Week 18, Day 2! Pictures!

I haven't written in a week. Mainly because I was in a rut. I was crashing mid day, having 10 chocolates, and on some days, even getting donuts from Dunkin' Donuts. I didn't really gain, I only went up as high as 132.5, which is amazing to say!

So this week, Amy got me remotivated by changing things up. On MWF I have double workouts. One before work, and one after work, then on TRS, I don't work out. That's more to it than that, but that's about the jist of it.

Anyway, I did great my first two days! Now, I just need to get up at 545 tomorrow so I can get my workout in and eat by 7am.

And I decided to take pictures again, because it's been awhile, and my roommate could help with that.

I'm kind of in this place where I have forgotten that I lost 15 pounds. I almost feel like I look the same as I did before I lost that 15 pounds. It's a very strange place to be.

It's not unless someone tells me that I *believe* that the weight did not creep back up on me. I don't quite know what to make of it.

It also makes visualization of seeing my belly muscles that much harder. But, I'm just gonna fake it til I make it.

Here's my pics!

Week 17, Day 2. Bad day.

Today, I felt bad. I was overly tired, my sleep was interrupted, and the last place I wanted to go was work.

I have so many other things to take care of!

I tried to sleep more, but the balance  between enough sleep and eating on time got to me. So I got up and ate.

I spent my entire day avoiding things. It was exhausting.

Finally, at 4pm, I ate a mini Mr. Goodbar. Then I ate 4 more. Then I vowed to stop.

Did some more work.

Then I ate another Mr. Goodbar. Then I ate another 4.

Then I realized I wasn't going to be able to finish a project before class. Irritating!  And, I realized how late it was, and that I didn't have time to cook my food before class.

So I decided to go to Panera. This had more to do with self-medicating with food than time restraints.

I had the sierra turkey sandwich and the creamy tomato soup.
But I didn't even get to enjoy it/dive head first into the dizzying taste of carbs and fat, because of time.

Extremely irritating.

So I had a diet pepsi too.

I also got a parking ticket. $15. Ugh.

So, I may have prevented myself from seeing 129 this week.

To remedy this, I am going to bed and getting rested.

Goodnight!

Week 16, Day 4. Did Something Different Today!

So, I've been criticized before for putting stuff that is too personal on the internet for all to see.

And I'm about to do it again.

But with better taste this time, I suppose.

I mentioned that I've been having a hard time emotionally lately, and that I learned that I respond to situations in ways that are codependent.  I'm finding that this is hugely relevant to my ultimate goal of seeing my belly muscles.

You see, when I got close to my goal, close to the possibility that it could actually happen, I took a nose dive off the program for a couple of days. Or, I let someone else's behavior determine whether I stayed on the program or whether I dove face first into  donuts.

Or, if I was feeling down, I would let that determine if I would honor my commitment to the gym that day.

In the past, I've called that "taking care of myself", and sometimes it might just be that.

However, in my reading today, I discovered that one codependent behavior is to let upsetting news (doesn't even have to involve you) throw you off your routine.

See, I went back to my therapist for the first time in a few months today. She's so awesome. And, as you do in therapy, I revealed a part of me that was hurting, and I cried. This is progress. It's taken a long time to cry in front of someone, because I'm afraid they will make fun of me. Even, my therapist.

So I did that today and it was good.  But after the appointment, I knew I wasn't done. I had opened the floodgates. So I went home and cried some more.

After I was done, I thought, a nap will be so good right now. And it's self-care, so it's ok if you skip your workout.

Only I knew it wasn't ok. I've list muscle mass, and I need to regain it, not to mention I'm coming down to my last ten pounds, I need all the lean muscle mass and body-shocking workouts I can handle.

A happy medium was to read one of my books on codependency. It was then that I realized I was letting something upsetting destroy my routine. And it's connection to not actually believing I deserve good things was immediately clear.

So, I did something different. I got up and went to the gym. I even took care of two errands I've been avoiding for more than two weeks.

I EVEN challenged myself to stay on the elliptical when I felt like giving up.
The result? One lifting session (tiny, but better than nothing) and 24 minutes of pops. I didn't think I could even do 5 minutes, but I hung in there. I hadn't eaten since 11am because all the crying just ruined my appetite. 

So I was actually feeling pretty weak and shaky. That's why I did the pops on the elliptical, not the treadmill. I could just see my knees buckling and me hitting the belt face first and getting a terrible rugburn. No, thank you.

So, I did it! I felt VERY accomplished and capable afterward.

