Week 6, Day 3. Great day today!

Well, I responded really well, is what I SHOULD say. I got pretty interrupted sleep last night, so around 2pm today I wanted nothing more than a bottle of wine, a couch, and bad tv.  All to myself.

I kept wondering how I could get those things without hurting my goal of seeing my belly muscles.

No magic here. I just waited it out. If I had a kale shake, I would have drank it, but I didn't. So I ate my meal on time. Chicken and vegetables.

Both the food I ate and the choice to eat it (instead of Dunkin Donuts) made me feel better emotionally and physically. But I STILL had a workout class I wanted to attend. I get a lot out of group workouts and tonight Kerry taught because Any was out of town.

After eating well AND working out when I would have rather collapsed and drank my face off, I'm feeling pretty good!

Tomorrow's my birthday, but I'm not really celebrating until after I get back from Harrisburg on Friday. My cheat day/meal will be on Sunday this week, I think.

Anyway. Bed time.

Week 7, Day 1. Cheat day!

I went through lots of temptation this weekend. Went home to see my mom and brother and Alisha and the baby...managed to eat clean! Except my brother had potato chips and I ate a few, but walked away.

I brought my own food so that I would not be at the mercy of what was available. That was a good thing.

My mom is also learning a lot about nutrition, and that helps a lot. It helps to surround yourself with people who have similar goals.

Anyway, today I had Chick-fil-a...and I drank the milkshake first...that was a mistake. It made me feel so overloaded with sugar I actually left work at 2pm and slept until 730pm.

At that point, I got up and went to Wegman's for a sub and potato chips that I  could indulge in!  Yummy. I also had mac and cheese and an I've cream sandwich. Not TONS of foods though. I ate 1/3 of the sub, a little bag of potato chips, some mac and cheese, you get the picture. I was paying attention to how full I was feeling.

Now I am totally ready to eat clean again.

I'm feeling really THIRSTY and tired. Must have been a lot of salt in that food, and I must have with myself out this weekend. So, I'm gonna read my book and fall asleep.

It's Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn, and a total page turner. I'm pretty excited about the alone time.

I've got intervals to do before breakfast tomorrow, so hopefully I can get all rested. Good night.

Week 6, Day 5. I did great today!

Numbers are still going down and Amy has told me umpteen thousand times that weighing myself every day is probably going to lead to frustration, so I'm going to stop doing it, because I think she's right.

My new, more reliable measurement is trying on a pair of pants that are a little too small.

I had a great lifting session around 6pm tonight. I did squats/pushups, lunges/bicep curls, dead lifts (40lbs, 25 reps, 2sets)/chest press (40lbs, 12reps, 2sets), arabesques/pushups, tricep (stuff? Squatted and bent at the hips, 45° angle, put arms out behind me with 5lb weights, lifted til I couldn't do it anymore 2sets), calf raises, straight/medial/vfeet, pullups.

Then I came home and ate an egg white (one yolk) omelet cooked in coconut oil, a handful of nuts,  and some lightly cooked cabbage.

It's past bedtime, but I'm watching Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Hope it's good.

Week 6, Day 4. Busy day.

So, I woke up today with this schedule:
9am horse lesson
10:30am Be at work
11:15am Leave work for PSU job
2pm Arrive back at work, work til 9:30pm

I woke up tired. I weighed myself. 134.0. Same as yesterday.

*Sigh*

Had fleeting thoughts of giving up, then realized I totally wouldn't.

Didn't feel like going to the barn because I was feeling like it would tire me out. And I was already tired. And had to work for the foreseeable future.

But I went! And it was so Great! Beyond what I expected!  It changed the tone for the rest of my day and I ended up having a kick ass day.

I followed my plan, and I'm going to bed pretty hungry. I'm hoping I lose more weight than .6lbs this week. I work WAY too hard for that!

This is DEFINITELY inspiring me to eat 2 cheat meals next time, if I don't lose a significant amount of weight this week. IT WAS SO HARD TO TELL MYSELF NO!

Ah, then again, I know I won't make a move without Amy's go ahead. I'm just have to trust that tomorrow the scale will move.

Week 6, Day 3. Having doubts I messed up my cheat day because things are different!

So, I woke up this morning and weighed 134.6...only .6 pounds lighter than the day I weighed in after my cheat meal. I'm thinking, "WTF? I only ate ONE cheat meal, it was midday, AND I was meticulous about only eating half!" Half of the steak, half of the sweet potato fries, and half of the mashed potatoes! I also had a caesar salad, but I think I are half of that too.

