I haven't written for a few days, and it definitely shows.
I've had a really rough couple of days, and if I had been writing consistently, it probably wouldn't have happened. Well. I can't say that for sure. But let me express what the last few days have been like.
I started on a downward trajectory sometime last week. I just didn't think I could hang on until Sunday for my cheat day. I think I've identified (and eliminated) one major multi-faceted trigger that pushed me over the edge. Sunday I was very disciplined and tried to do my cheat day right. I ate kind of what I wanted, within bounds, and yet, I went home that night feeling deprived.
I woke up Monday, and I just wasn't feeling like doing the work. I was tired of being tired. I've been getting interrupted sleep lately. So, Monday I'm sure I exercised but not like I usually do. I skipped my Kerry class too. I just didn't think I could do it.
I still followed my diet plan. Every day was getting gradually harder and harder to stay on my plan.
It was very much like sinking slowly.
I have a lot going on right now, and I was just drowning in it all. I'm going to be moving August 26th, but the paperwork isn't finalized, my current place isn't clean enough for prospective tenants to visit (and if no one takes the lease by Sept 1, I will have to pay rent there AND at the new place), I didn't have the energy to do my dishes or in general clean up after myself. My bills are mounting because I need to have a security deposit and first month's rent for this new place, and since my car broke down last month, that meant putting off any bills I could (car's still not fixed. Running on 5 cylinders until I can pay someone to unstick the spark plug, which could take $1500). I had this trip coming up for work that I anticipated being gone for a week, which would mean spending money I didn't have, and having to work THAT MUCH HARDER to stay on a plan I was barely clinging to in the first place, AND cramming the work I need to do for next week into this week, which is already overwhelming. To make matters worse, the trip logistics (how was I getting there, how was I paying for the hotel, when am I going/leaving) was causing me an enormous amount of stress.
Then finally it happened.
On Tuesday, I woke up and ate my breakfast that I look forward to every day. I had a relaxing morning and told myself, "Today it will all be fixed. I can do this." By three o'clock everything came crashing down. My brother's girlfriend had gone into labor early in the morning and I was dying of anticipation to hear the news. At three thirty, I could take no more. I had a raging headache (I never get those) which was directly related to trying to organize myself for the trip, and I just had to get out of the office for a break before class. So I did.
I went to Starbucks and ordered a Tall Mocha Coconut frappucino and a birthday cake pop. I ate the birthday cake pop WHILE WAITING FOR MY FRAPPUCINO. I drove back downtown, and on the way, finished my frappucino. So, I stopped at Dunkin Donuts and got an iced coffee with cream and sugar. AND FOUR DONUTS. I went back to the office, plunked back down at my desk and proceeded to eat most of the four donuts.
I have to say, I felt better.
Then I finished out my workday at 9pm and felt the urge to destroy again. So, I drove directly to McDonald's *gasp!* and got a Quarter Pounder with cheese, and a LARGE fry. I ate it at home. Then I had some more taco dip. Then I had some Oreos.
You see, my mission wasn't to eat to fulfill something. I was eating to destroy all progress I had made. I was self-destructing.
One of the interactions I had triggered powerfully negative thoughts that flooded my brain, and I didn't have the emotional immune system to fend them off. They sounded like this:
"You don't deserve this." Message: I don't deserve good things because of who I am.
"Betsy never finishes anything." Message: I am a quitter and a failure.
"You are spoiled." Message: I don't deserve the good things I do have, and I should feel guilty for having them because other people who are not me deserve them more.
"You are a brat." Message: I do not deserve to be loved or understood. I do not accept you
"This is _____'s day, not yours!" (yelled at me because I've been accused of stealing the show, stealing friends, when I was never intentionally doing any of that.) Message: I am selfish and people don't like me.
"You are a troublemaker." Message: You intentionally cause problems for other people because you are selfish.
"You cause problems." Message: You don't deserve to be treated fairly, and when you complain, it's nothing but you making life hard for other people.
