My first day!

Granted, I definitely ate better overall ever since learning about sugar and carbs versus protein and vegetables. But today was the first day I ate clean EVERY MEAL! Egg whites for breakfast, green bowl for lunch (only used sesame oil and lemon pepper seasoning...probably more fat than I need, but NO HFCS!), protein shake, then turkey muffins and an orange. Ok ok ok, the orange probably does not belong. Especially not at 7pm. But, I was having a craving to SABOTAGE my plan. Seriously I think the only reason I wanted anything but clean food was to prove to myself that I'm never going to succeed at this.
But I recognized it, that tendency to opt out of the difficult thing, and made a different choice.
After all that, I remembered that the first few days are the hardest. DUH! The first few days of ANYTHING ARE THE HARDEST! I'm happy to report I made it through.
I even did my workout! I put serious effort into concentrating on the muscle today, and I was able to do more push-ups than I realized without straining my elbows! So yay! Now I'm rewarding myself some more with Breaking Bad.

Getting over the hurdles T minus 1 day

Today is my first shot at daily blog posts from my phone, my bed that take less than ten minutes. I can already tell you I avoided it pretty tough.
But here is a rundown of my day. I stayed up pretty late last night because...well because I was avoiding things. I was watching Breaking Bad and decided to fall asleep on the couch. Bad idea.
Anyway, today I got up at 11am and felt like a loser for staying up so late and sleeping in so late, so I immediately set out to right that.
I've been feeling kind of sick lately,with a sore throat and all, but I also know my apartment is very dry, so I boiled some water and immediately felt some relief.
I started reading my Chalene Johnson book immediately and got through a few chapters today, but I didn't accomplish half of what I set out to do...
Oops! Rule #1 I learned from Amy is to celebrate the POSITIVE! So, what I did was read 3 chapters in Chalene's book, buy some more groceries, take a nap try out some new apps on my phone, make a to do list, try to print competition pics for my vision board (center closed at 8pm, darn it!) read some Seth Godin at Barnes and Noble, and descale the Keurig.
Tomorrow I plan on following through on making my meals, a behavior checklist, taking pics and creating a Bronze Goddess vision board, creating my affirmations, and creating a measurement chart.
I had a goal of drinking 4 30oz bottles of water today, and I got two today. We will do better tomorrow.
Finally, this keyboard is really difficult to use at the moment. I was so much better at Swype! Well, anyway. I can give myself credit for doing my blog, just not in less than ten minutes!

Where to start? Day T minus 2 days.

That is the question I have been asking myself for the past two weeks in regards to this mission of seeing my belly muscles.  Where to start?  When to start?  How to start?  Why start now?  So.  I haven't started. 
Well, I could say that I did manage to go to the gym a few times in the past two weeks.  I guess what I really mean is that I haven't committed to another 12 week program yet.  In this year and a half long process of change, I have found that starting is the hardest part.  I've also learned that falling off the path is all part of the process.  The winning is in getting back on.  Here are some things I've learned about how to start, where to start, when to start, and why to start right now.

• Accept yourself as you are, right now.  Weigh yourself, measure yourself, take pictures, try on clothes you wished you fit into...whatever it is that you do to look at the reality of where you are, right now.  Do you know how many plates of nachos I have eaten or workouts I have skipped in the name of denial?  They give you this advice when you're tackling your finances too.  If you're too afraid to face your reality, right now, you're not going to change.

• Sooooo.  If I took my own advice, I suppose I would go do that.

1. Exhibit A:  Killing two birds with one stone.  Picture AND jeans.  Looking to reduce the spillover, but accepting where I am today.
2. Weight:  144.0lbs.
1. Measurements:
   L Arm: 10 1/2 (straight and relaxed)
   R Arm: 10 3/4 (straight and relaxed)
   Bust: 37 3/4
   Chest: 32 1/2
   Waist:  34 1/2 (straight) 36 (through belly button)
   Hips:  39
   Butt:  39 1/2
   L Thigh:  23 1/2  Midway 19 1/2
   R Thigh:  23 1/2  Midway 19 1/2
   L Calf:  13 1/4
   R Calf:  13 1/8

Ok!  Now in all that excitement, I had to search all over for my measuring tape that I lost months ago.  I DO NOT LOSE THINGS.  And, when something is misplaced, I will stop at almost nothing until it is recovered, or I can be satisfied that someone else threw it away or otherwise actually lost it.  As you might imagine, this can be difficult for other people who could get blamed for losing said object, and YES, I am guilty of being quick to blame others.  I'm working on it. :)
Anyway, I found the tape measure.  Turns out I tucked it behind a little mirror on my wall in my bedroom so I could see myself better.  I must have thought that was such a clever place, and I'd never "lose" it there.  Ha ha.  That's funny.  I ALSO decided to try and revive my iPod Nano, which I have revived a few times, but it always fails again, and rather quickly too. 
This would be SO AWESOME IF IT ACTUALLY WORKED!  I have been working out at the gym without music for about two years now.  I would LOVE to start working out to music again.  It would be a really nice addition to my morning routine.
Ah, but now, we have to get back to the steps that help me.

• Create a morning routine.  For so long, I have rolled out of bed at the last possible minute, dreading the thing I had to get up and go do.  Now, I have a routine.  I try to get up at 5am and have my coffee and do something called my "morning pages".  I learned about it from Julia Cameron, who wrote a book called The Artist's Way, which suggests writing in stream of consciousness style for 30 minutes, first thing in the morning.  Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, and most importantly, do not check Facebook.  Mel Robbins also calls this a "brain dump". Right now I have two goals in mind, and this 12 week plan is number TWO in priority, so it has to fold into the first priority.  Here is what my morning routine looks like:
• Wake up at 5am (may need to adjust this to 6am).
• Read affirmations 3 times out loud.
• Focus on vision board.  Try to use all 5 senses to visualize reaching your goals.
• Feed and water Maybelle.
• Make coffee, light candles.
• Write for 30 minutes (or about 5 pages in my journal).
• Meditate for 10-15 minutes.
• Write 10 minutes of content for other blog
• 6am or 7am, depending: Drink glutamine and SuperPump, eat 2 egg whites.
• Go to gym.  Workout should take one hour or one and a half hours.  Plan accordingly.  Travel back and forth to gym will take 20 minutes total.
• Drink glutamine or Muscle Martini in car on the way home.  (I'm not sure about this, I drink an awful lot of glutamine.)
• Make protein shake, drink it within a half hour of ending workout.
• Take shower, get ready for work.
• Eat breakfast, pack meals.
• Be at work by 9am or 11am, depending on the day.

So, that's my morning routine, and I jump out of bed for it, it's my favorite time of day.  This gets me moving in the morning and I know I need to do certain things at certain times, or they will be skipped.  Onto the next thing I must do in order to get committed to a plan.

•  Make a chart, something, anything to document achievements.  The first time I did this, I simply weighed myself every day.  I quickly learned that weight fluctuates a whole lot and this can REALLY backfire.  Amy, who has been with me every step of the way, told me that, but of course I had to learn the hard way.  I got hung up on the number Every. Single. Day.  If I had been working really hard at eating clean and the numbers didn't change the way I wanted them to, it was easy to justify a donut or something.  So, when I really committed to a 12 week lifting program that Amy recommended, I decided I would NOT step on the scale.  At All.  Instead, I decided to follow the program to the letter, knowing and trusting that if I did the work, it would do the trick.  That's what I plan on doing this time, too, but I still document.  I love the phrase:  Change is checking days off on a calendar.  To remind myself of that DAILY commitment, I have 3 months worth of a calendar taped to the wall in my kitchen.  Every day that I follow the program, I put a specific color post-it up on the day, with a nugget of something I did or learned that day.

It's a little way to celebrate and to see how far I've come, how long I've stayed on the program.  I will also need to make a chart to compare measurements from Day 0 to Day 30 to Day 60 to Day 90.  You can't really see, but the orange squares are little things I keep around, "You become what you think about." "Alcohol is a place to hide." And, now that I'm looking at it, I can see that I need to get rid of my December calendar...and does that mean I need to start TOMORROW?  I may not be ready for that.  We'll see.

• Finally, and most importantly:  Recruit people to help you achieve your goal.  That's why I wrote this introductory blog, to reach out and charge up my friends that have been so helpful in this pursuit.  Amy has been patiently coaxing me along, and I couldn't do it without her expertise and encouragement.  And I can't thank the friends that have been pushing me along enough!  I can't tell you how a simple comment or check-in has turned my whole day around on many occasions.  In doing this, I have also been able to pay it forward and be helpful to someone else on a day when they are struggling.  So...LET'S DO THIS THING!!!

Oh, what exactly is this thing?  Well.  Here's my vision.  I'm not getting any younger.  And I have always wanted to see my belly muscles.  So, I am on a Bronze Goddess Mission for this summer, the summer I turn 33.  That's right.  I said it.  Bronze Goddess.  ME.  Can you get behind me on that???  I'm a little nervous to put it out there (because I could be so easily ridiculed), but I also need a GOAL that delights my senses.  Why can I be confident I can do it?  I have all the help, all the tools, all the time, and all the determination I need to do it.

I have lots more work to do, like actually making the food, reading more of my Chalene Johnson book, and finding a way to do a blog entry every day, but THIS blog entry is...

• Getting the momentum going.  And that is the final trick.  For real this time. :)

13 days of this program!

