If I had a funny picture of myself today, it would be flopped on a couch. I am cooked. I am done.
Today was the first day of following my new *official* diet plan. It got harder as the day wore on. Mainly because I got hungrier as the day went on. And with the hunger came a feeling of hopelessness. Not sure why. When I was a freshman in college and lost weight (I got down to 111 pounds! I was thrilled!) Feeling hungry did not give me anxiety. Now it does.
Anyway. Here's the rundown.
Breakfast was supereasy to make, and supereasy to enjoy. Egg whites, banana, and oatmeal for those of you who don't have it memorized (insert snarky face). It was made very clear that caffeine is not my friend in this quest, so I just decided to quit having my morning coffee. So, at about 10am, a caffeine headache set in that stayed with me for the rest of the day. In fact, it's keeping me company right now.
The next meal was the shocker of the day. I had my protein shake, apple, and cashews. I was NOT looking forward to this protein shake. I'd never actually just consumed a protein shake, I've only ever added the whey to other foods. Precisely because I do NOT look forward to drinking it. It just doesn't sound good.
However, it was FANTASTIC! It was like having dessert! Oh, I didn't want it to be over! Just protein powder and water and voila, I had a delicious-almost-vanilla-milkshake in seconds. I loved the taste AND the consistency. And it's good for me! I immediately went into a panic and thought that I got the wrong kind. It seemed WRONG to be enjoying it this much!
For the curious:
It's from Beverly International, and as I just read the description of the product, it does say that the vanilla flavor is close to the consistency of soft-serve ice cream. Awesome.
My chicken meal was alright. I accidentally left my salad home (brought the wrong container, even though I painstakingly stayed up late last night to make this as easy as possible). So I had chicken and a rice cake with peanut butter. No flavors on this rice cake, either. That's what the peanut butter was for.
When I came home, I ate my salad, which I also was not looking forward to. Romaine lettuce with onions, cucumbers, tomatoes, celery, and carrots...no dressing. I really thought I would hate it, but I was pleasantly surprised. There's a lot of flavor in those vegetables when they're not covered up with dressing.
Anyway, I ended up getting really hungry and cranky between meals as the day wore on. I ate my turkey burger, broccoli, and black beans, and ended up falling asleep on the couch. When I woke up I was even hungrier and crankier than I was before I ate my last meal. So, I decided to go ahead and start to cook my next and last meal. Cod with green beans and asparagus.
Then I remembered something. I conveniently forgot to eat my avocado for part of my last meal. I was thrilled, because it made more sense as to why I was so hungry, but I HATE avocado. Every time it's in a wrap or a sushi roll, it turns my stomach. I can even tell if I've eaten something with avocado in it by the way my body responds.
But! I am not about to let some damn avocado stand in the way of whether or not I see this project through. So I ate the damn avocado. At first, it was so gross. I pulled it out of the fridge, and it had brown on it. I thought, "Oh great, it went bad already." Then I realized they must go brown like apples go brown. So I ate the damn thing. I wasn't happy about it, but I ate it. And, it got better, as I painfully worked my way through it. Amazingly enough, my crankiness took a hike.
So, I just ate my last meal at 7:30pm, and I am so SO proud of myself for doing it. Several times today I caught myself reaching for a sweet or something. I had to remember that I am on a CLEAN EATING program. And I will probably be on it for several weeks. It's funny to watch those habits pop up. Instead of absent-mindedly just doing it, today, I was just able to take a step back and register the habit. Notice it. That was a different experience.
**For the record, I literally JUST finished my 90oz of water for the day. Yippee for me!
I am also slowly coming to the conclusion that when this period of eating 100% clean is over--for me, that will be when I reach my ideal weight, which I suspect to be around 120lbs--I will go to either: 1)eating 80% clean and 20% not clean 100% of the time, or 2)80% of the time eating 100% clean and 20% of the time not clean. Which means that one of the lasting changes I am likely to make will be to probably not eat bread very often. There are probably a lot of ways that my diet will change for the long-term in the interest of staying at 120lbs that I am not totally mentally prepared for yet.
