Week 3, Day 6. Re-balancing.

I've been going too hard for a couple of days and I'm out if balance. I'm sleeping until I wake up tomorrow and starting fresh.

Week 4, Day 6. I needed a time out.

This week has been so full and stressful. From Wednesday on, I was just absolutely toasted. I had moment today that helped me take a break. You've all had these moments.

I was dumping rice from a table I just cleared into the sink, instead of the garbage can...which was right next to me.  The dishwasher guy (who I love, funny as hell) tried to stop me. Once, by offering to take the dishes out of my hand-of course I just ignored him, thinking "I can do this for him, I'm not a lazy server." Ha! Then he tried to catch the rice as I was dumping it into the sink, to do some damage control. It all happened quickly and non-verbally...probably because the dish guy was in worse shape than I was. I don't know what snapped me out of the trance I was in, but when I did, I felt like I had been sleep-walking. I thought, "Wow, Betsy. Is this enough  to convince you to take a break???"

The rest of the day at work was miserable, of course, because I was functioning at a very low level. No WONDER I couldn't eat well! I really needed some restorative care!

Did I say how much the rest of the day sucked? I have really been out of balance lately. I'm doing too much. I'm not doing enough self-care.

I was reminded today if how great I felt when I got down to 127lbs.

I just need to pull on the many MANY things I've learned in the past year and get back on track.

The most important thing is to remove barriers and do this on clockwork fashion. I must set aside some time tomorrow to cook my food for the week.

Then, every three hours, I'll eat. I'll make sure I drink enough water. I'll work out before breakfast. It's GOT to become a priority again.

Right now, sleep is a priority. That's the first step.

Week 4, Day 4. I feel like utter shit. It might have been the ice cream I had for breakfast.

Full disclosure: I think my plan this week was to destroy any progress I have ever made.

Ok, here's the deal. I love my job. I love talking to people about abuse. I am an attention whore. These two things came together this week when I was getting a lot of attention for doing my job.

In fact, really good things happened this week, including that I was interviewed on camera as part of my job. It was just a blip on our local tv station, but still! That had never happened to me before!

Anyway, while this is really exciting and I like it, it's also nerve-wracking and stressful. I haven't been taking good care of myself. I haven't been sleeping, working out or eating well. I've also had a drink or two...which is really REALLY not part of my self-care...it robs me of sleep and makes me crave salt and fat together.

I don't know what to say, though.

I feel like shit. Physically and emotionally. While I had these accomplishments recently, I let me work me into the ground. I worked past the level of stress I could handle, and then I binged on food to alleviate the stress.

I WOKE UP stressed this morning. So I had ice cream as I headed out the door. What I really need is a lot of sleep. And I need to learn how to balance.

There are so many MANY things I want to learn about and DO!

Cleaning my apartment is not one of those things, just for clarification's sake.

I suppose I could just admit how I'm feeling right now. I ate the Lemon Grass chicken entrée from Cozy Thai at 6pm tonight. I overate. I still feel like shit because of it. Yet, I am drinking a beer because I'm stressed, but it's too dark and I'm still too full to go run. But I feel like I have the energy of a scared pack of zebras. I could probably run up and down my stairs to get done of this nervous energy out.

It's not just nervous energy though. I'm GRUMPY. I don't like the way my body feels. I'm irritated. I want a long shower.

I want to undo all the things I did the past three days.

If I could go back and change things...I'd start with Tuesday evening. I came home at 9:30pm, and I was SO STRESSED. I drank a couple of beers while I watched a movie to "unwind". These are examples of TWO BAD CHOICES. The movie was North Country and it was about the lifetime victimization of a woman by the people in her life. And beer? Beer is never a good choice.

I'm having one now.  Oops. Oh well.

Anyway. It would have taken some effort, but it would have been a better choice to sit at my table and write. Then gone to bed at a decent hour. Because between the beer and the movie, I was up until...late. That night set me off balance until now.

So, I'm taking some corrective measures. First, I'm writing my blog. Secondly, I'm only having one beer, even though I would love more, and I'm going to go to bed at a decent hour.

Mainly, though, I have got to find a way to make healthier choices when I'm stressed.

When I'm stressed, I tend to let go of things. I say to myself-"My self-discipline muscle is tired." Which grants me permission to do whatever I want. Like eat ice cream for breakfast.

Well. I don't know what tomorrow is going to look like, other than I will work 9-5. I've got to take this one step at a time. The first step is getting some sleep.

Although I have a confession to make before I finish this blog. I hate myself right now. I feel full and disgusting, like I'm never going to be hungry again. I'm disappointed in myself. I feel like I could rip off all of my skin and scream out of frustration.

IT'S GOING TO TAKE SO MUCH WORK JUST TO GET BACK TO WHERE I WAS!!! WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF!!! WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN TO AMY AND MAKE GOOD CHOICES IN DIFFICULT MOMENTS!!! I DON'T WANT TO KEEP GAINING WEIGHT LIKE I'M PREGNANT!!!

I could cry out of frustration.

I'm back to the place that I remembered why I started this in the first place. I COULD. NOT. STAND. my body anymore. Or, rather, how I felt in it.