Normally there's a sharp rise in numbers the day after a cheat meal and a pretty steady downward trend for 5 or 6 days afterward. I was really surprised that I wasn't back to 132.6 already. And a little concerned. It took SO.  MUCH.  RESTRAINT. to CHOOSE to ask for Amy's help. I don't want it to all be for nothing. Or worse, to have GAINED weight.

See, because intervals work their best to burn fat after you've depleted your grehlin hormone and then do intervals.

But Amy assured me I did a great job on my cheating. To be honest, part of me was HOPING I didn't eat enough, because that would mean that the NEXT time I felt like that, it would mean that I could go to Chick-fil-a guilt-free. Kind of.

Anyway, I had awesome amounts of energy today. I got a lot done, so that's got to be a good sign, right?

I took Amy's class and gave it my personal best. I've really got to start taking my iron supplements again, because I'm starting to think that my legs fatigue so quickly because mt blood is thin.

Or, maybe I'm normal and think no one else's legs get tired.

I did, however, vow to myself that instead of quitting because I think I might fall, that I let myself fall instead. So many times, I think, "This hurts, I can't do it!" And I give myself a break because it's painful and I think my leg is going to fatigue and fall out from under me. So, instead, I've noticed that voice and waited to fall.

I definitely have lost my balance several times in class. So...looks like I need some iron in my life. Anyway, I'm up too late because we had our fun coaching session tonight. Tonight we identified survival mechanisms, and it inspired me to rework my budget. Pretty fun stuff.

Week 6, Day 2. Thanking my lucky stars.

I am so thankful today that I talked to Amy last night when I wanted to eat Chick-fil-a out of house and home. I have no regrets about what I ate for my cheat day, and only weighed in one pound heavier and wasn't up all night with indigestion or guilt.

I had a full day today. I did manage to get up at 6am. I did my intervals.  Five on the elliptical, give on the stairmill. But, committing to getting up that early means giving up extended dreamtime. I really enjoy relishing in my dreamland state, and I wish I could have slower starts in the morning, but there's too much that I want to do.

Ooooh. That could be my one day a week reward!

Anyway, I feel super skinny and better prepared to deal with another massive craving/attack.

Now I've got to go to bed.
Up early again tomorrow.

Week 6, Day 1. The pattern that plagues me.

Right now, it's 7:59pm. I just chugged a kale shake and are a piece of ezekiel bread with butter after eating shrimp pan-fried in butter.

I desperately wanted to be at Chick-fil-a instead. I only drank the shake after the 2% of me that was left clinging to my weight-loss goal after getting ravenous, over-tired, and stressed with a headache decided to text Amy. 

This decision was not  popular with the other 98% of me that wanted to get in the car, drive on auto pilot, and eat the Chick-fil-a inside the store, as soon as humanly possible...deal with the consequences later.

Consequences meaning: I will not shed one sorry pound this week. I might even gain if I eat at chick-fil-a this late.

I knew if I talked to Amy, I would be kissing Chick-fil-a goodbye (which I should anyway because they discriminate...see how little restraint I have!?! That's a joke. I know I have lots of restraint, but when it's gone, it's GAWN.) and  you see, 98% of me really REALLY wanted the Chick-fil-a.

I literally sighed in defeat in my chair in the kitchen and texted Amy. Told her I was about to go to Chick-fil-a and didn't want to tell her because she would be able to stop me.

Not the same as MAKING me stop. Let me make that clear. I knew Amy would say or do something that would make it possible for me to steer out of this warp-spasm urge, but also to return to the place where I remember that I have a goal I work VERY hard for.

But, during an overwhelming urge, you don't have access to that part of your brain. You don't FEEL that way, so you don't CARE what it wants. You want to satisfy what's bothering you RIGHT NOW.

The only reason I was able to call is that I have turned a corner in understanding that it's not WHO I AM that has prevented weight loss progress, it's WHAT I DO.

I REALLY want to come out on the other side and know that...holy shit, I really am capable! That was really hard, and I effing did it.

Amy called and...just talking to her I feel more in control. She gave me permission to go to Chick-fil-a. She talked about there being no good or bad choices with diet. Just what is. If you eat this, you get that. Period.

