DAY THREE. What a freakin' day.

I now LOVE this pic.

Here's the idea.  I wasn't really sure why I posted really bad, mostly naked pictures of myself on the internet.  I just felt like I should.  Some reasons that floated through my head were, "To be honest with myself about what I look(ed) like."  "If the people on The Biggest Loser can do it, then I can too!"  "It'll be so cool to compare the before and after photos."

But recently, after a couple of people asked me what possessed me to do it, I realized that I did it to say:  "Yes.  I know what I look like.  You can call me fat or laugh at me all you want or otherwise try to make me feel like garbage for one thing or another, but I finally know that if you do that, it has very little to do with me, and a whole lot to do with you."



This sentiment, I'm finding, is in direct relation to the guy who saw me in a bikini 11 freakin' years ago and blurted out, "Whoa! Baby got back!"  Turns out, that hurt a lot.  Not because he was pointing out my fat, but because he did it at a time when I thought I looked good enough to be in a bikini.  And clearly, I was wrong.  I was THAT girl.  I was horrified and embarassed...and all I could do was literally pretend he didn't say it.  I think I just fell silent.  At least I did on the inside.  I truly don't remember what I said or did, I just remember how it felt...which was grotesquely unattractive.  I think all I heard when he said that was, "This thing about you is wrong and no one else looks like that, so much so that I am shocked by your appearance."  And I don't know that that feeling has left me.

So, my putting my pictures of myself up on the internet for what I am right now is saying to the people who are still in my head: "I wholly accept who I am so much that I can put these pictures of myself up on the internet and feel no shame.  And I dare you to say something like, "Baby got back" or "Wow, you've got a roll" because I can finally see that for what it is:  a problem you have with yourself.  Not me."

WAHOO!!!!!!!!!!

Except for that pesky little problem that, of course, most of all of this means that I am really saying all of that to myself.  You know, just like their problem had very little to do with me, my problem has very little to do with them.  So.  This is just me trying to accept myself.


Anyway, in other news, I got my diet situation figured out.  I am so glad that I spoke with my instructor after the class.  I sent her my food diary, and she immediately sent back a reply saying she wouldn't have time to work on it for a week or so, but for right now, I should just focus on drinking 90oz of water a day, and a few other things.  I thanked her for taking the time and wrote my blog.

By the time I had finished writing, I had a new message from her that said,

Betsy,

You are practically starving yourself.....I will have something for you by tomorrow....I know you are shedding some weight with your current diet, but it is mostly only water weight. 

 

 

I would like to go over this with you either in person or by phone because there is so much I want to say

in order to guide you.*

So, in my mind, that went from "No big deal, I'll get to it in a week" to "Holy fuck, this girl needs help NOW!"

*After reading that, I immediately decided it was ok to have a Lemon Meringue Pie Temptation from Jello (100 calories of nothing but sugar and fat. Yum.) and a Hershey Bliss Egg (a little one the size of a Hershey's kiss).  Then I fell asleep.  Had nothing left.

She DID get me a plan today, which was freakin' amazing.  Here's what it looks like:

Meal 1          7 a.m.	Calories	Protein	Carbohydrates	Fat
Eggs (4 whites, 1 yolk)	112	19	0	4
1/3 c. Uncooked oatmeal)	120	4	20	2
*Add water to cook
1 Med Banana	102	1.29	27	0.39
Meal 2         10 a.m.
Apple (Medium)	65	0.2	17.3	0.3
Protein Shake, mix with water	110	20	3	1
Cashews, 2 oz	97	2.6	2.8	3.9
Meal 3         12:30 p.m.
Salad, (romaine lettuce, tomatoes	43	1.2	15	0
onions, cucumber, celery, carrot)
1 Medium boneless chicken breast	140	26	0	1.5
1 tbsp. peanut butter on a rice cake	131.9	3	10	7.2
Meal 4            3:30 p.m.
4 oz patty ground turkey (99% fat free)	120	26	0	1.5
with mustard if desired
1 cup steamed broccoli	44	2	8	0.3
1/4 c. black beans (flavor with salsa if desired)	58	4	14	0.5
2 slices raw avacado	110	1	2.5	5.4
Meal 5            6:30 p.m.
4oz. Flounder	91	21	0	1.3
1 Cup Green Beans	20	1.4	3.6	0.2
8 Spears of Asparagus	20	2.3	4	0.3
Total	1383.9	134.99	127.2	29.79

I LOVE HER.

I just spent $111 on Whey protein ($44!) and the rest of the food I had to buy (I already had a lot of the list). I just hope that overall it costs less that what I would have normally spent on takeout and other junk.


She says to follow this plan until I hit my goal weight, even though I should expect some slip-ups along the way.  I am happy to follow it.  I know that it may be challenging, but I am so ready to finally hit 120 pounds (or something like it) that I will take it, bumps and all.  She encouraged me to text her with how I'm doing and feeling so she can give me feedback.  I'm really excited to be able to lean on her when I'm not sure.  That's ALWAYS when I fall off-track.  I am not sure if I should be eating more or less of one thing or another/working out more or less or differently, and I just get frustrated and think, "Oh, it doesn't matter."

Next thing I know, it's two months later, and I'm like, "What happened to that plan to lose 25 pounds?"

NOT THIS TIME!

Finally, for my diet plan today...I didn't follow it.  Ha.
I had my two eggs with toast and PB before running with Paula.  Here's proof!:

I told Paula I would crop it, but she looks so damn good, I didn't want to!

 

 

Paula and I ran/walked around the park 2 times, and she pretty much rocks.  I couldn't believe it was only her second time running.  After the two times around,  it was time for her to go, and I had to decide if I had it in me to keep running.

I actually was feeling pretty winded and tired, but I thought, "Come on.  It'll be so nice to put your Ipod back to good use."  So I did.  I went around two more times.  By the end of the second lap, I Could. Not.  Believe. how tired I was.  My legs felt like tree trunks.  People were walking faster than I was running.  I could not understand this.  Then I remembered my poor quality calorie intake for the last two days, and it made all the sense in the world.

I called it quits. I headed home.

Here's what I ate for the whole day:

• 2 eggs, pb toast (471)
• 3 eggs, pb toast (541)
• Strawberry-Feta Salad (452-no almonds or cranberries)
• Chips and Salsa...(with abandon.  No real clue on calories here.  But no more than 30 chips were consumed)
• 1 Hershey's Kiss
• 1 Klondike ice cream sandwich (immediately after I got home from buying all my "clean" food)
• 1 Lemon meringue pie temptation treat (immediately following the klondike.)

And, I just painstakingly prepared food for tomorrow so that I can stay on track.

Now it is way too late (2am for the love of GAWD!) and I need to go to bed so that I can succeed at this.