I wanted to write a meaningful blog today that wasn't just me checking in. But, it's 9:39pm and I wanted to be sleeping by now.
I can say that I went to Kerry's yoga class for the first time in a LONG time this weekend, and it was so worth it.  Somehow, between Kerry and Amy, they both manage to get me to give more than I thought I could. 
I also learned and reinforced that I've already decided how this is going to end.
I cooked 24 turkey muffins today, made salad for the week, made kale shakes for a few days, made sweet potatoes for 4 days, and egg whites for 5 days.  I put my lunch together in the fridge so that it's just easy to grab it and go.
This week is my first full week back to work, and it's also the first full week of strength training and building muscle.  I wonder if it will be much different than what I'm doing with the modifications that Amy gave me (aim for 6-10 reps, try to find the place where your muscle fails, lower the weight slightly with each set). 
But, it's time for me to go to bed.
One more thing:  I've totally abandoned measuring and weighing because I get too wrapped up in wanting to see change from one day to the next.  I found that I was looking for specific things to change, like my waist would get smaller, my back would be more defined, etc.  But what I'm finding now that I'm not anticipating and expecting changes in certain places, I'm actually noticing WHAT IS changing.  For example...I'm gonna hurt somebody with these arms :) :) :).  Seriously.  I am working with some dangerous guns here.  AND, I just happened to notice that there's a muscle somewhere between the back of my leg and my inner thigh that I never noticed before that I am TOTALLY building.  Also, the outside of my quad by my knee is starting to develop. 
I wasn't looking for those kinds of changes before, so I totally missed them and thought nothing was changing.
But, whatever.  I'm onto my "Do the program, eat the right food at the right time, and get enough sleep.  Changes will occur."
I'll say it again:  I've already decided how this story ends.
Good night all!

Fast blog, I'm supposed to be in bed!

I just have to say that I was afraid to take Amy's HIIT class last night, but I woke up this morning feeling SO SKINNY!

And, that it's super important to be in bed early/on time because otherwise my brain says I deserve to sleep.

So.  5:30am, here I come!

I'm totally getting the hang of this.

So, it's Day 9, and starting this plan while I was on vacation (well, off of work, I was simply trying to mentally disconnect and rejuvenate while re-organizing) was a GREAT idea.
I'm finding the affirmations really work.  Tomorrow I need to get up by 5:30am because I did a dry run today and I'll need that much time in order to get to work on time.

I did my lifting today and WOW!  MY PUSHUPS!  I have struggled with the fact that I can't seem to go down past a certain point in the pushup, but today, I noticed that had changed.  Now, when I got to the narrow pushups, I couldn't do much at all.  My chest/triceps were already fatiguing.  I had to do those on my knees, and I squeezed every little bit I could out of them.

I am noticing however, that lifting seems to take away my brainpower.  I just am not as sharp on the mornings after I lift.  Or all day, for that matter.  Maybe this is something I will adjust to.  You'd think I'd be super-sharp.  I'm super-sharp after starting the day with cardio.

Ah, well.  In order to set myself up for success, I've gotten all my steps ready for tomorrow.  Oh. That's not true.  I still need to lay out work out clothes, after-gym glutamine, and work clothes.  But my food is almost all ready.  Yams are still baking.  Laundry is still in the dryer.

But it's early to bed for me, so good night!

Made my first vision board today!

Today was a weird day.  I've been off from work for about two weeks now, and only now do I finally feel rested and ready to go back.  I'm glad that day came!  I was worried for awhile, because I kept having this low-level irritation that I couldn't get rid of. 
The weirdness started at 5:57am when I woke up three minutes before my alarm went off.  Normally when that happens, I have a feeling of dread and want to sink back into sleep for 3 minutes hours.  Oh, let's be honest, I want to sleep for the rest of the day. 
Some people would probably be able to peg this as depression, and I wouldn't argue with them, I am predisposed to it, but I try to keep tabs on it.  I've been medicated, but I'd rather use exercise and nutrition and healthy social circles to stay on top of it.  Medication has other effects, like muting all your OTHER feelings. 
But today, TODAY when I woke up and saw the time, I turned on my light and picked up my phone to check out Facebook.  I've found that once I start looking at Facebook, sleep is just no longer a possibility.  I actually got out of bed at 6:11am.  I'd like to eliminate those extra 14 minutes spent looking at Facebook and just immediately get out of bed.

So, just waking up was different.  Then, I went downstairs to have my coffee and write down the dreams I had been having because they were AWESOME!  I mean, they were so far above awesome that I seriously considered starting a blog about my dreams, but then I realized 1) I would never have time to actually blog about all of them and 2) They would make sense and be interesting to no one except myself and perhaps my therapist.  And she doesn't read my blog.

I needed to run off the coffee I had just enjoyed as my reward for not going back to sleep.  (Fun fact about coffee, if you drink it and don't work out, it messes with your sugar levels.) So, I suited up and headed out.  I had SO MUCH ENERGY! IT FELT SO GOOD!  So I just kept running (45 min?) at an easy, pace, mind you.  One, because, who doesn't love running at a pace that's just enjoyable?  And Two, because on this 12 week plan I'm on, I'm not supposed to do any cardio until the 5th week.  The thinking is that cardio would take calories away from muscle-building in this stage.  At any rate, even though I was trying to be really relaxed, my left shoulder felt like I was pulling it out of its socket.  I don't know what to make of that, but I don't like it.  And, when I took a nap later in the day, I had my left arm back behind my head, and when I woke up, I felt like my joint had frozen in that position.  Ouch.  Guess I'll be telling my chiropractor about that.

Oh, so I forgot to mention a teeny little detail about why I had so much energy.  Last night, I suddenly got ravenously hungry while grocery shopping at Wegman's.  I decided now would be a good time to buy PopChips.  But, I couldn't decide on which flavor!  Sweet potato? Barbeque potato?  Cheddar potato?  So I do what I always do when I can't decide:  I got all three.  THEN, since I was IN THE ORGANIC SECTION, I decided NOW would be a great time to follow Amy's advice about eating chocolate:  If you're gonna eat it, eat dark chocolate that is ??% cacao.  OH I COULDN'T REMEMBER!  I felt like the 85% was advertised as being extremely dark, and I didn't know if that was for me, so I got 72%.  (I was really trying to find this awesome chocolate my friend had when I visited her in NY.  She's like a chocolate connoisseur.  And I liked that chocolate.)  Anyway. 

My demise went like this:  I'll just try ONE PopChip in the car. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Oh that was such a funny idea I had in my head.

What really happened is that by the time I made it to the Petco parking lot (in the same complex) I had eaten a serving of PopChips.  I'd like to thank a certain woman with the last name of Lane who happens to be involved in dog rescue for this mishap.  But it wasn't over.  Then I decided I should JUST TRY the chocolate.  To be fair, I did pick the chocolate that came individually wrapped.  I could have had the candy bar I picked up in the checkout aisle.  Yes.  I bought more chocolate as I was checking out.  But it was 72% cacao, and organic. 

Anyway.  When it was all said and done, I had two servings of PopChips (OMG so good, curse you JTL.)  And I had two squares of awesomely delicious crumbly chocolate like I've never had before.

I knew I should have eaten protein beforehand to stem the absorption of carbs into my system, but...well...I didn't do that.  So I knew I needed to eat protein FAST, as soon as I got home.  Luckily, Due to my diligent preparation, I had plenty of egg whites to choose from.

End of story, I did a little damage with my diet, but in the end, it wasn't all that bad, and hopefully I ran off the excess carbs (or some of them) this morning, and I did NOT continue on a binge, or get into any junk food today. 

Did you read that?  I ATE TOTALLY CLEAN TODAY. 
On to why else today was weird.  I got things done.  Like, COMPLETED.
It's all because I took Chalene Johnson's advice and started using an app on my Android.  It's the best thing ever.  Because of that app, I FINALLY made myself a vision board.  Something I've wanted to do for years.  It just kept reminding me and for the past three days, I clipped from magazines, and finally today, I put it all together.

There are 4 basic goals that I can gather from what I put together:  1) Have a killer career, which involves large groups of people somehow, 2) Be in the best shape of my life, especially so I can see my belly muscles, 3) Travel to lots of places with the purpose of appreciating nature, 4) Fall in love with a tall, dark horse and it will be mine.

Because of this app, called Astrid Task Manager, I also FINALLY wrote my affirmations.  I've heard a lot about the psychology of repeating things to yourself being effective, but I just never sat down and did it.  Having all this free time on my hands certainly helped.  I'm experimenting with the idea that "The conscious mind dictates, the subconscious mind obeys."  Also, like Henry Ford said...something like, "If you think you can or you think you can't, either way, you're right."
I ALSO established a morning routine and an EVENING routine so I can make sure I spend time visualizing and meditating every day.  And, get my dishes done.  I'm sure not every day will be perfect, but at least I have a target.

One last thing that was weird about today.  I spent the entire day alone, and didn't feel the urge to fill that time with anyone else's presence.  Normally, if I have that much time to myself, I feel like I didn't use it wisely if I spend it alone.  It gives me anxiety.  But today, I had projects to complete.  Maybe that's the difference.  This time, the projects were IN MY FACE (thanks Astrid!), and usually they're just out of my awareness, so I involve other people in order to avoid those projects.  Hm.  Interesting.

Oh wait.  There's one more weird thing.  I took a nap from 12pm to 3pm (that's not weird) and I am still ready to go to bed at 10pm (that's weird, and wonderful).  During that nap, I had a high-definition-style dream where my dream horse wandered into my life.  Big, dark, beautiful and female.  I don't know why I want a female horse, shouldn't matter, but ah, who knows.  Maybe I'll end up with many horses and I can figure out if I really prefer them. 

Well goodnight.  And you can be sure my blogs won't be this long when I go back to work.

One week of lifting complete!

I don't have much time to write, as it's 9:47pm and I wanted to be sleeping by 10pm, but I'm LEARNING SO MUCH!

One, being on vacation has allowed me to eat at 3 hour intervals.  I never get cravings.  Period.  End of story.  Now, maybe that's temporary, but it's wonderful.  I know what I'm going to eat, and I eat it.  I'm so glad I learned that.  I didn't realize how detrimental it was to get too hungry before.

