Day 4. Time flies!

I can't believe I'm four days in already! And I had a SOLID fourth day. I thought I might have overdone it with my 6pm meal, but we shall see about that tomorrow.

I just have to say, I LOVE the sleep I get after one of Amy's classes. I didn't even wake up to pee until 7:30pm.  This is yet another one of the great benefits of high intensity interval training. It may be tough, but your body loves it.

I'm never so energized as when I am eating right, working out hard (which erases my anxiety...too tired to be anxious) and sleeping well...and not drinking. Oh, no caffeine, either, which very much inspires a person to make bedtime a priority.

Granted, today I was hungry, but that's no surprise, given the way I fired up lots of muscles yesterday.

Speaking of firing up muscles, when I went to the gym tonight, I really had to be mentally strong. There were SO MANY TIMES that I thought I could just skip an exercise.

I made the decision to do it anyway.

This was an incredibly hard decision to make, but the work itself wasn't that hard, even though I concentrated on form for every movement.

Today, I was bound and determined to get the MOST out of this plan. It's a powerful feeling. I think something in my brain has switched, and I really believe this is going to happen.

I will be celebrating the fittest body of my life on June 28, my 32nd birthday.

I'm not sure what's in store for tomorrow, but I think I need to do pops at 6am and then eat clean, and then I think my cheat day is on Saturday.

It's easier to choose AGAINST what your brain tells you to do (like eat the string cheese, skip the monster walk) when you know you are on a path toward something you've really wanted for a long time.

Anyway, if you can't tell, I'm tired and need to go to bed.

End of Day 3. I'm so tired I'm a social clutz.

Ok, so.  Remember how I said I took that 3 hour nap until 8:30 last might and also said how it totally wasn't going to affect me, and I would sleep well?

Wrong.

I couldn't sleep for shit. (Excuse the language, but that is an apt description.)

It was terrible. And I dreamt I had a big dog. And it pooped on the floor! And I had to clean it up! And I realized that it was my fault because I didn't walk it, but I didn't have time to walk it, so I knew I had to give it away...and become ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.  People who give away their furbabies. :SHUDDER:  Never.

Anyway, I had an ok day regardless. I was having a pretty rough morning, but a perky compliment turned that all around.

I ate on my plan.  Yay! I did cheat with the peanut butter a little bit at meal #2, BUT I made a strong choice to NOT EAT THE STRING CHEESE during meal #3.

Oh. I just realized I only had three meals today. Whoops. I'm supposed to have five, but normally, I get four.

Well, I did eat a handful of almonds at 4:50pm.

Anyway, the string cheese was a big deal, because I have a THOUSAND excuses/good reasons to EAT THE STRING CHEESE. But this time I just told myself that: it does not  go with this meal, butter is my fat for this meal, and choosing to have the string cheese is making a choice that will NOT make it easier to reach my goal.

And then I told myself that I was capable of resisting the string cheese.
This is a big deal. If you've ever been on a diet/meal plan, you know how that one little slip up can wreck your whole week. Hell, I just spent the month of April convinced I was not capable of eating clean/giving up coffee and ice cream.

It's little successes that you build on to get to the big successes. Just a series of difficult decisions.

Speaking of big successes, I've scheduled my stay at the Nature Inn! End of the month of May!  It makes more sense to reward myself with something that big for three weeks of staying on task, not one.

For a little reward, I bought myself a new tank top and sports bra because I made it through Amy's class tonight.

Let me tell you about that. I wasn't really feeling prepared because I have not done anything intense since the beginning of April. Then I heard it was a lot of legs and cardio, which for some reason scared me.  As if it would be anything else?

So literally ten minutes in, I start to think, "Oh my god, I don't think I can do this whole class, and I will have to bear the shame of leaving early. Except I can't leave early. It's Amy's class. Oh my god, I'll be staying for this whole class. And it will challenge me the entire time. I might have a heart attack."

