I've never seen it as a CHOICE before. This blog is an attempt to work through the self-sabotage I've been feeling for the past couple of days.
I've been struggling yesterday and today with cravings for coffee, desserts, or anything other than what I'm eating. Part of it was because I thought about how awesome it would be to take a bite of a 5 Guys burger and fries. I imagined the taste of vanilla pudding (only because I have it in my fridge), and I've considered-if only for a split second-eating one of the Tag-a-Long Girl Scout Cookies. The thought also was accompanied by the promise to "forget" that I did it. I can't quite explain this, but it was like, "Just eat it, and it won't matter."
(For the record, I did not eat it.)
But I had another interesting, nagging thought today that really shed light on why, all of a sudden, did these cravings start? The taste of a cup of coffee is sounding so heavenly right now, but I'm finding it's not because I haven't been able to eat those things. It's self-sabotage.
The nagging thought that I had was this: "Am I betraying all women (or maybe just myself) if I actually reach this goal? What about all the women who ARE overweight? If you lose this weight, are you making it ok for this society to value skinnier women over heavier women? Are you participating in "fat hatred"?
Am I making other women less valuable by achieving this goal of getting fit and seeing my belly muscles?
I was essentially saying, "I must be a fat woman in order for fat women to be loved and seen as beautiful." Which was a direct relative to "If I meet my goal, I am hurting all of womenkind. I am bad." Also related, "Am I a non-progressive "fat hater"?" But, I WANT to be progressive. Can I be progressive AND fit? Is that allowed?
Or maybe I was saying, "I don't deserve to achieve this goal for myself." And the idea that other women would be less valued (which doesn't even make sense) was just the hook to hang that thought on.
I remember being told about the Fantasy of Being Thin, and it didn't really resonate with me. The person who introduced it to me did it a few times, and I finally got why they kept bringing it up. They thought I was thinking that being thin would change my life into something that it's not. I don't necessarily believe that. I just want to be able to wear clothes without having lumps in them. That's not true. I want to ROCK A STRAPLESS DRESS! I want to ROCK A BACKLESS SHIRT! I want to WEAR A BIKINI! I'M ONLY 30/31 YEARS OLD! I don't know why I let that person's belief system override my own. At least now I can recognize it. My belief system is different. I believe that I would look great with abs. I believe it's worth changing my diet and exercise routine. I believe that I SHOULDN'T have to settle for looking lumpy in clothes, even if OTHER PEOPLE think they do.
Even if people will say I'm not a feminist for saying that.
Phew! I've been carrying that around for years.
Although I do imagine that I might feel confident enough to attempt dating again once I feel like I reached a place where I can be proud to wear whatever. I know that's a problem. It says, "I'm not good enough to be found lovable by men as I am right now." Intellectually, I know that's not true. I should do Byron Katie's "The Work" on that thought.
"I'm not good enough to be found lovable by men as I am right now."
1)Can you know that that's true? No.
2)Who would you be if you were not capable of thinking that thought? I would be more confident, happy, carefree, outgoing. I would risk flirting with more men. I would be more fun.
3)Can you think of a stress-free reason to keep that thought? No.
4)Can you think of a reason to drop that thought? Yes. It's the thought that is dictating my reservations, my lack of confidence. Not reality.
5)Turn it around. I AM good enough to be found lovable by men as I am right now. In fact men do find me lovable. I just refuse to see it because of that thought.
But, that doesn't make the connection between "fat women are the reason I should sabotage this goal" and "Right now I'm not lovable by men". Maybe the connection is confidence...or a lack of it. Or fear of what will happen to my relationships when I do reach this goal. I suppose I am afraid. Will women treat me differently? (Because I am totally putting age-inappropriate pictures of my abs on Facebook! And I'm afraid people will roll their eyes at me...in the privacy of their own homes, in front of their own computer screens, and I will never even know it...it's just a story I've been telling myself.) But I'm gonna do it anyway. I've been working hard for these abs to show up! But..will women be happy for me and support me?