Two, I got up at 6:13am this morning.  I'm so happy about that fact.  I easily could have slept for two more hours, but it's a habit I want to have to be up between 5am and 6am every morning.

Three, I'm gonna have wicked arms in no time.

Four, I keep sneaking fat into my diet.  First it was with the salad dressing, then it was by cooking my kale with a TB of sesame oil at Green Bowl.  I'll stop doing that.

Five, I don't know how I'm going to NOT work out.  I want to do a recovery run tomorrow morning, but it's against the plan.  The plan is to rest.  But I don't want to.  I'm afraid that I will lose momentum.

Well, I suppose I just have to DECIDE not to lose momentum. 

Alright.  Goodnight.

Day 4 on the plan. No excuses!

I'm learning that if I can fix ONE bad habit, I can nail this 12 week plan.  That one bad habit is getting up at 6am, every day, and going to bed by 10pm, every night.  Let's try this.

Had a good day today.  Only thing less than perfect was I had a little milk with my coffee, and a tiny bit of balsamic vinaigrette dressing on my salad.  I believe I ate 4 times, plus my pre-workout eggs.

Tomorrow, the gym doesn't open until I'm already at work, so my lifting will have to be in the afternoon.

Good night all!

Wahoo, Day 3 on the plan! Motto: Just Do It.

So it's 10:32pm and I was supposed to be sleeping 32 minutes ago.  I guess I need to keep this brief.
Here's what I ate:
9:30am 3 egg whites
Went to the gym.  Did this workout:

Went home 11:30am, drank protein shake, ate 5 egg whites and had a banana. 
2:30pm had 2 turkey muffins and a salad with good seasons balsamic vinaigrette and italian seasoning dressing.  (I feel like I would get further along on my diet if I skipped the salad dressing.  It tastes good, so I haven't let go.  Maybe that can be my goal for the next few days.  Get used to dry salad.)
6:00pm 6oz chicken breast, some cauliflower, a handful of grapes.

I'm pretty sure that's all I ate today.  Oh, I did have coffee before the gym, and I did have most of an Honest Tea today.

But, what's really exciting is I did some more prep work, read up some more on this program, and cooked some food.  I made 2 batches of turkey muffins...enough to last for 6 days (plus what I already have).  I also hard-boiled and peeled 10 eggs and made 5 ziplock bags with 2 egg whites each that I can just grab on my way out the door in the morning.  I also baked 2 yams and cut them up into appropriate serving sizes, and stored in ziplock bags.  But I'm thinking all that plastic probably has negative effects.  I should figure something else out.

In the meantime.  I wrote down my workout for tomorrow.  All I need to do is shower, finish this blog, set out my clothes and go to bed.

Tomorrow, I'm creating a vision board and making affirmations.  I just did a recording on my phone to motivate me to get out of bed on time.  That's actually really exciting to me (first of all, I wasn't sure if I knew how to do it) because I was just reading this thing that Brian Tracy wrote about Program Your Subconscious that repeated some things I've heard but have recently experienced success with.  So, now, to kill two birds with one stone, my alarm clock will be full of me hearing affirmations!  YAY!  Call me a nerd, but when I've got killer abs, I'll have the last laugh.  ;) Oh I almost forgot my motivating pic!

I'm BACK with a 12-week plan!

It's August 29th and I've been on vacation for a full week and a half.  My plan was to rest, organize, visit my friend in New York, and create a vision for a 12 week plan.  So far, I've rested and visited my friend.  I've spent a lot of time catching up with other friends too, so maybe that was something that was missing.

At any rate, I watched lots of True Blood and saw this image of Sookie that was awfully inspiring:

I mean, DAMN, GIRL!  She looked so good I watched it in slow motion.
Anyway.  Those are my daily doses of inspiration that I need to incorporate into my day.

I mean, seriously, did you SEE THAT?  Look at those abs!  Those thighs!  Wow.  I just can't stop.  She must have worked really hard for that.  And I'm gonna work really hard to look my best too.

While I'm at it...that's just for your gratuitous viewing pleasure.

Alright.  Seriously now, getting back to my plan.  Amy was AWESOME and pointed me to this website: www.bodybuilding.com, where I found a 12 week plan for females.  Today was my first real day on that plan.  I haven't entirely wrapped my head around it.

When I did Amy's plan it was simple:  Here are the times you eat, here's what to eat, here's how much.  I've mastered preparing that food and it was doable.
With this plan, it is new.  I'm eating egg whites twice a day.  I'm making turkey meatloaf muffins.  It's all new and I don't have it down yet.

To be honest, I should probably take 5 minutes and look at what I'm supposed to do tomorrow.
Ok, so I took 30 min and looked at what I'm supposed to do tomorrow.
This meal plan and exercise plan is a little different than what I'm used to because it's about building muscle in the first phase.  I will eat A LOT of protein.

So, this means I have a few things to accomplish tomorrow.
Wake up, have a couple of egg whites, go to the gym.  Maybe coffee.  Trying to break myself of that habit.
Be done with the gym, drink a protein shake, eat egg whites and banana.
Use Chalene Johnson's reverse engineering to come up with a plan and a to-do list.
Do some organizing.  Start with 5 minutes.
Eat every three hours.
At some point, I need to run an errand for work.
I will avoid electronics tomorrow and maybe read some of the books I wanted to check off my list.  Maybe.  This muscle building thing takes a lot of effort, though.  Maybe instead I'll plan out my vision for the next 12 weeks.  Familiarize myself with the program, make some more turkey muffins.  They're great for protein on the go!

Alright, for now, I'm way past my bedtime.

Oh, but I haven't said:  I made myself a profile on the bodybuilding website, very happy with the tools there!  And the other thing is that I certainly didn't eat 7 times today.  I had 2 egg whites, then meant to go to the gym, but totally didn't until after my first real meal (egg whites, banana, oatmeal).  Then ate a protein shake, apple, nuts and two muffins after the gym (totally not what the plan calls for...no nuts on this plan), then I took a nap.  I needed it.  Then I ate a dinner at some point.  Egg whites and a salad (with dressing.  Totally not on the plan).  So that's 3 and a half meals.  Tomorrow I'll do better.

6 Days, and I Didn't Self-Sabotage!

I'm pretty proud of myself except for the fact that it's 8:50pm and I'm sitting at work when I want to take a Benadryl by 9pm.  So, this will be short.

Gold stars all around today!!!

I got up at 7am...my goal was that I get a reward if I got up by 7am (trying to fight the demon of hitting snooze for an hour and a half...I want it to up ALARM=SLEEPY TIME ENDS).  I actually crawled out of bed at 7:20am, but I did look at my phone for a few minutes first.  This is very good, though!

I ate 4 meals today!  Yay!  Here's the breakdown:
8am: typical breakfast, eggs, oatmeal, kale shake, banana, coffee...exactly the way I'm supposed to have it.
10am: more coffee
11:15am: protein shake, apple, almonds, (portioned.  No ability to eat mindlessly :)!) Kale shake
2pm: chicken pan fried in coconut oil, broccoli, cauliflower, 1pc ezekiel bread, 1 T butter, Kale shake, 1/2 honest tea
7pm: chicken (left over from pan frying), with melted string cheese, 1/2 honest tea.
OOOH, I almost forgot...at 8pm, I REALLY WANTED the PB M&Ms that were in the chocolate drawer at work.  At first I thought I'd have one.  Then two.  Then THREE.  We know how this story goes, right?  So I stopped, and posted what I was doing on Facebook so that I would have accountability and WOULD NOT CONTINUE.  And I did not.  Yay!  (It wasn't worth it, btw, shoulda just waited out that craving.)

I did Amy's PiYo class tonight, which was SO challenging, and I tried to be really mindful of how my body was moving to get the MOST out of the movements.  I'm thinking I might need to start doing pushups on my knees...I normally do them military style (LIKE A BOSS! hehe), but I can only go halfway down (and that's being generous). I found that doing them on my knees, I can touch my nose to the floor, and one big fat goal of mine is to be able to kick ass at some pushups.  I'm thinking I can develop those muscles a little faster if I throw some girly pushups in the mix.  Of course I'll keep doing regular pushups, because that way I'll know how the change is coming along.

Well, I'm sure there's more I could say, but I've got to get home and go to bed and all that.  Get ready for success tomorrow.

August 5. I've have 5 straight great days!

I have absolutely zero energy at the moment.  I caught myself playing Bubble Witch Saga when I could be blogging, showering, or going to bed, so I thought I should get started on that.

I've just discovered that I haven't been getting good sleep and that made it very difficult for me to remember WHY I cared to eat well in the first place, let alone actually CHOOSE eating well over something that would be more like self-medicating for someone who was so exhausted.

Anyway, I do have a temporary solution.  I'm making bedtime a priority and taking Benadryl so that my allergies don't mess with my breathing and that I'll get more restful sleep.  I'm probably being a big baby, but whatever.  Literally.  I will do WHATEVER it takes, even if it means being called a big baby.

There's something about this fitness goal that tells me it is just the beginning of the other goals in life I want.  Fitness isn't just about how great you look in clothes.  When you take good care of yourself, you perform at your optimum.  I'm ready to make changes in my life that STICK.  That way, the eating well and exercising daily will just be second nature when I'm tackling the next big thing in my life.  Which I have no idea what that is, but I'm open to it. :)

Anyway, here's how the past 5 days went.  They weren't perfect, but I rediscovered some tricks of the trade I forgot:

1.  Food Journal.
Keeping a food journal is quite possibly the most effective tool for eating well.  I literally found that I would strike the memory of eating something off my plan out of my brain almost as soon as it happened.  Keeping a food journal really helps my accountability.
2.  Surrender.  Surrender to the fact that YES right now a Diet Pepsi would taste phenomenal.  And it would help me feel less tired.  Or that piece of chocolate sounds great.  Or, everyone else is celebrating with Rita's.  Or pizza.  Or we're having a party with off-my-plan food for one reason or another.  Surrender all those wants.  Know that you are going to feel the craving, you're going to WANT WANT WANT.  Acknowledge the want and make a decision.  I used to be a slave to those cravings...I suppose sometimes I still am.  But I have a tool and that tool is to RECOGNIZE the feeling, and SURRENDER it.

