Week 3, Day 7

I failed to blog last night because I spent too much time chatting with a friend/colleague/partner in the work I do- at Wegman's. 

However, I made it my personal mission today to carve out some time to be ALONE today. All the time I had did that yesterday, I have away in some fashion. 

So, here it is, 7:10pm and I'm in bed. So happily in bed. I've spent most of the past two weeks TIRED. Luckily this weekend I managed to get 8 hours of sleep Friday and Saturday nights, but Saturday yoga ALWAYS wears me out, and Green Bowl on Sundays always wears me out, even though I don't work that hard. I think it's just that I am mentally depleted. 

Anyway, I had an experience during Saturday yoga that I really wanted to explore. I'd like to write an extended blog about it, but I haven't yet. The front of the studio is all glass, and even though its difficult to see in, when I had to roll out my mat close to the windows, I really had a reaction. I didn't realize what an impact it would have on me, but this fear came to life that someone I knew would walk by while I was doing yoga and would be able to see and identify me. I was particularly worried that a SPECIFIC person would see me. It really uncovered my vulnerability in this aspect: I realized that I consistently believe I am the worst student in the class. It would be one thing if this person, or even other people I know, saw me doing REALLY AWESOME MOVES.  You know THAT would be different. I could be proud, easily. But because I see myself in such a negative light all I could do was keep an eye out...but the impact it had on me mentally was terrible. I certainly suffered through that class. I wanted to be mad at someone, but I knew it was ALL ME. I tried to change the perspective, like, "Hey, even if I'm the *worst* student in the class, I'm still IN THE CLASS. Anyone who is walking by has NO RIGHT to judge." But that didn't work. Because I also have this belief that the *specific* person I was worried about could probably do this yoga class better than I can, even if she'd never done it before.  But I know that's horseshit, because that class is HARD. I just hold onto the belief that she is mentally stronger than I am. But then I caught myself comparing an imaginary situation to my REAL situation and I thought, "Comparison is the thief of joy."  Which put me right back to being afraid of someone seeing me be the worst student in a class of 12 people. Or just looking awkward instead of elegant. So, I'm making it my mission this week to identify and eliminate those self-defeating thoughts, beliefs, and practices that I noticed during yoga. Because, it actually all made me perform WORSE. no surprise there though. I need to remind myself that I do push to my edge and beyond, and that's. all that counts. All I can do is focus on me. And with that, I'm going to sleep.