Day 5 I get to go to bed early!

Well, I am calling it a day.
I got terrible sleep again last night.  I think it's because my fan in my heater makes noise almost in a pattern but not quite, so (it's really pretty loud) must be in my sleep it startles me, and I just can't seem to get used to it.
Anyway, again, I can say that I am amazed at how much better my days are when I start it out with something I love, and then eat clean for the day.  Even though for three nights, I got 6 hours or less, I made it through my day just fine.

Speaking of starting out your day...this morning I got my body fat tested!  I expected it to be somewhere between 30-35% because I had a DEXA scan done when I was 27 and my body fat was 33% then.  I was horrified.  I couldn't imagine that it changed too drastically since then, since I am about the same size as I was then, if not a little heavier.

But, I measured a 28.5% body fat.  Now, I don't know if the calipers just measured low, but I'm not worried about it, because as long as the same professional measures you, you will measure the CHANGE accurately, and that's what I really care about.

I ate clean all day except for my coffee.  Today was the last day for the creamer in my coffee.  And I'm trying some new ideas lately.  When I noticed that I was in love with my suffering in relation to other people, meaning that I would cling to stories about how this person or that person hurt me or wronged me, I wanted to stop.  I wanted to stop being in love with my suffering.  Stop complaining.  Stop giving it energy.  Then, I realized that other things I cling to are my cheat meals.  I mean, I WAIT for them like I'm dying for it, I fantasize about what I'm going to eat, and you name it.  But I realized that I'm totally missing the bigger picture which is that my body LOVES eating clean.

I think this really sunk in for me when Maybelle was begging for food.  Yep.  I'm gonna write about my cat. ;)  Anyway, she gets dry food most of the time, and occasionally she gets wet food.  But whenever I make chicken or shrimp or cod, she begs for it like a maniac.  So, of course I feed her, and positively reinforce the begging.  Whatever, I don't care if that's bad cat etiquette, it doesn't bother me at all.

Anyway, what happens when Maybelle gets real, whole food is that within a matter of minutes after eating, she tears around the apartment absolutely crazed with energy.  And, I realized, that is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL WHEN I EAT CLEAN.

Now, there's something to be said for ENJOYING your cheat meal.  I will have my cheat meal this Sunday, and I will enjoy it.  But I have also been intentional about ENJOYING MY CLEAN MEALS.  It's hard to enjoy plain baked chicken when you're dreaming of Wegman's mac and cheese, but I'm getting there.  I need to do this, because at some point in my training, the cheat meals will fall away.  Probably in relatively short order.

So, I'm going to channel Amy here and say that I'm not white-knuckling it anymore.  I'm going forward with grace.
Goodnight!
7:38pm...In case you're curious what I'm eating and doing at the gym, here was my schedule today:
5:17am
Got up
5:30am
8oz coffee with smidgen of French Vanilla coffee
2 egg whites
Did my morning pages, made my breakfast, packed my lunch, etc.
6:30am
Drank Glutamine
Drank SuperPUMP!!!  (love that stuff)
6:50am
Went to gym,  got body fat tested.  Finally met the guy that owns the gym.  He told me the calipers administer a little shock.  I believed him.  And, we had a nice giggle.  It was a charming way to break the ice considering I was in a tiny little tanning room with a man I've never met who is about to measure how much fat I have on my body.  I was just a little uncomfortable. ;)
7:15am
Lifting routine.  A picture is at the bottom of the page.  If you can't read my writing, it's Day 4 of Jamie Eason's LiveFit plan on bodybuilding.com
8:15am
Drank Muscle Martini
Ate 6 egg whites and 1/3 cup oatmeal (measured when dry). 
11:20am
2 Turkey Muffins (Jamie Eason's recipe without the oatmeal-did this by mistake, but I like them better!)
8oz Kale shake
1 orange (totally not on the plan! Taking it with my iron for this week for better absorption, then I'm done with the oranges)
2:20pm
 5oz plain chicken
half a sweet potato
maybe a handful of raw veggies (broccoli, cucumber, spinach, red and green peppers)
5:20pm
6oz cod, pan-fried with Pam (haven't figured out a better way to cook this)
serving of raw, unsalted almonds
8pm
Drink Glutamine

Day 4. Let it be.

