Today was an AWESOME day. It started with weighing in at 135.4lbs. I may not have brought everybody back up to speed, but I got down to a trim 127 and crept back up to 138.6. Which is what I weighed on Sunday.
I was more than tickled to see 135 today! I suspected that the first couple of days had helped me shed all my water weight, so I was pleasantly surprised that I had lost an entire extra pound!
Even after that, today I thought, "Yeah, today is probably the day my numbers are going to stay the same." I guess I'm waiting for that day with dread because that's when the real work starts to aggressively burn off that fat. It's a science, but the numbers are not reliable. Also, I tend to go overboard on cheat days. So, when I overdo it, I may have eaten clean for 6 days, worked out like a m*****f*****r (I could say mofo, but I'm all about the details) for 4 days just to be frustrated with little or no weight loss.
Anyway, here's why my day was so great. I was leaving a note for someone in their office and a colleague (whose approval I strive for because it kind of determines a lot of things) walked by. At first, she didn't realize she saw me in the office, but a few steps later, I heard her double back in a hurry and excitedly say, "Oh, hey Betsy! Did you SEE the article you're in?" Now I don't quite remember all of the words she said, but I do remember these, "You are a ROCKSTAR!"
Pause. Not the end of the story, but a caveat is needed:
I have this well-oiled machine that deals with compliments. It's housed in my brain. As soon as the compliment shows up, (or sometimes this machine is so good it can guess that a compliment is on its way) the machine starts spitting out rebuttals.
They don't mean that.
They're just being nice.
Yeah but they didn't see what you ACTUALLY did.
This is about them.
I wasn't that good.
I don't believe you.
This is uncomfortable. Why do people insist on telling me I do a good job when I know I don't?
Their expectations must be really low. (that's my favorite because it's funny too!)
What are they GETTING out of this?
They're just encouraging me because they see how damaged I am and feel sorry for me.
I'm kind of offended that they think I'm so pathetic.
^ (note: I didn't make that up. But writing it sounds so insane that I thought I should clarify.)
Smile and nod and they will stop.
No, I'm not that good.
No, I could work a lot harder.
I could go on to entertain myself, but my guess is that it probably got boring for you.
Anyway. This machine effectively stops me from hearing and accepting compliments, although I'm fairly good at faking it.
Story effectively continues now.
Except that I was totally unprepared for this one. When I heard the excitement in her voice, my LAST thought was that it had anything to do with me. I thought something I would be interested in had caught her eye.
I was defenseless against this compliment.
You MUST be wondering: How did I react to HEARING A COMPLIMENT THAT MEANT A LOT TO ME???
I geeked the eff out.
I squealed, balled my fists up against the sides of my face, and I may or may not have jumped/stomped my feet in excitement and bliss I don't think I've EVER felt before. I was so happy I felt like I was going to burst out of my skin. I may have done other things too, but I the machine's delayed reaction finally kicked in and I regained my composure. She continued to heap on the praise, but I'm sure the machine blocked it.
But it doesn't matter, because I couldn't undo those three seconds when I felt what it feels like to HEAR AND BELIEVE a compliment that was both something that meant a lot to me and an indication that I've achieved the first step of a huge goal of mine: to be on the forefront, in the media, educating the public about issues around abuse and motivating them to act.
Soon after that, I read the article, in which I only have one line, but it's a kickass line. Then I reveled in the memory of the moment of bliss. Then I drove to Bellefonte for a program.
On the way, I was flooded with memories of people who said nice things to me and probably meant it. It was like that ONE MOMENT cut a big hole in my machine and all those things came pouring out. I was overwhelmed. I broke down and cried in the car. I started to believe that I am as awesome as all those people have said I am.
And that I deserve good things.
I was especially moved by certain people. It goes without saying that Amy was one of the loudest voices in the mix. When I started to consider how much she believed in me and all the ways she's supported me, I was just overflowing with gratitude. Of course Ellen also a loud voice, always supporting, accepting, such a wonderful presence in my life. I would name other people, but then I'm afraid that I would leave people out, but the truth is that there are dozens of people who have been pushing me along, and they all play a, key role.
Maybe I'll write a gratitude blog so I can appreciate every one.
Anyway. It occurred to me that perhaps the act of surrounding myself with supportive people has allowed me to step into uncharted territory in my life: Believing in myself. That made me cry some more. Like some big part of me has been dying for the small part of me to finally give it up. To finally say: Yes, you are that good. Yes, you work very hard. Yes, you will achieve your dreams because you are made of grit and raw determination. You won't let you fail yourself.
And so. Hmmm.
I hope it sticks around.
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