Anyway, for the past 5 days, I haven't necessarily eaten ON TIME, but I have eaten well.  I also think that today was the only day I actually ate four meals.  The other days I only got three...I don't really remember.

I DID work out EVERY SINGLE DAY, though!  I am so proud of myself!  Wed I did Amy's class...I'm not sure I pushed myself to the absolute limit though.  We do this 8 minute circuit of 20 side touches, 10 pushups with elbow lift, 20 mountain climbers, 10 vertical jumps.  I have been kind of pooping out on the pushups, and taking breaks in between...

Also makes me think I should be taking my iron supplement daily again, oops!

But this one time Amy stood by me and talked me through it, and I was TOTALLY capable.  I must just have self-defeating thoughts running through my head.  It's just so hard to believe that I can DO all ten pushups when I feel the way I feel.  But I absolutely want to get to that place mentally that athletes train from.  They feel the physical discomfort (out of breath, feeling the burn) and they DO IT ANYWAY.  I guess I've just got to keep trying.

Anyway, Amy did this GENIUS thing which will probably mean that I'll have perfect attendance for this class...she made these cards to compare how many circuits we complete in 8 minutes from week to week.  I can't STAND the idea of having a gap in those weeks, and it totally motivates my elephant to go to her class.

That doesn't just mean PLAN to go.  It means that I also don't let anything else trump it or get in the way.  Usually, the only reason I miss Amy's class is if I don't feel physically up to it.  Which usually means I don't feel MENTALLY up to it.  Which usually means I ate something I shouldn't have when I shouldn't have eaten it and now I am uncomfortably full of food that is not good for me, and I don't want to embarass myself in the class.

BUT EATING IT WAS A CHOICE I MADE.  Probably because I didn't feel like I could do her class.  So I made sure I didn't have to.

There have been times that I've worked instead, but I've made Wednesday nights off limits for any job.

So, my last 5 days I have pretty much eaten clean, and I have worked out.  Thursday I simply did the 8 minute circuit while on a break at work.  I just wanted to make sure I did SOMETHING.  Friday I ended up doing pops on the treadmill, squats and pushups.  Totally didn't intend to do that, but it was a great workout!  Saturday I did pops on an arc trainer (I worked harder than I anticipated!), and then pullups and calf-raises.

Today, I was beat.  I filled in at Green Bowl, I got crappy sleep last night, and I went to the gym without a plan for what I should accomplish.  I kept running thoughts through my head:
"What am I trying to get out of working out today?"
~Setting an expectation that at the end of the workday I work out?
~Making working out a daily habit?
~Burning a few calories?  Not really, this lazy workout that I'm doing isn't as effective as pops or weightlifting...
~Stress relief!?  Great.  Necessary.  Is 10 minutes enough?
"Well I'm not doing anything too crazy today.  I did pops yesterday and the day before and I'm doing Amy's class on Monday, so today should be an easy day, right?"
~I suppose.  I am really tired. Maybe today is just a day we get to the gym to keep up with the habit.

I ended up quitting after 15 minutes on the arc trainer.  But whatever.  This is the best 5 day streak I've had in easily 3 months.  So, I'm keeping up with it.  Tomorrow, I will get up at 7am and go for a run on the golf course, and then I'll have breakfast at 8am and be to work by 9am.  I'll eat 4 meals and then do Amy's class and MAYBE get a 5th meal in.

I'm excited for tomorrow.
Here's my food journal.

 9:30am eggs, oatmeal, banana, coffee
11am coffee
12:30pm chicken, veggies, flattop grill-fried, brown rice
3:30pm chicken, veggies, flattop grill-fried, brown rice
7pm shrimp fried in coconut oil, raw broccoli, 1 string cheese and almonds...almonds eaten mindlessly. I've GOT to get around that. Probably need to bag them in serving sizes. Not have a container sitting around.

Also...I've been thinking that...I could spend HOURS blogging...and sometimes I do.  I wonder if it might be more efficient to start vlogging.  Not to mention a whole lot more fun.  I'm thinking I can even write down my food journal or my workout and hold it up for the camera...I am not sure about it yet, but I kind of just want to try it and find out.

Alright.  Good night! 

August 1st. 30 Day Challenge.

So, in checking on my blog, I find that July 16th was the last time I wrote.  And that I wasn't taking good care of myself then either.

Since then, I was convinced that my wisdom teeth were trying to make their way into my gums by breaking my other teeth, except for about 90 seconds in Wegman's when I was (I kid you not) certain I actually had a brain tumor and not long to live.  Then I thought, "Maybe I should try those anxiety meds again..."

Anyway, long story short, my wisdom teeth are happily embedded in my jaw, and I hope they stay there.  It turns out that the jaw pain I was having was probably due to me grinding my teeth.  Which was probably due to the high levels of stress I've been experiencing.  The high levels doesn't mean that anything in my life has changed, it means I wasn't using my primary method of relieving those high levels, which is EXERCISE, and eating well, and you know, sleeping.  So, my stress just built and built and built.  I was also dealing with allergies, which I think are responsible for at least the earaches and maybe the headaches, but who knows.  Since I wasn't exercising, I was certainly drinking.  And THAT'S always a good idea (<---sarcasm).

I tried to eat clean.  I would wake up every morning and make myself a clean breakfast.  But between the  jaw pain, headaches, and general irritation, by 12pm, I was having Wegman's or something.  And then I felt even worse, and didn't want to exercise.  The list goes on.

I still have the headache.  I really need some time off.

But, I don't have time off.  Yet.  Time off starts August 22.

In the meantime, I've tried to get back to that place where I was so determined.  I remember fighting through caffeine headaches, and JUST DOING IT.  Just eat at 7am.  No matter what.  Just eat at 10am, 12:30pm, 3:30pm and hopefully by 6:30, but close to it at least.  And exercise.  Every single day.

I forgot how to motivate my elephant.  I had a little glimpse of it today.  I saw someone wearing clothes that looked beautiful on her.  I have been squeezing into my clothes these days.  It sucks.  I hate it.  But, today, I was so proud and felt so accomplished that I might just want to keep this ball rolling.

So, that being said, it's 11:07pm, and I had every intention of being in bed by 9pm.  In order to not fail that goal any further, I'm concluding and going to bed.

Week 9 Day 1. Early to bed.

I have not been giving my body what it needs. I've been eating high day, high salt, high sugar foods, and not sleeping enough. So tonight, I'm remedying that. I'm going to bed NOW, 7pm, and hoping for some awesome dreams.

Week 8, Day 5. These weeks just get away from me!

I managed to keep it together today and I'm so glad because I officially have 28 days left before I'll be poolside.

I slept from 7:45pm to 3am, then 4:45am to 8:45am, hitting the snooze from 6am on. Yeah. I should have done ANYTHING other than sleep for 4 min intervals for 3 hours, but that's what I did.

I skipped breakfast. I had very little choice since I got up so late. At 11:30am I had chicken, a salad, and a piece of bread with butter.  At 3pm I had chicken and kale fried in coconut oil. Awesome. So crunchy!

At 6:30pm I had eggs with peanut butter. I probably could have just had the eggs and would have enjoyed it more.

Then I got groceries and FINALLY got to the gym by 8:20pm. I did pops...5 on the treadmill (30 secs on 9.5mph at 3.0 incline) and 5 on the stairmill (30 secs at 11...except for the last one, which I did on 12...cause I freaking rock). Then I wanted to do SOME lifting just to try to build muscle. First, I did two sets of pullups, although I needed a breather! In between the pullups, I did dips, but I probably shouldn't have stood on the bar that negates your weight. It was too easy.

Then I did squats with 40 lbs. I did 19 full reps, then 8 pulses, which killed. I did another set but only made it to 11, and did another set of pulses.

I thought about doing something else. But that's as far as I got. I was done.

I caught a sideview of my tricep and shoulder, and I'm really starting to firm up! Very exciting!

It is past my bedtime. Good night.

Week 8, Day 4. 29 days to go!

I want to say I couldn't follow my plan today, but I know it's more empowering to say I chose not to.

I did get up and jog for 15 minutes.

My plan began unraveling at meal #2. My apple was bad from the inside out. I was SO upset about that.

I decided to go to Wegman's to get red lentil chili...my justification ess that I needed carbs because I didn't get my apple.

I was able to put off eating the chili for awhile, I thought maybe I would completely resist it! But around 2pm, I ate it.

I was SO TIRED by 12pm because u only got 5hrs of sleep last night, that my brain stopped working. I stopped being able to walk in straight lines. I stored being able to tell the correct time on a clock that is set ten minutes fast.

I couldn't concentrate.

All I really wanted at the end of the day was a glass of wine (or 3) while I read the Sandusky Freeh Report.

I could consider it a win that I managed to buy/consume exactly zero alcohol today.

I went to Wegman's at 6:45pm. I first ate a healthy portion of "honey bbq chicken" bc I figured it would help slow down the resr of the carnage.

Alvin and the Chipmunks movie was playing. I had the wokery food: two small pieces of sesame chicken (saturated in sugar, I know) coconut chicken, a little fried rice, a spring roll, a little macaroni and cheese (I'm a sucker for it) and one pierogie. Then most of a choc chip cookie. And a diet soda.

