Week One Complete!!!

I had a pretty full weekend. I am happy to say that it's 7:03pm, and despite working two shifts at Green Bowl this weekend, I managed to do my laundry (although I have an entirely NEW basket full of dirty clothes already), prep ALL of my food for at LEAST the next two days...most of my food is prepped for the week. My dishes are DONE DONE DONE, I'm showered, my workouts are written out for the week, and my gym bag is packed with work clothes for tomorrow. Phew!  I haven't been able to relax like this on a Sunday night in a long time!

I had my cheat meal today, and I didn't go berserk. I ate at Waffle Shop after having 5 egg whites at home and FINALLY spending 30 minutes meditating outside. 

That's my cheat meal:cheese omelette, pancakes, and home fries. I didn't eat all the potatoes, though. I should have eaten more throughout the day, but I didn't. Now, as I settle in for this movie with NOTHING ELSE to worry about, and nobody but my cat to interrupt, I'm going to have some chocolate dessert and potato chips. I know, I know. I shouldn't have the chips at all, and I should have had the dessert earlier. Shoulda would coulda. I'm going into this week with the goal of absolutely mastering my diet this week, and I want to start it off with a feeling of abundance, not deprivation. This is where I am this week. That reminds me...I should rewrite my affirmations before I watch this movie. Ok. Just ONE last thing before I relax. 

Day 6-Saturday!

This week has been interesting. I found it difficult to eat clean throughout the week but made a real attempt this week to Work My Plan. There were plenty of times I didn't want my pre-planned meals. Most of the time, I just ate them. Sometimes, I didn't though. 

I've come to the place where I can see that it's not my ABILITY that is holding me back, it's the willingness to pay the price. Am I WILLING to say no when I'm having a sugar/salty craving, and those ever-present cookies, cake, chips are Right There. 

I remember now: giving in to that craving makes me feel regretful (is that a word?). I ALREADY KNOW HOW THAT STORY ENDS. I've done it several times over the course of my life. 

So, this time around, I want to keep a new story in the front of my brain: I choose. The food will ALWAYS be there. My opportunity to start over will always be there, too, but I don't want to do that again. 

I'm definitely feeling like something is shifting internally. I'm taking risks in other areas of my life as well. Just getting out of my comfort zone. I mean, I've been feeling stuck for quite a long time now, in quite a few ways. 

Anyway. I'm willing now to push a little harder, stop coddling myself. I frequently find myself giving up or giving in and then wondering, "What's wrong with me?" In a workout class it's *thought bubble: these other people must work out more than I do, must be stronger than me/I must have an iron deficiency, there must be a reason I can't do this, I am dehydrated. And my PERSONAL FAVORITE: I bet I'm dying of a terminal disease, and when they (? I don't know who they is) realize it, they will think it's so incredible that I was able to work out like this*. It's crazy when i think about it, that i want an excuse, a way out so bad that I consider the possibility that my health is failing when it's probably at its peak?  That's really my belief system working against me. 

When it's about diet, I sometimes look at other people and think: *she must not be as hungry, in as much discomfort as I am in avoiding this food. HOW do they choose to eat that even when on vacation/eating out? This must be easier for them. Or, the infamous: I'll just do more cardio*. Hahaha. 

The truth is, the sooner I really deeply believe that EVERYONE struggles or has struggled with this AT THE SAME LEVEL that I am at or have been at, the sooner I can deeply believe that it is possible for me to achieve this goal.  For too long I've had a deep conviction that something is fundamentally wrong with me...but the only thing that's wrong with me is that I believe that story. 

I started doing lighter weights, but higher reps bc a former trainer at the gym told me that sometimes I sacrifice form for weight. So, yesterday was legs. Today was hell. Haha just kidding, not really hell. But kind of. It's kind of hell when you are waiting tables and you can either move accurately (not even gracefully, just generally avoid running into walls, people, and corners) or quickly (and fail to avoid aforementioned obstacles). 

So first, I had hot yoga, at 8:30am, and I was so proud of myself for getting there! It was a new morning routine for me because I didn't know EXACTLY where it was, and I needed to bring my own mat. I had at least ten solid excuses for skipping it. But I didn't. And then we got started and my legs were SCREAMING. There was also some cramping in my glutes from my trigger points bc I've been neglecting to work them out. Anyway, I really felt like, "Man! Am I EVER going to get to the level of fitness that I can just DO THIS CLASS?"  Today it felt like this journey has been long and not as fruitful as I had hoped. But, one thing I do know is: Do not skip Saturday yoga. It will ONLY make returning that much harder. I suppose I might have to miss it for Sarà's birthday party, but I bet I can squeeze it in and then leave town. 

Anyway. So after hot yoga, inevitably, I feel super tired. Every week, I know if I do hot yoga, I better make room for extra sleep or a nap if I'm working at Green Bowl. Today, I went from hot yoga straight to waiting tables. The thing is, I also know that if my legs are sore to the point that moving quickly is difficult (you MUST move quickly when waiting tables), I will be EXHAUSTED before the shift is over. I mean painfully tired, over-extended, lose my filter, might-cry-or-have-a-meltdown-if-someone-makes-my-life-hard tired. I do not want to be in that place. Ever. The only good thing about it is that I sleep like the dead afterward. But I already did that once this week-Wednesday-and I was still tired ALL DAY Thursday, even though I took a nap and it was the fourth of July. See how I could concoct a rationale that I have some disease?  I have to wonder: does anyone else ever feel like this?!? The answer is Yes, Betsy. They just accept it better than you do. 

