Week 29, Day 6. I have no idea why I said yesterday was day 9.

I am happy to report that I ate clean all day today!

Here's how my day went. I woke up at 7:15am to my phone alerting me that someone had done something on Facebook worthy of an alert. I looked, and it was someone encouraging me with a wakeup call! This was actually more than fantastic, because I had, in no doubt a self-sabotaging attempt, NOT set an alarm. So I set it for 7:45am and went back to sleep. I hit snooze every five minutes after that until 9am.

I was tired.

I did make it to the gym, though! All I wanted to do was rock out! I had this overwhelming urge to dying for hours until I got over it. But I don't just mean sing. I mean sing at the top of my lungs INTENSE kind of singing.

When I got on the elliptical, I realized my urge wasn't necessarily about singing, but about doing something hard, something with intensity. In short,  my body was trying to  tell me it missed those intensity workouts. That was pretty cool.

Actually, it was pretty awesome because when I got to the gym, I was still super groggy and thought I might just take it easy today. My brain was saying  both: "You did not eat clean today. You should do an interval workout because you will jump on the opportunity to burn lots of fat. You may not have the same opportunity tomorrow" and "I don't feel like it. Isn't it equally important to only do what FEELS good, you know, so that I'll want to come back tomorrow?"

Guess which voice I thought sounded like the "wiser" option? 

But, as I started working out and listening to Kelly Clarkson's Mr. Know It All, I remembered that you shouldn't let your feelings guide your behavior in situations like these, because in all actuality, your FEELINGS are a RESULT of the BEHAVIOR you have been doing. If you change your behavior, your feelings will follow.

Just as I was getting into this train of thought (I had completed 5 pops), my phone rang. It was work. I was supposed to be there 10 minutes ago. So, I stopped my workout, 75% relieved, 25% disappointed.

I went home, made my breakfast, got ready and went back to work, thinking I would go to the gym between shifts.

Well that didn't happen. I ate breakfast at 11am (5 egg whites, 1 yolk, 1/2 cup oatmeal-measured before cooking, with blueberries and a Saint's coffee.) I ate lunch at 3pm (6oz chicken, lots of spinach, cabbage, bok choy, broccoli, and two scoops of sesame oil, 1 cup brown rice), and I finally took a break from 3:45pm-5pm. We were actually pretty busy today, and so the day flew by.

I tried to take a nap. That was a giant fail.

I went back in at 5pm, and we were busy again.  For waiting tables, this was a very good thing. 

I ate my last meal around 7:30pm. 6 egg whites, 1 yolk and a giant spoonful of peanut butter, which was delicious. I tried to drink all the water I'm supposed to, but I'm sure I fell short of that.

Oh well. I'm very happy with the job I did today. And I decided to let go if the gym. My opportunity to get my workout in was before work, and I did the best that I could.

Also, I weighed in at 130.8 today- which amazes me because yesterday I thought I had put all my weight back on.

Tomorrow, the goals are the same. I need to add visualization to my list of things to complete in a day though.

Well it's 12:12am. So goodnight!

Week 29, Day 9. I'm getting my act together.

I just found out that I haven't blogged for almost a month. I guess I wasn't joking when I said, "Time passes, no matter what decision you make."
I can't believe it's been that long!
A lot of things have happened in that month that threw me off course.  But I'm learning that I chose to let them throw me off course.
I remember when I first started this plan, I had absolute determination. And I wasn't even losing much weight at first. I was just absolutely determined to not look the way I looked and feel the way I felt anymore.  Well, somewhere along the way, I let go of that, and I have every intention of getting it back.
I could list the things I haven't been doing, but it would be quicker to say that I just haven't followed the plan. I haven't been eating clean, I haven't been eating on time, I haven't been eating consistently. I haven't been working out every day, and I haven't been getting regular sleep.  Well I guess I couldn't stand to not say what I haven't been doing.

Today was interesting. I really just wanted to relax. I got very disturbed sleep Wednesday night, and I think it might have caught up with me today because I did not feel like doing anything. I don't even know why I didn't go to the gym. I lied to myself, thinking, "you won't have any time to work on the things you need to work on if you go to the gym."  However, I never actually did a stitch of work. Except for my shift at the Green Bowl, where it's questionable if you could call what I did there work.