"You are selfish." Message: And we don't like/accept you.
"Give her an inch and she'll take a mile." Message: I'm selfish and can't be trusted because I'm bad.
"Even so-and-so thinks you're a brat." Message: Nobody likes/accepts you.
"Don't you think that's long enough (to stay here for a visit)?" Message: You cause problems, are selfish, and we don't want you here. If you were not here, the problems would not be here.
I'm sure there was more, but there was a general theme running through my head that I was nothing but trouble. That I make bad decisions. That I don't work hard. That I am selfish. That I don't deserve good things because I am fundamentally bad and a pain in "everybody's" behind.
This is where I invoke Martha Beck's "Everybody" theory. We all walk around with an Everybody. For example on that day, I was thinking, "Everybody hates me and thinks I do nothing but cause problems." "Everybody" is the collection of messages that you've gathered from your childhood until present day that you repeat to yourself on a constant basis.
What's interesting though, is if I try to list 'EVERYBODY' who thinks "Betsy is a troublemaker", I will come up with maybe 5 names (of course, they all know me in the same context). No one else in my life thinks that. Therefore 'EVERYBODY' is not everybody at all, but a select group of people who think of me in the same way.
So, I decided (with Martha Beck's help, of course) to choose my Everybody. And I decided to choose the people who have said things like this to me:
"Betsy works hard at everything she does." Mrs. Joan Jannone (this was perhaps the most important thing anyone in my life has ever said to me. I absolutely let it become part of my identity.)
"Betsy, I wanted to work with you because I saw your drive in class." Amy
"It's no secret that you work very, very hard." Jason
"Betsy, I love you so much." AnnaLisa
"You are one of my favorite people and I kind of judge other people by how you feel about them." (not putting this person's name on here because I don't think she'd appreciate it!)
"Betsy, you are like, one of the most trustworthy people I know." Elise
"Even you, the most sunshiny and people-y person I know couldn't warm up that room." Emma
"Betsy, you always made it ok to be me." Karrie
Those are just off the top of my head. Not to mention the countless people who have supported me throughout this journey so far. People just offering words of encouragement and having faith in me. I needed to HEAR AND FEEL the messages that people were sending me that were based in love. Cause the Everybody that I was hauling around on Tuesday did not love me. In fact, that Everybody hated me and wanted to see me fail, because that Everybody did not believe that I deserved to be happy.
(Disclaimer: This is not to suggest that I don't have moments where I absolutely tell someone what I think of them, whether it is nice or not. I can be downright mean and exacting if the situation calls for it. What it is suggesting is that those people listed above KNOW I do that and love me anyway.)
So that worked for a night.
Then I had the same trigger happen again. And Wednesday night after work I went and got a Blizzard. And ate some Oreos.
You see, I wasn't trying to satisfy an itch or a craving. I was just trying to satisfy Everybody who said I don't deserve to have success in my life. I was actively trying to destroy the progress I've made so far, because Everybody knows I don't deserve it. Everybody knows I'm just a failure, and who am I kidding?
Somehow, through interactions with the positive people in my life who believe I do deserve good things, I was able to hear a better Everybody. That Everybody didn't tell me how bad I was for falling off the wagon. Didn't get disgusted with me for doing it twice. Didn't tell me "I knew you would do that."
No, this Everybody said, "It's ok. This is a lifelong journey. You'll have days like this. You can get back on. You can do this."
So, today, I had a great day. I'm in a different place mentally than I was on Tuesday and Wednesday. I still cheated today. I had a coffee at 5pm. I had a raging headache and for some reason, I thought a coffee was exactly what I needed. So I drank it.
Now, I feel back on track. I am done cheating. I have no doubt about my ability to stay on my eating plan tomorrow. I am not listening to the hateful Everybodies who want to see me fail. I'm listening to the people who love me and show me encouragement. The people who are kind and understanding. The people who would never want to make me feel like a problem. And I'm trying to carry them around with me as my new Everybody.
