Week 4, Day 4. I feel like utter shit. It might have been the ice cream I had for breakfast.

Full disclosure: I think my plan this week was to destroy any progress I have ever made.

Ok, here's the deal. I love my job. I love talking to people about abuse. I am an attention whore. These two things came together this week when I was getting a lot of attention for doing my job.

In fact, really good things happened this week, including that I was interviewed on camera as part of my job. It was just a blip on our local tv station, but still! That had never happened to me before!

Anyway, while this is really exciting and I like it, it's also nerve-wracking and stressful. I haven't been taking good care of myself. I haven't been sleeping, working out or eating well. I've also had a drink or two...which is really REALLY not part of my self-care...it robs me of sleep and makes me crave salt and fat together.

I don't know what to say, though.

I feel like shit. Physically and emotionally. While I had these accomplishments recently, I let me work me into the ground. I worked past the level of stress I could handle, and then I binged on food to alleviate the stress.

I WOKE UP stressed this morning. So I had ice cream as I headed out the door. What I really need is a lot of sleep. And I need to learn how to balance.

There are so many MANY things I want to learn about and DO!

Cleaning my apartment is not one of those things, just for clarification's sake.

I suppose I could just admit how I'm feeling right now. I ate the Lemon Grass chicken entrée from Cozy Thai at 6pm tonight. I overate. I still feel like shit because of it. Yet, I am drinking a beer because I'm stressed, but it's too dark and I'm still too full to go run. But I feel like I have the energy of a scared pack of zebras. I could probably run up and down my stairs to get done of this nervous energy out.

It's not just nervous energy though. I'm GRUMPY. I don't like the way my body feels. I'm irritated. I want a long shower.

I want to undo all the things I did the past three days.

If I could go back and change things...I'd start with Tuesday evening. I came home at 9:30pm, and I was SO STRESSED. I drank a couple of beers while I watched a movie to "unwind". These are examples of TWO BAD CHOICES. The movie was North Country and it was about the lifetime victimization of a woman by the people in her life. And beer? Beer is never a good choice.

I'm having one now.  Oops. Oh well.

Anyway. It would have taken some effort, but it would have been a better choice to sit at my table and write. Then gone to bed at a decent hour. Because between the beer and the movie, I was up until...late. That night set me off balance until now.

So, I'm taking some corrective measures. First, I'm writing my blog. Secondly, I'm only having one beer, even though I would love more, and I'm going to go to bed at a decent hour.

Mainly, though, I have got to find a way to make healthier choices when I'm stressed.

When I'm stressed, I tend to let go of things. I say to myself-"My self-discipline muscle is tired." Which grants me permission to do whatever I want. Like eat ice cream for breakfast.

Well. I don't know what tomorrow is going to look like, other than I will work 9-5. I've got to take this one step at a time. The first step is getting some sleep.

Although I have a confession to make before I finish this blog. I hate myself right now. I feel full and disgusting, like I'm never going to be hungry again. I'm disappointed in myself. I feel like I could rip off all of my skin and scream out of frustration.

IT'S GOING TO TAKE SO MUCH WORK JUST TO GET BACK TO WHERE I WAS!!! WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF!!! WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN TO AMY AND MAKE GOOD CHOICES IN DIFFICULT MOMENTS!!! I DON'T WANT TO KEEP GAINING WEIGHT LIKE I'M PREGNANT!!!

I could cry out of frustration.

I'm back to the place that I remembered why I started this in the first place. I COULD. NOT. STAND. my body anymore. Or, rather, how I felt in it.

I'm back there.

Well, wait. I just remembered that the body responds to consistency. If I can commit to two weeks of staying on a clean eating plan NO MATTER WHAT, then I can assume I will feel better about myself in two short weeks.

And the weeks ARE short. I so easily forget that time passes, and it passes so quickly. I just have to make choices that will move me toward my goal, consistently. In the face of high stress, I've just got to make a choice that is in line with my goals.

Alright. First. Rest. Second. Exercise. Third. Eat clean. Consistently.