I'm worried they won't. But then again, I was worried that they wouldn't be supportive of this goal in the first place, and, across the board, they were. So I should probably relax and know that the imaginary fat women out in the world will not be valued less because I have a goal I'm working toward, and the women in my life will be supportive and happy for me. I really get scared by the idea that women will reject me. Because I have definitely been rejected by women before. And I feel like appearance can be such a central piece of women's lives that it's very touchy for me. In fact, I distinctly remember someone who was saying I was pretty or something get interrupted by a woman in my life who said, "Don't tell her that. It'll go right to her head."
Well. I guess it did.
And now I can recognize that for what it was: Her problem. Not mine.
And, come to think of it, if a woman in my life ever DID act in any way other than supportive of my goals, no matter WHAT they are, I would remove her from my life. For some reason, I've felt like I've deserved scrutiny or ridicule for my diet/exercise aspirations. I know why, too, now that I think of it. As a teenager, one person would constantly comment on my fat and then ridicule my attempts to lose weight. Another person would tell me I was running wrong, had bad form (I didn't. It was just a way to put me down.)...still another person, who didn't approve of my "high-protein, low-carb" diet, told me, with contempt, "You know, that's what they feed veal calves." (Really? They feed veal calves boiled chicken?)
But all of that was in the past, and it's not happening anymore because those people are not in my life. So I can step out of those fears and into the present. Plenty of people are asking me every day how things are going. Plenty of people are excited for me and asking me what I'm doing, how do I feel, what's next? Plenty of people want to follow the same plan, and are not only excited for me, but excited for what it means for them. Kind of, "If she can do it, I can do it!", which is FABULOUS, and exactly the outcome I'm looking for. I want to dispell the myth for myself and anyone who knows me that weight loss is impossible. It's not. I hope that this process of working through these thoughts and fears is tearing down my urges to fail on purpose (I do that a lot!), or self-sabotage, and rock on with this mission!
And maybe I'm afraid that I'll lose my excuse of, "He'd never find me attractive, so I'm going to make sure he doesn't think I'm flirting with him." Which is actually a kind way of saying, "I'm not good enough for that guy." Which, AWAY from the situation, I don't think that way. But in the presence of an attractive guy, I feel that way. One, because people tend to date within their "league" (and I don't know what "league" I'm in) and Two, because I have flirted with guys that I thought were very attractive and got rejected. Or, at least got close enough to rejection to guess I needed to back off. I suppose I still won't know when it's safe to flirt without getting rejected.
I guess the common denominator is that
But I'm afraid that if I am very fit, people will reject me. Women will reject me for not being fat (that is crazy, and I can't believe I think that). Men will reject me because I will be flirting out of my league (I can't know that because I try to never flirt out of my league. Maybe I should try it to find out if I would get rejected. Eh. Definitely not anytime soon.) The opposite is probably true. If I get rejected, it wouldn't be because of my weight. So, reaching my goal would probably have little or nothing to do with being rejected. Just a story I've been telling myself.
But, these unexamined thoughts have been trying to make me quit this process. I'm so glad that I took the time to figure out why I was having those self-sabotaging thoughts.
Here was my day:
8:00am, Up, feed kitty, feed self (eggs, oatmeal, blueberries, banana-yum I love breakfast)
9:00am, Work
11:00am, eat Meal #2 (protein shake, nuts, apple)
3:00pm, eat Meal #3 (chicken, salad, yam, rice cake, peanut butter. Ate 2T pb today because I forgot my rice cake yesterday!)
4:00pm, had green tea...oops. That was my "will die if I don't get to drink this right now!" moment.
5:00pm, go home, see kitty, get changed, try to run...stopped by rain. Try to do an interval workout inside. Get frustrated with lack of direction, decide to try bear runs again, and SUCCESS! Not raining anymore. 13 bear runs at 6:30pm.
7:30pm eat Meal #4 (cod, asparagus, broccoli)
8:00pm, watch Dexter, drink tea
10:00pm, start writing blog
12:00pm finish blog, wash face, go to bed.
I'm not sure how to handle tomorrow. I want to go to Kerry's class, but I guess I have to get up at 7am to eat first. Yeah.
So, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to make my VERY BEST ATTEMPT to eat on time tomorrow. I will be working at Green Bowl from 5-10pm, so that will mean getting my last meal in at 6:30pm.
Ok. Goodnight.
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