Now I know that when other people post about their tough workouts, a little bitter, jealous piece of me thinks, "Well if it's such a pain in the ass, how about you stop doing it and quit whining?"

But here's the thing. While these classes are challenging and we choose to put ourselves through them, we also need support. At least I do. I need to hear those, "You go girl!" If I didn't hear them, I would probably stop.

The jealous part of me that occasionally wants to say something other than, "you go girl" knows that whoever is talking about their workout got one in when I didn't, and they are reaping the rewards.

So. Amy's class. Wow. It was incredibly difficult. And in the moment, my brain went to "Oh please, make it stop! I can't! I can't!"  I didn't win that battle as much as I would have liked tonight. Although, I do have to say, at one point,  we finished a leg exercise, and I rolled onto my belly and found myself with my face just pushed into the mat, and I thought I'd just stay there for awhile.  So I kind of did.

So, please don't take this as complaining. I get more mileage out of that one hour than any other class I ever take. I also learn more about my own imposed limitations. I learn more about where I can push JUST a little more. I will also lose more weight today and tomorrow than I could doing any other workout. I just need to be able to get my brain to come along for the ride.

Also, it was FUN! Can you believe that hard work can be fun? We dance a lot, which is great, because I've been awkward about that my whole life. And, this routine will last for 6weeks, so I have 6 weeks to improve on Brazilian pushups, side Burpees, and banana jacks. And I love a challenge.

And actually, oh my god, this is so exciting! I only have seven weeks left to my goal!!! So this tough class Amy's got us doing is going to push me right along!

Things are coming together so nicely, I think I'm ACTUALLY going to see my belly muscles on my birthday!!z

And, I discovered that Appalachain Outdoors sells bikinis! I might have to wrangle Amy out to help me shop for a bikini when I hit this marker. Oh, this is all so exciting!!!

And, I forgot to mention that the reason I'm so tired was because I really pushed myself in that class. Even sometimes I felt like I wasn't, my heart felt like it might burst out of my chest. So, tonight, I most definitely WILL sleep like a baby. The benefits of that class are insane.

Bring it on!

Day 2! I'm still blogging!

Today went pretty well. My caffeine headache is getting milder, and that is really unpleasant, so I'd like it to go away soon.

I stayed on my plan for the most part! I didn't get up and exercise before breakfast. It might just be too early for that kind of change. Maybe I'll work on that for week two. Today, I didn't exercise at all. I didn't get up early enough, and then I came home and took a "nap", but I actually slept really hard from 5:30pm- 8:30pm. I must have needed it. My body was really sore from Mondays class with Kerry. I find if I'm really sore, out work out really hard, I tend to need more sleep. So this was not a surprise, and I'll probably be asleep by 11pm and sleep through the night.
I ate my meals on time. I didn't fudge my diet with peanut butter today, either! For meal #2, I had my apple, my protein shake and then I ate the correct amount of almonds. So proud of myself. It happened that way because I was in the middle of an inservice and FORGOT my peanut butter. Luckily for me, they had almonds, so I ate them for my fat.

For my next meal...it's fair to say that I get HUNGRY between meals now! I am not used to that. But I think it means my metabolism is revving up between meals and my stomach will stop expecting big meals (that I've been eating for the month of April).

Any way, for meal#3, I had chicken, broccoli, cauliflower, ezekiel bread with butter and a stick of string cheese. I overdid it with the fats for this meal. But I love putting the cheese on my chicken. Yum.

Finally, I was so hungry again at 4pm (i ate at 2:30!) that I starting cooking my 4th meal. I decided to make cod and kale pan-fried in balsamic vinegar. I cooked with butter!

As I was doing it, and knowing that it was not going to help me reach my goals, I had to remember to be gentle with myself. I did the very best I could. And tomorrow will be better.

And the day after that will be EVEN better!

