I have been struggling. I have been struggling with finding a reason to work so hard to get down to 120lbs. I couldn't remember WHY I enter that so desperately. I had small moments of clarity and I would remember how awesome I felt when I would make out through an entire week of eating right and exercising when I was supposed to...for the most part. It felt so awesome to look back at a string of successes. The weight loss, if it happened, was not HALF as satisfying as collecting a pile of gold stars for setting a goal and achieving it.
Lately I have had a HUNDRED reasons to make excuses to do what I feel like. Which means: lay in bed, watch Dexter, eat whatever I want and drink alcohol (as a responsible adult, of course). For example, I have plenty of attention from men these days...which was something I really wasn't getting before. I felt pretty invisible. I also am experiencing some kind of crazy allergic reaction that has been so bad I have had an unstoppable runny nose and lingering, mild nausea for at least a week. I even took a pregnancy test. I did not feel good. I still have those symptoms, but I know I a just using then as an excuse to avoid eating well and working out.
Pregnancy test was negative, by the way. Of course it was. I don't even know why I took it, other than they are fun. It would not have been so fun if, for example, my period was late, or I had some other actual symptom of pregnancy. Because, believe it or not, nausea BEFORE your period is late IS NOT an indicator of a pregnancy. I can't be the only 31-year-old female who takes pregnancy tests for fun. So I figured I'd put it out there. He he he.
Anyway, some recent events have catapulted me back to the place where I remember why I am willing to eat well and work out regularly to get down to 120lbs.
I WANT TO SEE MY BELLY MUSCLES!
I WANT TO WEAR A BIKINI AND FEEL DAMN GOOD IN IT!
So what happened?
SPRING. Spring happened. And it didn't just happen to me. When I got to the gym tonight, that parking lot was full.
Another thing happened though. I had a good talk with my roommate, and somehow that lifted something off of me. The following day, I felt like I could just pay attention to myself again. I'm sure that my habit of attending to other people in my space, as opposed to making space for myself, was what made me stray from my goals. But after talking to my roommate, I just really felt a thousand times better and able to refocus on myself.
Those two things were enough.
Kind of.
I had BIG PLANS yesterday of getting up at 5am and hitting the gym.
Unfortunately, I didn't wake up bouncing out of bed. I can back up even farther and tell you that I didn't even set my alarm for 5am because I had no real intention of getting up that early. You see, I didn't go to bed until 10am. And, for some reason I have been low energy and tired lately.
Now, if I learned anything from Amy about health and fitness, I would venture a pretty confident guess that my high fat, high sugar diet, coupled with very little exercise is PROBABLY why I am so tired. I'd prefer to blame it on an allergic reaction or take another pregnancy test but...well...that would just waste all of our time, now wouldn't it?
So, that's the third additional, and unnecessary catalyst that helped kick me back on my plan. I want the feeling I had when I was taking good care of myself.
What I know I need to do is:
1. Have a regular bedtime of 9:00-9:30.
2. Plan my day and my meals.
3. BLOG DAILY. I CANNOT OVERSTATE HOW CRITICAL THIS IS.
4. Work out daily.
5. Visualize twice a day. Once upon waking, and right before I go to bed.
6. Set daily, weekly, monthly, and long term goals. Put them in a place where I can see them. Check them off, revise them. Keep them in my daily routine.
7. Go back to weekly photo shoots. This is a must.
Now I'm ready to wrap up. I weighed in today at 132 and change. I ate lots of salty food at Green Bowl yesterday and Saturday. I even ate two butternut donuts from Dunkin. And I gave Maybelle a couple of chunks. Who knew cats would eat that?
Today, I ate a very nice breakfast: d egg whites, 1 yolk. 1/3 cup oatmeal. But I didn't have room for the banana. So I took the banana, some fish, some hamburger, and ezekiel bread to work.
I didn't follow my plan. At 11 I ate my banana and then wondered what kind of yummy food I would have for lunch. To be honest, I was feeling a little nauseous again. That, however, does not excuse the fact that I devoured an entire Five Guys meal. Every last french fry. Then I had some Keebler cookies. I didn't even count. Yes, I would be lying if I said that had ANYTHING to do with nausea.
Of course, for the rest of the day, I felt like shit. Seriously, I wanted to sleep on my desk.
Oh! And I accidentally left my soda at Five Guys, so do you think I took that as a lucky break to not be tempted to drink the Sweat of Satan? No.
I asked my lovely office mate, who was headed to the soda machine, to please get me a Mountain Dew. Unfortunately, we were out of Mountain Dew. So she got me a Diet Pepsi. And I drank every last drop.
By the time 5pm rolled around, I thought, "Hmmm. You've got to stop this. You will turn this while thing around if you just go to Kerry's class tonight. You'll be surrounded by all those women, and you will feel like you could do ANYTHING."
Then my brain kicked in and said, "But I'm TIRED. Oh, I just can't IMAGINE getting through a whole class, I'm just so TIRED."
Lucky for me, my brain had already lost the battle. I knew I wasn't really tired, I just hadn't tapped into my energy.
So I went. And let me tell you, I will NEVER eat Five Guys on a day when I am going to work out. That sat on my belly like a brick. Ugh it was AWFUL to try and do all that jumping!
But at the end of the class, I was SO HAPPY I made it all the way through! I had serious doubts that I would because of the way the Five Guys was making me feel.
And, I'm such a teacher's pet. I am SO RESPONSIVE to the instructor paying attention to me. I will work so hard to get attention! And Kerry paid attention to me so...well I think it was pretty amazing what I was able to do while experiencing that much pain.
So. Here's to a good day tomorrow. I'm getting up and going to the gym before work, and probably showering there and making my breakfast at work.
I will have to work really hard to eat regular meals and drink my 90 ounces of water, but I am also confident that I will succeed.
I'm not sure where my picture will end up, but it's my visualization piece for tonight.
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