So today I woke up to a phenomenal number on the scale, but again, not revealing my new weight until Monday, when it's been a whole week, Biggest-Loser-Style.
I can't write too long tonight because I need to be up at 7:30am to eat my breakfast.
What I can say is that I went to bed too late last night, got crappy sleep, and then worked all day waiting tables from 11am-10pm.
The biggest news for today is that I am definitely not eating enough calories. After my 3rd meal, I started to feel woozy. I was starting to only think about when my next meal was coming...which wasn't soon enough. I decided to cheat and eat it at 4:30 instead of 5:30pm. Even after that, my hunger was quelled for awhile (and I made sure to eat my avocado today), very shortly, it fired right back up again. I started to feel really low energy. It actually started to feel like one of those waitressing nightmares where you JUST. CAN'T. GET. ANYWHERE! I had NO energy. And I was losing my balance. And I couldn't remember a goddamn thing.
Case in point: A family came in, Mom, Dad, 3 year old, 1 year old. I asked them what they'd like to drink and they specifically ordered a water in a kid's cup for the 3 year old. When I returned to drop off their drinks, I realized that I didn't put the kid's drink in a kid's cup. It was just in a regular glass. And in that regular glass it sat, on my drink tray, which I was holding on my hand, while I was ooohing and aaaaahing over how damn cute this little one year old was. I was so HUNGRY and feeling off-balance (or unable to regulate my balance well) that I didn't NOTICE that I was tipping my drink tray until the glass hit the tray and went directly into this one-year-old's face.
You read that right.
I dumped a glass of icewater into a one-year-old's face.
Of course, you can imagine the scene. The baby isn't crying yet, cause it's gonna be a GOOD cry. He's building up, and I want to interrupt that. I panic while, of course, trying to help, but I'm totally limited by my capacity to think at this time, that all I can say is (in a very panicky voice), "He's gonna cry! He's gonna cry!"
That was the worst of it. The best of it was that Mom scooped him up, and I think he maybe got one tear out before he realized he was ok. I was glad to realize I didn't dump the ENTIRE glass on him. I did move my tray fast enough to get a lot of it on me. Mom did, however, have to change his clothes. Mom was also so sweet and told him it "was an adventure." Ha. Moms are the best.
I immediately decided that I would have to depart from the plan that was not allowing me to think or move my body appropriately. Except that I had work to do first.
Oh my god, it was terrible. It was seriously a waking waitressing nightmare, as I have mentioned earlier. I had 4 tables that needed drinks, but my apron was soaking wet and I had to throw out all my straws and chopsticks and get my money and notepad out while they were still dry. Oh, and what's that, I just got a new table? Awesome.
All I wanted was a cup of steamed brown rice. I knew that would replenish my sugar stores and my ability to think. But before I could do that, EVERYTHING KEPT HAPPENING. I had to start another table, and totally mislabeled their sticks (all you need to know is that this is akin to telling the kitchen the food order is for the wrong table). So that set me back some MORE, and I couldn't check on my other tables, and I kept running into hard edges and people because I could not maneuver myself through space! I could not get 2 seconds to eat something.
In short, it was a 30 minute nightmare. I just could not function.
Then I got my 1 cup of steamed brown rice and was able to function...albeit slowly. I probably could have eaten more, but since I feel like I'm apt to make excuses for myself, I decided to just keep it at one serving. After all, I HAD been serving all day, and I WAS tired. That could have had just as much to do with it.
Anyway, so I texted Amy (my official nutritionist!) and told her how I was feeling. She said that's exactly the kind of information she needs. She upped my calorie intake, so now I get a yam everyday!!! And an extra salad. I better learn to love these salads if I'm eating them twice a day. She's the best, I can't believe she got back to me right away.
We talked some more about my diet plan, and I'm finding that I really need to make an effort to get up at 7:30am to stretch my meals out...and see how that feels.
All of this is such an experiment. It's kind of fun.
