Yes this has to do with seeing my belly muscles.
And, actually, I didn't just find out. I just accepted it. Acknowledged it. Named it. Colored in all the detail.
Actually, it slapped me in the face.
It occurred to me that in an earlier part of my life, someone tried to "save me". Tried to show me what a good life they had, and how, if I would only LISTEN to them, and TAKE THEIR ADVICE, that I would be happy too.
Except that I didn't want their life. I didn't want to take their advice. I didn't want to be put in this position. But I did want the spoils of it all. The attention. The benefits. I used the person and humored their advice.
Now I'm finding that this has been done to me. And it sucks.
Because now I know that this person I've been trying to save didn't want to be saved at all. Didn't want my life. Didn't want my advice. Resented that I boxed them in, tried to control them, disapproved.
But this person still wanted the attention, wanted the spoils. The benefits. So this person used me and humored my advice.
And I wondered why it was harder to lose weight when I was trying to save this person.
I read all the quizzes about being codependent. The one that struck me the most was: "Has any one in the past year asked you, begged you, PLEADED with you to STOP HELPING THEM?"
Oh. Yeah.
And here I thought I was healthy.
But now that I've named it, I can change it. Codependency does not make a person happy. As you can see in the triangle above, it is full of disappointment, hurt, broken hearts, broken promises. Not to mention the wasted effort. I've gone to SO MUCH EFFORT.
But it's not about this one person. Or another person. Or another. It's about me. And I'm going to be in codependent relationships until I decide not to behave that way anymore.
I have been behaving in ways that a codependent person behaves. And I am so finished with it. I'm most likely codependent in a lot of my relationships. And can I just say, I have hated the term codependent ever since my mother mentioned it when I was growing up. At the mere mention of the possibility that I could be codependent, I would freak out and say that it was a made-up thing by the Christian religion and it wasn't even in the DSM IV or whatever it is. So don't label me!
But here I am. Finding that I answered yes to just about all the questions. UGH.
So. Step one is to focus on myself. And only myself. Earlier this year, at my brother's request, I decided to stop getting involved in other people's problems.
Only it didn't last. Things came up that I thought, "This is urgent! This is dire!" and "There is no other solution!" or "If I do this, I can change outcome to the outcome I want!"
All of those statements are wrong.
No situation was so urgent that I had to fix it. There were other solutions. I did not succeed in changing the outcome. Not even a little bit.
I just wasted my life a little bit.
So. Here's to no more wasted effort. Here's to no more broken promises.
I guess the first thing I'm going to do is learn as much as I can about codependency, and then with my therapist (yes I have one!) I'm going to tackle and overcome this.
On the weight loss front, for the past few days, I have had no appetite, I worked out once or twice, I've gotten terrible sleep, and I've spent a lot of time lurched over with nausea and fear about what this person was doing to their life. And it's unwarranted. That person sure as hell isn't worried about it, and I wouldn't give a crap if it was anybody else. Anybody else could do the things that this person is doing and I would not bat an eyelash. I would think they were an idiot and wish them well.
It's messing with my weight loss, and it serves no purpose.
In good news, I am down to 133.4 lbs! For the past 4 days, I have allowed this situation, which actually does not even involve me, to take me away from my goals.
No more. Starting now, I'm going to be taking VERY good care of myself, and I'll be learning how to have healthier relationships.
No comments:
Post a Comment