Anyway, I couldn't focus today. I was tired. I wanted a break. I wanted to sleep forever.

I ate clean for breakfast, but I did have a cup of coffee with creamer. I'm going to have to throw that creamer out. It's the only way.

I'll have to write that down so I remember.

When I finally left my house, I went to the coffee shop and ordered another coffee (this was 3 hours later) and a wheat bagel with cream cheese. THIS IS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.

Then I gave up trying to do work. After all, all I was doing was watching youtube videos of songs I love and wishing I could sing them.  So I left and sang my little heart out until I went to Green Bowl for my shift.

But I was so painfully tired and wanting to do anything but work! I just wanted some of my own time back! It was such a hard shift for me to get through, but I really need any extra cash I can get my hands on so I really wish I could get my urges to cooperate with me. I need my body to WANT to work. As Martha Beck would say, my essential self. My social self is saying, "You need to work because you need the money, and it would be good if you didn't piss off your coworkers while you're at work, too." My essential self is saying, "I can't take it! Give me something! Can I listen to music? Dance? Sing? Give me sugar, then. Alcohol?"

Anyway, I lost the fight with my essential self. I ate a bowl with ruins of sauce, some noodles, lots of vegetables, and white rice. I also had diet soda afterward because I was so tired (because I ate the sugar).

Then I came home and are Cool Whip directly out of the container. That may have been a better option than my original plan, which was to go to Dunkin Donuts and get 2 donuts. That plan was foiled through no fault of my own. I went, and it did not appear that DD had any donuts, plus the girls in front of me were taking ENTIRELY too long, so I just left before I killed someone for a donut.

The really important thing that happened today was that I started to feel ashamed of the way I look again. I started trying to suck in my belly again, in hopes it would make me look skinnier.

I hate the way that feels.

I know I can do the work to make myself look GREAT and not feel like I have to suck in my belly or be ashamed of it.

First step: make a chart.
Which I did, for the next 6 days. It includes: Get to the gym before work. Eat clean. Eat at least 4 meals per day. Blog. Be in bed by 9:30 or 30 min after you get home if you are working a long day.

Second step: make little rewards for yourself for every day that you folie the plan. I don't know what they will be yet. But I'm thinking maybe buy myself something really little.

Third step: Think of a big reward for doing all six days. I'm thinking I might buy clothes. That would be pretty awesome.

Fourth Step: Throw out the creamer. It is the only way. *i just took a minute and dumped the creamer*

Fifth step: Hulk Shakes. I even have the ingredients. I'll have to make some tomorrow and lean on it.

Sixth step: Fill my fridge. There's something about the emptiness in my fridge right now that is making me feel deprived or something.

And how am I going to stay on track? Check in with Amy. I haven't been leaning on her as much lately because I obviously haven't been as focused.

Another thing...I can't stay up all night blogging.  Sleep is important!

So goodnight!

Week 25, Day 2. Could have had a better day.

I did not get enough sleep last night. I knew that would mean that I would have cravings (has to do with hormones that are affected by your sleep), but I thought I was prepared to deal with them.

I did great all day until 5pm. Even at 2pm, when I was having a major craving because it had been too long since I ate last, I stopped at Sheetz to get two hard-boiled eggs. Then I also picked up my food for my (oops) 3rd meal and ate it before the work function I attended that was intended to be a snack-y/desert-y affair. Think carb heaven.

But by 5pm, I was so exhausted, I didn't have much fight left. I first snuck a pretzel bite when my very supportive  coworkers were not looking.

After that, I grazed. Terrible, I know. No real way to know how much damage I did. But I tried never to stuff myself, and I succeeded at that. I don't think it was all that terrible, and now that I realize that I only ate 3 of my 5 meals, it makes sense why I was so helpless in the face of all that food.  I know I had 2 mini cupcakes, some dorito-like chips (15?), maybe 15 pretzel bites, a tiny brownie, a scoop of hummus on a pepper stick, I don't remember what else.