And you know what? It's working!
I've had a really rough couple of days, and if I had been writing consistently, it probably wouldn't have happened. Well. I can't say that for sure. But let me express what the last few days have been like.
I started on a downward trajectory sometime last week. I just didn't think I could hang on until Sunday for my cheat day. I think I've identified (and eliminated) one major multi-faceted trigger that pushed me over the edge. Sunday I was very disciplined and tried to do my cheat day right. I ate kind of what I wanted, within bounds, and yet, I went home that night feeling deprived.
I woke up Monday, and I just wasn't feeling like doing the work. I was tired of being tired. I've been getting interrupted sleep lately. So, Monday I'm sure I exercised but not like I usually do. I skipped my Kerry class too. I just didn't think I could do it.
I still followed my diet plan. Every day was getting gradually harder and harder to stay on my plan.
It was very much like sinking slowly.
I have a lot going on right now, and I was just drowning in it all. I'm going to be moving August 26th, but the paperwork isn't finalized, my current place isn't clean enough for prospective tenants to visit (and if no one takes the lease by Sept 1, I will have to pay rent there AND at the new place), I didn't have the energy to do my dishes or in general clean up after myself. My bills are mounting because I need to have a security deposit and first month's rent for this new place, and since my car broke down last month, that meant putting off any bills I could (car's still not fixed. Running on 5 cylinders until I can pay someone to unstick the spark plug, which could take $1500). I had this trip coming up for work that I anticipated being gone for a week, which would mean spending money I didn't have, and having to work THAT MUCH HARDER to stay on a plan I was barely clinging to in the first place, AND cramming the work I need to do for next week into this week, which is already overwhelming. To make matters worse, the trip logistics (how was I getting there, how was I paying for the hotel, when am I going/leaving) was causing me an enormous amount of stress.
Then finally it happened.
On Tuesday, I woke up and ate my breakfast that I look forward to every day. I had a relaxing morning and told myself, "Today it will all be fixed. I can do this." By three o'clock everything came crashing down. My brother's girlfriend had gone into labor early in the morning and I was dying of anticipation to hear the news. At three thirty, I could take no more. I had a raging headache (I never get those) which was directly related to trying to organize myself for the trip, and I just had to get out of the office for a break before class. So I did.
I went to Starbucks and ordered a Tall Mocha Coconut frappucino and a birthday cake pop. I ate the birthday cake pop WHILE WAITING FOR MY FRAPPUCINO. I drove back downtown, and on the way, finished my frappucino. So, I stopped at Dunkin Donuts and got an iced coffee with cream and sugar. AND FOUR DONUTS. I went back to the office, plunked back down at my desk and proceeded to eat most of the four donuts.
I have to say, I felt better.
Then I finished out my workday at 9pm and felt the urge to destroy again. So, I drove directly to McDonald's *gasp!* and got a Quarter Pounder with cheese, and a LARGE fry. I ate it at home. Then I had some more taco dip. Then I had some Oreos.
You see, my mission wasn't to eat to fulfill something. I was eating to destroy all progress I had made. I was self-destructing.
One of the interactions I had triggered powerfully negative thoughts that flooded my brain, and I didn't have the emotional immune system to fend them off. They sounded like this:
"You don't deserve this." Message: I don't deserve good things because of who I am.
"Betsy never finishes anything." Message: I am a quitter and a failure.
"You are spoiled." Message: I don't deserve the good things I do have, and I should feel guilty for having them because other people who are not me deserve them more.
"You are a brat." Message: I do not deserve to be loved or understood. I do not accept you
"This is _____'s day, not yours!" (yelled at me because I've been accused of stealing the show, stealing friends, when I was never intentionally doing any of that.) Message: I am selfish and people don't like me.
"You are a troublemaker." Message: You intentionally cause problems for other people because you are selfish.
"You cause problems." Message: You don't deserve to be treated fairly, and when you complain, it's nothing but you making life hard for other people.
