going forward with grace.
Goodnight!
7:38pm...In case you're curious what I'm eating and doing at the gym, here was my schedule today:
5:17am
Got up
5:30am
8oz coffee with smidgen of French Vanilla coffee
2 egg whites
Did my morning pages, made my breakfast, packed my lunch, etc.
6:30am
Drank Glutamine
Drank SuperPUMP!!! (love that stuff)
6:50am
Went to gym, got body fat tested. Finally met the guy that owns the gym. He told me the calipers administer a little shock. I believed him. And, we had a nice giggle. It was a charming way to break the ice considering I was in a tiny little tanning room with a man I've never met who is about to measure how much fat I have on my body. I was just a little uncomfortable. ;)
7:15am
Lifting routine. A picture is at the bottom of the page. If you can't read my writing, it's Day 4 of Jamie Eason's LiveFit plan on bodybuilding.com
8:15am
Drank Muscle Martini
Ate 6 egg whites and 1/3 cup oatmeal (measured when dry).
11:20am
2 Turkey Muffins (Jamie Eason's recipe without the oatmeal-did this by mistake, but I like them better!)
8oz Kale shake
1 orange (totally not on the plan! Taking it with my iron for this week for better absorption, then I'm done with the oranges)
2:20pm
5oz plain chicken
half a sweet potato
maybe a handful of raw veggies (broccoli, cucumber, spinach, red and green peppers)
5:20pm
6oz cod, pan-fried with Pam (haven't figured out a better way to cook this)
serving of raw, unsalted almonds
8pm
Drink Glutamine
I got terrible sleep again last night. I think it's because my fan in my heater makes noise almost in a pattern but not quite, so (it's really pretty loud) must be in my sleep it startles me, and I just can't seem to get used to it.
Anyway, again, I can say that I am amazed at how much better my days are when I start it out with something I love, and then eat clean for the day. Even though for three nights, I got 6 hours or less, I made it through my day just fine.
Speaking of starting out your day...this morning I got my body fat tested! I expected it to be somewhere between 30-35% because I had a DEXA scan done when I was 27 and my body fat was 33% then. I was horrified. I couldn't imagine that it changed too drastically since then, since I am about the same size as I was then, if not a little heavier.
But, I measured a 28.5% body fat. Now, I don't know if the calipers just measured low, but I'm not worried about it, because as long as the same professional measures you, you will measure the CHANGE accurately, and that's what I really care about.
I ate clean all day except for my coffee. Today was the last day for the creamer in my coffee. And I'm trying some new ideas lately. When I noticed that I was in love with my suffering in relation to other people, meaning that I would cling to stories about how this person or that person hurt me or wronged me, I wanted to stop. I wanted to stop being in love with my suffering. Stop complaining. Stop giving it energy. Then, I realized that other things I cling to are my cheat meals. I mean, I WAIT for them like I'm dying for it, I fantasize about what I'm going to eat, and you name it. But I realized that I'm totally missing the bigger picture which is that my body LOVES eating clean.
I think this really sunk in for me when Maybelle was begging for food. Yep. I'm gonna write about my cat. ;) Anyway, she gets dry food most of the time, and occasionally she gets wet food. But whenever I make chicken or shrimp or cod, she begs for it like a maniac. So, of course I feed her, and positively reinforce the begging. Whatever, I don't care if that's bad cat etiquette, it doesn't bother me at all.
Anyway, what happens when Maybelle gets real, whole food is that within a matter of minutes after eating, she tears around the apartment absolutely crazed with energy. And, I realized, that is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL WHEN I EAT CLEAN.
Now, there's something to be said for ENJOYING your cheat meal. I will have my cheat meal this Sunday, and I will enjoy it. But I have also been intentional about ENJOYING MY CLEAN MEALS. It's hard to enjoy plain baked chicken when you're dreaming of Wegman's mac and cheese, but I'm getting there. I need to do this, because at some point in my training, the cheat meals will fall away. Probably in relatively short order.
So, I'm going to channel Amy here and say that I'm not white-knuckling it anymore. I'm going forward with grace.
Goodnight!
7:38pm...In case you're curious what I'm eating and doing at the gym, here was my schedule today:
5:17am
Got up
5:30am
8oz coffee with smidgen of French Vanilla coffee
2 egg whites
Did my morning pages, made my breakfast, packed my lunch, etc.
