I wanted to have lots of time to write this blog because I noticed such interesting things about (my own) behavior today. But, I don't have much time, so I'll do what I can.
I just had a week off of work (from my full-time job) in which I spent some time driving and visiting with people. I also spent a whole lotta time outdoors. I've been craving it. I really wanted to stay overnight at the Nature Inn at Bald Eagle State Park, but I realized one nights stay would be two tanks of gas (two road trips), or two class cards at the yoga studio. Or half of a car payment. So I didn't. I kind of wish I had. Maybe I'll go back...OOH! A REWARD! Maybe a one-week-on-diet reward will be a one night stay there! Yes! I will ABSOLUTELY stay on my plan for that!
Ok. Anyway.
I really needed the break. I was working constantly and de-stressing with wine regularly. My whole plan was to not do anything too taxing, and for the most part I didn't...except I was exhausted by the end of most days. So I slept a lot.
One thing I have learned: When you get off-track with a diet and exercise regimen, if you rest long enough, you will eventually want to get back into it.
Apparently, one week was all I needed. I had a dream last night that I decided to train in a competition, so I was dreaming about doing really tough exercises, like throwing a 50 pound weight more than 20 yards. I seriously doubt I could do that.
When I woke up, I knew it was time to jump back on my plan while I was pumped for it.
Then I got called into my part-time job early. To put it mildly, I had a stressful day from that point until 5pm. I was exhausted from working a straight 13-hour day the day before, and I just wanted to get through that shift quickly. Without pain. Unfortunately for me, that was not the case. Things did not go smoothly. When I FINALLY got a chance to eat, someone had thrown away the bread I put out in preparation for my last egg sandwich for awhile. And we ran out of cheese (talk about making a girl mad!). I went into the back and threw a fit that was just ungainly for a 31-year-old. But it was just the kind of day where every time you get something half way completed, someone who is not communicating (and is too wrapped up in their own hangover to empathize with anyone else) does something that totally trashes what you've managed to accomplish in a thoughtless split second.
It was that kind of day.
And my hip, knee, ankle, and foot joints hurt.
So. When a friend texted to ask if I wanted to go see a movie (which also probably meant some much-needed cuddling after my rough day), I really had a dilemma on my hands.
If I went to the movie, I would DEFINITELY take the opportunity to have a glass of wine after work first. Then...how much asleep would I get? Is this a good idea?
And my brain began:
You had a hard day! You deserve self-care! Yes, I do! But I think I'm tricking myself. Does it count as self-care if I'm going to wake up exhausted and not prepared for work tomorrow? And if I'm not prepared for work tomorrow, am I going to be able to get up and go to the gym?
You have a point. But The Avengers! I heard it's really good! You have a perfect opportunity to kick back and relax. When are you going to find another time to relax and hang out?
I wish I had time to go through all the scenarios. But I basically could not decide/understand what I wanted, you see, because someone wanted me to do something, and I have this automatic people-pleasing trigger that goes off when something like this happens, and I tend to "want" to do whatever that person wants me to do. In essence, their wants superimpose on mine, and to me, it looks like that's what I want to do. Except there's this nagging doubt, "Is that really a good idea?"
Half the time, I get so frustrated with trying to figure out if I want to go or if I just want to people-please (which leads to resentment), I just do whatever the other person wants. I can't seem to follow through with telling other people NO. I have this raging fear that they will get mad at me, or they will never ask me again. Or...they will not like me anymore. Let's be honest. It's really that I do things because I think people like me based on those things. I think I can control whether or not people like me, based on if I do what they want me to do.
This is not true. This is codependency. This is putting other people's agendas ahead of my own. And it's fine in the right context, but this does not happen to be the right context.
After two hours, easily, I had practiced saying no enough that I thought I could do it. I had decided that while I really WANTED to go, I needed to make decisions that are supportive of my goals...which took a long time to articulate. I knew that going to see the movie would prevent me from starting off on the right foot tomorrow, but I hasn't thought about how different my next 24 hours would be if I did the hard thing and said No.
But I did.
And I'm really glad! I'm prepared to go back to work, I'm prepared to go back to the gym tomorrow, I'm prepared to eat clean...and most importantly, I'm more prepared to respond to situations that would throw me off-course. And the biggest thing I learned is to be able to take a time out. If I hadn't had so much time to work it out in my brain, I probably would have just gone. Consequences be damned. But hopefully I will get better at this! In the end, it feels good to put yourself first, even if it is terribly difficult to tell that person No.
And I know I have a thousand more difficult situations coming. Want a glass of wine? No, thanks. Piece of chocolate? Take part in our catered lunch! Come to our picnic! Come to the Waffle Shop with us! Would love to, really...
For the next several weeks, maybe even throughout the entire summer, I will be dedicating a lot of time and energy to my own self-care. In addition to plotting to see my belly muscles by my 32nd birthday (June 28, 2012), I am also delving into my creative side. Well, that's not even really encompassing it, though.
I'm working through my Martha Beck books (and more) to really discover more about myself. I'm taking the time to write, draw, and play the piano (15 minutes a day!). I'm not sure what's going to come of it, but so far, some really interesting dreams have popped up (while I'm sleeping-those kinds of dreams).
Anyway, at this point, my goal tomorrow is to drink 90oz of water, get to the gym by 7am, eat my meals every 3 hours, maybe go to Kerry's class at 5:30pm, and be in bed by 9pm. Oh, and blog.
If I succeed, I get some kind of reward. I think it should be...a half an hour of something I enjoy (that I must not allow myself if I do not complete the day), so I think it will be playing the piano!
Maybe Tuesday will be a trip to Michael's!
No comments:
Post a Comment