So much to say. I'll start with "If Maybelle could take pictures, I'd have a lot more pictures of myself." Which makes me think perhaps I should invest in a tripod.
Really, I think the pictures were what kept me on track when I was on my streak. If you've got pictures going up on the internet, it is a STRONG motivator to pass on the food that you know is not helpful.
Anyway, today I was going to write all about my crappy, stressful day, but I totally ran out of time.
Instead, what I can say is that I drank some amount of alcohol every day since Tuesday. Wow. Talk about a confession.
Turns out, having two part-time jobs and a full time job carries a lot of stress with it...that needs to be managed, not drowned. I kind of can't believe that happened.
I tried so hard to eat well, but honestly, alcohol just makes everything that.much.harder. Except for the 2 hours when you're drinking. Then EVERYTHING IS EASY! Honestly, if I took the amount of time this week that I spent drinking (or drunk, but it sounds so bad when you say that!) and instead slept, grocery shopped, or worked out, I would have de-stressed more quickly and more efficiently. I also would have functioned better overall.
So. Lesson learned. Again. Alcohol is not my friend.
Onward. I was incredibly irritable today, and I thank the person who invented the term "stabby". Came in quite handy today.
But here's other the lesson I learned. I use stress, mistakes, frustration, roadblocks...all of those things as excuses to fulfill this underlying belief I have: "You cannot succeed at being fit and thin. Thin people are successful at telling themselves no. Who are you kidding? You're damaged. You will always struggle with this."
That belief is always under the surface, and it has to do with what it would mean if I did reach my goal. Let me say that again, but differently: It has to do with what it will mean WHEN I reach my goal of seeing my belly muscles.
In order to reach this goal, I have to decide that I, based on my own experiences, am perfectly capable of making good choices, even when it's really tempting.
My ability is not the problem.
My belief about who I am is the problem.
In order to reach my goal, I've got to let go of the part of me that wants me to fail because it believes I am a failure.
That is the belief/self I am fulfilling/proving right when I eat poorly because I'm stressed or tired or too hungry.
That was what I learned about myself today. When I was stressed and upset and feeling like a loser, I put myself in a position to eat whatever I wanted. And I gave myself full permission to do it. Because I am a loser. And that part of me wanted to show up. To remind me that I will never succeed.
Or so I was telling myself.
Until Amy texted me out of the blue. I actually have no idea what she said. Oh, wait, now I do. She just asked me what happened. She saw my "doomed" post on facebook.
There's something about having someone in your life who understands and believes in you and who us relentlessly compassionate that cures all evils. It's incredible, really.
Simply hearing from her, I was infused with a sense of, "I have choices." I told myself that I did NOT have to blow my diet just because I'm upset. And Amy expects me to pull on those resources to simply Make Good Choices, because you're done it before. And would Amy break down and have pizza and fried chicken right now? No. No she wouldn't. She would take a deep breath and get a grilled chicken salad.
And that's what I did. And I actually got a grilled chicken wrap, too, because my deprivation alarm was ringing, so I thought I had better buy a lot in case I panicked after eating the first meal in the event that it wasn't enough. But it was fine, and I ate the wrap for my next meal.
I am really learning a lot about how to be from Amy. How to be forgiving of myself. How to move forward with grace, as opposed to white-knuckling my way through. How to move on from mistakes. I really hope that I can develop the kind of presence she has for myself and other people.
To conclude, I uncovered today that I am sabotaging my efforts because I have not actively decided to picture myself fitting into the kind of person who would succeed at this goal. That is literally the only thing stopping me.
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