6:30am
Drank Glutamine
Drank SuperPUMP!!! (love that stuff)
6:50am
Went to gym, got body fat tested. Finally met the guy that owns the gym. He told me the calipers administer a little shock. I believed him. And, we had a nice giggle. It was a charming way to break the ice considering I was in a tiny little tanning room with a man I've never met who is about to measure how much fat I have on my body. I was just a little uncomfortable. ;)
7:15am
Lifting routine. A picture is at the bottom of the page. If you can't read my writing, it's Day 4 of Jamie Eason's LiveFit plan on bodybuilding.com
8:15am
Drank Muscle Martini
Ate 6 egg whites and 1/3 cup oatmeal (measured when dry).
11:20am
2 Turkey Muffins (Jamie Eason's recipe without the oatmeal-did this by mistake, but I like them better!)
8oz Kale shake
1 orange (totally not on the plan! Taking it with my iron for this week for better absorption, then I'm done with the oranges)
2:20pm
5oz plain chicken
half a sweet potato
maybe a handful of raw veggies (broccoli, cucumber, spinach, red and green peppers)
5:20pm
6oz cod, pan-fried with Pam (haven't figured out a better way to cook this)
serving of raw, unsalted almonds
8pm
Drink Glutamine
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Day 4. Let it be.
I had a phenomenal day today. I forgot how GOOD you feel when you are eating clean and starting each day with purpose!
Granted, I was tired. I have been having a hard time going to bed. I'm just so revved up! I don't ever want to sleep!
Even though I was tired, my plan does not allow those comfort foods, so I was never so tired that I couldn't focus. I am a little concerned that I only got 6 hours of sleep two nights in a row because that cuts into the time when your muscles are repairing and growing. But it's all coming.
I learned so much today! I straightened out my breakfast routine with Amy, found a way to track my progress online SO easily (it had to be easy, or I wouldn't do it), and I am READY to sign up for the 12 week challenge! Details will come later, I was supposed to take pictures tonight but couldn't fit it in.
Today I was doing my morning writing, trying to think through how to disable my very cruel inner critic, and I had a moment of clarity. I cannot yet let it go. I've been over this for the past several days with a few people, and right now it feels like it wouldn't be safe and it wouldn't be smart to let it go. That's not actually true, probably the SMARTEST thing I could do is let it go...I've noticed that if I am in fear, my inner critic has probably arrived telling me that I will never accomplish anything worthwhile or special...but what's interesting is that being in fear makes me think I need the inner critic more, and they feed each other. The inner critic makes me fearful, my fear justifies the presence of the inner critic.
For illustration: (during class)
Me: God this is really hard.
Inner Critic: Oh figures you'd give up, look at everybody else. You think THEY'RE not in pain? No, they just choose to do it anyway. Not you. You gotta stand here and pant like failure.
Me: you're right, I should get back to it........................Oh my god I can't believe how hard this is!
IC: oh here we go. Why do you bother. You would walk out right now if you could, wouldn't you?
And the conclusion I draw from that is that I NEED my inner critic because without it, I would just not care about anything. Like I need to be shamed into giving it my all.
The truth came out later, for me, when Amy asked where our minds were. She either said something about how negative messages have a negative physical impact...or it just triggered that realization. I was able at that point, to surrender to the pain (because after all, anybody can do something when they FEEL LIKE IT, it's how you persevere when you are tired that matters) and in surrendering, I decided, subconsciously, that I would finish. Pain be damned.* And my inner critic fell away.
I realize I wrote about this yesterday, but it has been really profound for me. I came up with a mantra for myself when my Inner Critic crops up again, because I'm sure it will, and resisting it just makes it worse: "If you can't let it go, then let it be."
For me, it means surrender, accept, stop fighting with it.
I learned lots of other stuff today too, but I need to go to bed.
I ate clean all day and ate in regular intervals, which hasn't happened in a long time. The one thing I have to give up is that I'm using that awful and delicious creamer in my coffee in the morning. Tomorrow is my last day of that. It's only getting in the way.
Goodnight!
*sharp pain should not be ignored, and a too-high heart rate should not be ignored. I was strictly speaking of the "feel the burn!" Variety that made Susan Powter famous. If that's even her name.
Granted, I was tired. I have been having a hard time going to bed. I'm just so revved up! I don't ever want to sleep!
Even though I was tired, my plan does not allow those comfort foods, so I was never so tired that I couldn't focus. I am a little concerned that I only got 6 hours of sleep two nights in a row because that cuts into the time when your muscles are repairing and growing. But it's all coming.