I also decided not to go to the gym because I was so tired that I just needed to get some rest.

I am not sure that that was the best idea, but maybe the next time I am that tired, I will push through and get my workout done anyway.

Tomorrow, I have to be up early for work again so I'll get a workout in after the school programs and before social hour gets started. I am admitting right now that I plan on having one glass of red wine. Now that I'm being honest about it, hopefully I won't decide that it would be fine to have a second glass.

I am very much looking forward to tomorrow, but I also want to get past it, because I can't work out before work, and I'll be having wine, which I know will set me back, but I also know I will have a glass of wine. Saying I won't will only make me more likely to have more than one.

Alright, I'm falling asleep as I write this, sorry it's so boring, and good night.

Week 25, Day 1. I am so back.

I have been so off-track with this lately!  I guess I have just been having way too much fun.  And, come to think of it, some pretty stressful things have come along too.  But, I've finally got a routine working here, since I used my weekend to get into the state of mind of taking on these last 10 pounds again.  Without further ado, I'd like to repost my workout motto and source:

"I work out like a motherfucker!"

I just had to explain to my roommate why I had a piece of paper in my room that says "I work out like a motherfucker!" taped to my wall.  So I'll explain it again here, for those of you who don't know.  I love True Blood, (I shouldn't, I know, but I do), and one of my favorite scenes is when the town cop, Andy Bellefleure, is giving Jason Stackhouse a hard time.  Jason says something like, "Why are you always on my case?"  And Andy says, "Everything just seems to come so easy to you!  It's not fair!"  Jason explains a few things, but about the women loving him, he says, "You think that's easy???  I work out like a motherfucker!!!  And I watch a lot of porn."  I know I shouldn't have liked that, but I did.  So much so that it reminded me that Jason Stackhouse didn't get those abs by accident.  He worked effing hard for them.  And I am prepared to work effing hard for mine.  There.  That's my motto. 

Onto today.  I had an awesome day today.  Summary:  2 workouts, totally clean eating (except a cup of coffee in the am), and a very productive day at work.  Oh, AND I tanned.  That was a nice reward.

This morning, I was having a great time in dreamland, and totally did not hear my alarm until 6am.  Oops.  I was supposed to be at the gym by 5:45am.  So, I screwed around for a minute, but realized if I didn't get moving, I would miss this opportunity to work out.  So I got out the door.

But, not before weighing myself, and seeing that I finally broke past 130!  The scale read 129.4!  I have not seen that number in a decade, easily.  Well.  No.  But, I haven't seen it in way too long!  And, to that point, I probably will not see it again in the next couple of weeks.  I'm sure I lost muscle mass, so the numbers will go up again before they go down.

So, I got to the gym, and I did NOT think I would do a tough workout.  I was still pretty sleepy.  So I hopped on an elliptical, thinking I would do something light and just take credit for doing anything at all.  But, lo and behold, I heard some fun music, and all of a sudden, I was all about an interval workout.

It felt so great to get that out of the way, and it was an absolutely beautiful morning.  Smelled like summer in November.  It was delicious.

Anyway, I got through my day and then went back to the gym for my second workout in Kerry's class.  And I had a moment.  It was not a good moment, but I got over it.  Some woman approached me, very sweet lady, and she said, "Oh, my god!  Did I see you running the Steps to Safety 5k?"  I said, "Yeah!"  And she said, "Did you just lose a ton of weight?"

She might as well have drop-kicked me in the jaw.  I went right to, "God, what did I look like before?  A ton of weight?  A ton?  Maybe 15 pounds.  How bad did I look?  Was I in total denial?  Am I in total denial right now?"  Because here's the thing...I THINK now that I look the same as I did 15 pounds ago, it's a funny thing your brain does.  I don't feel any different.  So, to have people say things like that, it kind of takes me off balance.

It was crushing for about 60 seconds.  And then she said, "Oh my god, what are you doing?  I need to do that!  Who do I talk to?  What did you learn?"

