I've come to the place where I can see that it's not my ABILITY that is holding me back, it's the willingness to pay the price. Am I WILLING to say no when I'm having a sugar/salty craving, and those ever-present cookies, cake, chips are Right There.
I remember now: giving in to that craving makes me feel regretful (is that a word?). I ALREADY KNOW HOW THAT STORY ENDS. I've done it several times over the course of my life.
So, this time around, I want to keep a new story in the front of my brain: I choose. The food will ALWAYS be there. My opportunity to start over will always be there, too, but I don't want to do that again.
I'm definitely feeling like something is shifting internally. I'm taking risks in other areas of my life as well. Just getting out of my comfort zone. I mean, I've been feeling stuck for quite a long time now, in quite a few ways.
Anyway. I'm willing now to push a little harder, stop coddling myself. I frequently find myself giving up or giving in and then wondering, "What's wrong with me?" In a workout class it's *thought bubble: these other people must work out more than I do, must be stronger than me/I must have an iron deficiency, there must be a reason I can't do this, I am dehydrated. And my PERSONAL FAVORITE: I bet I'm dying of a terminal disease, and when they (? I don't know who they is) realize it, they will think it's so incredible that I was able to work out like this*. It's crazy when i think about it, that i want an excuse, a way out so bad that I consider the possibility that my health is failing when it's probably at its peak? That's really my belief system working against me.
When it's about diet, I sometimes look at other people and think: *she must not be as hungry, in as much discomfort as I am in avoiding this food. HOW do they choose to eat that even when on vacation/eating out? This must be easier for them. Or, the infamous: I'll just do more cardio*. Hahaha.
The truth is, the sooner I really deeply believe that EVERYONE struggles or has struggled with this AT THE SAME LEVEL that I am at or have been at, the sooner I can deeply believe that it is possible for me to achieve this goal. For too long I've had a deep conviction that something is fundamentally wrong with me...but the only thing that's wrong with me is that I believe that story.
I started doing lighter weights, but higher reps bc a former trainer at the gym told me that sometimes I sacrifice form for weight. So, yesterday was legs. Today was hell. Haha just kidding, not really hell. But kind of. It's kind of hell when you are waiting tables and you can either move accurately (not even gracefully, just generally avoid running into walls, people, and corners) or quickly (and fail to avoid aforementioned obstacles).
So first, I had hot yoga, at 8:30am, and I was so proud of myself for getting there! It was a new morning routine for me because I didn't know EXACTLY where it was, and I needed to bring my own mat. I had at least ten solid excuses for skipping it. But I didn't. And then we got started and my legs were SCREAMING. There was also some cramping in my glutes from my trigger points bc I've been neglecting to work them out. Anyway, I really felt like, "Man! Am I EVER going to get to the level of fitness that I can just DO THIS CLASS?" Today it felt like this journey has been long and not as fruitful as I had hoped. But, one thing I do know is: Do not skip Saturday yoga. It will ONLY make returning that much harder. I suppose I might have to miss it for Sarà's birthday party, but I bet I can squeeze it in and then leave town.
Anyway. So after hot yoga, inevitably, I feel super tired. Every week, I know if I do hot yoga, I better make room for extra sleep or a nap if I'm working at Green Bowl. Today, I went from hot yoga straight to waiting tables. The thing is, I also know that if my legs are sore to the point that moving quickly is difficult (you MUST move quickly when waiting tables), I will be EXHAUSTED before the shift is over. I mean painfully tired, over-extended, lose my filter, might-cry-or-have-a-meltdown-if-someone-makes-my-life-hard tired. I do not want to be in that place. Ever. The only good thing about it is that I sleep like the dead afterward. But I already did that once this week-Wednesday-and I was still tired ALL DAY Thursday, even though I took a nap and it was the fourth of July. See how I could concoct a rationale that I have some disease? I have to wonder: does anyone else ever feel like this?!? The answer is Yes, Betsy. They just accept it better than you do.
I suppose that's true. I don't accept it. I don't think it's smart to live life in that state too often.
Anyway, I wish I had time to revise and edit this, because the bottom line that I keep choosing to come to-every day-is that if I want to achieve this goal, I've got to be willing to stop giving myself the same outs, the same stories, the same sabotages. One of my affirmations reads: be willing to stop being a caterpillar. It's from a quote: A little girl asked, "What does it take to be a butterfly?" Someone answered, "You must want to fly so much that you're willing to give up being a caterpillar."
So I've let that quote help me notice my caterpillar ways: the things I repeat in my brain when faced with a difficult choice.
That's all for now.
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