Week 16, Day 4. Did Something Different Today!

So, I've been criticized before for putting stuff that is too personal on the internet for all to see.

And I'm about to do it again.

But with better taste this time, I suppose.

I mentioned that I've been having a hard time emotionally lately, and that I learned that I respond to situations in ways that are codependent.  I'm finding that this is hugely relevant to my ultimate goal of seeing my belly muscles.

You see, when I got close to my goal, close to the possibility that it could actually happen, I took a nose dive off the program for a couple of days. Or, I let someone else's behavior determine whether I stayed on the program or whether I dove face first into  donuts.

Or, if I was feeling down, I would let that determine if I would honor my commitment to the gym that day.

In the past, I've called that "taking care of myself", and sometimes it might just be that.

However, in my reading today, I discovered that one codependent behavior is to let upsetting news (doesn't even have to involve you) throw you off your routine.

See, I went back to my therapist for the first time in a few months today. She's so awesome. And, as you do in therapy, I revealed a part of me that was hurting, and I cried. This is progress. It's taken a long time to cry in front of someone, because I'm afraid they will make fun of me. Even, my therapist.

So I did that today and it was good.  But after the appointment, I knew I wasn't done. I had opened the floodgates. So I went home and cried some more.

After I was done, I thought, a nap will be so good right now. And it's self-care, so it's ok if you skip your workout.

Only I knew it wasn't ok. I've list muscle mass, and I need to regain it, not to mention I'm coming down to my last ten pounds, I need all the lean muscle mass and body-shocking workouts I can handle.

A happy medium was to read one of my books on codependency. It was then that I realized I was letting something upsetting destroy my routine. And it's connection to not actually believing I deserve good things was immediately clear.

So, I did something different. I got up and went to the gym. I even took care of two errands I've been avoiding for more than two weeks.

I EVEN challenged myself to stay on the elliptical when I felt like giving up.
The result? One lifting session (tiny, but better than nothing) and 24 minutes of pops. I didn't think I could even do 5 minutes, but I hung in there. I hadn't eaten since 11am because all the crying just ruined my appetite. 

So I was actually feeling pretty weak and shaky. That's why I did the pops on the elliptical, not the treadmill. I could just see my knees buckling and me hitting the belt face first and getting a terrible rugburn. No, thank you.

So, I did it! I felt VERY accomplished and capable afterward.

Unfortunately, I did get overly hungry and had 5 Hershey's mini chocolate bars. And a diet pepsi, if I want to come totally clean.

But I ate my two meals of lean protein and vegetables, finished out my day strong, and I'm in bed on time, easy to crank out another good day tomorrow!

I'm looking to build on these behaviors, because now I feel like the only thing that will get in my way of seeing my belly muscles is my emotional health. So I'm getting healthy!

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