I can confidently say that I'm dehydrated and exhausted, so I plan on going to bed early and getting my day off to a good start.

Week 8, Day 3. 30 days to go!

I did really well today, despite challenges.

I meant to get up and run at 7am today, for no reason other than the good feeling of clearing your brain and being outside before work.

But I didn't.

I will change that. Tomorrow I WILL get up and run before work and I will reward myself with something I REALLY want...hmmm...maybe take 30 minutes to stroll through Arts Fest and BUY something. Although I'd really like to buy EITHER The Book Thief (i will buy this, I just am not sure when) or The Last Word on Power, which we used tonight in the life-coaching class I'm taking.

Hmmmm.  A reward that I will jump out of bed for...bikini shopping? Finding one I can invision myself in? Getting an idea of what stores to visit in order to find a quality suit? Planning and committing to a shopping trip...THIS WEEKEND???

That might work.

Anyway, today I knew I needed to work out at 5pm today...lifting session on an empty stomach.

I did SO WELL today. I'm using the tricks I used when I was quitting smoking to  stay the course on this diet.

Although, quitting smoking is EASIER! You either HAVE a cigarette or you DON'T. And every time you don't have a cigarette, you work on lowering  the amount of nicotine in your system, which will eventually lead to not having cravings at all.

Eating well isn't as simple.

But I used the "I'm special" line with myself. I'm not going to elaborate because it sounds silly, but it works and it gives me the strength I need to say no when I need to and yes when I need to.

For clean eating, I didn't do perfectly. I had shrimp fried in coconut oil (OMG YUM). 11, to be exact, which is probably a serving and a half of protein. I could say that I couldn't stop myself, except I did.

There were three more begging me to eat them, but I didn't.

I had a salad as well, no dressing, some cashews, probably more than a serving, (oh and I snuck 2 corn chips and 5 or 6 little pieces of pretzelly things from a chex mix bag).  I also fried up a little yellow squash in the coconut oil...which MIGHT be the most insanely delicious thing I've eaten all year. No breading, just sauteed. It probably served more as a carb. Then I ate ONE peanut butter girl scout cookie. It wasn't even very good! How disappointing!

Then I ate ONE piece of dark chocolate that I know was fine, I bought the bag for students recently, but it tasted rancid to me.

THEN I went to a friend's house and had two glasses of red wine. Oops. I think I might pay for that.

But, I wanna get up and run tomorrow anyway. I'm really liking how my belly looks these days and I want to hold onto it!

I was supposed to do pictures and a wrap today, but my partner-in-crime is not available, and may not be until Saturday.

So. Another day!

Week ... I don't remember. But 32 days to go!

At the moment, I'm very tired and grumpy and hanging on to today's victory for five more minutes so I can write this and go to bed.

Here's the story:
I got terrible sleep last night. Terrible. I wanted to get up at 6am and run. Ha! What a joke.

I did however get up at 7:30am and "glorified walked" for 15 minutes. My goal wasn't to get in a hard work out, but to simply get in the habit of getting up and working out again.

I ate three meals:
8:30am breakfast
11:30am snack
2pm meal with kale shake

After that, I didn't have another opportunity to eat (it is now 10:23pm) because I was teaching.

I git very hungry and very tired and wanted nothing more than alcohol and pizza.

I did, however, look at my belly in the mirror and decided I wanted to keep it that way...so I didn't let the thoughts about Pizza Hut fester and grow. That's how they get ya.

Instead, I focused on wearing a bikini in public...something some people can do with no problem (although I don't know too many of those people) and how I want to look when I do it.

A 30 day goal is pretty motivating, I must say.

That's all for today.

Week 8, Day 1. 32 days left!

I didn't blog for the past couple of days because I ended up eating A LOT of popcorn at the movies (Spiderman...not totally my thing, but I liked the subtle changes...I thought it would be a Spiderman story I hadn't heard yet) THEN getting a Baconator at Wendy's and ice cream!

The good news is that on Sunday, I did indeed get up and do intervals before I ate. Albeit, I avoided it until nearly 12:30pm (which is not ideal...ideal is eating at the same predictable time every day). Regardless, I killed it on the elliptical. I was serious about avoiding hard work until after I did my first 30 second interval. Then I cranked it. I put the resistance on 13 for my pops and 8 for recovery. By 9 I wondered if I could go on. I did, although I could not manage the intensity (pace-wise) of the pops, but I was absolutely winded and my quads were depleted.

Also, when I work really hard, for some reason, I get terrible uterine cramps that will not subside unless and until I take a breather. So after 9, I took an extra 30 seconds to recover, and the cramps only returned slightly, but by then I was done! I don't know why that happens. Sometimes I get breakthrough bleeding too. No one has been able to explain this to me. I call it my leaky cervix. Anyway, TMI. I'm glad I'm not posting this on FB!

So then Sunday I ate well until I went out to dinner for my friend Linsey who is leaving her job. We went to Rotelli's. I was TIRED from my workout, which explains my choices: a glass of red wine, caesar salad, and chicken parm. And IT WAS DELICIOUS! Amy says to remember that there are no "bad" foods/food choices. Just to remember what you're choosing when you eat fried chicken...that you're probably going to have some extra calories in your system.

So, I was all on point to take care of those extra calories by getting up and running early. Until I didn't go to bed on time and consequently didn't get up on time.

I forgot, I even drove out to Wegman's to get cheesecake after dinner. I will say that I had a $10 cheesecake in my right hand and a container of lemon poppy seed scones in my left...but turned around and walked out with a single slice of cheesecake. Which I call a win. I was deeply satisfied with that choice.

Anyway, so I woke up feeling crappy. Allergies got the best of me and I just didn't feel rested. I was pissed off that I didn't get my workout done and hit snooze for two hours (any wonder I didn't feel rested!) and just felt defeated. Like today was an insurmountable obstacle I just couldn't get over. I totally planned on having pizza and more fried chicken.

But apparently that reaction is weakening.

All it took was one inspirational posting on Facebook to remind me to just take ONE small step toward my goal.

I did that, and voilà! The rest of the day I ate pretty clean and even managed to go to Kerry's class, even though it took some serious effort to get there on time. And my legs weren't shaved, which has totally stopped me from attending class before. I worry that everyone will judge me (even wearing pants, at some point my legs show) for not shaving. But now, even if they do, I try to remind myself that it's not a good enough reason to skip class.

So. It's 9:44pm and I'm ready for a great day tomorrow. And I'm hungry. This is a good sign.

Week 7, Day 5. 36 days to pool-time!

Today I had the day off. I went fire a short little jog BEFORE breakfast at 9am. Man. I am supposed to be earthing breakfast at 7am and therefore running at 6am.
Whatever. I did it.

Then I ate breakfast around 9:30am, but didn't have lunch until 2pm (but I did have two coffees) and then I ate dinner at 5:30pm thinking I would be in bed early.

At 8:30 I went for another short little jog...maybe a half-hour. I wish it would rain!!! So humid!

Today was the first of 3 WHOLE DAYS of not working IN A ROW.

All I did today was eat, workout, and read. Tomorrow I might clean, write, workout, and visit the library. Maybe do some reverse engineering on this bikini body goal.

I know I should get up in time to go to Kerry's yoga class, but I just don't know if I will. I'm sure it would provide good pushups and lunges...and I know I'll feel amazing afterward...it's just that I know it's going to be tough and I'm going to wish I could leave 5 minutes into it.

I suppose I could reward myself with something awesome for going...like WINE!

Just a tease. No alcohol for me. I would love to buy a book, but I easily have 30 new books in my home I haven't read. That's insane. Maybe I'll buy myself some clothes. A shirt. A workout shirt, maybe? Maybe pants?

None of that excites me enough to promise myself that I will get up, work out, eat at 7am and then go to Kerry's class.

Honestly, the good feeling I get after her class is more motivating than shopping, but it comes from overcoming the HUGE obstacleof getting out of my own way.

What could I possibly reward myself with???

I cannot be trusted to go to Barnes and Noble and NOT buy something.

Maybe I could go see the horses.

Well, if I went (it's 11:30pm now) I would feel much MUCH closer to achieving my goal.

And, I could get up at 7am and eat...but the WHOLE POINT is to do intervals BEFORE eating and then let the calorie burn last the whole day.

Hmmmm. I need to get up at 6am and do a wind-sprint & pushup workout, then eat, then go to Kerry's class, then reward myself.

Buying a shirt it is. Maybe I'll go to Express. Maybe I'll window shop for bikinis. Maybe I'll wash my car.

Ooooh! Maybe I'll take pictures of myself, and do a wrap!

Or! I have a Designer's Den gift certificate I could cash in and get a facial! Ooooh, now I'm talking.

I've got to do the pictures regardless. It's time to have some accountability built in here.

All that and I forgot to mention that for dinner at 5:30, a burger with cheese and ketchup and a vancouver bun with onions and lettuce sounded sooooooooooo goooooooooood. I remembered the no fudging, no excuses routine and instead made chicken, with 2 pieces of ezekiel bread (but threw most of one away) and a piece of cheese and also some butter. Plus a salad (no dressing) and a kale shake with wheatgrass.

Can't wait to see my consistency pay off.

Week 7, Day 4. Day 37, I rocked it!

So, I didn't get the sleep I wanted. I tossed and turned, then woke bolt upright at 4am and tossed and turned and had bad dreams until 8:30am, when I finally rolled out of bed.

I didn't go to the gym in the am. I told myself that sleep is more important than the gym. That's not entirely true. What's entirely true is that I didn't want to get out of bed.

I'm really trying to change that pattern, make a different choice, because your whole day is different and BETTER if you make it to the gym before breakfast. I also like to take time to empty my brain before breakfast. That's feels particularly wonderful.

