So I stopped at Barnes and Noble, because it was calling my name. I picked up several books until I landed on one that caught my interest, and I pored over it until I felt better. Then, I went on with my day.
Today, I noticed that same need for space. I just wanted to be invisible. I wanted people to FORGET MY NAME. Just at work, though, I realize now. This did not extend to saying hi to friends or even having a meeting about personal development this morning.
So tonight, I rewarded myself with lots of alone time.
It occurred to me today that in the past, I would have EATEN when I felt those moods. It didn't even occur to me to EAT in order to feel better. I guess that's just part of the deal, though. Feed your body predictably, and you're able to nurture yourself instead if medicate with food.
I had a double workout day today! I had a rough time fitting all if my lifting in because of my 8am meeting...I really need to rethink what I sign up for. That was not realistic from the start. Anyway, I did get my lifting done, I DID eat consistently today, and I did my best in Amy's class, although I was making quite a few excuses for myself during it: Oh I'm tired! Oh, I'm emotionally depleted! Oh I CAN'T! And, I noticed that those thoughts really made me underperform.
At one point we were doing push-ups and I finally felt really strong because, on my knees, I can lower all the way to the floor, and I remember cranking out push-ups like it was nothing...but it was definitely all in what I was telling myself.
I was also really bagging on myself-the way I look, especially my stomach. I carry so much fat around my middle, it's almost comical. I have these muscly shoulders and arms, skinny legs, for the most part, and then this belly that makes me look 5 months pregnant. I couldn't stop staring and wondering, "Why? Why haven't I lost this weight yet? This is embarrassing. I look terrible. Other people have to look at me. I should have worn something so they don't have to see my belly fat move."
I do not normally feel this way or talk to myself this way. I'm not sure what's going on there. Instead of focusing on how much my body has adjusted, just from the first week of Amy's class, forget about lifting, just the improvements in this class--no I was focusing on the area I feel most vulnerable about, and labeling myself a failure because of it.
So, by the end of class, I decided to appreciate what changes I could notice. I noticed that I can actually touch my back knee to the ground on a lunge. My balance is improving. I'm figuring out the dance moves. I can tolerate a lot more burning in my muscle than I used to. All these things represent growth and change, and I need to remember to celebrate, not cut myself down.
I also noticed the "you won't lose anymore fat" fear creep in tonight.
I know that is wrong.
My diet is awesome, and I'm shocking my body on a regular basis. The inches will come off, slowly but surely. And meanwhile I am building healthy habits I have always wanted to maintain, but wasn't sure I ever could.
Plus, I have awesome, encouraging people in my corner. :)
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