Then she said (since I already ate 10 shrimp pan-fried in butter...not NEARLY as awesome as it sounds, btw) to have a kale shake and a little reward and that the craving would pass.

I had forgotten that. Probably because the shrimp actually made the craving more intense.

But here's the thing. I frequently get over-tired, and I know I'm not special, here, plenty of people do.

The thing is that when I get over-tired, I overeat, especially at chick-fil-a because they have awesome milkshakes that top off fried chicken and waffle fries like no other. I knew if I could interrupt this pattern JUST ONCE!!! I would move onto the nect level of weight loss capability.

And, I did it. I'll celebrate by buying myself a workout shirt. I actually can't believe that I finally had a cheat day where I can truly say, I felt in control.

I should be excited, but I'm still super tired, so I'm gonna end my hunger misery. I'm still hungry, but it's not as intense, and I WANT to be a little hungry when I go to bed, I'll sleep better. Anyway, reading and falling asleep will be a totally different pattern for me.

I hope I hope I hope I see results from foregoing this late craving. This is the first cheat day that I've truly only had one cheat meal...and dessert.

I'm looking toward bikini season with a hopeful eye.

Week 5, Day 7. I took care of myself today!

I have so much to say about today, but not a lot of time.

First off, I weighed in at  132.6. So I believe I'm at my set weight.

This means that from here, making the fat shed off will require serious diligence and effort. Focus, if you will, and determination.

Last night, I REALLY wanted a beer. I just couldn't wind down after all the chaos with attempting to cancel my dish network service (terrible company, I felt bad for the people who sought employment there, god knows their lives must be hell based on what I experienced.)

Anyway, I'm so glad I DIDN'T have a beer because Amy reminded me that alcohol will DESTROY my progress. And when I woke up and weighed in, I knew I had definitely made this weight loss easier by choosing not to have alcohol.

But today. Today I slept until 10am because I was up late. I ate breakfast and checked in with Amy and another friend, and got groceries.

By the time I got back, it was time to eat again. But I hadn't worked out yet, so I decided to postpone my meal to ensure that I got a workout in.

Amy suggested that I do a set of wind sprints with pushups. So I'd warm up, sprint for 30 seconds, drop and do 8 solid pushups, and recover for 90 seconds, do it all over again. Only 8 times today.

Well. That was really challenging. I was tired from not eating. It was hot at 2pm. And I was so out of breath after the sprinting that I would TRY to do the pushups, but after two, I would fall to my knees. So, I caught my breath, did the pushups, walked for 90 seconds, and repeated 8 times. Plus warm up and cool down with stretching, of course.

The last two, I had to use some visualization. It was just too easy to not run as hard as I could. So I imagined Amy running a little ahead of me, and encouraging me to let it fly.

It was at that point during the workout that I really appreciated how powerful positive feedback is. Because of the way Amy has approached me, I have more confidence and I trust her completely. There's no fear or anything negative...and it radically changes the way I talk to myself. I've started to wonder if negative feedback is ever appropriate. It seems it can't be as effective as positive feedback. It would undermine the person in many different ways. I don't know. I'm just trying to incorporate more positive feedback into my own life.

Anyway, I made it through. And I was SO SO happy. And I promised myself a reward.

I came home and immediately made myself shrimp pan-fried in coconut oil, and it was heaven on earth. Maybelle says so too. I also ate a ton of raw spinach and cauliflower, and then I had a kale shake with broccoli and wheatgrass and a few green organic grapes (that were so delicious...I ate a total of ten while the kale shake was blending.

I forgot to mention. I was so whooped after that workout, I couldn't even will myself to jog home. I was SO low energy. I knew it was because I hadn't eaten, but I was hoping the workout would at least boost my metabolism. I practically CRAWLED home. I tried to use Martha Beck's wordlessness techniques since I was so tired. It's pretty difficult to STAY there, but I guess the important thing is to keep trying.

I did get to appreciate some really beautiful plants on the way home though, since I ran on the golf course.

I promised myself a reward, and since I've been DYING to go to Barnes and Noble, that was my reward.

Since I had alone time and didn't have to work today, I got to read some of Chalene Johnson's book, Push.

I've noticed that I have this hang up that since I didn't come from a wealthy/elite background, I worry/am convinced I will never reach this goal or any other goal that requires commitment and dedication.

