Week 1, Day 6

I'm absolutely beat, so I'm not going to say much except that I remembered some key mental things that will help me stay on track. Mainly, that experiencing failure is not the same as BEING a failure. I think I've been taking that on as an identity for a long time. One behavior change that I came up with out of this realization is that in stead of calling it "going off plan" when I want to cheat otherwise do things that take me further away from my goal... I decided that instead I will call it "reverting" so that I remember exactly what it means. This is not an on-plan, off-plan operation. This is my new life. And I choose it. 

Week 1 Day 4 I killed my diet plan today

I had a great day today. I got my body fat tested and I gained WAY LESS than I anticipated!  I thought for sure I was back at square one. But I only gained 1.2%!  This was super exciting because it's just a relief! Like, wow, I didn't completely throw away all that work!!!

Then I went on to have a pretty solid shoulder workout, and I had time, so I threw in some cardio too! Just 15 minutes of intervals on the cybex machine. 

One thing I noticed today is that following my realization that what makes this my last "starting over" phase are the small, permanent identity changes I will be making. One of them is that I am a "healthy eater". That means it's not a spectacle or anything out of the ordinary for me to eat plain chicken and vegetables. I shouldn't draw attention to it or explain why I'm doing it because it's so boring, typical, routine. It GETS attention because it's different. But I've learned that I need to STOP explaining my meals to anyone who notices/asks.  It's not as if anyone gets all curious and inquisitive when someone gets pizza for lunch. It's just what they do. Eating this way is just what I do. 

Anyway, I totally NAILED my diet today. I ate everything I was supposed to eat, no extras, no fibbing, and I MEASURED MORE!  Today I measured my salad dressing. Just one tablespoon every time. I'm still getting my treats, but I'm really enjoying my progress on my meals. 

Week 1 Day 3

I'm so proud of myself today!!!  I am remembering key pieces of the "how-to" parts of this, like: build small successes so you see yourself as a success, not a failure. 

My proudest accomplishment today was NOT HAVING ANY WINE. I was at a friend's house finishing up a stressful task, and drinking wine is what I USED TO DO when I went to her house. I wasn't really sure how I was going to manage to AVOID IT. It was a perfect storm- after work, I'm tired, this task drives me batty...

But then I remembered that I am getting my body fat tested tomorrow at 8am and NO WAY was I going to put alcohol in my system for that. Which reminds me...I wonder how to take a picture of that for my blog...I'll think about it. 

Diet was pretty good today. 

6:00am coffee and egg whites

8:30am, eggs and oats

9am decaf coffee

10:45am <1 cup cottage cheese

12:30pm green bowl-chicken, vegetables, sesame oil, 1/2 cup white rice. (I made improvements here-no noodles, no sugary sauces, and half the oil I used yesterday)

2:00pm string cheese 12oz diet pepsi

4:00pm chicken 6oz? Cup of greens, salad dressing, chick peas, jello lemon meringue (80 calories)

9pm skinny cow ice cream sandwich

My goal right now isn't to have a PERFECT diet, it's to make this a slower change, one that doesn't FEEL like much of a change. I am pretty happy with what I did today, except the Diet Pepsi. 

My leg workout was awesome and now I'm in bed at a reasonable hour. Sleep will be awesome. 

Week 1 Day 2.

Did great today. 

Breakfast was eggs and oats

11am-cottage cheese

12:30pm- chicken, salad, salad dressing, sweet potato, butter, jello lemon meringue

5:30pm- green bowl-chicken, veggies, with rice noodles, sesame oil, oyster sauce, teriyaki, white rice, and some salty broth. 

I know that's not perfect, and it's not intended to be. I'm just in the process of building little successes. And today, I wanted a fried chicken sandwich like you would not believe. 

I realized I'd have to OWN eating it and changed my mind. 

And then I remembered what it felt like to overcome something like that. But now I'm super tired. Onward to tomorrow. 

Week 1 Day 2

Yesterday started out GREAT. I got up, had my stuff ready for the day, packed my meals and headed to the gym. I felt great. 

But then I went and did a training for three hours. I didn't eat when I should have because I left my food in the car. 

Then they served lunch. I had to make a decision to eat my food or to try to choose wisely from what they had. 

They really didn't have ANYTHING that fit my plan. They also did not have a microwave last time, and gave me a hard time about eating my own good, saying they could have prepared something for me. 