Which brings me to something I was thinking about today. I was having another conversation about why on earth I would put terrible half-naked pictures of myself up on the internet. This WHY question really has me stumped and curious, so I've been talking to everybody about it. During this conversation, I caught myself saying, "I am so tired of PRETENDING to be skinnier than I am."
Here's what I mean. During the now infamous trip I took, with friends (who are no longer friends, to be clear), where that guy said, "Whoa! Baby got back!" I did this very stupid thing that is based on pretending (or believing myself to be) to be skinnier than I am. Whenever my friends and I would go to eat (we would go to fast food joints and anything cheap because we were poor), I would intentionally choose a burger and fries or any obviously bad food choice. Here's why I would do that: I was pretending to be skinnier than I was while being able to burgers just to make my friends jealous. (I know, I know! I have issues! You don't have to tell me that! I have a therapist with whom I work on these issues, TYVM.) My friends were choosing salads, and I was too stubborn/proud/living-in-a-fantasy-that-I-could-eat-burgers-and-be-"skinny" to do the same. It was like this: My self-sabotaging diva thought, "I want them to think that I can eat burgers and fries and be just as skinny as they are while they pick at their salads."
11 years later, I'm like...Well. THAT was an epic fail.
1. I was fatter than them, not as skinny or skinnier. This is the fantasy part.
2. Eating burgers was making me even fatter, and ON TOP of that, they were watching me making choices that were clearly contributing to the fact that I was fatter than them. Not making anybody jealous. This is the crazy part.
(The obvious truth here is that I was jealous. I was jealous that they were skinny and capable of getting a salad without fear of being ridiculed for eating "rabbit" or "diet" food...which is EXACTLY what one of the friends who was present had done to me in the past. So I suppose I had my reasons. Bad reasons, but reasons, nonetheless.)
Come to think of it, if I go back further, when I was in high school, on our Senior Trip, I wore a bikini, but REFUSED to stand up visibly in it. I would only lay down in it...you know, so the fat couldn't "roll", or I would be submerged in water, so the fat would be hard to see. When I would stand up, I would put a tanktop on, even though the wet padding of my bra would leak through and it would look ridiculous. I suppose I had a great deal of body shame at the time. I certainly wasn't one of the hot popular girls, and in no way did I want to open myself up to criticism by looking confident about my body. So I guess I had improved since high school.
***NEWSFLASH***
Just talked to my favorite person in the whole wide world right now, and she said that it's great that I am noticing more hunger between meals as the day goes on and that I should see results in a few days! She is so sweet and encouraging! She told me to try on a pair of tight pants and tell her when I see a difference. That shouldn't be hard! All of my pants are tight!
Ok, back to why I put very honest pictures of myself on the internet.
I've spent most of my life in this space of pretending I'm skinnier than I am, or using tricks to make myself appear skinnier than I am, or ANYTHING just to be skinnier than I am. But here's the thing:
I am not skinnier than I am. (Not rocket science, right?)
And until I accept where I am at right here, right now, there can be no forward movement. I put the pictures up because I wanted to wholly embrace where I am right now. Even in the eyes of the public. This way, there is no point in pretending I am skinnier than I am. Everyone can see exactly what I look like. No spanx, no black clothes. And with that reality, I can accurately assess the situation and change it. No effort spent keeping up a facade here.
As long as I am pretending to be skinny and able to eat burgers, I'm totally screwed. And, as long as I'm wearing loose pants and shirts to glaze over my lumps and rolls, I feel as though I look skinnier (TO OTHER PEOPLE-I'm finding other people's opinion of me has been a major stumbling block. I'm trying to make my own opinion of myself way more important). And, if I feel as though I look skinnier, then that keeps me in fantasyland where I do stupid things that make me fatter because I am in denial of what I really look like and what the consequences really are.