"You are selfish." Message: And we don't like/accept you.
"Give her an inch and she'll take a mile." Message: I'm selfish and can't be trusted because I'm bad.
"Even so-and-so thinks you're a brat." Message: Nobody likes/accepts you.
"Don't you think that's long enough (to stay here for a visit)?" Message: You cause problems, are selfish, and we don't want you here. If you were not here, the problems would not be here.
I'm sure there was more, but there was a general theme running through my head that I was nothing but trouble. That I make bad decisions. That I don't work hard. That I am selfish. That I don't deserve good things because I am fundamentally bad and a pain in "everybody's" behind.
This is where I invoke Martha Beck's "Everybody" theory. We all walk around with an Everybody. For example on that day, I was thinking, "Everybody hates me and thinks I do nothing but cause problems." "Everybody" is the collection of messages that you've gathered from your childhood until present day that you repeat to yourself on a constant basis.
What's interesting though, is if I try to list 'EVERYBODY' who thinks "Betsy is a troublemaker", I will come up with maybe 5 names (of course, they all know me in the same context). No one else in my life thinks that. Therefore 'EVERYBODY' is not everybody at all, but a select group of people who think of me in the same way.
So, I decided (with Martha Beck's help, of course) to choose my Everybody. And I decided to choose the people who have said things like this to me:
"Betsy works hard at everything she does." Mrs. Joan Jannone (this was perhaps the most important thing anyone in my life has ever said to me. I absolutely let it become part of my identity.)
"Betsy, I wanted to work with you because I saw your drive in class." Amy
"It's no secret that you work very, very hard." Jason
"Betsy, I love you so much." AnnaLisa
"You are one of my favorite people and I kind of judge other people by how you feel about them." (not putting this person's name on here because I don't think she'd appreciate it!)
"Betsy, you are like, one of the most trustworthy people I know." Elise
"Even you, the most sunshiny and people-y person I know couldn't warm up that room." Emma
"Betsy, you always made it ok to be me." Karrie
Those are just off the top of my head. Not to mention the countless people who have supported me throughout this journey so far. People just offering words of encouragement and having faith in me. I needed to HEAR AND FEEL the messages that people were sending me that were based in love. Cause the Everybody that I was hauling around on Tuesday did not love me. In fact, that Everybody hated me and wanted to see me fail, because that Everybody did not believe that I deserved to be happy.
(Disclaimer: This is not to suggest that I don't have moments where I absolutely tell someone what I think of them, whether it is nice or not. I can be downright mean and exacting if the situation calls for it. What it is suggesting is that those people listed above KNOW I do that and love me anyway.)
So that worked for a night.
Then I had the same trigger happen again. And Wednesday night after work I went and got a Blizzard. And ate some Oreos.
You see, I wasn't trying to satisfy an itch or a craving. I was just trying to satisfy Everybody who said I don't deserve to have success in my life. I was actively trying to destroy the progress I've made so far, because Everybody knows I don't deserve it. Everybody knows I'm just a failure, and who am I kidding?
Somehow, through interactions with the positive people in my life who believe I do deserve good things, I was able to hear a better Everybody. That Everybody didn't tell me how bad I was for falling off the wagon. Didn't get disgusted with me for doing it twice. Didn't tell me "I knew you would do that."
No, this Everybody said, "It's ok. This is a lifelong journey. You'll have days like this. You can get back on. You can do this."
So, today, I had a great day. I'm in a different place mentally than I was on Tuesday and Wednesday. I still cheated today. I had a coffee at 5pm. I had a raging headache and for some reason, I thought a coffee was exactly what I needed. So I drank it.
Now, I feel back on track. I am done cheating. I have no doubt about my ability to stay on my eating plan tomorrow. I am not listening to the hateful Everybodies who want to see me fail. I'm listening to the people who love me and show me encouragement. The people who are kind and understanding. The people who would never want to make me feel like a problem. And I'm trying to carry them around with me as my new Everybody.
And you know what? It's working!
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