And I'm not staying at the Nature inn until I take a weekday off and can enjoy the morning, with breakfast on a cheat day while I look out over the lake. Sounds so nice. It'll be toward the end of May.

Looking forward to it!

Plan for tomorrow...eat clean, have class with Amy, reward myself (playing with colored pencils?), maybe do my "blurts". This is an exercise that brings your critical voice to the forefront and allows you to change negative thinking.

For example:
I will see my belly muscles by June 28, 2012.
No you won't. You know this is hopeless. This is stupid. You're just gonna fall off track and spend your birthday not in a bikini but covered up. Just like you'll spend your whole summer.

I will see my belly muscles by June 28, 2012.
No, you won't. You'll get to a point where you're satisfied with how you look in regular clothes and you won't go the extra mile to be able to wear a bikini without shame.

I will see my belly muscles by June 28, 2012.
No, you won't. You'll lose some weight, maybe even hit 125, and you'll be so excited by it that you will want to be around men. And you will spend an entire weekend off of your plan (with men involved) and when you're done and go back to normal life, you won't have the ambition to get back on the plan.

I will see my belly muscles by June 28, 2012. I have 7 weeks and 1 day. I have support, I know what to do, I will not get lax when the job is not done, and I will not allow (my love of) men to be a distraction. I WILL see my belly muscles by this date. I've never been closer! This isn't stupid or hopeless, it's REAL and it's HAPPENING. June 28th. I'm ready for the work ahead.

Difficult Decisions. May 7 is Day One.

I wanted to have lots of time to write this blog because I noticed such interesting things about (my own) behavior today. But, I don't have much time, so I'll do what I can.
I just had a week off of work (from my full-time job) in which I spent some time driving and visiting with people. I also spent a whole lotta time outdoors. I've been craving it. I really wanted to stay overnight at the Nature Inn at Bald Eagle State Park, but I realized one nights stay would be two tanks of gas (two road trips), or two class cards at the yoga studio. Or half of a car payment. So I didn't. I kind of wish I had. Maybe I'll go back...OOH! A REWARD!  Maybe a one-week-on-diet  reward will be a one night stay there! Yes! I will ABSOLUTELY stay on my plan for that!
Ok. Anyway.
I really needed the break. I was working constantly and de-stressing with wine regularly. My whole plan was to not do anything too taxing, and for the most part I didn't...except I was exhausted by the end of most days. So I slept a lot.

One thing I have learned: When you get off-track with a diet and exercise regimen, if you rest long enough, you will eventually want to get back into it.

Apparently, one week was all I needed. I had a dream last night that I decided to train in a competition, so I was dreaming about doing really tough exercises, like throwing a 50 pound weight more than 20 yards. I seriously doubt I could do that.

When I woke up, I knew it was time to jump back on my plan while I was pumped for it.

Then I got called into my part-time job early. To put it mildly, I had a stressful day from that point until 5pm. I was exhausted from working a straight 13-hour day the day before, and I just wanted to get through that shift quickly. Without pain. Unfortunately for me, that was not the case. Things did not go smoothly. When I FINALLY got a chance to eat, someone had thrown away the bread I put out in preparation for my last egg sandwich for awhile.  And we ran out of cheese (talk about making a girl mad!). I went into the back and threw a fit that was just ungainly for a 31-year-old. But it was just the kind of day where every time you get something half way completed, someone who is not communicating  (and is too wrapped up in their own hangover to empathize with anyone else) does something that totally trashes what you've managed to accomplish in a thoughtless split second.

It was that kind of day.

And my hip, knee, ankle, and foot joints hurt.

So. When a friend texted to ask if I wanted to go see a movie (which also probably meant some much-needed cuddling after my rough day), I  really had a dilemma on my hands.