And then I thought, "Oh!  This is a good thing!  She's not calling me fat!  She's not judging me!  She thinks I did an awesome thing!  And she wants to do it too!  And, I've lost enough weight that it's not only noticeable, but she called it a 'ton'!"

I have to add that saying, "Did you just lose a ton of weight?" is not the same as saying, "Oh my god, you look so good!" (women say this)" or "Looking good" (men say this).  This is not the same.  It always feels good when I hear those two statements.  I am reminded that I've done some work on myself, and it paid off.  Not the same.  I don't entirely know why.

So, after that little incident, I tried my very best for the whole class because I thought, "YES!  This does pay off!"  Then I rewarded myself with a tan.  And I fell asleep in the tanning bed.  And it was awesome.

Tomorrow I'm thinking my plan is to go to the gym after work.  Just one workout will do for tomorrow.  I'm already heading to bed later than I wanted to, and god knows I'll need to wind down first, so I'll just plan on waking up, eating at 7am, and I have to work early, so...yeah.

And if I follow my plan for this week, I will reward myself with a fun outfit.  Yay!  I need one of those!!!

Week 23, Day 5. I am so excited about today!

I am exhausted, but I'm writing about today because I'm so proud of what I accomplished!

I did, indeed, get up at 5:30am and finished my workout by 7am. That felt incredible!  To reward myself, I bought 20 tans. I know that doesn't sound in line with general health...and I'd like to avoid wrinkles and all, but...the pictures just look better if I'm tan. Plus, once, JUST ONCE, I want to feel as though I look the part of a Bronze Goddess. Yes. It's true.

Now that that's out of the way, I can write about the rest of my day. I managed to eat all my meals except my last one on time. However, I forgot my bread. Ezekiel bread that is, and so, I was super hungry most of the day.

I also had several soul-crushing moments throughout the day, but somehow it never popped into my brain to self-medicate with food.

I'm super-excited to weigh myself in the morning because for the first time in a LONG TIME, I actually worked out on an empty stomach. Amy has said this makes fat loss happen faster. Well, I should clarify that. She says that working out first thing in the morning before breakfast will burn fat faster. I have not been doing that for MONTHS.

It was so great to accomplish that! I finally felt like I had significant control over my life again!  I haven't felt that way for quite some time, but now I know why I could be so dedicated to this program. It makes me feel like I could take on the world.

I'm also happy to report that another friend has joined me in this process and will help keep me accountable to morning workouts AND will be a horse riding buddy! I can't wait to get into that again.

But, it's 11:22pm, and I need to get up at 7am. So good night.

Week 23, Day 4. Time to get serious.

It's 10:30pm on the noise, which means I am exactly one hour late for my bedtime, so I gotta make this fast.

I decided today that I have to get serious about these last ten pounds if I really want to lose them.

And I really want to lose them.

So tonight I am going to bed, then getting up at 5:30am, NO MATTER HOW TIRED I AM! And I am going to the gym.

Then I will reward myself. Only I haven't figured out how yet.

I did not see 129 today. I saw 131.2, but it reminded me that this takes dedication.

So. Starting now, I am dedicated to a schedule. I am dedicated to sleeping, eating, and exercising ON TIME.

Speaking of sleep, it's 10:34pm. Good night.

Week 23, Day 3! Could tomorrow be the day?

I had a great day today, and now I'm up too late. Way too late.
Long story short, I was damn near perfect today. The only exception was one cup of coffee. I am almost ready to make my goal no coffee. But not today.

Anyway, I weighed myself today, and I landed at 130.0lbs. So, I figure that it is completely possible that I will see the numbers 1-2-9 tomorrow. And if I do, that would be soooooo Amazing!!!

I forgot to mention that I also worked my tail off at Amy's class tonight. It was so intense!

Before I knew it I was 20 minutes into the class, and she had me do focused on form and what my body was doing, that I didn't have time to look at the clock.

I tried to remember  that the best athletes are the ones that can ignore the pain. I tried to push past it. I succeeded sometimes. And that's all that counts.

So...I'm finally going to bed. I meant to be in bed a lot sooner. I need to start making choices that honor bed time.

For now, good night!