However, Chalene had some magic words in her book that Any has been trying to tell me all along. The way she said it fits with my stereotype of "successful" people. I want to be one of those people who has it all together. They take care of themselves, they show up at work and get noticed, and can still make time for friends. Now, I know if I had kids, my definition of success would change, and hopefully it does BEFORE that, too, because it's pretty narrow. I know that. I have issues that I work through with a therapist. But this is where I am now.

Anyway, Chalene says that exercise comes first thing in the day. (Well, duh. Amy's been telling me that, but I hit snooze for an hour.) Then she said STOP HITTING SNOOZE. I know you already made up your mind to set your alarm and sleep through it. No more. Successful people get up earlier than the rest of the world (I know this is kind of able-ist and insulting to people who have issues that don't make this possible, but it motivated me). In my case, I can label myself a "successful person" now because I can behave like one!

This is HUGE!

My hang up about who I am just disappeared. Who am I? Well if I can get up and workout at 5:30am everyday, then I am a successful person.

This rings true on other levels too. When I first started going to the gym...maybe 8 years ago, I remembered thinking that the other people in the gym must be really important people because they took such good care of themselves. I wanted to be like them. And now I'm finding out that I am, and I was all along!

Anyway. Maybelle just rolled over and off her pillow and is now making it difficult for me to continue, so I think this will do.

Good night.

And I'm getting up at 6am tomorrow for a little run. And tomorrow is my cheat day. I'm going to buy myself a workout shirt if I manage to approach my meal with mindful eating, and don't sabotage my weight-loss so far.

Week 5, Day 6. I didn't have a beer.

My main comment of that I really wanted alcohol after my 8.5 hour ordeal with dish network.

I ended up canceling my order before anything was installed, so that saved the day.

I was afraid that getting cable would make it harder for me to be productive and move toward my goals. I was probably right. I think I'm just gonna keep my Netflix and get internet service. That's a nice balance.

Anyway. I had to talk myself out of it several times, but then a skunk sprayed right outside my apartment, so I had to get out of the apartment. My plan was to walk downtown and have a beer. But once I started walking, I felt good, and 20 minutes later, I felt incredibly tired. All I wanted was my bed.

I inadvertently learned another way to avoid drinking out of stress. Yay.

Good night.

Week 5, Day 5. I am toast.

Today was a good day, even though I'm totally exhausted. Another week when I've run myself into the ground.

I did well on my diet until I got into almonds. I ate more than I should have later than I should have. However,  I DID drink black coffee this morning, and I was so proud! If I can't see it, I don't even care about the difference.

Oh, I forgot! Today started out REALLY GREAT because I weighed in at 133.6! That's five pounds in five days, folks. I chalk it up to eating all raw vegetables instead of cooking them.

I might have some water retention tonight because the almonds were salted. We'll see. Monday is my cheat day!

Work again tomorrow at 9am.  Good night.

Week 5, Day 4. I've had better days.

First, I followed my diet. I did only have 3 meals though. My day was pretty jammed full.

Overall, I don't feel like today was a raging success because I made some mistakes. But not on my diet.

I don't know if I self-sabotaged because I had such a good day yesterday or if I was just overly tired.

Either way. I'm looking to tomorrow.

Week 5, Day 3. On top of the world!

Today was an AWESOME day. It started with weighing in at 135.4lbs. I may not have brought everybody back up to speed, but I got down to a trim 127 and crept back up to 138.6. Which is what I weighed on Sunday.

I was more than tickled to see 135 today! I suspected that the first couple of days had helped me shed all my water weight, so I was pleasantly surprised that I had lost an entire extra pound!

Even after that, today I thought, "Yeah, today is probably the day my numbers are going to stay the same." I guess I'm waiting for that day with dread because that's when the real work starts to aggressively burn off that fat. It's a science, but the numbers are not reliable. Also, I tend to go overboard on cheat days. So, when I overdo it, I may have eaten clean for 6 days, worked out like a m*****f*****r (I could say mofo, but I'm all about the details) for 4 days just to be frustrated with little or no weight loss.

Anyway, here's why my day was so great. I was leaving a note for someone in their office and a colleague (whose approval I strive for because it kind of determines a lot of things) walked by. At first, she didn't realize she saw me in the office, but a few steps later, I heard her double back in a hurry and excitedly say, "Oh, hey Betsy! Did you SEE the article you're in?" Now I don't quite remember all of the words she said, but I do remember these, "You are a ROCKSTAR!"