If I went to the movie, I would DEFINITELY take the opportunity to have a glass of wine after work first. Then...how much asleep would I get? Is this a good idea?
And my brain began:
You had a hard day! You deserve self-care! Yes, I do!  But I think I'm tricking myself. Does it count as self-care if I'm going to wake up exhausted and not prepared for work tomorrow? And if I'm not prepared for work tomorrow, am I going to be able to get up and go to the gym?
You have a point. But The Avengers! I heard it's really good! You have a perfect opportunity to kick back and relax. When are you going to find another time to relax and hang out?

I wish I had time to go through all the scenarios. But I basically could not decide/understand what I wanted, you see, because someone wanted me to do something, and I have this automatic people-pleasing trigger that goes off when something like this happens, and I tend to "want" to do whatever that person wants me to do. In essence, their wants superimpose on mine, and to me, it looks like that's what I want to do. Except there's this nagging doubt, "Is that really a good idea?"

Half the time, I get so frustrated with trying to figure out if I want to go or if I just want to people-please (which leads to resentment), I just do whatever the other person wants. I can't seem to follow through with telling other people NO. I have this raging fear that they will get mad at me, or they will never ask me again. Or...they will not like me anymore.  Let's be honest. It's really that I do things because I think people like me based on those things. I think I can control whether or not people like me, based on if I do what they want me to do.

This is not true. This is codependency. This is putting other people's agendas ahead of my own. And it's fine in the right context, but this does not happen to be the right context.

After two hours, easily, I had practiced saying no enough that I thought I could do it. I had decided that while I really WANTED to go, I needed to make decisions that are supportive of my goals...which took a long time to articulate. I knew that going to see the movie would prevent me from starting off on the right foot tomorrow, but I hasn't thought about how different my next 24 hours would be if I did the hard thing and said No.

But I did.

And I'm really glad! I'm prepared to go back to work, I'm prepared to go back to the gym tomorrow, I'm prepared to eat clean...and most importantly, I'm more prepared to respond to situations that would throw me off-course. And the biggest thing I learned is to be able to take a time out. If I hadn't had so much time to work it out in my brain, I probably would have just gone. Consequences be damned. But hopefully I will get better at this! In the end, it feels good to put yourself first, even if it is terribly difficult to tell that person No.

And I know I have a thousand more difficult situations coming. Want a glass of wine? No, thanks. Piece of chocolate? Take part in our catered lunch! Come to our picnic!   Come to the Waffle Shop with us!  Would love to, really...

For the next several weeks, maybe even throughout the entire summer, I will be dedicating a lot of time and energy to my own self-care. In addition to plotting to see my belly muscles by my 32nd birthday (June 28, 2012), I am also delving into my creative side. Well, that's not even really encompassing it, though.

I'm working through my Martha Beck books (and more) to really discover more about myself. I'm taking the time to write, draw, and play the piano (15 minutes a day!). I'm not sure what's going to come of it, but so far, some really interesting dreams have popped up (while I'm sleeping-those kinds of dreams).

Anyway, at this point, my goal tomorrow is to drink 90oz of water, get to the gym by 7am, eat my meals every 3 hours, maybe go to Kerry's class at 5:30pm, and be in bed by 9pm. Oh, and blog.

If I succeed, I get some kind of reward. I think it should be...a half an hour of something I enjoy (that I must not allow myself if I do not complete the day), so I think it will be playing the piano!

Maybe Tuesday will be a trip to Michael's!

Week 1, Day 2. I don't feel like blogging.

I don't feel like doing this, but I'm doing it because, as I mentioned yesterday, it is crucial to my success.

So, here's how today went. I didn't get up and go to the gym. I was tired when my alarm clock went off. This is an excuse. It tricked me today, but it won't trick me forever.

I finally rolled out of bed at 7:15am. I ate the breakfast on my plan, minus the banana.

I made myself a pb&j because I have been craving them and didn't want to go back on my plan without satisfying that urge.

Plus, I knew I would be in a school ALL DAY today. I wanted to make sure I didn't feel unsatisfied with my meal, and I knew I couldn't exactly cook a burger there. But...now that I think of it, there were definitely ways around that...if I WANTED to find them.