I'm also realizing that habits are just habits. Once I change my habits into healthier ones, it will feel just as "natural" as eating at 5 Guys did, just because it will become the path of least resistance. I'm really excited for that, but for right now, I've got to get through the difficult time of changing those habits.
The other thing that's really cool about this whole project is how positively people are responding. The sarcastic guy at work tonight couldn't ask me enough questions. He even offered to cook my last meal (cod, asparagus, and green beans), and was just itching to give helpful tidbits, like "Hey, you wanna put some lemon on this? That's ok, right? And lemon on fish is really good." and "Hey, why don't I cook your asparagus and green beans with the cod. That'll probably make it all taste better, right?"
I was stunned. I then saw him make himself a very healthy dinner later on. I wasn't expecting this kind of response from people. I expected people to be discouraging. To roll their eyes and say that I was being extreme, or that it wasn't going to work, or would tell me how I'm a hypocrite for saying I'm a feminist and going on a diet. Or that they would say my "diet" is too involved it's taking up too much work time.
But much to my surprise, the opposite has happened. People are really excited for me and ask me how it's going. It seems to get people excited. I'm pleasantly surprised, because I need all the help I can get. When I first started writing about it, I was even making disparaging comments about myself, such as, "So the moment I decide to actually start this project of losing weight, I immediately start re-organizing my entire home." I framed it as AVOIDING the weight loss. I framed MYSELF as a loser, who would not succeed at this because at the first stage I'm avoiding it. But that wasn't even true. I felt like I couldn't succeed at this project unless my home was sleek and streamlined. Easy on the eyes.
But I felt like if I presented myself as a winner, as a person who achieves things, then there would be people who would try to tear me down and sabotage my efforts. So, it was actually a self-protective thing to frame myself as a loser. Except that when I do that, I begin to believe my own words. I felt myself failing before I even started, so I'm trying to allow myself to frame myself in a positive light, as a person who IS capable of losing these 25 pounds, and seeing my belly muscles. I believe that's the only way I'm going to get there.
I can't write too long tonight because I need to be up at 7:30am to eat my breakfast.
What I can say is that I went to bed too late last night, got crappy sleep, and then worked all day waiting tables from 11am-10pm.
The biggest news for today is that I am definitely not eating enough calories. After my 3rd meal, I started to feel woozy. I was starting to only think about when my next meal was coming...which wasn't soon enough. I decided to cheat and eat it at 4:30 instead of 5:30pm. Even after that, my hunger was quelled for awhile (and I made sure to eat my avocado today), very shortly, it fired right back up again. I started to feel really low energy. It actually started to feel like one of those waitressing nightmares where you JUST. CAN'T. GET. ANYWHERE! I had NO energy. And I was losing my balance. And I couldn't remember a goddamn thing.
Case in point: A family came in, Mom, Dad, 3 year old, 1 year old. I asked them what they'd like to drink and they specifically ordered a water in a kid's cup for the 3 year old. When I returned to drop off their drinks, I realized that I didn't put the kid's drink in a kid's cup. It was just in a regular glass. And in that regular glass it sat, on my drink tray, which I was holding on my hand, while I was ooohing and aaaaahing over how damn cute this little one year old was. I was so HUNGRY and feeling off-balance (or unable to regulate my balance well) that I didn't NOTICE that I was tipping my drink tray until the glass hit the tray and went directly into this one-year-old's face.
You read that right.
I dumped a glass of icewater into a one-year-old's face.
Of course, you can imagine the scene. The baby isn't crying yet, cause it's gonna be a GOOD cry. He's building up, and I want to interrupt that. I panic while, of course, trying to help, but I'm totally limited by my capacity to think at this time, that all I can say is (in a very panicky voice), "He's gonna cry! He's gonna cry!"
