Friday, December 9, 2011

Week 29, Day 9. I'm getting my act together.

I just found out that I haven't blogged for almost a month. I guess I wasn't joking when I said, "Time passes, no matter what decision you make."
I can't believe it's been that long!
A lot of things have happened in that month that threw me off course.  But I'm learning that I chose to let them throw me off course.
I remember when I first started this plan, I had absolute determination. And I wasn't even losing much weight at first. I was just absolutely determined to not look the way I looked and feel the way I felt anymore.  Well, somewhere along the way, I let go of that, and I have every intention of getting it back.
I could list the things I haven't been doing, but it would be quicker to say that I just haven't followed the plan. I haven't been eating clean, I haven't been eating on time, I haven't been eating consistently. I haven't been working out every day, and I haven't been getting regular sleep.  Well I guess I couldn't stand to not say what I haven't been doing.

Today was interesting. I really just wanted to relax. I got very disturbed sleep Wednesday night, and I think it might have caught up with me today because I did not feel like doing anything. I don't even know why I didn't go to the gym. I lied to myself, thinking, "you won't have any time to work on the things you need to work on if you go to the gym."  However, I never actually did a stitch of work. Except for my shift at the Green Bowl, where it's questionable if you could call what I did there work.

Anyway, I couldn't focus today. I was tired. I wanted a break. I wanted to sleep forever.

I ate clean for breakfast, but I did have a cup of coffee with creamer. I'm going to have to throw that creamer out. It's the only way.

I'll have to write that down so I remember.

When I finally left my house, I went to the coffee shop and ordered another coffee (this was 3 hours later) and a wheat bagel with cream cheese. THIS IS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.

Then I gave up trying to do work. After all, all I was doing was watching youtube videos of songs I love and wishing I could sing them.  So I left and sang my little heart out until I went to Green Bowl for my shift.

But I was so painfully tired and wanting to do anything but work! I just wanted some of my own time back! It was such a hard shift for me to get through, but I really need any extra cash I can get my hands on so I really wish I could get my urges to cooperate with me. I need my body to WANT to work. As Martha Beck would say, my essential self. My social self is saying, "You need to work because you need the money, and it would be good if you didn't piss off your coworkers while you're at work, too." My essential self is saying, "I can't take it! Give me something! Can I listen to music? Dance? Sing? Give me sugar, then. Alcohol?"

Anyway, I lost the fight with my essential self. I ate a bowl with ruins of sauce, some noodles, lots of vegetables, and white rice. I also had diet soda afterward because I was so tired (because I ate the sugar).

Then I came home and are Cool Whip directly out of the container. That may have been a better option than my original plan, which was to go to Dunkin Donuts and get 2 donuts. That plan was foiled through no fault of my own. I went, and it did not appear that DD had any donuts, plus the girls in front of me were taking ENTIRELY too long, so I just left before I killed someone for a donut.

The really important thing that happened today was that I started to feel ashamed of the way I look again. I started trying to suck in my belly again, in hopes it would make me look skinnier.

I hate the way that feels.

I know I can do the work to make myself look GREAT and not feel like I have to suck in my belly or be ashamed of it.

First step: make a chart.
Which I did, for the next 6 days. It includes: Get to the gym before work. Eat clean. Eat at least 4 meals per day. Blog. Be in bed by 9:30 or 30 min after you get home if you are working a long day.

Second step: make little rewards for yourself for every day that you folie the plan. I don't know what they will be yet. But I'm thinking maybe buy myself something really little.

Third step: Think of a big reward for doing all six days. I'm thinking I might buy clothes. That would be pretty awesome.

Fourth Step: Throw out the creamer. It is the only way. *i just took a minute and dumped the creamer*

Fifth step: Hulk Shakes. I even have the ingredients. I'll have to make some tomorrow and lean on it.

Sixth step: Fill my fridge. There's something about the emptiness in my fridge right now that is making me feel deprived or something.

And how am I going to stay on track? Check in with Amy. I haven't been leaning on her as much lately because I obviously haven't been as focused.

Another thing...I can't stay up all night blogging.  Sleep is important!

So goodnight!

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