Pause. Not the end of the story, but a caveat is needed:
I have this well-oiled machine that deals with compliments. It's housed in my brain. As soon as the compliment shows up, (or sometimes this machine is so good it can guess that a compliment is on its way) the machine starts spitting out  rebuttals.
They don't mean that.
They're just being nice.
Yeah but they didn't see what you ACTUALLY did.
This is about them.
I wasn't that good.
I don't believe you.
This is uncomfortable. Why do people insist on telling me I do a good job when I know I don't?
Their expectations must be really low. (that's my favorite because it's funny too!)
What are they GETTING out of this?
They're just encouraging me because they see how damaged I am and feel sorry for me.
I'm kind of offended that they think I'm so pathetic.
^ (note: I didn't make that up. But writing it sounds so insane that I thought I should clarify.)
Smile and nod and they will stop.
No, I'm not that good.
No, I could work a lot harder.

I could go on to entertain myself, but my guess is that it probably got boring for you.

Anyway. This machine effectively stops me from hearing and accepting compliments, although I'm fairly good at faking it.

Story effectively continues now.

Except that I was totally unprepared for this one. When I heard the excitement in her voice, my LAST thought was that it had anything to do with me. I thought something I would be interested in had caught her eye.

I was defenseless against this compliment.

You MUST be wondering: How did I react to HEARING A COMPLIMENT THAT MEANT A LOT TO ME???

I geeked the eff out.

I squealed, balled my fists up against the sides of my face, and I may or may not have jumped/stomped my feet in excitement and bliss I don't think I've EVER felt before. I was so happy I felt like I was going to burst out of my skin. I may have done other things too, but I the machine's delayed reaction finally kicked in and I regained my composure. She continued to heap on the praise, but I'm sure the machine blocked it.

But it doesn't matter, because I couldn't undo those three seconds when I felt what it feels like to HEAR AND BELIEVE a compliment that was both something that meant a lot to me and an indication that I've achieved the first step of a huge goal of mine: to be on the forefront, in the media, educating the public about issues around abuse and motivating them to act.

Soon after that, I read the article, in which I only have one line, but it's a kickass line. Then I reveled in the memory of the moment of bliss. Then I drove to Bellefonte for a program.

On the way, I was flooded with memories of people who said nice things to me and probably meant it. It was like that ONE MOMENT cut a big hole in my machine and all those things came pouring out. I was overwhelmed. I broke down and cried in the car. I started to believe that I am as awesome as all those people have said I am.

And that I deserve good things.

I was especially moved by certain people. It goes without saying that Amy was one of the loudest voices in the mix. When I started to consider how much she believed in me and all the ways she's supported me, I was just overflowing with gratitude. Of course Ellen also a loud voice, always supporting, accepting, such a wonderful presence in my life.  I would name other people, but then I'm afraid that I would leave people out, but the truth is that there are dozens of people who have been pushing me along, and they all play a, key role.

Maybe I'll write a gratitude blog so I can appreciate every one.

Anyway. It occurred to me that perhaps the act of surrounding myself with supportive people has allowed me to step into uncharted territory in my life: Believing in myself. That made me cry some more. Like some big part of me has been dying for the small part of me to finally give it up. To finally say: Yes, you are that good. Yes, you work very hard. Yes, you will achieve your dreams because you are made of grit and raw determination. You won't let you fail yourself.

And so. Hmmm.
I hope it sticks around.

Week 5, Day 2. Success!

I don't have much to write because I MUST go to bed. I will say that today was my first day back on my plan for REAL. AND I ROCKED IT!
It wasn't easy. I definitely had triggers. I almost had a soda, but I put the change for the machine down.
Good night.

Week 5, Day 1. I had such a good blog idea!

So much to say. I'll start with "If Maybelle could take pictures, I'd have a lot more pictures of myself." Which makes me think perhaps I should invest in a tripod.

Really, I think the pictures were what kept me on track when I was on my streak. If you've got pictures going up on the internet, it is a STRONG motivator to pass on the food that you know is not helpful.

Anyway, today I was going to write all about my crappy, stressful day, but I totally ran out of time.

Instead, what I can say is that I drank some amount of alcohol every day since Tuesday. Wow. Talk about a confession.

Turns out, having two part-time jobs and a full time job carries a lot of stress with it...that needs to be managed, not drowned. I kind of can't believe that happened.