Anyway, I was cranky all day because of the crappy sleep I got (but you wouldn't know it...it's like I'm incapable of being crabby these days). I went to get coffee for a headache around 3pm, but ended up looking for an Honest Tea instead. It was way too hot for coffee.

I had my first major "I don't WANT to eat chicken and vegetables! Wouldn't something from Irving's be phenomenal?" But I beat it. No excuses, no fudging. I ate my meal like I'm supposed to.

When I went home, I decided, grudgingly, that I would go to the gym. Every day. No excuses, no fudging. I promised myself I would only do something enjoyable, and I meant it.

I REALLY wanted to run. I haven't been running much lately because I do other kinds of working out, but I could work a run in here or there. So that's what I did.

My brain was going a mile a minute, I was just so grouchy. But I started to remember to "get into my body". In other words, start noticing how I'm moving, paying attention to form. What muscles are working? Feel your feet hit the floor. Listen to the sound it makes. That definitely helped me de-stress.

I did that for 8 minutes at 5mph, an easy pace. Then the urge struck me to do intervals. Suddenly, I wanted to run hard and fast. So I did. It turned out that under all that stress and feeling tired, I had crazy energy just waiting to get burnt off.

I did ten intervals. I thought about doing some lifting, but I remembered my promise to only do something fun that felt good tonight.

And it felt SO GOOD to do intervals!!! I felt so powerful and strong. 

But after those ten, I was finished, so I stretched, did 4 pushups and went home.

I drank a kale shake and ate dinner, which was shrimp and some cauliflower and some cashews.

I've been pooped ever since and I'm aiming for the gym again tomorrow morning. 7am is my goal.

Week 7, Day 3. Let the countdown begin!

On August 11, I'll have my first opportunity to bare my belly in public. My niece is turning 1, and my brother and his girlfriend are throwing the party at Mt. Pisgah, the local pool and, in general, park, I guess.

Before I give off the wrong impression, I will not be showcasing my body and trying to steal the show at Sarà's birthday party. Not a chance.

The whole point of the operation is to set a deadline for myself to work toward.  I want to know what it feels like to be ok, or even proud, (in a pretty safe setting) wearing a bikini.

It feels good to have a deadline. I'll be doing a little experiment with myself to see if the deadline makes things better or worse.

For right now, several things are clear:
1) This is a no-fudge zone. I will set clear guidelines and follow them. Period.
2) I will work out every day. Before 7am. Some days I will double up.
3) Food is a no-brainer. Follow my plan. No excuses, no fudging.
4) This goal will be my number one priority.
5) I will drink Kale Shakes every day.
6) I will visualize my success before bed and upon awakening.
7) Bedtime will be a priority BEFORE writing.
8) I will have to say No to some things in order to achieve this goal.
9) I will reward myself for a job well done, daily, weekly, and at the END I will buy a new bikini.

Tomorrow is Day 37. The plan is to get up at 6am, go to the gym. Do intervals. Some pushups. Maybe some squats or something with my big muscle groups. Eat breakfast, write, go to work, get a reward for eating well and working out.

What should my reward be?
I've been DYING to play my piano for a week now. So I will prioritize 30 minutes of playing piano.

I don't think I'm going to post these to Facebook anymore. I think the accountability isn't really happening there anymore. Plus, I saw someone else link their blog to facebook, and I didn't like the way it felt, and I didn't read it anyway. It feels better to me to leave it here.

Alright, goodnight!

Week 7, Day 1. Done with my bender.

All I really have to say is that I partied hard for my birthday Friday night. I had Patron margaritas, and they kicked my ass. I found myself drunk, but running up and down the stairs in my apartment trying to metabolize the alcohol before it made me sick. And I succeeded! Although I did have to go for two walks at 2am.

I had my first weekend in a long time where I was not working. Except for a couple of hotline shifts. Anyway, it was really nice! I got to go watch a horse show, and I got to have dinner with Ellen.

Anyway, I wanted today to be my first day back on track, but dinner with Ellen was actually dinner and WINE with Ellen, so today I was still off-kilter. But, I came home from work, did some writing (I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed with life right now) and now I feel prepared to do my intervals in the morning at the gym and eat well.

I'm actually looking forward to it. My pushup has been improving!

So, goodnight!

Week 7, Day 1. Done with my bender.

All I really have to say is that I partied hard for my birthday Friday night. I had Patron margaritas, and they kicked my ass. I found myself drunk, but running up and down the stairs in my apartment trying to metabolize the alcohol before it made me sick. And I succeeded! Although I did have to go for two walks at 2am.

I had my first weekend in a long time where I was not working. Except for a couple of hotline shifts. Anyway, it was really nice! I got to go watch a horse show, and I got to have dinner with Ellen.

Anyway, I wanted today to be my first day back on track, but dinner with Ellen was actually dinner and WINE with Ellen, so today I was still off-kilter. But, I came home from work, did some writing (I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed with life right now) and now I feel prepared to do my intervals in the morning at the gym and eat well.

I'm actually looking forward to it. My pushup has been improving!

So, goodnight!

Week 6, Day 3. Great day today!

Well, I responded really well, is what I SHOULD say. I got pretty interrupted sleep last night, so around 2pm today I wanted nothing more than a bottle of wine, a couch, and bad tv.  All to myself.

I kept wondering how I could get those things without hurting my goal of seeing my belly muscles.

No magic here. I just waited it out. If I had a kale shake, I would have drank it, but I didn't. So I ate my meal on time. Chicken and vegetables.

Both the food I ate and the choice to eat it (instead of Dunkin Donuts) made me feel better emotionally and physically. But I STILL had a workout class I wanted to attend. I get a lot out of group workouts and tonight Kerry taught because Any was out of town.

After eating well AND working out when I would have rather collapsed and drank my face off, I'm feeling pretty good!

Tomorrow's my birthday, but I'm not really celebrating until after I get back from Harrisburg on Friday. My cheat day/meal will be on Sunday this week, I think.

Anyway. Bed time.

Week 7, Day 1. Cheat day!

I went through lots of temptation this weekend. Went home to see my mom and brother and Alisha and the baby...managed to eat clean! Except my brother had potato chips and I ate a few, but walked away.

I brought my own food so that I would not be at the mercy of what was available. That was a good thing.

My mom is also learning a lot about nutrition, and that helps a lot. It helps to surround yourself with people who have similar goals.

Anyway, today I had Chick-fil-a...and I drank the milkshake first...that was a mistake. It made me feel so overloaded with sugar I actually left work at 2pm and slept until 730pm.

At that point, I got up and went to Wegman's for a sub and potato chips that I  could indulge in!  Yummy. I also had mac and cheese and an I've cream sandwich. Not TONS of foods though. I ate 1/3 of the sub, a little bag of potato chips, some mac and cheese, you get the picture. I was paying attention to how full I was feeling.

Now I am totally ready to eat clean again.

I'm feeling really THIRSTY and tired. Must have been a lot of salt in that food, and I must have with myself out this weekend. So, I'm gonna read my book and fall asleep.

It's Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn, and a total page turner. I'm pretty excited about the alone time.

I've got intervals to do before breakfast tomorrow, so hopefully I can get all rested. Good night.

Week 6, Day 5. I did great today!

Numbers are still going down and Amy has told me umpteen thousand times that weighing myself every day is probably going to lead to frustration, so I'm going to stop doing it, because I think she's right.

My new, more reliable measurement is trying on a pair of pants that are a little too small.

I had a great lifting session around 6pm tonight. I did squats/pushups, lunges/bicep curls, dead lifts (40lbs, 25 reps, 2sets)/chest press (40lbs, 12reps, 2sets), arabesques/pushups, tricep (stuff? Squatted and bent at the hips, 45° angle, put arms out behind me with 5lb weights, lifted til I couldn't do it anymore 2sets), calf raises, straight/medial/vfeet, pullups.

Then I came home and ate an egg white (one yolk) omelet cooked in coconut oil, a handful of nuts,  and some lightly cooked cabbage.

It's past bedtime, but I'm watching Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Hope it's good.

Week 6, Day 4. Busy day.

So, I woke up today with this schedule:
9am horse lesson
10:30am Be at work
11:15am Leave work for PSU job
2pm Arrive back at work, work til 9:30pm

I woke up tired. I weighed myself. 134.0. Same as yesterday.

*Sigh*

Had fleeting thoughts of giving up, then realized I totally wouldn't.

Didn't feel like going to the barn because I was feeling like it would tire me out. And I was already tired. And had to work for the foreseeable future.

But I went! And it was so Great! Beyond what I expected!  It changed the tone for the rest of my day and I ended up having a kick ass day.

I followed my plan, and I'm going to bed pretty hungry. I'm hoping I lose more weight than .6lbs this week. I work WAY too hard for that!

This is DEFINITELY inspiring me to eat 2 cheat meals next time, if I don't lose a significant amount of weight this week. IT WAS SO HARD TO TELL MYSELF NO!

Ah, then again, I know I won't make a move without Amy's go ahead. I'm just have to trust that tomorrow the scale will move.

Week 6, Day 3. Having doubts I messed up my cheat day because things are different!

So, I woke up this morning and weighed 134.6...only .6 pounds lighter than the day I weighed in after my cheat meal. I'm thinking, "WTF? I only ate ONE cheat meal, it was midday, AND I was meticulous about only eating half!" Half of the steak, half of the sweet potato fries, and half of the mashed potatoes! I also had a caesar salad, but I think I are half of that too.

Normally there's a sharp rise in numbers the day after a cheat meal and a pretty steady downward trend for 5 or 6 days afterward. I was really surprised that I wasn't back to 132.6 already. And a little concerned. It took SO.  MUCH.  RESTRAINT. to CHOOSE to ask for Amy's help. I don't want it to all be for nothing. Or worse, to have GAINED weight.

