These past two weeks have been quite the challenge for me. My allergies have gone haywire, and the only relief I got was from sleeping all day, and that didn't even last.
But tonight, I felt like I had a moment in time that changed a little piece of my identity.
I got up this morning for work, feeling crappy as ever, but I knew I had a full day of things to take care of. I didn't run before breakfast, I just simply got up and got ready for work.
Sidenote:
This seemed really bizarre and way too easy. I mean, before I started this exercise and eating plan, it was all I could do to drag myself out of bed by 8:40 and get to work by 9:00 (ok, 9:05...if I'm being generous). Getting to work was one of the most stressful parts of my day, I would inevitably not have time to drink my coffee, so I'd spill it on myself while trying to lug 3 bags and a laptop out of my car and into the building. Oh, it was a nightmare, every single day.
Now, I hope to get my bear runs in before breakfast, which happens at 7am, when I eat on time. So bear runs should start at 6am. (Sidenote in a sidenote: I want to try them again and see if I can do a better job, now that Fraser hill runs have taught me what my heart rate should feel like!). So, my mornings have changed drastically, and most of the time for the better. Now, ask I want to incorporate is time to write down the dreams I had. I should have time for that tomorrow. End sidenote.
Anyway, my point is that I woke up feeling alright, but my day wore me down very quickly. I was just dashing from one thing to the next, and when I left work at 4pm, I was faced with a familiar, ugly set of circumstances:
I'm home from work, and I'm tired,hungry, and I'm also feeling a little under the weather. Therefore, I don't know whether I should eat or nap before class, because I can't do both. And, I'm not looking forward to class tonight, because I'm afraid it will be more than I can handle.
In the past, I simply would have eaten a big meal and feel asleep on the couch, missed my class and felt a huge sense of relief about not going. The nap would be the best nap if my life, naturally, because I did that instead of sweating my brains out at the gym. But that sense of satisfaction and relief would be followed by a hollow sense of failure. I would involuntarily run through the reasons I hadn't succeeded at losing weight, and choosing to miss that class would only be one thing in a, list of many. I would then start bleeding into all other aspects of my life that I feel less than superb in, and in general start tearing myself down. As you might imagine, this never helped anything.
So tonight, the decision was different. I was going to class. There were no two ways about that. I told Amy I would be there, and I was going. Plus, I want in such bad shape that I couldn't work out. I just wasn't feeling energized or 100%. My section centered around: Nap? Or food? Of course, my first inclination was to sleep. It would have been such a wonderful nap. But then I thought, "I'll have to eat. That way when I'm done with class I can just go straight to bed if I need to." That was it, no time to spare. I just cooked my food and ate it. End of story.
By the time I was heading to class, I was starting to get really fearful. I left with plenty of time, and once I got there, I was moving so slowly that I was worried I would make a fool out of myself in class.
But, I was definitely doing something different. I was going to a very challenging class when I couldn't be sure I would make it through. That felt very different than just choosing not to go. I can't say I felt proud of myself before the class started. It was more like I resented myself for being there.
However, I talked to Amy and told her what I was dealing with as far as the allergies and how they were making me feel sick and rundown. I was terrified that I was making excuses for myself. (There was a moment in high school when Richard Simmons' book laid out what you are supposed to eat for breakfast...and he mistakenly said "unless you're a lumberjack or a farmer, you don't need that much food". And lo and behold, I WAS A FARMER! So I needed *that much* food. When I explained this to my friend at the time, she gave me a look that said, "You can't be serious right now, and if you are, you're going to be fat forever because you refuse to face the reality of your situation and what you have to do to change it." Ok, maybe I read into that look a little bit too much, but regardless, at the time, I was fooling myself into a lie so that I could avoid the hard work. I was creating excuses. And creating excuses feels terrible, and I never want to be there again.)
I'm terrified that deep down, I'm just not cut out for succeeding at something difficult, and any people who would love to see me fail will get to, because I've made it so public.
All that because I wanted to skip a class.
I'm glad it came up though, because it gave me an opportunity to build confidence, to be assured in the fact that I CAN do this, that I AM doing it, and that I am not likely to fail. I'm kind of kicking ass at it, actually *wink*.
Amy reassured me to just do my best, and said, "We'll just see what happens". That's pretty much my attitude too. All I can be sure of in this project is that I will learn a lot about myself. I shared with her that I have a fear of using the relentless allergies as an excuse, and it helped just to have her know that.
So, class began. I was feeling anxious. I did everything the best I could and tried to let go of the anxiety and just be in the present moment, instead of predicting my future demise-which will most likely create my future demise if I keep thinking it.
Before I know it, we're 10 minutes in and already sweat is pouring off my face. That was different, I was sweating more than usual tonight. After awhile, I just got into the groove of the class and concentrated on leaving everything I had on the floor, like they do in Biggest Loser Last Chance Workouts.
In the last 15 minutes of this hour-long class, I really found out what I was capable of. Amy had us do The Dynamic three times in a row, I think. This involves so much jumping that if you had told me I would be doing it (before class), I would have been filled with dread. But here I was, in the midst of it, trying to squat low jump high, do plank jacks and pushups, do jumps with weights...oh man, it was killer. And I know I left it all there because I started to work to the point that I wanted to throw up. So yay me!
After class, I was so sweaty I wanted to take a picture and frame it. What an accomplishment! I had even gotten over my irritation that my bangs were so thoroughly soaked in sweat that they had been slapping me in the face every time I jumped our did a plank jack. It felt so freeing to not be bothered by that anymore. I definitely came to class feeling irritable and left feeling light with not a care in the world.
I also left with a stronger sense of how capable I am, and a better sense that I will probably not let myself down.
This "giving in when things seem hard" thing is a really familiar place for me to be, and I'm proud to say that tonight, I won the battle for myself, and I have nothing but rewards for all that hard work! No guilt, no doubt, no despair or hopelessness.
Instead, I'm filed with hopefulness, I'm excited to see the scale tomorrow, and I'm motivated to stay on my eating plan. I am also more confident that I will see these belly muscles of mine! What an idea!
I must say, before I go, that Amy also showed me a few quick tricks around the gym that I am definitely going to work into my schedule. She is fabulous.
No comments:
Post a Comment