I had a phenomenal day today. I forgot how GOOD you feel when you are eating clean and starting each day with purpose!
Granted, I was tired. I have been having a hard time going to bed. I'm just so revved up! I don't ever want to sleep!
Even though I was tired, my plan does not allow those comfort foods, so I was never so tired that I couldn't focus. I am a little concerned that I only got 6 hours of sleep two nights in a row because that cuts into the time when your muscles are repairing and growing. But it's all coming.
I learned so much today! I straightened out my breakfast routine with Amy, found a way to track my progress online SO easily (it had to be easy, or I wouldn't do it), and I am READY to sign up for the 12 week challenge! Details will come later, I was supposed to take pictures tonight but couldn't fit it in.
Today I was doing my morning writing, trying to think through how to disable my very cruel inner critic, and I had a moment of clarity. I cannot yet let it go. I've been over this for the past several days with a few people, and right now it feels like it wouldn't be safe and it wouldn't be smart to let it go. That's not actually true, probably the SMARTEST thing I could do is let it go...I've noticed that if I am in fear, my inner critic has probably arrived telling me that I will never accomplish anything worthwhile or special...but what's interesting is that being in fear makes me think I need the inner critic more, and they feed each other. The inner critic makes me fearful, my fear justifies the presence of the inner critic.
For illustration: (during class)
Me: God this is really hard.
Inner Critic: Oh figures you'd give up, look at everybody else. You think THEY'RE not in pain? No, they just choose to do it anyway. Not you. You gotta stand here and pant like failure.
Me: you're right, I should get back to it........................Oh my god I can't believe how hard this is!
IC: oh here we go. Why do you bother. You would walk out right now if you could, wouldn't you?

And the conclusion I draw from that is that I NEED my inner critic because without it, I would just not care about anything. Like I need to be shamed into giving it my all.

The truth came out later, for me, when Amy asked where our minds were. She either said something about how negative messages have a negative physical impact...or it just triggered that realization. I was able at that point, to surrender to the pain (because after all, anybody can do something when they FEEL LIKE IT, it's how you persevere when you are tired that matters) and in surrendering, I decided, subconsciously, that I would finish. Pain be damned.* And my inner critic fell away.
I realize I wrote about this yesterday, but it has been really profound for me. I came up with a mantra for myself when my Inner Critic crops up again, because I'm sure it will, and resisting it just makes it worse: "If you can't let it go, then let it be."
For me, it means surrender, accept, stop fighting with it.
I learned lots of other stuff today too, but I need to go to bed.
I ate clean all day and ate in regular intervals, which hasn't happened in a long time. The one thing I have to give up is that I'm using that awful and delicious creamer in my coffee in the morning. Tomorrow is my last day of that. It's only getting in the way.
Goodnight!
*sharp pain should not be ignored, and a too-high heart rate should not be ignored. I was strictly speaking of the "feel the burn!" Variety that made Susan Powter famous. If that's even her name.

Day 3, To my inner critic: Shut up.