See, because intervals work their best to burn fat after you've depleted your grehlin hormone and then do intervals.

But Amy assured me I did a great job on my cheating. To be honest, part of me was HOPING I didn't eat enough, because that would mean that the NEXT time I felt like that, it would mean that I could go to Chick-fil-a guilt-free. Kind of.

Anyway, I had awesome amounts of energy today. I got a lot done, so that's got to be a good sign, right?

I took Amy's class and gave it my personal best. I've really got to start taking my iron supplements again, because I'm starting to think that my legs fatigue so quickly because mt blood is thin.

Or, maybe I'm normal and think no one else's legs get tired.

I did, however, vow to myself that instead of quitting because I think I might fall, that I let myself fall instead. So many times, I think, "This hurts, I can't do it!" And I give myself a break because it's painful and I think my leg is going to fatigue and fall out from under me. So, instead, I've noticed that voice and waited to fall.

I definitely have lost my balance several times in class. So...looks like I need some iron in my life. Anyway, I'm up too late because we had our fun coaching session tonight. Tonight we identified survival mechanisms, and it inspired me to rework my budget. Pretty fun stuff.

Week 6, Day 2. Thanking my lucky stars.

I am so thankful today that I talked to Amy last night when I wanted to eat Chick-fil-a out of house and home. I have no regrets about what I ate for my cheat day, and only weighed in one pound heavier and wasn't up all night with indigestion or guilt.

I had a full day today. I did manage to get up at 6am. I did my intervals.  Five on the elliptical, give on the stairmill. But, committing to getting up that early means giving up extended dreamtime. I really enjoy relishing in my dreamland state, and I wish I could have slower starts in the morning, but there's too much that I want to do.

Ooooh. That could be my one day a week reward!

Anyway, I feel super skinny and better prepared to deal with another massive craving/attack.

Now I've got to go to bed.
Up early again tomorrow.

Week 6, Day 1. The pattern that plagues me.

Right now, it's 7:59pm. I just chugged a kale shake and are a piece of ezekiel bread with butter after eating shrimp pan-fried in butter.

I desperately wanted to be at Chick-fil-a instead. I only drank the shake after the 2% of me that was left clinging to my weight-loss goal after getting ravenous, over-tired, and stressed with a headache decided to text Amy. 

This decision was not  popular with the other 98% of me that wanted to get in the car, drive on auto pilot, and eat the Chick-fil-a inside the store, as soon as humanly possible...deal with the consequences later.

Consequences meaning: I will not shed one sorry pound this week. I might even gain if I eat at chick-fil-a this late.

I knew if I talked to Amy, I would be kissing Chick-fil-a goodbye (which I should anyway because they discriminate...see how little restraint I have!?! That's a joke. I know I have lots of restraint, but when it's gone, it's GAWN.) and  you see, 98% of me really REALLY wanted the Chick-fil-a.

I literally sighed in defeat in my chair in the kitchen and texted Amy. Told her I was about to go to Chick-fil-a and didn't want to tell her because she would be able to stop me.

Not the same as MAKING me stop. Let me make that clear. I knew Amy would say or do something that would make it possible for me to steer out of this warp-spasm urge, but also to return to the place where I remember that I have a goal I work VERY hard for.

But, during an overwhelming urge, you don't have access to that part of your brain. You don't FEEL that way, so you don't CARE what it wants. You want to satisfy what's bothering you RIGHT NOW.

The only reason I was able to call is that I have turned a corner in understanding that it's not WHO I AM that has prevented weight loss progress, it's WHAT I DO.

I REALLY want to come out on the other side and know that...holy shit, I really am capable! That was really hard, and I effing did it.

Amy called and...just talking to her I feel more in control. She gave me permission to go to Chick-fil-a. She talked about there being no good or bad choices with diet. Just what is. If you eat this, you get that. Period.

Then she said (since I already ate 10 shrimp pan-fried in butter...not NEARLY as awesome as it sounds, btw) to have a kale shake and a little reward and that the craving would pass.

I had forgotten that. Probably because the shrimp actually made the craving more intense.

But here's the thing. I frequently get over-tired, and I know I'm not special, here, plenty of people do.

The thing is that when I get over-tired, I overeat, especially at chick-fil-a because they have awesome milkshakes that top off fried chicken and waffle fries like no other. I knew if I could interrupt this pattern JUST ONCE!!! I would move onto the nect level of weight loss capability.

And, I did it. I'll celebrate by buying myself a workout shirt. I actually can't believe that I finally had a cheat day where I can truly say, I felt in control.

I should be excited, but I'm still super tired, so I'm gonna end my hunger misery. I'm still hungry, but it's not as intense, and I WANT to be a little hungry when I go to bed, I'll sleep better. Anyway, reading and falling asleep will be a totally different pattern for me.

I hope I hope I hope I see results from foregoing this late craving. This is the first cheat day that I've truly only had one cheat meal...and dessert.

I'm looking toward bikini season with a hopeful eye.

Week 5, Day 7. I took care of myself today!

I have so much to say about today, but not a lot of time.

First off, I weighed in at  132.6. So I believe I'm at my set weight.

This means that from here, making the fat shed off will require serious diligence and effort. Focus, if you will, and determination.

Last night, I REALLY wanted a beer. I just couldn't wind down after all the chaos with attempting to cancel my dish network service (terrible company, I felt bad for the people who sought employment there, god knows their lives must be hell based on what I experienced.)

Anyway, I'm so glad I DIDN'T have a beer because Amy reminded me that alcohol will DESTROY my progress. And when I woke up and weighed in, I knew I had definitely made this weight loss easier by choosing not to have alcohol.

But today. Today I slept until 10am because I was up late. I ate breakfast and checked in with Amy and another friend, and got groceries.

By the time I got back, it was time to eat again. But I hadn't worked out yet, so I decided to postpone my meal to ensure that I got a workout in.

Amy suggested that I do a set of wind sprints with pushups. So I'd warm up, sprint for 30 seconds, drop and do 8 solid pushups, and recover for 90 seconds, do it all over again. Only 8 times today.

Well. That was really challenging. I was tired from not eating. It was hot at 2pm. And I was so out of breath after the sprinting that I would TRY to do the pushups, but after two, I would fall to my knees. So, I caught my breath, did the pushups, walked for 90 seconds, and repeated 8 times. Plus warm up and cool down with stretching, of course.

The last two, I had to use some visualization. It was just too easy to not run as hard as I could. So I imagined Amy running a little ahead of me, and encouraging me to let it fly.

It was at that point during the workout that I really appreciated how powerful positive feedback is. Because of the way Amy has approached me, I have more confidence and I trust her completely. There's no fear or anything negative...and it radically changes the way I talk to myself. I've started to wonder if negative feedback is ever appropriate. It seems it can't be as effective as positive feedback. It would undermine the person in many different ways. I don't know. I'm just trying to incorporate more positive feedback into my own life.

Anyway, I made it through. And I was SO SO happy. And I promised myself a reward.

I came home and immediately made myself shrimp pan-fried in coconut oil, and it was heaven on earth. Maybelle says so too. I also ate a ton of raw spinach and cauliflower, and then I had a kale shake with broccoli and wheatgrass and a few green organic grapes (that were so delicious...I ate a total of ten while the kale shake was blending.

I forgot to mention. I was so whooped after that workout, I couldn't even will myself to jog home. I was SO low energy. I knew it was because I hadn't eaten, but I was hoping the workout would at least boost my metabolism. I practically CRAWLED home. I tried to use Martha Beck's wordlessness techniques since I was so tired. It's pretty difficult to STAY there, but I guess the important thing is to keep trying.

I did get to appreciate some really beautiful plants on the way home though, since I ran on the golf course.

I promised myself a reward, and since I've been DYING to go to Barnes and Noble, that was my reward.

Since I had alone time and didn't have to work today, I got to read some of Chalene Johnson's book, Push.

I've noticed that I have this hang up that since I didn't come from a wealthy/elite background, I worry/am convinced I will never reach this goal or any other goal that requires commitment and dedication.

However, Chalene had some magic words in her book that Any has been trying to tell me all along. The way she said it fits with my stereotype of "successful" people. I want to be one of those people who has it all together. They take care of themselves, they show up at work and get noticed, and can still make time for friends. Now, I know if I had kids, my definition of success would change, and hopefully it does BEFORE that, too, because it's pretty narrow. I know that. I have issues that I work through with a therapist. But this is where I am now.

Anyway, Chalene says that exercise comes first thing in the day. (Well, duh. Amy's been telling me that, but I hit snooze for an hour.) Then she said STOP HITTING SNOOZE. I know you already made up your mind to set your alarm and sleep through it. No more. Successful people get up earlier than the rest of the world (I know this is kind of able-ist and insulting to people who have issues that don't make this possible, but it motivated me). In my case, I can label myself a "successful person" now because I can behave like one!

This is HUGE!

My hang up about who I am just disappeared. Who am I? Well if I can get up and workout at 5:30am everyday, then I am a successful person.

This rings true on other levels too. When I first started going to the gym...maybe 8 years ago, I remembered thinking that the other people in the gym must be really important people because they took such good care of themselves. I wanted to be like them. And now I'm finding out that I am, and I was all along!

Anyway. Maybelle just rolled over and off her pillow and is now making it difficult for me to continue, so I think this will do.

Good night.

And I'm getting up at 6am tomorrow for a little run. And tomorrow is my cheat day. I'm going to buy myself a workout shirt if I manage to approach my meal with mindful eating, and don't sabotage my weight-loss so far.

Week 5, Day 6. I didn't have a beer.

My main comment of that I really wanted alcohol after my 8.5 hour ordeal with dish network.

I ended up canceling my order before anything was installed, so that saved the day.