Unfortunately, I did get overly hungry and had 5 Hershey's mini chocolate bars. And a diet pepsi, if I want to come totally clean.

But I ate my two meals of lean protein and vegetables, finished out my day strong, and I'm in bed on time, easy to crank out another good day tomorrow!

I'm looking to build on these behaviors, because now I feel like the only thing that will get in my way of seeing my belly muscles is my emotional health. So I'm getting healthy!

Hosted by Maybelle.

Week 16, Day One. Renewed commitment.

Today a friend reminded me of a different state of mind that I used to be in.

It was really something. I was having a hard time convincing myself to go to the gym. I was half-afraid I would leave before the class started because I was so tired. I looked for encouragement from others, and she reminded me about the blog I wrote on why and how I continue to make choices...the difficult decisions of eating well when I want to eat donuts, of continuing to run when I want to sleep.

The answer was simple. I found out that time passes, and it passes rather quickly at that.  So I could make a few consistent, slightly uncomfortable decisions, and reap the rewards later, or I could squander the opportunity.

I found myself reaching more for the choice that required some effort.

For the past two weeks, I've been moving, my schedule has been erratic, and I've lost a significant relationship. In the face of that, I decided to avoid working out, used it as an excuse to eat poorly, and in general, get off course.

Tonight, I just realized how fast these two weeks have gone. And that I'm going to pay for making those choices.

I've lost some lean muscle because I haven't been working out like I should.  So in the next couple of days, I'm going to see an increase in weight as I build that muscle back up.

But the thing that really struck me was that in the beginning, I surrendered everything to Amy's expertise. Whatever she told me to do, I did it. I was done resisting, done complaining, I was ready to do the hard work required to lose weight.

Somewhere in these weeks, that has just gone by the wayside.

So, I'm getting it back. Starting tonight, I am resurrendering to the process.  I'm going to surrender better than I did before! I'm actually going to incorporate STRENGTH TRAINING!

I'm going to go to bed on time. I'm going to get up on time. I'm going to work out on time, in the ways I've been taught will be helpful.  I'm going to eat on time.

I surrender. Because time passes.

Week 15, Day 5. Quick post.

Today, I took a personal day to get my head screwed on straight. Really, I just stayed in bed all day, trying to make up for all the sleep I've ben cheated out of.

I think it worked. I remembered that I have a pretty big goal to move to San Diego in two years, a trip to plan to visit my friend Paula in England, and a trip to California in December.

Writing down what I wanted to accomplish really helped me focus on myself.

I've always known that where you put your attention is what you'll end up with, but I was having a hard time redirecting my attention. Once I got started, it really wasn't all that hard.

Today I didn't work out, and I didn't eat at the right times.

I ate my first meal at 11:30am. Still having a hard time with appetite, but it's slowly coming back. Ate my next meal at 5pm.  Chicken, rice, vegetables...but it was sporadic because I was at work, just taking bites here and there.

Oh and I forgot to mention, I am STILL drinking coffee in the morning, and I have gotten into the habit of drinking it while I'm working at Green Bowl because it helps me move faster...and sometimes I don't know how I get through the shift without it.

My last meal was probably at 8pm. I had eggs again. I meant to eat some peanuts but I never did. And I didn't easy a fat with my second meal either.

Amy told me today she wants to tweak my plan so I can lose faster, which I didn't think was possible. I think I'm not losing more than a pounds a week because I have been inconsistent.

And I have totally fallen off track with drinking enough water.

So. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to get back on track.  I'm not sure I can give up the coffee just yet, but I can certainly eat before 12pm.

But I picked up another shift at Green Bowl for the Alabama game, so I did not prioritize working out.

Sometimes I have to pick a priority: lose weight or make money. For tomorrow, I chose money because I need the extra cash that comes from working on football weekends.

So, I'm going to try to get solid sleep tonight, and have an enjoyable morning before I go into work at 10:30am.

Week 15, Day 4. This sucks.

I just found out that I am codependent.

Yes this has to do with seeing my belly muscles.

And, actually, I didn't just find out.  I just accepted it.  Acknowledged it.  Named it.  Colored in all the detail.

Actually, it slapped me in the face.

It occurred to me that in an earlier part of my life, someone tried to "save me".  Tried to show me what a good life they had, and how, if I would only LISTEN to them, and TAKE THEIR ADVICE, that I would be happy too.

Except that I didn't want their life.  I didn't want to take their advice.  I didn't want to be put in this position.  But I did want the spoils of it all.  The attention.  The benefits.  I used the person and humored their advice. 

