Week 2, Day 5. I made a series of good decisions today.

I'm having a hard time writing this, because Maybelle is rubbing her head up against my hands.  I'm either gonna have to get a roommate or another cat. She also started crying loudly anytime I leave now. It's so pathetic, I feel so bad for her.

So anyway.

I got up too late to write my morning pages today.  No surprise there, I went to bed too late. But today for breakfast, I had eggs and oatmeal. No banana. I'm still trying to undo those extra pounds I put on a couple of days ago so the oatmeal was enough. I also picked up a coffee because I was feeling groggy. I don't want to get in the habit of doing that  I feel so much better when I don't drink coffee. Although I love the way it...well, I love everything about coffee except when I get the jitters.

Anyway. I went to work and had a spectacularly productive day. I ate my meals on time...protein shake and apple with peanut butter, then green bowl, all veggies, chicken, sesame oil, no rice because I had so many veggies that covered my carb requirement.

Then, something happened. I started to feel anxious. I started to interpret everything I encountered as signs that "nobody likes you, everybody hates you" and all of a sudden I wanted chick-fil-a and pizza like nobody's business.

I started running through my head all the people who haven't called me or asked to me hang out. Writing it doesn't sound as ridiculous as it was in real life. Really, I am guilty of not initiating with friends. And actually there are a few close friends who always are willing to hang out. I was just looking to justify why I felt so bad.

And then I realized...it had nothing to do with anybody but myself.

I ate a Hershey Kiss. Just one.

I experience free-floating anxiety, which brings depression along for the ride. For no good reason, (well, it's usually triggered by stress) I will become insanely fearful and then have thoughts like, "Why am I even here?  Ah, it's too messy to end it."  Those are called suicidal thoughts, in case it want clear to you. We all have them. I just have them more often than is normal. 

But I've finally figured out how to short out that wiring in my brain.

I used to think that this made me deficient or that my life was all wrong and that's why I felt this way. Or that everybody really DOES hate me.

But now I've figured out that because of something beyond my control, I periodically have these episodes of intense sadness or uselessness. If I choose to believe that it's real and make choices that I feel like making (eat my weight in ice cream, drink til I pass out), the episode lasts longer. Maybe another day or two. Maybe a whole week. That can happen if there is any viable evidence that what I am feeling is grounded in reality.

But, it is NEVER grounded in reality.

The other choice I can make is to remember exactly that: this is not real. This is your brain shorting out again.

So, that's what I did today.

I remembered that I am loved by lots and lots of people. Not to mention, I like myself a whole lot too. And I knew if I wanted to switch the flip on these thoughts and feelings I had no choice but to get a workout in.

Fun fact: people with anxiety experience relief from anxiety when they work out. The harder the workout, the better the relief. That's why I sometimes push myself really hard. The relief is blissful. The sleep is AMAZING.

So, I went to the gym. Just 30 minutes on an elliptical. I probably would feel better right now if I had done more, but I did what I could do at the time.

Then I came home and had cod and asparagus (you wouldn't believe how delicious this can be...it just occurred to me that I didn't even put pepper on it).

But I still wanted something. Ok, let's be real. I wanted some wine. So, I guess I didn't take care of all my symptoms. But, I chose not to. And it was really hard.

The liquor store is closed now, so I can say that battle is over with confidence. It was the promise of staying at the Nature Inn that kept me from having the wine.

I did, however, buy almonds that I KNOW I shouldn't have because they are roasted and salted and I can't stop eating them (wow, writing this, I realize I really did not do enough at the gym...I will DEFINITELY work out harder tomorrow).  But I wanted SOMETHING. So I bought the roasted, salted almonds AND I bought raw almonds so that I could alternate and hopefully have better luck stopping. I was marginally successful. I won't be surprised if my weight is up tomorrow.

That's all for now.

I've got to remember to celebrate the little successes and build on them. But not drinking tonight was a big success.