But here's the thing. This nausea that I am experiencing is real.

I keep saying that I'm making excuses to not eat healthy, but when I ate my lunch today, all I wanted was bready food.

Then I went in search of a slice of pizza. But when I started eating it, I felt absolutely ill. At 11am, I felt SO crappy. Headache, tired, and nauseous.

I finished my day at the school, had therapy, which went SO FAST, and had to cancel my appt to get my taxes done because I couldn't get my W-2 form from Macy's.

But it was ok, because I was SO TIRED. I literally came home, warmed up in the bath tub, and laid in bed. And I've been here ever since, happy as a clam.

I did get out of bed to eat the second slice of pizza that I couldn't eat at lunch. And then I had a tuna fish sandwich.

But I have been dozing ever since, and I'm sure I will have no problem sleeping tonight.

I weighed in at 131.8 today, by the way. And my triceps and abs are sore from Kerry's class...which is always a good feeling. Here's hoping for a better tomorrow.

Week 1, Day 1. Let's try this again. 2/20/2012

I have been struggling. I have been struggling with finding a reason to work so hard to get down to 120lbs. I couldn't remember WHY I enter that so desperately. I had small moments of clarity and I would remember how awesome I felt when I would make out through an entire week of eating right and exercising when I was supposed to...for the most part. It felt so awesome to look back at a string of successes. The weight loss, if it happened, was not HALF as satisfying as collecting a pile of gold stars for setting a goal and achieving it.

Lately I have had a HUNDRED reasons to make excuses to do what I feel like. Which means: lay in bed, watch Dexter, eat whatever I want and drink alcohol (as a responsible adult, of course).  For example, I have plenty of attention from men these days...which was something I really wasn't getting before. I felt pretty invisible. I also am experiencing some kind of crazy allergic reaction that has been so bad I have had an unstoppable runny nose and lingering, mild nausea for at least a week. I even took a pregnancy test. I did not feel good. I still have those symptoms, but I know I a just using then as an excuse to avoid eating well and working out.

Pregnancy test was negative, by the way. Of course it was. I don't even know why I took it, other than they are fun.  It would not have been so fun if, for example, my period was late, or I had some other actual symptom of pregnancy. Because, believe it or not, nausea BEFORE your period is late IS NOT an indicator of a pregnancy. I can't be the only 31-year-old female who takes pregnancy tests for fun. So I figured I'd put it out there. He he he.

Anyway, some recent events have catapulted me back to the place where I remember why I am willing to eat well and work out regularly to get down to 120lbs. 

I WANT TO SEE MY BELLY MUSCLES!
I WANT TO WEAR A BIKINI AND FEEL DAMN GOOD IN IT!

So what happened?
SPRING. Spring happened. And it didn't just happen to me. When I got to the gym tonight, that parking lot was full.

Another thing happened though.  I had a good talk with my roommate, and somehow that lifted something off of me. The following day, I felt like I could just pay attention to myself again. I'm sure that my habit of attending to other people in my space, as opposed to making space for myself, was what made me stray from my goals. But after talking to my roommate, I just really felt a thousand times better and able to refocus on myself.

Those two things were enough.
Kind of.

I had BIG PLANS yesterday of getting up at 5am and hitting the gym.

Unfortunately, I didn't wake up bouncing out of bed. I can back up even farther and tell you that I didn't even set my alarm for 5am because I had no real intention of getting up that early. You see, I didn't go to bed until 10am. And, for some reason I have been low energy and tired lately.

Now, if I learned anything from Amy about health and fitness, I would venture a pretty confident guess that my high fat, high sugar diet, coupled with very little exercise is PROBABLY why I am so tired. I'd prefer to blame it on an allergic reaction or take another pregnancy test but...well...that would just waste all of our time, now wouldn't it?

So, that's the third additional, and unnecessary catalyst that helped kick me back on my plan. I want the feeling I had when I was taking good care of myself.

