Anyway, I did something today that was kind of incredible. I had every intention of going to Kerry's Saturday yoga class since last week. I committed myself to yoga once a week, and this class fit right into my schedule. However, last night I started feeling resistance, and nagging thoughts of, "I don't wanna go! I'm gonna have to work hard in there!" But, I went to bed early and figured the sleep would change my attitude.
I woke up at 5am, like I normally do, and was seized with anxiety (not terribly abnormal, but hasn't happened in awhile) due to a "situation". Well, to be fair, I didn't actually know that there WAS a situation, I was just AFRAID there was. And even if there was, it was the type of thing that I would simply have to wait and find out about. I could get into the details, but it's pointless. I tend to go full panic when anything is off-kilter...the other day someone posted on Facebook that one of my friends was dead bc they weren't returning texts...I could not be satisfied that this was not true until I saw signs of life from that friend. I do this kind of thing to myself every once in awhile (I suppose it was just convenient that it JUST SO HAPPENED when I was supposed to go to a yoga class I was resisting.)
What's more, I didn't have my car. I thought it might be returned by the time I needed to leave for class, but I couldn't be sure.
All I wanted to do was sit in my panic, which would wax and wane, until I heard that either things were ok, or they weren't. In fact, it was difficult for me to do anything at all.
At 7:45am, I decided a walk would do me good. Maybe by the time I took a walk, all would be resolved, I thought. I got dressed in jeans and realized that if my car was NOT back by 8am, then I would have to walk to the gym, and that would take 20 minutes, and I needed to be at class by 8:10am to get a spot (or so I tell myself). So, I decided that I would change into my yoga clothes, and take my walk straight to the gym. I didn't take my water bottle because I didn't know how cold it would be outside, and I figured I could just buy a water when I got to the gym. (Also convenient that I didn't plan to have water.)
Well. By the time I had gotten to the gym, the anxiety and resistance mounted because I did not want to be away from my phone at all, and certainly not for 90 minutes. If the disaster(s) I had dreamt up were true, I wanted to be available the INSTANT I got the word. And when I say disaster, I mean: One such scenario was "What if ....... is dying in the hospital in the 2 hours you are in yoga, and when you get out, you'll learn that you lost your last opportunity to..." Do you see what I do to myself?
Even I was starting to recognize it. I tried to keep reminding myself that those things that scare me are probably not true. But, as I walked up to the door of the gym, I realized that I had left my wallet at home. My first thoughts were: "Welp. Too bad. I'll have to go home now. Don't have a choice. Can't do hot yoga without water, nope, sure can't." And I just kept right on walking. I even saw other people I recognized from the class. I just tried not to make eye contact and started heading home. But, the sense of "I found a way out" was just too obvious to be ignored.
THIS WAS NOT ABOUT WATER.
This was because I prefer to sit in my panic and wait to hear that everything is fine, and then be angry at SOMEONE ELSE, BLAME SOMEONE ELSE for missing yoga. No, actually, I think THIS WAS ONLY ABOUT GETTING OUT OF YOGA. And guess what? It would not be anyone's fault but mine if I missed it. It would be because I found a way out. Which I almost did.
While I was walking away, I realized that I had a ten dollar bill in my purse from babysitting Thursday night. My next out was, "Maybe I don't have any classes left on my class card...shit. I have enough money to cover a class. Hm. Looks like I'm going."
And the final hurdle. I get to the studio door, and there are lots of people, and I am ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR EVIDENCE THAT THERE'S NO ROOM. Didn't I just say last week how blown away I was that my expectation was so wrong? That the approach is to welcome and make room for all? There is almost no such thing as not enough room. It was my last ditch effort. And I overcame it.
I walked in. I grabbed a mat, a block, and a strap. I found a place. I planted. I stayed the whole time. I fretted about 20 oz of water not being enough. But I stayed, I practiced, and I lived to see another day.
And I am glad I did. Thrilled I did, even. The message today was, "You have the right to be here. You have the right to take up space. You matter. I matter." I heard that loud and clear. Hearing it isn't enough, though. I have to practice it in my life. Stop apologizing for my presence. Stop apologizing to be polite, to get out of a compliment, whatever the case may be. Stop apologizing all the freaking time!!!
Anyway. Big day today. If I can make it to yoga when I am convinced that someone is dying in the hospital (no one was hurt, by the way, absolutely not a GD THING was wrong), I don't have my car, I forgot my water, and in general I don't feel 'in the mood' to be challenged...Well, if I can do that, then I think I might have just created a habit that serves me.
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