That is all.
Now... to decide if I should go to bed or watch the Finale of Glee.
Love him. Hope he's of age or else I'm a creeper.
Today was the first day of following my new *official* diet plan. It got harder as the day wore on. Mainly because I got hungrier as the day went on. And with the hunger came a feeling of hopelessness. Not sure why. When I was a freshman in college and lost weight (I got down to 111 pounds! I was thrilled!) Feeling hungry did not give me anxiety. Now it does.
Anyway. Here's the rundown.
Breakfast was supereasy to make, and supereasy to enjoy. Egg whites, banana, and oatmeal for those of you who don't have it memorized (insert snarky face). It was made very clear that caffeine is not my friend in this quest, so I just decided to quit having my morning coffee. So, at about 10am, a caffeine headache set in that stayed with me for the rest of the day. In fact, it's keeping me company right now.
The next meal was the shocker of the day. I had my protein shake, apple, and cashews. I was NOT looking forward to this protein shake. I'd never actually just consumed a protein shake, I've only ever added the whey to other foods. Precisely because I do NOT look forward to drinking it. It just doesn't sound good.
However, it was FANTASTIC! It was like having dessert! Oh, I didn't want it to be over! Just protein powder and water and voila, I had a delicious-almost-vanilla-milkshake in seconds. I loved the taste AND the consistency. And it's good for me! I immediately went into a panic and thought that I got the wrong kind. It seemed WRONG to be enjoying it this much!
For the curious:
My chicken meal was alright. I accidentally left my salad home (brought the wrong container, even though I painstakingly stayed up late last night to make this as easy as possible). So I had chicken and a rice cake with peanut butter. No flavors on this rice cake, either. That's what the peanut butter was for.
When I came home, I ate my salad, which I also was not looking forward to. Romaine lettuce with onions, cucumbers, tomatoes, celery, and carrots...no dressing. I really thought I would hate it, but I was pleasantly surprised. There's a lot of flavor in those vegetables when they're not covered up with dressing.
Anyway, I ended up getting really hungry and cranky between meals as the day wore on. I ate my turkey burger, broccoli, and black beans, and ended up falling asleep on the couch. When I woke up I was even hungrier and crankier than I was before I ate my last meal. So, I decided to go ahead and start to cook my next and last meal. Cod with green beans and asparagus.
Then I remembered something. I conveniently forgot to eat my avocado for part of my last meal. I was thrilled, because it made more sense as to why I was so hungry, but I HATE avocado. Every time it's in a wrap or a sushi roll, it turns my stomach. I can even tell if I've eaten something with avocado in it by the way my body responds.
But! I am not about to let some damn avocado stand in the way of whether or not I see this project through. So I ate the damn avocado. At first, it was so gross. I pulled it out of the fridge, and it had brown on it. I thought, "Oh great, it went bad already." Then I realized they must go brown like apples go brown. So I ate the damn thing. I wasn't happy about it, but I ate it. And, it got better, as I painfully worked my way through it. Amazingly enough, my crankiness took a hike.
So, I just ate my last meal at 7:30pm, and I am so SO proud of myself for doing it. Several times today I caught myself reaching for a sweet or something. I had to remember that I am on a CLEAN EATING program. And I will probably be on it for several weeks. It's funny to watch those habits pop up. Instead of absent-mindedly just doing it, today, I was just able to take a step back and register the habit. Notice it. That was a different experience.
**For the record, I literally JUST finished my 90oz of water for the day. Yippee for me!
I am also slowly coming to the conclusion that when this period of eating 100% clean is over--for me, that will be when I reach my ideal weight, which I suspect to be around 120lbs--I will go to either: 1)eating 80% clean and 20% not clean 100% of the time, or 2)80% of the time eating 100% clean and 20% of the time not clean. Which means that one of the lasting changes I am likely to make will be to probably not eat bread very often. There are probably a lot of ways that my diet will change for the long-term in the interest of staying at 120lbs that I am not totally mentally prepared for yet.