I learned so much today! I straightened out my breakfast routine with Amy, found a way to track my progress online SO easily (it had to be easy, or I wouldn't do it), and I am READY to sign up for the 12 week challenge! Details will come later, I was supposed to take pictures tonight but couldn't fit it in.
Today I was doing my morning writing, trying to think through how to disable my very cruel inner critic, and I had a moment of clarity. I cannot yet let it go. I've been over this for the past several days with a few people, and right now it feels like it wouldn't be safe and it wouldn't be smart to let it go. That's not actually true, probably the SMARTEST thing I could do is let it go...I've noticed that if I am in fear, my inner critic has probably arrived telling me that I will never accomplish anything worthwhile or special...but what's interesting is that being in fear makes me think I need the inner critic more, and they feed each other. The inner critic makes me fearful, my fear justifies the presence of the inner critic.
For illustration: (during class)
Me: God this is really hard.
Inner Critic: Oh figures you'd give up, look at everybody else. You think THEY'RE not in pain? No, they just choose to do it anyway. Not you. You gotta stand here and pant like failure.
Me: you're right, I should get back to it........................Oh my god I can't believe how hard this is!
IC: oh here we go. Why do you bother. You would walk out right now if you could, wouldn't you?
And the conclusion I draw from that is that I NEED my inner critic because without it, I would just not care about anything. Like I need to be shamed into giving it my all.
The truth came out later, for me, when Amy asked where our minds were. She either said something about how negative messages have a negative physical impact...or it just triggered that realization. I was able at that point, to surrender to the pain (because after all, anybody can do something when they FEEL LIKE IT, it's how you persevere when you are tired that matters) and in surrendering, I decided, subconsciously, that I would finish. Pain be damned.* And my inner critic fell away.
I realize I wrote about this yesterday, but it has been really profound for me. I came up with a mantra for myself when my Inner Critic crops up again, because I'm sure it will, and resisting it just makes it worse: "If you can't let it go, then let it be."
For me, it means surrender, accept, stop fighting with it.
I learned lots of other stuff today too, but I need to go to bed.
I ate clean all day and ate in regular intervals, which hasn't happened in a long time. The one thing I have to give up is that I'm using that awful and delicious creamer in my coffee in the morning. Tomorrow is my last day of that. It's only getting in the way.
Goodnight!
*sharp pain should not be ignored, and a too-high heart rate should not be ignored. I was strictly speaking of the "feel the burn!" Variety that made Susan Powter famous. If that's even her name.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Day 3, To my inner critic: Shut up.
So, I had a great day today. It was my first day back at work, and it felt so good to be back. I went to the gym before work (seriously later than I had intended, but these things happen). I even made an appointment to get my body fat % taken! I don't know that I will need it, or even trust it's accuracy, but I feel like down the line it might serve me in some way.
Anyway, so I had to take all my shower stuff, food, even breakfast with me when I left for the gym. I even had to blend myself a protein shake and put it in a coffee thing too keep it cold. I knew I would need to drink it after I worked out in order to feed my muscles after my workout in that 30 minute period of time. The point of all this is that I dragged two big bags into the gym this morning and felt a little awkward, but it made the rest of my day work so beautifully.
At 5:30pm, I went to Amy's class. I've been so delinquent about going for the past two months that I felt a little ashamed of myself. And that's just the beginning. I began an internal verbal assault on myself before the class even got started. It was a whole lot of shaming, like, "look what you've done to yourself! You're so out of shape!" And my personal favorite, "oh yeah, that's right, this is because YOU DON'T FINISH ANYTHING! You couldn't finish that 12 week program, and you're pooping out when you still have ten seconds to go! No wonder you can't reach your goals!" Have I ever mentioned how this has persisted in every facet of my life? I mean, I personally think I self-sabotage just to MAKE THIS BELIEF TRUE. Oh wait, that might be more evidence of me criticizing myself. Well, anyway... I was really being terrible to myself until we started doing mountain climbers and Amy said something as she was coaching the class...I don't remember what it was, but it was generally encouraging at least. I think it had to do with focusing on our abs, and my abs were killing me. I decided to surrender. My goal was to surrender to the pain. You know, feel the pain and continue anyway. But by repeating surrender in my head several times, I surrendered to the inner critic. I stopped resisting it, and it kind of disappeared.