I was afraid that getting cable would make it harder for me to be productive and move toward my goals. I was probably right. I think I'm just gonna keep my Netflix and get internet service. That's a nice balance.

Anyway. I had to talk myself out of it several times, but then a skunk sprayed right outside my apartment, so I had to get out of the apartment. My plan was to walk downtown and have a beer. But once I started walking, I felt good, and 20 minutes later, I felt incredibly tired. All I wanted was my bed.

I inadvertently learned another way to avoid drinking out of stress. Yay.

Good night.

Week 5, Day 5. I am toast.

Today was a good day, even though I'm totally exhausted. Another week when I've run myself into the ground.

I did well on my diet until I got into almonds. I ate more than I should have later than I should have. However,  I DID drink black coffee this morning, and I was so proud! If I can't see it, I don't even care about the difference.

Oh, I forgot! Today started out REALLY GREAT because I weighed in at 133.6! That's five pounds in five days, folks. I chalk it up to eating all raw vegetables instead of cooking them.

I might have some water retention tonight because the almonds were salted. We'll see. Monday is my cheat day!

Work again tomorrow at 9am.  Good night.

Week 5, Day 4. I've had better days.

First, I followed my diet. I did only have 3 meals though. My day was pretty jammed full.

Overall, I don't feel like today was a raging success because I made some mistakes. But not on my diet.

I don't know if I self-sabotaged because I had such a good day yesterday or if I was just overly tired.

Either way. I'm looking to tomorrow.

Week 5, Day 3. On top of the world!

Today was an AWESOME day. It started with weighing in at 135.4lbs. I may not have brought everybody back up to speed, but I got down to a trim 127 and crept back up to 138.6. Which is what I weighed on Sunday.

I was more than tickled to see 135 today! I suspected that the first couple of days had helped me shed all my water weight, so I was pleasantly surprised that I had lost an entire extra pound!

Even after that, today I thought, "Yeah, today is probably the day my numbers are going to stay the same." I guess I'm waiting for that day with dread because that's when the real work starts to aggressively burn off that fat. It's a science, but the numbers are not reliable. Also, I tend to go overboard on cheat days. So, when I overdo it, I may have eaten clean for 6 days, worked out like a m*****f*****r (I could say mofo, but I'm all about the details) for 4 days just to be frustrated with little or no weight loss.

Anyway, here's why my day was so great. I was leaving a note for someone in their office and a colleague (whose approval I strive for because it kind of determines a lot of things) walked by. At first, she didn't realize she saw me in the office, but a few steps later, I heard her double back in a hurry and excitedly say, "Oh, hey Betsy! Did you SEE the article you're in?" Now I don't quite remember all of the words she said, but I do remember these, "You are a ROCKSTAR!"

Pause. Not the end of the story, but a caveat is needed:
I have this well-oiled machine that deals with compliments. It's housed in my brain. As soon as the compliment shows up, (or sometimes this machine is so good it can guess that a compliment is on its way) the machine starts spitting out  rebuttals.
They don't mean that.
They're just being nice.
Yeah but they didn't see what you ACTUALLY did.
This is about them.
I wasn't that good.
I don't believe you.
This is uncomfortable. Why do people insist on telling me I do a good job when I know I don't?
Their expectations must be really low. (that's my favorite because it's funny too!)
What are they GETTING out of this?
They're just encouraging me because they see how damaged I am and feel sorry for me.
I'm kind of offended that they think I'm so pathetic.
^ (note: I didn't make that up. But writing it sounds so insane that I thought I should clarify.)
Smile and nod and they will stop.
No, I'm not that good.
No, I could work a lot harder.

I could go on to entertain myself, but my guess is that it probably got boring for you.

Anyway. This machine effectively stops me from hearing and accepting compliments, although I'm fairly good at faking it.

Story effectively continues now.

Except that I was totally unprepared for this one. When I heard the excitement in her voice, my LAST thought was that it had anything to do with me. I thought something I would be interested in had caught her eye.

I was defenseless against this compliment.

You MUST be wondering: How did I react to HEARING A COMPLIMENT THAT MEANT A LOT TO ME???

I geeked the eff out.

I squealed, balled my fists up against the sides of my face, and I may or may not have jumped/stomped my feet in excitement and bliss I don't think I've EVER felt before. I was so happy I felt like I was going to burst out of my skin. I may have done other things too, but I the machine's delayed reaction finally kicked in and I regained my composure. She continued to heap on the praise, but I'm sure the machine blocked it.

But it doesn't matter, because I couldn't undo those three seconds when I felt what it feels like to HEAR AND BELIEVE a compliment that was both something that meant a lot to me and an indication that I've achieved the first step of a huge goal of mine: to be on the forefront, in the media, educating the public about issues around abuse and motivating them to act.

Soon after that, I read the article, in which I only have one line, but it's a kickass line. Then I reveled in the memory of the moment of bliss. Then I drove to Bellefonte for a program.

On the way, I was flooded with memories of people who said nice things to me and probably meant it. It was like that ONE MOMENT cut a big hole in my machine and all those things came pouring out. I was overwhelmed. I broke down and cried in the car. I started to believe that I am as awesome as all those people have said I am.

And that I deserve good things.

I was especially moved by certain people. It goes without saying that Amy was one of the loudest voices in the mix. When I started to consider how much she believed in me and all the ways she's supported me, I was just overflowing with gratitude. Of course Ellen also a loud voice, always supporting, accepting, such a wonderful presence in my life.  I would name other people, but then I'm afraid that I would leave people out, but the truth is that there are dozens of people who have been pushing me along, and they all play a, key role.

Maybe I'll write a gratitude blog so I can appreciate every one.

Anyway. It occurred to me that perhaps the act of surrounding myself with supportive people has allowed me to step into uncharted territory in my life: Believing in myself. That made me cry some more. Like some big part of me has been dying for the small part of me to finally give it up. To finally say: Yes, you are that good. Yes, you work very hard. Yes, you will achieve your dreams because you are made of grit and raw determination. You won't let you fail yourself.

And so. Hmmm.
I hope it sticks around.

Week 5, Day 2. Success!

I don't have much to write because I MUST go to bed. I will say that today was my first day back on my plan for REAL. AND I ROCKED IT!
It wasn't easy. I definitely had triggers. I almost had a soda, but I put the change for the machine down.
Good night.

Week 5, Day 1. I had such a good blog idea!

So much to say. I'll start with "If Maybelle could take pictures, I'd have a lot more pictures of myself." Which makes me think perhaps I should invest in a tripod.

Really, I think the pictures were what kept me on track when I was on my streak. If you've got pictures going up on the internet, it is a STRONG motivator to pass on the food that you know is not helpful.

Anyway, today I was going to write all about my crappy, stressful day, but I totally ran out of time.

Instead, what I can say is that I drank some amount of alcohol every day since Tuesday. Wow. Talk about a confession.

Turns out, having two part-time jobs and a full time job carries a lot of stress with it...that needs to be managed, not drowned. I kind of can't believe that happened.

I tried so hard to eat well, but honestly, alcohol just makes everything that.much.harder.  Except for the 2 hours when you're drinking. Then EVERYTHING IS EASY! Honestly, if I took the amount of time this week that I spent drinking (or drunk, but it sounds so bad when you say that!) and instead slept, grocery shopped, or worked out, I would have de-stressed more quickly and more efficiently. I also would have functioned better overall.

So. Lesson learned. Again. Alcohol is not my friend.

Onward. I was incredibly irritable today, and I thank the person who invented the term "stabby". Came in quite handy today.

But here's other the lesson I learned. I use stress, mistakes, frustration, roadblocks...all of those things as excuses to fulfill this underlying belief I have: "You cannot succeed at being fit and thin. Thin people are successful at telling themselves no. Who are you kidding? You're damaged. You will always struggle with this."

That belief is always under the surface, and it has to do with what it would mean if I did reach my goal. Let me say that again, but differently: It has to do with what it will mean WHEN I reach my goal of seeing my belly muscles.

In order to reach this goal, I have to decide that I, based on my own experiences, am perfectly capable of making good choices, even when it's really tempting.

My ability is not the problem.

My belief about who I am is the problem.

In order to reach my goal, I've got to let go of the part of me that wants me to fail because it believes I am a failure.

That is the belief/self I am fulfilling/proving right when I eat poorly because I'm stressed or tired or too hungry.

That was what I learned about myself today. When I was stressed and upset and feeling like a loser, I put myself in a position to eat whatever I wanted. And I gave myself full permission to do it.  Because I am a loser.  And that part of me wanted to show up. To remind me that I will never succeed.

Or so I was telling myself.

Until Amy texted me out of the blue. I actually have no idea what she said. Oh, wait, now I do. She just asked me what happened. She saw my "doomed" post on facebook.

There's something about having someone in your life who understands and believes in you and who us relentlessly compassionate that cures all evils.  It's incredible, really.

Simply hearing from her, I was infused with a sense of, "I have choices." I told myself that I did NOT have to blow my diet just because I'm upset.  And Amy expects me to pull on those resources to simply Make Good Choices, because you're done it before. And would Amy break down and have pizza and fried chicken right now? No.  No she wouldn't. She would take a deep breath and get a grilled chicken salad.

And that's what I did. And I actually got a grilled chicken wrap, too, because my deprivation alarm was ringing, so I thought I had better buy a lot in case I panicked after eating the first meal in the event that it wasn't enough. But it was fine, and I ate the wrap for my next meal.

I am really learning a lot about how to be from Amy. How to be forgiving of myself. How to move forward with grace, as opposed to white-knuckling my way through. How to move on from mistakes. I really hope that I can develop the kind of presence she has for myself and other people. 

To conclude, I uncovered today that I am sabotaging my efforts because I have not actively decided to picture myself fitting into the kind of person who would succeed at this goal. That is literally the only thing stopping me.