That was the worst of it. The best of it was that Mom scooped him up, and I think he maybe got one tear out before he realized he was ok. I was glad to realize I didn't dump the ENTIRE glass on him. I did move my tray fast enough to get a lot of it on me. Mom did, however, have to change his clothes. Mom was also so sweet and told him it "was an adventure." Ha. Moms are the best.
I immediately decided that I would have to depart from the plan that was not allowing me to think or move my body appropriately. Except that I had work to do first.
Oh my god, it was terrible. It was seriously a waking waitressing nightmare, as I have mentioned earlier. I had 4 tables that needed drinks, but my apron was soaking wet and I had to throw out all my straws and chopsticks and get my money and notepad out while they were still dry. Oh, and what's that, I just got a new table? Awesome.
All I wanted was a cup of steamed brown rice. I knew that would replenish my sugar stores and my ability to think. But before I could do that, EVERYTHING KEPT HAPPENING. I had to start another table, and totally mislabeled their sticks (all you need to know is that this is akin to telling the kitchen the food order is for the wrong table). So that set me back some MORE, and I couldn't check on my other tables, and I kept running into hard edges and people because I could not maneuver myself through space! I could not get 2 seconds to eat something.
In short, it was a 30 minute nightmare. I just could not function.
Then I got my 1 cup of steamed brown rice and was able to function...albeit slowly. I probably could have eaten more, but since I feel like I'm apt to make excuses for myself, I decided to just keep it at one serving. After all, I HAD been serving all day, and I WAS tired. That could have had just as much to do with it.
Anyway, so I texted Amy (my official nutritionist!) and told her how I was feeling. She said that's exactly the kind of information she needs. She upped my calorie intake, so now I get a yam everyday!!! And an extra salad. I better learn to love these salads if I'm eating them twice a day. She's the best, I can't believe she got back to me right away.
We talked some more about my diet plan, and I'm finding that I really need to make an effort to get up at 7:30am to stretch my meals out...and see how that feels.
All of this is such an experiment. It's kind of fun.
I'm also realizing that habits are just habits. Once I change my habits into healthier ones, it will feel just as "natural" as eating at 5 Guys did, just because it will become the path of least resistance. I'm really excited for that, but for right now, I've got to get through the difficult time of changing those habits.
The other thing that's really cool about this whole project is how positively people are responding. The sarcastic guy at work tonight couldn't ask me enough questions. He even offered to cook my last meal (cod, asparagus, and green beans), and was just itching to give helpful tidbits, like "Hey, you wanna put some lemon on this? That's ok, right? And lemon on fish is really good." and "Hey, why don't I cook your asparagus and green beans with the cod. That'll probably make it all taste better, right?"
I was stunned. I then saw him make himself a very healthy dinner later on. I wasn't expecting this kind of response from people. I expected people to be discouraging. To roll their eyes and say that I was being extreme, or that it wasn't going to work, or would tell me how I'm a hypocrite for saying I'm a feminist and going on a diet. Or that they would say my "diet" is too involved it's taking up too much work time.
But much to my surprise, the opposite has happened. People are really excited for me and ask me how it's going. It seems to get people excited. I'm pleasantly surprised, because I need all the help I can get. When I first started writing about it, I was even making disparaging comments about myself, such as, "So the moment I decide to actually start this project of losing weight, I immediately start re-organizing my entire home." I framed it as AVOIDING the weight loss. I framed MYSELF as a loser, who would not succeed at this because at the first stage I'm avoiding it. But that wasn't even true. I felt like I couldn't succeed at this project unless my home was sleek and streamlined. Easy on the eyes.
But I felt like if I presented myself as a winner, as a person who achieves things, then there would be people who would try to tear me down and sabotage my efforts. So, it was actually a self-protective thing to frame myself as a loser. Except that when I do that, I begin to believe my own words. I felt myself failing before I even started, so I'm trying to allow myself to frame myself in a positive light, as a person who IS capable of losing these 25 pounds, and seeing my belly muscles. I believe that's the only way I'm going to get there.
No comments:
Post a Comment