For the record, I don't care for people to TRY and prepare something unless they truly understand what I'm trying to do and WHY I'm eating the way I am. Usually people prepare something that doesn't fit my plan and then I feel ungrateful for not being thrilled about it. 

Anyway, I had a turkey sandwich on a pretzel roll with cheese and some chicken noodle soup. I did choose AGAINST the chips, pasta salad, ciabatta Italian sandwich. I ate slowly and paid attention to when I didn't want anymore. I still had an after-meal slump. 

It's EASIER to just eat clean than to try and wade through choices. 

Then I went back to work and was in a meeting from 1:30 to 4:00. Skipped a meal again. At 4, I had my chicken and salad (with a little bit of dressing). And my treat-a lemon meringue jello dessert thing. It's total crap, but I'm allowing myself a few treats this first few weeks to ease into the habit of eating clean. I was still hungry. I skipped my carbs bc of the pretzel roll I are earlier. 

I went home, ate an ice cream sandwich-skinny cow. 

I HATE having to document this, but it is helpful. I then started working on this goal I have. It's stressful to work on it because it's DIFFICULT. But I did get started. Many times I found myself wanting relief from the stress in the form of a beer. But I turned my attention BACK to the project until 9:30 or so. So I worked from 5:30 to 9:30 and I should be proud of that!

However, I also need to change this habit. At 9:30, I was stressed, tapped out, overwhelmed. I gave in to the notion that I DESERVED a beer. I worked hard! I earned it! This is not helping me reach my goals. I also told myself I deserved to watch Game of Thrones. 

The only beer in my fridge was my roommate's Mad Elf, and that stuff is POTENT. Of course I drank one, and of course I didn't stop at one. I had two. And then I ate three string cheeses and the rest of the crackers I had, which wasn't much, maybe 8 crackers. Then I ate my roommate's potato chips and dip. I can't believe I have to admit that. But, it's time to get honest about what I'm eating and why. My non-negotiable goals this week are to DOCUMENT what I eat and honor my bedtime. Last night, I was up til midnight or later. Onward. Today's a new day. 

Week 5 Day 2

I have been off my plan since Friday. I was exhausted and decided to have a beer. It was all downhill from there. I didn't get enough rest all weekend and came down with something on Sunday. 

But. Starting tonight, I'm back on my affirmations, and I'm ready to eat clean again.  

Week 4 Day 3

What a successful day! I did get a slow slow start to the gym this morning, because I turned my phone off and forgot to turn it back on. Oops!  Woke up at 7am, naturally. That was really pleasant. 

Anyway, this morning at the gym, this guy just walked right up to me, told me he noticed me, said he thought I was pretty cute and wanted to get to know me better! It totally made my day...first, I told him that it was really brave to approach me, and next, I told him I was probably ten years older than him. Turns out, that's true, but he was undeterred. Fine by me! Anyway, after that, I thought, "I should just go back to bed, I don't think anything else that fun is going to happen today."

But I kind of finished my workout, picked up a few groceries and got on my way. 

I knew I had planned to do a second workout of cardio today, but 5:00 hit, and I had so many excuses not to. Like, it doesn't matter, I'm tired, I ate too late, I don't feel like it. You know. But I remembered, in an accidental kind of way that one of my affirmations is, "I follow though". I call it accidental because...since I repeat them morning and night, they become part of my inner dialogue. So, instead of ONLY hearing the voices that would have me go home, I also heard a voice that expected me to follow through. 

So I went back to the gym. But I so didn't feel like it. First, I finished my biceps workout. Unfortunately, this morning my headphones quit on me, so while I was doing my bicep curls, I heard these two guys, one was huge in a roidy kind of way...that might be rude to say about people, but I don't know what else to call it. They walk around like they have a metal rod in the shape of an arrow (pointing up) supporting their spine and arms. KWIM?  Anyway, I almost laughed out loud because they were both doing this RIDICULOUS testosteroney verbal posturing about how awesome they thought themselves were, while simultaneously cutting each other down. Maybe this is just what guys do, but I totally wanted to interject, "No MY dick is bigger than yours!"  Ah, but I didn't. 

After arms, I thought quite seriously about that being enough. But I really wanted to make this week work for me. So I agreed to do just a little cardio. Long story short, twenty minutes later, I had convinced myself to do JUST ONE round of this tough tough cardio routine. Once that was complete, I convinced myself to do two more, which completed the workout I had planned to do. Could hardly believe it. I just kept repeating the things that I learned from my vulnerable yoga class: I have a strong mental game. I can. Where I am right now is ok. 

Good night!