So, I had a great day today. It was my first day back at work, and it felt so good to be back. I went to the gym before work (seriously later than I had intended, but these things happen). I even made an appointment to get my body fat % taken! I don't know that I will need it, or even trust it's accuracy, but I feel like down the line it might serve me in some way.
Anyway, so I had to take all my shower stuff, food, even breakfast with me when I left for the gym. I even had to blend myself a protein shake and put it in a coffee thing too keep it cold. I knew I would need to drink it after I worked out in order to feed my muscles after my workout in that 30 minute period of time. The point of all this is that I dragged two big bags into the gym this morning and felt a little awkward, but it made the rest of my day work so beautifully.
At 5:30pm, I went to Amy's class. I've been so delinquent about going for the past two months that I felt a little ashamed of myself. And that's just the beginning. I began an internal verbal assault on myself before the class even got started. It was a whole lot of shaming, like, "look what you've done to yourself! You're so out of shape!" And my personal favorite, "oh yeah, that's right, this is because YOU DON'T FINISH ANYTHING! You couldn't finish that 12 week program, and you're pooping out when you still have ten seconds to go! No wonder you can't reach your goals!" Have I ever mentioned how this has persisted in every facet of my life? I mean, I personally think I self-sabotage just to MAKE THIS BELIEF TRUE. Oh wait, that might be more evidence of me criticizing myself. Well, anyway... I was really being terrible to myself until we started doing mountain climbers and Amy said something as she was coaching the class...I don't remember what it was, but it was generally encouraging at least. I think it had to do with focusing on our abs, and my abs were killing me. I decided to surrender. My goal was to surrender to the pain. You know, feel the pain and continue anyway. But by repeating surrender in my head several times, I surrendered to the inner critic. I stopped resisting it, and it kind of disappeared.
It dawned on me that I finish things literally ALL THE TIME! I've never walked out of a fitness class. There are plenty of shifts at Green Bowl that I have stayed through to the bitter end. There are projects that I fought through bitterly to finish.
Now granted, I did quit after 6 weeks if the bodybuilding plan I was on. I hardly think I am the first person to do that. What's more, I LEARNED from that! The first six weeks of this program are going to be so familiar to me!
Anyway. I finish things. All the time. So my inner critic can shut the eff up.

Day 2, learned so much!

It's past my bedtime, so I can't write much, but I will say that I finally learned the explanation as to why your body will not burn fat 48 hours after you drink alcohol. Tied in with that is why diet soda just ain't helping me out, even though I get a little boost from it. Short explanation is that the liver has 2 jobs: getting rid of harmful substances (alcohol, HFCS, aspartame) and burning fat, and is does not do them simultaneously. So, if it's tied up getting rid of neurotoxins and other crazy crap, your body will just keep that extra fat, TYVM.
So, for two days I have been able to say no to diet soda, almost as I was reaching for it.
I did a ton of food prep today: turkey muffins, chicken, sweet potatoes, cut up raw veggies, kale shake...may not sound like much, but it took forever AND I had to clean out the fridge!
I also managed to write my behavior checklist for the rest of the week so I can track and congratulate myself for successes. Like, today, for example when I managed to eat clean for the whole day! It took a lot of coaching to avoid the Wegman's brown sugar and cinnamon finishing butter on my sweet potato!
Which reminds me...
This week, and probably for the next 12 weeks, I will be practicing lots of self-discipline. I'm really excited to see this program through to the end. I don't have to do everything perfectly, I just have to FINISH STRONG!

My first day!

Granted, I definitely ate better overall ever since learning about sugar and carbs versus protein and vegetables. But today was the first day I ate clean EVERY MEAL! Egg whites for breakfast, green bowl for lunch (only used sesame oil and lemon pepper seasoning...probably more fat than I need, but NO HFCS!), protein shake, then turkey muffins and an orange. Ok ok ok, the orange probably does not belong. Especially not at 7pm. But, I was having a craving to SABOTAGE my plan. Seriously I think the only reason I wanted anything but clean food was to prove to myself that I'm never going to succeed at this.
But I recognized it, that tendency to opt out of the difficult thing, and made a different choice.
After all that, I remembered that the first few days are the hardest. DUH! The first few days of ANYTHING ARE THE HARDEST! I'm happy to report I made it through.
I even did my workout! I put serious effort into concentrating on the muscle today, and I was able to do more push-ups than I realized without straining my elbows! So yay! Now I'm rewarding myself some more with Breaking Bad.