I suppose that's true. I don't accept it. I don't think it's smart to live life in that state too often. 

Anyway, I wish I had time to revise and edit this, because the bottom line that I keep choosing to come to-every day-is that if I want to achieve this goal, I've got to be willing to stop giving myself the same outs, the same stories, the same sabotages.  One of my affirmations reads: be willing to stop being a caterpillar. It's from a quote: A little girl asked, "What does it take to be a butterfly?" Someone answered, "You must want to fly so much that you're willing to give up being a caterpillar."

So I've let that quote help me notice my caterpillar ways: the things I repeat in my brain when faced with a difficult choice. 

That's all for now. 

Day 5

I ate clean today even though the office folks ordered pizza and had very yummy looking cookies. I just decided its time to get serious about all this. If I want results, I have GOT to Work. My. Plan.  

I had 5 meals total, which may explain why I'm so hungry. 

Anyway. I had plans on doing my laundry and cooking all my chicken tonight before bed but all I could manage was the laundry. And I fell asleep on the couch before that even finished. So goodnight!

Day Four!

Today was the Fourth of July and I was trying to figure out how to balance my plan-or follow my plan-without feeling like a weirdo at BBQs or feeling deprived. 

I read a great motivational blurb today that really said: choosing to follow your plan should not feel victimizing. It should feel like YOU are in control, and YOU are making choices. Because ultimately, this is YOUR GOAL. 

I was trying to decide between following my plan P-E-R-F-E-C-T-L-Y or indulging a little bit to feel like I'm folding this into a lifestyle. As it turned out, I slept late, ate late, got to the gym late, and was STILL wiped out, so I took a nap...and my whole day was "off". But I didn't let that drag me down into a free for all. I had sensible food...and a few less-than-sensible items. 

I did go to Wegmans after the BBQ and thought about indulging some more. But then I remembered that the reason I fall short of my goal is because of moments like this. 

So instead, I got what I needed and came home. I promptly took a shot of apple cider vinegar to cleanse the sugar out of my system, and got right back into my routine. So now it's 11:23pm and I'm late to bed. Thank god tomorrow is Friday. I'm learning I get up later and later as the week goes on. Need to find a way to remedy that. 

Day 3

I had a good day today!  I'm not sure that meals 4 and 5 counted as following my plan because I ate at Green Bowl. What a LONG day tho. 

Anyway, each time, I just had chicken, spinach, onion, and green peppers or carrots with sesame oil and 1/2 cup brown rice. I mean most of it qualifies as clean. I'm not sure about the sesame oil, but the bottom line is that it's not PERFECT.  perfect would have been eating what I eat EVERY DAY. It was just hard to decide to eat less tasty food when I could convince myself that the food I was about to eat was *just as clean*. It wasn't, lets be real. 

Anyway, I had quite the boost at the gym today. Some guy said he noticed my dedication...and basically said I should be seeing more changes. But I explained how its been so hard to stay on my diet-hard to even START because every time I think about staying on a clean eating plan for four months all I can think is, "Cake!"  But all in all, it was an encouraging discussion. What I got out of it is there's no reason to hold back or sabotage. 

So I'm ready to go for it. Commit to my diet and get mentally prepared for the road that lies ahead. :)

Day 2

Had a great day!  I got up, a little late, but well-rested. I did my usual routine and headed to the gym. I'm not sure what made me so late other than having to put my gym bag together. Luckily I did my food the night before, but I didn't make it to the gym until almost 8am. 

Anyway, I had a great day of eating on time, UNTIL I started the 6:00pm class I teach and found that they had brought me cake and a balloon for my birthday!

Long story short, my last meal was a few apple slices with peanut butter and a piece of cake. Not perfect, but I guess I'm trying to make this a lifestyle too...so I had the cake. Is that people pleasing? Or did I not want to feel deprived? I don't know. At any rate, I seriously considered coming home and eating some of the strawberry shortcake I have in the fridge, but I didn't. It wasn't even hard. I still don't know if I made "the best" decision-I mean, I would theoretically be closer to my goal right now if I had chosen not to have cake. However, choosing not to have cake could have also made me feel resentful, angry, and deprived, and maybe I would have come home and polished off the remaining cake. 

I also know that these situations crop up ALL THE TIME where food is presented to you and you feel like you should partake...you may even be shamed/pressured into it, and I will remember that I can say no to food that's not on my plan because I'm saying YES to something bigger than a piece of cake. 

Day one down!

I'm fifteen minutes behind schedule so ill make this fast. I had a great day today! It didn't start off great because I didn't have my stuff ready. This morning was a hassle to get out the door. 

But, I made it out the door, and once my pre-workout kicked in, I was doing great!

I ate on time all day and incorporated a snack that makes me SO happy: cottage cheese and strawberries. I didn't know I could do that!

It's my midday meal, so it breaks up the monotony of the chicken. 

But what I've found most helpful is that IT IS really the messages that you tell yourself that make all the difference. I can't BELIEVE I've waited this long to have the guts to commit to a program. But I suppose if you don't identify what's holding you back...well, you can't fix it. 

I've identified it. 

So I'm reminding myself every day they I CAN do this and I AM doing it. 

I'm also remembering to behave like I already have a low body fat % and can wear a bikini with pride. That helps. 

Good night.