Now I'm finding that this has been done to me.  And it sucks.

Because now I know that this person I've been trying to save didn't want to be saved at all.  Didn't want my life.  Didn't want my advice.  Resented that I boxed them in, tried to control them, disapproved.

But this person still wanted the attention, wanted the spoils.  The benefits.  So this person used me and humored my advice.

And I wondered why it was harder to lose weight when I was trying to save this person.

I read all the quizzes about being codependent.  The one that struck me the most was:  "Has any one in the past year asked you, begged you, PLEADED with you to STOP HELPING THEM?" 

Oh.  Yeah.

And here I thought I was healthy.

But now that I've named it, I can change it.  Codependency does not make a person happy.  As you can see in the triangle above, it is full of disappointment, hurt, broken hearts, broken promises.  Not to mention the wasted effort.  I've gone to SO MUCH EFFORT. 

But it's not about this one person.  Or another person.   Or another.  It's about me.  And I'm going to be in codependent relationships until I decide not to behave that way anymore.

I have been behaving in ways that a codependent person behaves.  And I am so finished with it.  I'm most likely codependent in a lot of my relationships.  And can I just say, I have hated the term codependent ever since my mother mentioned it when I was growing up.  At the mere mention of the possibility that I could be codependent, I would freak out and say that it was a made-up thing by the Christian religion and it wasn't even in the DSM IV or whatever it is.  So don't label me!

But here I am.  Finding that I answered yes to just about all the questions.  UGH.


So.  Step one is to focus on myself.  And only myself.  Earlier this year, at my brother's request, I decided to stop getting involved in other people's problems.

Only it didn't last.  Things came up that I thought,  "This is urgent!  This is dire!" and  "There is no other solution!"  or "If I do this, I can change outcome to the outcome I want!"

All of those statements are wrong.
No situation was so urgent that I had to fix it.  There were other solutions.  I did not succeed in changing the outcome.  Not even a little bit.

I just wasted my life a little bit.

So.  Here's to no more wasted effort.  Here's to no more broken promises. 
I guess the first thing I'm going to do is learn as much as I can about codependency, and then with my therapist (yes I have one!) I'm going to tackle and overcome this.

On the weight loss front, for the past few days, I have had no appetite, I worked out once or twice, I've gotten terrible sleep, and I've spent a lot of time lurched over with nausea and fear about what this person was doing to their life.  And it's unwarranted.  That person sure as hell isn't worried about it, and I wouldn't give a crap if it was anybody else.  Anybody else could do the things that this person is doing and I would not bat an eyelash.  I would think they were an idiot and wish them well.

It's messing with my weight loss, and it serves no purpose. 

In good news, I am down to 133.4 lbs!  For the past 4 days, I have allowed this situation, which actually does not even involve me, to take me away from my goals.

No more.  Starting now, I'm going to be taking VERY good care of myself, and I'll be learning how to have healthier relationships.

Week 15, Day 3. I've got to write more often!

Today I finally got up at 7am, like I've been meaning to for a couple of weeks now. Part of what woke me up was raging hunger. I had a hard time eating anything yesterday, just because of anxiety. Today was better.
So today was pretty good. I have to remember to visualize every morning when I get up and every night when I go to bed. I forgot about that this morning. I really just wanted to write down my dreams, but I couldn't remember anything.

Anyway, so I made it through work, and went to Amy's class. It was a different routine, and some of the moves were damn near impossible.

There's this one move where you put your hands down on the floor and try to jump from side to side. I could barely do it. But there was another move that was so much fun. You rolled yourself up to standing. Everyone laughed and had a great time with that one.

I had a hard time keeping up tonight, just like this blog is lacking some pep. I'm just feeling a little down, but I'm sure it will pass.

For fun, here's a picture of my sweaty self after Amy's kickass class.

Wow, I Haven't Written in 15 Days. Week 14? I don't even know.

For the past three days, I've been dealing with really upsetting news.  I haven't decided if I'm going to write about something so personal on such a public blog. 

What I can say is that while it was upsetting, it was also for the best.  It might as well have been that my best friend left to join the circus and I was the last to know.

Now, I just have to figure out how to let this be fuel for my weight loss.  I went on a two-day hiatus from my plan just because of the sheer shock of the whole thing.  I just couldn't process anything.  Then, the level of betrayal just kept rising, and I smoked a cigarette.

Today was hard, but tomorrow will be easier, and the day after that will be even easier, and pretty soon, I will have my stars lined up and I will be cranking through pounds like I'm built for it.

This pretty much sums it up.