Which brings me to something I was thinking about today. I was having another conversation about why on earth I would put terrible half-naked pictures of myself up on the internet. This WHY question really has me stumped and curious, so I've been talking to everybody about it. During this conversation, I caught myself saying, "I am so tired of PRETENDING to be skinnier than I am."
Here's what I mean. During the now infamous trip I took, with friends (who are no longer friends, to be clear), where that guy said, "Whoa! Baby got back!" I did this very stupid thing that is based on pretending (or believing myself to be) to be skinnier than I am. Whenever my friends and I would go to eat (we would go to fast food joints and anything cheap because we were poor), I would intentionally choose a burger and fries or any obviously bad food choice. Here's why I would do that: I was pretending to be skinnier than I was while being able to burgers just to make my friends jealous. (I know, I know! I have issues! You don't have to tell me that! I have a therapist with whom I work on these issues, TYVM.) My friends were choosing salads, and I was too stubborn/proud/living-in-a-fantasy-that-I-could-eat-burgers-and-be-"skinny" to do the same. It was like this: My self-sabotaging diva thought, "I want them to think that I can eat burgers and fries and be just as skinny as they are while they pick at their salads."
11 years later, I'm like...Well. THAT was an epic fail.
1. I was fatter than them, not as skinny or skinnier. This is the fantasy part.
2. Eating burgers was making me even fatter, and ON TOP of that, they were watching me making choices that were clearly contributing to the fact that I was fatter than them. Not making anybody jealous. This is the crazy part.
(The obvious truth here is that I was jealous. I was jealous that they were skinny and capable of getting a salad without fear of being ridiculed for eating "rabbit" or "diet" food...which is EXACTLY what one of the friends who was present had done to me in the past. So I suppose I had my reasons. Bad reasons, but reasons, nonetheless.)
Come to think of it, if I go back further, when I was in high school, on our Senior Trip, I wore a bikini, but REFUSED to stand up visibly in it. I would only lay down in it...you know, so the fat couldn't "roll", or I would be submerged in water, so the fat would be hard to see. When I would stand up, I would put a tanktop on, even though the wet padding of my bra would leak through and it would look ridiculous. I suppose I had a great deal of body shame at the time. I certainly wasn't one of the hot popular girls, and in no way did I want to open myself up to criticism by looking confident about my body. So I guess I had improved since high school.
***NEWSFLASH***
Just talked to my favorite person in the whole wide world right now, and she said that it's great that I am noticing more hunger between meals as the day goes on and that I should see results in a few days! She is so sweet and encouraging! She told me to try on a pair of tight pants and tell her when I see a difference. That shouldn't be hard! All of my pants are tight!
Ok, back to why I put very honest pictures of myself on the internet.
I've spent most of my life in this space of pretending I'm skinnier than I am, or using tricks to make myself appear skinnier than I am, or ANYTHING just to be skinnier than I am. But here's the thing:
I am not skinnier than I am. (Not rocket science, right?)
And until I accept where I am at right here, right now, there can be no forward movement. I put the pictures up because I wanted to wholly embrace where I am right now. Even in the eyes of the public. This way, there is no point in pretending I am skinnier than I am. Everyone can see exactly what I look like. No spanx, no black clothes. And with that reality, I can accurately assess the situation and change it. No effort spent keeping up a facade here.
As long as I am pretending to be skinny and able to eat burgers, I'm totally screwed. And, as long as I'm wearing loose pants and shirts to glaze over my lumps and rolls, I feel as though I look skinnier (TO OTHER PEOPLE-I'm finding other people's opinion of me has been a major stumbling block. I'm trying to make my own opinion of myself way more important). And, if I feel as though I look skinnier, then that keeps me in fantasyland where I do stupid things that make me fatter because I am in denial of what I really look like and what the consequences really are.
That is all.
Now... to decide if I should go to bed or watch the Finale of Glee.
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