Day 4. Let it be.

I had a phenomenal day today. I forgot how GOOD you feel when you are eating clean and starting each day with purpose!
Granted, I was tired. I have been having a hard time going to bed. I'm just so revved up! I don't ever want to sleep!
Even though I was tired, my plan does not allow those comfort foods, so I was never so tired that I couldn't focus. I am a little concerned that I only got 6 hours of sleep two nights in a row because that cuts into the time when your muscles are repairing and growing. But it's all coming.
I learned so much today! I straightened out my breakfast routine with Amy, found a way to track my progress online SO easily (it had to be easy, or I wouldn't do it), and I am READY to sign up for the 12 week challenge! Details will come later, I was supposed to take pictures tonight but couldn't fit it in.
Today I was doing my morning writing, trying to think through how to disable my very cruel inner critic, and I had a moment of clarity. I cannot yet let it go. I've been over this for the past several days with a few people, and right now it feels like it wouldn't be safe and it wouldn't be smart to let it go. That's not actually true, probably the SMARTEST thing I could do is let it go...I've noticed that if I am in fear, my inner critic has probably arrived telling me that I will never accomplish anything worthwhile or special...but what's interesting is that being in fear makes me think I need the inner critic more, and they feed each other. The inner critic makes me fearful, my fear justifies the presence of the inner critic.
For illustration: (during class)
Me: God this is really hard.
Inner Critic: Oh figures you'd give up, look at everybody else. You think THEY'RE not in pain? No, they just choose to do it anyway. Not you. You gotta stand here and pant like failure.
Me: you're right, I should get back to it........................Oh my god I can't believe how hard this is!
IC: oh here we go. Why do you bother. You would walk out right now if you could, wouldn't you?

And the conclusion I draw from that is that I NEED my inner critic because without it, I would just not care about anything. Like I need to be shamed into giving it my all.

The truth came out later, for me, when Amy asked where our minds were. She either said something about how negative messages have a negative physical impact...or it just triggered that realization. I was able at that point, to surrender to the pain (because after all, anybody can do something when they FEEL LIKE IT, it's how you persevere when you are tired that matters) and in surrendering, I decided, subconsciously, that I would finish. Pain be damned.* And my inner critic fell away.
I realize I wrote about this yesterday, but it has been really profound for me. I came up with a mantra for myself when my Inner Critic crops up again, because I'm sure it will, and resisting it just makes it worse: "If you can't let it go, then let it be."
For me, it means surrender, accept, stop fighting with it.
I learned lots of other stuff today too, but I need to go to bed.
I ate clean all day and ate in regular intervals, which hasn't happened in a long time. The one thing I have to give up is that I'm using that awful and delicious creamer in my coffee in the morning. Tomorrow is my last day of that. It's only getting in the way.
Goodnight!
*sharp pain should not be ignored, and a too-high heart rate should not be ignored. I was strictly speaking of the "feel the burn!" Variety that made Susan Powter famous. If that's even her name.