What I know I need to do is:
1. Have a regular bedtime of 9:00-9:30.
2. Plan my day and my meals.
3. BLOG DAILY. I CANNOT OVERSTATE HOW CRITICAL THIS IS.
4. Work out daily.
5. Visualize twice a day. Once upon waking, and right before I go to bed.
6. Set daily, weekly, monthly, and long term goals. Put them in a place where I can see them. Check them off, revise them. Keep them in my daily routine.
7. Go back to weekly photo shoots. This is a must.

Now I'm ready to wrap up. I weighed in today at 132 and change. I ate lots of salty food at Green Bowl yesterday and Saturday. I even ate two butternut donuts from Dunkin. And I gave Maybelle a couple of chunks. Who knew cats would eat that?

Today, I ate a very nice breakfast: d egg whites, 1 yolk. 1/3 cup oatmeal. But I didn't have room for the banana. So I took the banana, some fish, some hamburger, and ezekiel bread to work.

I didn't follow my plan. At 11 I ate my banana and then wondered what kind of yummy food I would have for lunch.  To be honest, I was feeling a little nauseous again. That, however, does not excuse the fact that I devoured an entire Five Guys meal. Every last french fry. Then I had some Keebler cookies. I didn't even count. Yes, I would be lying if I said that had ANYTHING to do with nausea.

Of course, for the rest of the day, I felt like shit. Seriously, I wanted to sleep on my desk.

Oh! And I accidentally left my soda at Five Guys, so do you think I took that as a lucky break to not be tempted to drink the Sweat of Satan? No.

I asked my lovely office mate, who was headed to the soda machine, to please get me a Mountain Dew. Unfortunately, we were out of Mountain Dew. So she got me a Diet Pepsi. And I drank every last drop.

By the time 5pm rolled around, I thought, "Hmmm. You've got to stop this. You will turn this while thing around if you just go to Kerry's class tonight.  You'll be surrounded by all those women, and you will feel like you could do ANYTHING."

Then my brain kicked in and said, "But I'm TIRED. Oh, I just can't IMAGINE getting through a whole class, I'm just so TIRED."

Lucky for me, my brain had already lost the battle. I knew I wasn't really tired, I just hadn't tapped into my energy.

So I went. And let me tell you, I will NEVER eat Five Guys on a day when I am going to work out. That sat on my belly like a brick. Ugh it was AWFUL to try and do all that jumping!

But at the end of the class, I was SO HAPPY I made it all the way through! I had serious doubts that I would because of the way the Five Guys was making me feel.

And, I'm such a teacher's pet. I am SO RESPONSIVE to the instructor paying attention to me. I will work so hard to get attention! And Kerry paid attention to me so...well I think it was pretty amazing what I was able to do while experiencing that much pain.

So. Here's to a good day tomorrow. I'm getting up and going to the gym before work, and probably showering there and making my breakfast at work.

I will have to work really hard to eat regular meals and drink my 90 ounces of water, but I am also confident that I will succeed.

I'm not sure where my picture will end up, but it's my visualization piece for tonight.

Week 1, Day 1. I'm starting anew.

I tried to look at my old posts to figure out what week I would be in, but apparently I wasn't very accurate. In December, I said I was in Week 29, and in January, I said I was in Week 25. So, I'm starting fresh.
It makes sense to start fresh anyway. I've had a dozen starts that don't even last one day. Finally, FINALLY today I stayed on track. Amy helped me a lot.
I'm finding that I'm having a harder and harder time staying dedicated when I am around other people. It's like I abandon my goals and attend to the other people.
Lucky for me, my roommate went out of town for a couple of days and I got some serious alone time. I do need to figure out how to maintain my discipline around other people, but the timing for me to have the apartment all to myself was perfect.
I am really tired, which is why this isn't saying much.
I'm going to go to bed, and tomorrow my goal is to eat clean and go to Amy's class.