I tried so hard to eat well, but honestly, alcohol just makes everything that.much.harder.  Except for the 2 hours when you're drinking. Then EVERYTHING IS EASY! Honestly, if I took the amount of time this week that I spent drinking (or drunk, but it sounds so bad when you say that!) and instead slept, grocery shopped, or worked out, I would have de-stressed more quickly and more efficiently. I also would have functioned better overall.

So. Lesson learned. Again. Alcohol is not my friend.

Onward. I was incredibly irritable today, and I thank the person who invented the term "stabby". Came in quite handy today.

But here's other the lesson I learned. I use stress, mistakes, frustration, roadblocks...all of those things as excuses to fulfill this underlying belief I have: "You cannot succeed at being fit and thin. Thin people are successful at telling themselves no. Who are you kidding? You're damaged. You will always struggle with this."

That belief is always under the surface, and it has to do with what it would mean if I did reach my goal. Let me say that again, but differently: It has to do with what it will mean WHEN I reach my goal of seeing my belly muscles.

In order to reach this goal, I have to decide that I, based on my own experiences, am perfectly capable of making good choices, even when it's really tempting.

My ability is not the problem.

My belief about who I am is the problem.

In order to reach my goal, I've got to let go of the part of me that wants me to fail because it believes I am a failure.

That is the belief/self I am fulfilling/proving right when I eat poorly because I'm stressed or tired or too hungry.

That was what I learned about myself today. When I was stressed and upset and feeling like a loser, I put myself in a position to eat whatever I wanted. And I gave myself full permission to do it.  Because I am a loser.  And that part of me wanted to show up. To remind me that I will never succeed.

Or so I was telling myself.

Until Amy texted me out of the blue. I actually have no idea what she said. Oh, wait, now I do. She just asked me what happened. She saw my "doomed" post on facebook.

There's something about having someone in your life who understands and believes in you and who us relentlessly compassionate that cures all evils.  It's incredible, really.

Simply hearing from her, I was infused with a sense of, "I have choices." I told myself that I did NOT have to blow my diet just because I'm upset.  And Amy expects me to pull on those resources to simply Make Good Choices, because you're done it before. And would Amy break down and have pizza and fried chicken right now? No.  No she wouldn't. She would take a deep breath and get a grilled chicken salad.

And that's what I did. And I actually got a grilled chicken wrap, too, because my deprivation alarm was ringing, so I thought I had better buy a lot in case I panicked after eating the first meal in the event that it wasn't enough. But it was fine, and I ate the wrap for my next meal.

I am really learning a lot about how to be from Amy. How to be forgiving of myself. How to move forward with grace, as opposed to white-knuckling my way through. How to move on from mistakes. I really hope that I can develop the kind of presence she has for myself and other people. 

To conclude, I uncovered today that I am sabotaging my efforts because I have not actively decided to picture myself fitting into the kind of person who would succeed at this goal. That is literally the only thing stopping me.

Week 3, Day 6. Re-balancing.

I've been going too hard for a couple of days and I'm out if balance. I'm sleeping until I wake up tomorrow and starting fresh.

Week 4, Day 6. I needed a time out.

This week has been so full and stressful. From Wednesday on, I was just absolutely toasted. I had moment today that helped me take a break. You've all had these moments.

I was dumping rice from a table I just cleared into the sink, instead of the garbage can...which was right next to me.  The dishwasher guy (who I love, funny as hell) tried to stop me. Once, by offering to take the dishes out of my hand-of course I just ignored him, thinking "I can do this for him, I'm not a lazy server." Ha! Then he tried to catch the rice as I was dumping it into the sink, to do some damage control. It all happened quickly and non-verbally...probably because the dish guy was in worse shape than I was. I don't know what snapped me out of the trance I was in, but when I did, I felt like I had been sleep-walking. I thought, "Wow, Betsy. Is this enough  to convince you to take a break???"

The rest of the day at work was miserable, of course, because I was functioning at a very low level. No WONDER I couldn't eat well! I really needed some restorative care!

Did I say how much the rest of the day sucked? I have really been out of balance lately. I'm doing too much. I'm not doing enough self-care.

I was reminded today if how great I felt when I got down to 127lbs.

I just need to pull on the many MANY things I've learned in the past year and get back on track.

The most important thing is to remove barriers and do this on clockwork fashion. I must set aside some time tomorrow to cook my food for the week.

Then, every three hours, I'll eat. I'll make sure I drink enough water. I'll work out before breakfast. It's GOT to become a priority again.