It dawned on me that I finish things literally ALL THE TIME! I've never walked out of a fitness class. There are plenty of shifts at Green Bowl that I have stayed through to the bitter end. There are projects that I fought through bitterly to finish.
Now granted, I did quit after 6 weeks if the bodybuilding plan I was on. I hardly think I am the first person to do that. What's more, I LEARNED from that! The first six weeks of this program are going to be so familiar to me!
Anyway. I finish things. All the time. So my inner critic can shut the eff up.
Anyway, so I had to take all my shower stuff, food, even breakfast with me when I left for the gym. I even had to blend myself a protein shake and put it in a coffee thing too keep it cold. I knew I would need to drink it after I worked out in order to feed my muscles after my workout in that 30 minute period of time. The point of all this is that I dragged two big bags into the gym this morning and felt a little awkward, but it made the rest of my day work so beautifully.
At 5:30pm, I went to Amy's class. I've been so delinquent about going for the past two months that I felt a little ashamed of myself. And that's just the beginning. I began an internal verbal assault on myself before the class even got started. It was a whole lot of shaming, like, "look what you've done to yourself! You're so out of shape!" And my personal favorite, "oh yeah, that's right, this is because YOU DON'T FINISH ANYTHING! You couldn't finish that 12 week program, and you're pooping out when you still have ten seconds to go! No wonder you can't reach your goals!" Have I ever mentioned how this has persisted in every facet of my life? I mean, I personally think I self-sabotage just to MAKE THIS BELIEF TRUE. Oh wait, that might be more evidence of me criticizing myself. Well, anyway... I was really being terrible to myself until we started doing mountain climbers and Amy said something as she was coaching the class...I don't remember what it was, but it was generally encouraging at least. I think it had to do with focusing on our abs, and my abs were killing me. I decided to surrender. My goal was to surrender to the pain. You know, feel the pain and continue anyway. But by repeating surrender in my head several times, I surrendered to the inner critic. I stopped resisting it, and it kind of disappeared.
It dawned on me that I finish things literally ALL THE TIME! I've never walked out of a fitness class. There are plenty of shifts at Green Bowl that I have stayed through to the bitter end. There are projects that I fought through bitterly to finish.
Now granted, I did quit after 6 weeks if the bodybuilding plan I was on. I hardly think I am the first person to do that. What's more, I LEARNED from that! The first six weeks of this program are going to be so familiar to me!
Anyway. I finish things. All the time. So my inner critic can shut the eff up.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Day 2, learned so much!
It's past my bedtime, so I can't write much, but I will say that I finally learned the explanation as to why your body will not burn fat 48 hours after you drink alcohol. Tied in with that is why diet soda just ain't helping me out, even though I get a little boost from it. Short explanation is that the liver has 2 jobs: getting rid of harmful substances (alcohol, HFCS, aspartame) and burning fat, and is does not do them simultaneously. So, if it's tied up getting rid of neurotoxins and other crazy crap, your body will just keep that extra fat, TYVM.
So, for two days I have been able to say no to diet soda, almost as I was reaching for it.
I did a ton of food prep today: turkey muffins, chicken, sweet potatoes, cut up raw veggies, kale shake...may not sound like much, but it took forever AND I had to clean out the fridge!
I also managed to write my behavior checklist for the rest of the week so I can track and congratulate myself for successes. Like, today, for example when I managed to eat clean for the whole day! It took a lot of coaching to avoid the Wegman's brown sugar and cinnamon finishing butter on my sweet potato!
Which reminds me...
This week, and probably for the next 12 weeks, I will be practicing lots of self-discipline. I'm really excited to see this program through to the end. I don't have to do everything perfectly, I just have to FINISH STRONG!
So, for two days I have been able to say no to diet soda, almost as I was reaching for it.
I did a ton of food prep today: turkey muffins, chicken, sweet potatoes, cut up raw veggies, kale shake...may not sound like much, but it took forever AND I had to clean out the fridge!
I also managed to write my behavior checklist for the rest of the week so I can track and congratulate myself for successes. Like, today, for example when I managed to eat clean for the whole day! It took a lot of coaching to avoid the Wegman's brown sugar and cinnamon finishing butter on my sweet potato!
Which reminds me...
This week, and probably for the next 12 weeks, I will be practicing lots of self-discipline. I'm really excited to see this program through to the end. I don't have to do everything perfectly, I just have to FINISH STRONG!
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