Getting over the hurdles T minus 1 day

Today is my first shot at daily blog posts from my phone, my bed that take less than ten minutes. I can already tell you I avoided it pretty tough.
But here is a rundown of my day. I stayed up pretty late last night because...well because I was avoiding things. I was watching Breaking Bad and decided to fall asleep on the couch. Bad idea.
Anyway, today I got up at 11am and felt like a loser for staying up so late and sleeping in so late, so I immediately set out to right that.
I've been feeling kind of sick lately,with a sore throat and all, but I also know my apartment is very dry, so I boiled some water and immediately felt some relief.
I started reading my Chalene Johnson book immediately and got through a few chapters today, but I didn't accomplish half of what I set out to do...
Oops! Rule #1 I learned from Amy is to celebrate the POSITIVE! So, what I did was read 3 chapters in Chalene's book, buy some more groceries, take a nap try out some new apps on my phone, make a to do list, try to print competition pics for my vision board (center closed at 8pm, darn it!) read some Seth Godin at Barnes and Noble, and descale the Keurig.
Tomorrow I plan on following through on making my meals, a behavior checklist, taking pics and creating a Bronze Goddess vision board, creating my affirmations, and creating a measurement chart.
I had a goal of drinking 4 30oz bottles of water today, and I got two today. We will do better tomorrow.
Finally, this keyboard is really difficult to use at the moment. I was so much better at Swype! Well, anyway. I can give myself credit for doing my blog, just not in less than ten minutes!

Where to start? Day T minus 2 days.

That is the question I have been asking myself for the past two weeks in regards to this mission of seeing my belly muscles.  Where to start?  When to start?  How to start?  Why start now?  So.  I haven't started. 
Well, I could say that I did manage to go to the gym a few times in the past two weeks.  I guess what I really mean is that I haven't committed to another 12 week program yet.  In this year and a half long process of change, I have found that starting is the hardest part.  I've also learned that falling off the path is all part of the process.  The winning is in getting back on.  Here are some things I've learned about how to start, where to start, when to start, and why to start right now.

• Accept yourself as you are, right now.  Weigh yourself, measure yourself, take pictures, try on clothes you wished you fit into...whatever it is that you do to look at the reality of where you are, right now.  Do you know how many plates of nachos I have eaten or workouts I have skipped in the name of denial?  They give you this advice when you're tackling your finances too.  If you're too afraid to face your reality, right now, you're not going to change.

• Sooooo.  If I took my own advice, I suppose I would go do that.

1. Exhibit A:  Killing two birds with one stone.  Picture AND jeans.  Looking to reduce the spillover, but accepting where I am today.
2. Weight:  144.0lbs.
1. Measurements:
   L Arm: 10 1/2 (straight and relaxed)
   R Arm: 10 3/4 (straight and relaxed)
   Bust: 37 3/4
   Chest: 32 1/2
   Waist:  34 1/2 (straight) 36 (through belly button)
   Hips:  39
   Butt:  39 1/2
   L Thigh:  23 1/2  Midway 19 1/2
   R Thigh:  23 1/2  Midway 19 1/2
   L Calf:  13 1/4
   R Calf:  13 1/8

Ok!  Now in all that excitement, I had to search all over for my measuring tape that I lost months ago.  I DO NOT LOSE THINGS.  And, when something is misplaced, I will stop at almost nothing until it is recovered, or I can be satisfied that someone else threw it away or otherwise actually lost it.  As you might imagine, this can be difficult for other people who could get blamed for losing said object, and YES, I am guilty of being quick to blame others.  I'm working on it. :)
Anyway, I found the tape measure.  Turns out I tucked it behind a little mirror on my wall in my bedroom so I could see myself better.  I must have thought that was such a clever place, and I'd never "lose" it there.  Ha ha.  That's funny.  I ALSO decided to try and revive my iPod Nano, which I have revived a few times, but it always fails again, and rather quickly too. 
This would be SO AWESOME IF IT ACTUALLY WORKED!  I have been working out at the gym without music for about two years now.  I would LOVE to start working out to music again.  It would be a really nice addition to my morning routine.
Ah, but now, we have to get back to the steps that help me.