Right now, sleep is a priority. That's the first step.

Week 4, Day 4. I feel like utter shit. It might have been the ice cream I had for breakfast.

Full disclosure: I think my plan this week was to destroy any progress I have ever made.

Ok, here's the deal. I love my job. I love talking to people about abuse. I am an attention whore. These two things came together this week when I was getting a lot of attention for doing my job.

In fact, really good things happened this week, including that I was interviewed on camera as part of my job. It was just a blip on our local tv station, but still! That had never happened to me before!

Anyway, while this is really exciting and I like it, it's also nerve-wracking and stressful. I haven't been taking good care of myself. I haven't been sleeping, working out or eating well. I've also had a drink or two...which is really REALLY not part of my self-care...it robs me of sleep and makes me crave salt and fat together.

I don't know what to say, though.

I feel like shit. Physically and emotionally. While I had these accomplishments recently, I let me work me into the ground. I worked past the level of stress I could handle, and then I binged on food to alleviate the stress.

I WOKE UP stressed this morning. So I had ice cream as I headed out the door. What I really need is a lot of sleep. And I need to learn how to balance.

There are so many MANY things I want to learn about and DO!

Cleaning my apartment is not one of those things, just for clarification's sake.

I suppose I could just admit how I'm feeling right now. I ate the Lemon Grass chicken entrée from Cozy Thai at 6pm tonight. I overate. I still feel like shit because of it. Yet, I am drinking a beer because I'm stressed, but it's too dark and I'm still too full to go run. But I feel like I have the energy of a scared pack of zebras. I could probably run up and down my stairs to get done of this nervous energy out.

It's not just nervous energy though. I'm GRUMPY. I don't like the way my body feels. I'm irritated. I want a long shower.

I want to undo all the things I did the past three days.

If I could go back and change things...I'd start with Tuesday evening. I came home at 9:30pm, and I was SO STRESSED. I drank a couple of beers while I watched a movie to "unwind". These are examples of TWO BAD CHOICES. The movie was North Country and it was about the lifetime victimization of a woman by the people in her life. And beer? Beer is never a good choice.

I'm having one now.  Oops. Oh well.

Anyway. It would have taken some effort, but it would have been a better choice to sit at my table and write. Then gone to bed at a decent hour. Because between the beer and the movie, I was up until...late. That night set me off balance until now.

So, I'm taking some corrective measures. First, I'm writing my blog. Secondly, I'm only having one beer, even though I would love more, and I'm going to go to bed at a decent hour.

Mainly, though, I have got to find a way to make healthier choices when I'm stressed.

When I'm stressed, I tend to let go of things. I say to myself-"My self-discipline muscle is tired." Which grants me permission to do whatever I want. Like eat ice cream for breakfast.

Well. I don't know what tomorrow is going to look like, other than I will work 9-5. I've got to take this one step at a time. The first step is getting some sleep.

Although I have a confession to make before I finish this blog. I hate myself right now. I feel full and disgusting, like I'm never going to be hungry again. I'm disappointed in myself. I feel like I could rip off all of my skin and scream out of frustration.

IT'S GOING TO TAKE SO MUCH WORK JUST TO GET BACK TO WHERE I WAS!!! WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF!!! WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN TO AMY AND MAKE GOOD CHOICES IN DIFFICULT MOMENTS!!! I DON'T WANT TO KEEP GAINING WEIGHT LIKE I'M PREGNANT!!!

I could cry out of frustration.

I'm back to the place that I remembered why I started this in the first place. I COULD. NOT. STAND. my body anymore. Or, rather, how I felt in it.

I'm back there.

Well, wait. I just remembered that the body responds to consistency. If I can commit to two weeks of staying on a clean eating plan NO MATTER WHAT, then I can assume I will feel better about myself in two short weeks.

And the weeks ARE short. I so easily forget that time passes, and it passes so quickly. I just have to make choices that will move me toward my goal, consistently. In the face of high stress, I've just got to make a choice that is in line with my goals.

Alright. First. Rest. Second. Exercise. Third. Eat clean. Consistently.

Week 4, Day 2. Short.

I've been having problems getting my posts to publish lately.
I will say that today was a long and challenging day. I managed to avoid drinking and eating fast food. I did not eat perfectly, but I did meet my need for alone time and rest. I'm going to do some more of that now.
Plan for tomorrow is running before breakfast.