• Create a morning routine.  For so long, I have rolled out of bed at the last possible minute, dreading the thing I had to get up and go do.  Now, I have a routine.  I try to get up at 5am and have my coffee and do something called my "morning pages".  I learned about it from Julia Cameron, who wrote a book called The Artist's Way, which suggests writing in stream of consciousness style for 30 minutes, first thing in the morning.  Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, and most importantly, do not check Facebook.  Mel Robbins also calls this a "brain dump". Right now I have two goals in mind, and this 12 week plan is number TWO in priority, so it has to fold into the first priority.  Here is what my morning routine looks like:
• Wake up at 5am (may need to adjust this to 6am).
• Read affirmations 3 times out loud.
• Focus on vision board.  Try to use all 5 senses to visualize reaching your goals.
• Feed and water Maybelle.
• Make coffee, light candles.
• Write for 30 minutes (or about 5 pages in my journal).
• Meditate for 10-15 minutes.
• Write 10 minutes of content for other blog
• 6am or 7am, depending: Drink glutamine and SuperPump, eat 2 egg whites.
• Go to gym.  Workout should take one hour or one and a half hours.  Plan accordingly.  Travel back and forth to gym will take 20 minutes total.
• Drink glutamine or Muscle Martini in car on the way home.  (I'm not sure about this, I drink an awful lot of glutamine.)
• Make protein shake, drink it within a half hour of ending workout.
• Take shower, get ready for work.
• Eat breakfast, pack meals.
• Be at work by 9am or 11am, depending on the day.

So, that's my morning routine, and I jump out of bed for it, it's my favorite time of day.  This gets me moving in the morning and I know I need to do certain things at certain times, or they will be skipped.  Onto the next thing I must do in order to get committed to a plan.

•  Make a chart, something, anything to document achievements.  The first time I did this, I simply weighed myself every day.  I quickly learned that weight fluctuates a whole lot and this can REALLY backfire.  Amy, who has been with me every step of the way, told me that, but of course I had to learn the hard way.  I got hung up on the number Every. Single. Day.  If I had been working really hard at eating clean and the numbers didn't change the way I wanted them to, it was easy to justify a donut or something.  So, when I really committed to a 12 week lifting program that Amy recommended, I decided I would NOT step on the scale.  At All.  Instead, I decided to follow the program to the letter, knowing and trusting that if I did the work, it would do the trick.  That's what I plan on doing this time, too, but I still document.  I love the phrase:  Change is checking days off on a calendar.  To remind myself of that DAILY commitment, I have 3 months worth of a calendar taped to the wall in my kitchen.  Every day that I follow the program, I put a specific color post-it up on the day, with a nugget of something I did or learned that day.

It's a little way to celebrate and to see how far I've come, how long I've stayed on the program.  I will also need to make a chart to compare measurements from Day 0 to Day 30 to Day 60 to Day 90.  You can't really see, but the orange squares are little things I keep around, "You become what you think about." "Alcohol is a place to hide." And, now that I'm looking at it, I can see that I need to get rid of my December calendar...and does that mean I need to start TOMORROW?  I may not be ready for that.  We'll see.

• Finally, and most importantly:  Recruit people to help you achieve your goal.  That's why I wrote this introductory blog, to reach out and charge up my friends that have been so helpful in this pursuit.  Amy has been patiently coaxing me along, and I couldn't do it without her expertise and encouragement.  And I can't thank the friends that have been pushing me along enough!  I can't tell you how a simple comment or check-in has turned my whole day around on many occasions.  In doing this, I have also been able to pay it forward and be helpful to someone else on a day when they are struggling.  So...LET'S DO THIS THING!!!

Oh, what exactly is this thing?  Well.  Here's my vision.  I'm not getting any younger.  And I have always wanted to see my belly muscles.  So, I am on a Bronze Goddess Mission for this summer, the summer I turn 33.  That's right.  I said it.  Bronze Goddess.  ME.  Can you get behind me on that???  I'm a little nervous to put it out there (because I could be so easily ridiculed), but I also need a GOAL that delights my senses.  Why can I be confident I can do it?  I have all the help, all the tools, all the time, and all the determination I need to do it.

I have lots more work to do, like actually making the food, reading more of my Chalene Johnson book, and finding a way to do a blog entry every day, but THIS blog entry is...

• Getting the momentum going.  And that is the final trick.  For real this time. :)