I'm back there.

Well, wait. I just remembered that the body responds to consistency. If I can commit to two weeks of staying on a clean eating plan NO MATTER WHAT, then I can assume I will feel better about myself in two short weeks.

And the weeks ARE short. I so easily forget that time passes, and it passes so quickly. I just have to make choices that will move me toward my goal, consistently. In the face of high stress, I've just got to make a choice that is in line with my goals.

Alright. First. Rest. Second. Exercise. Third. Eat clean. Consistently.

Week 4, Day 2. Short.

I've been having problems getting my posts to publish lately.
I will say that today was a long and challenging day. I managed to avoid drinking and eating fast food. I did not eat perfectly, but I did meet my need for alone time and rest. I'm going to do some more of that now.
Plan for tomorrow is running before breakfast.

Week 3, Day 4. Confession. No. Confessions.

Well.  It's safe to say I fell off my plan.

I had a BLAST at the Nature Inn at Bald Eagle State Park.  It was hot and humid, so I sat on my deck and relaxed.  I watched a deer for a while.

I also drank beer.  3 of them.  I talked to my brother, I made s'mores.  I tried to take a feral cat home with me.  I thought better of it, though.

The following day, I felt I had been cheated out of my cheat day (I didn't intend to cheat, but I was unprepared for the food options), so I went to Waffle Shop.  Then, later, Chick-fil-a. 

I also skimped on sleep one night because I had a presentation to give and I needed to prepare myself for it so that I could do a great job.  I did do a great job, but the lack of sleep hurt my determination to eat well. 

I made it to Amy's class on Wednesday, and I KILLED IT!  I couldn't believe that I was so tired and yet performing really well!  It gave me a new sense of what my body is capable of.  It didn't hurt that I got lots of encouragement from Amy. :)

Then I went to a friend's place for an art class, which was AWESOME!!!  And, she had coconut margaritas.  I resisted for a half-hour, but then (I blame sleep deprivation.  I would never last as a parent.) I ended up having one.  And some wine.  And later a beer.  And even later, three slices of pizza.

So.  Today was a new day.  I started it off not so great.  Woke up exhausted, no time to cook.  So I ate a breakfast special from Irving's.  Double Egg!  Then the day just went so fast!  I ended up trying to make good choices at Wegman's. 

I did manage to make myself a chicken ceasar salad with romaine and spinach.  However, I also bought a slice of pizza, a chocolate chip cookie, and I bought a mocha frappuccino at Starbucks. 

I think I'm ready for some food that is fuel and that helps me stay even.  I've just got to get the ball rolling.  You can see I even fell off the blogging wagon.  Although I did type up a blog last night whilst under the influence.  By some small miracle, it failed to publish.  Lucky me!

So.  The first step is self-care.  Getting to bed at a decent hour.  That is my next goal.

Week 3, Day 7. Ate clean, tomorrow is my mini-vacation!

It's LATE again, so I'll make it quick.
I got weird sleep last night, but I got up and went for a little run before breakfast anyway. Just a half hour, just to get used to working out before breakfast.

But, that meant I didn't eat breakfast until 10:30ish. I'm pretty sure it's important to eat AT THE SAME TIMES EVERY DAY. But I did my best with it. I'll do better tomorrow, and the next day, even.

After I ate my second meal, I fell asleep waiting for my friend to come over to house sit while I'm gone. Really, I just want someone to keep Maybelle company. ;) I'm a certified cat lady now, hahaha.

The nap was really nice, but I woke up with a headache, which might have been caffeine-related, but I managed not to have any coffee today!

Anyway, I ate clean UNTIL I had a bag of dried cranberries, almonds, and sunflower seeds in front of me. I ate them until they were gone.

I think I was triggered into stress-eating because I knew I was going to see The Avengers and I wouldn't have the right amount of time to est a 4th meal AND I would have to resist soda and popcorn. That stressed me out, I think. I let myself eat mindlessly.

The cranberries were quite a treat, and I'm sure that didn't help my runaway train of eating. All said and done, it was probably 1,000 calories. Maybe 1500. Yikes. I don't like admitting that.

But I saw The Avengers and it was awesome! Best movie...maybe ever. Except maybe for The Wizard of Oz. Hahaha.

Anyway, I'm all prepped food wise for tomorrow and eating clean, and then I can CHEAT on Tuesday!!! I'm so excited to stay at the inn!

One thing I did make sure I did was take my shot of vinegar. I never did that regularly, but I'm finding it really does keep you balanced. I'm going to try to do it daily. See what it does for me.

Ok, well that's all! Celebrating tomorrow!!!

Week 3, Day 6. Long day.

I was too busy watching a movie to go to bed at a normal hour last night, and I appear to be repeating the pattern tonight, so quick blog.

I got up and ran before work today! Yay! So I got to buy myself colored pencils from Michaels!

I ate clean today except I did have almost half of a diet pepsi to keep me awake on my trip home.

Really don't have much to say except I have a lot of work to do before I get to stay at Bald Eagle.

Well I can say that I'm getting used to eating clean. Twice this week, I ate tuna out of the can. I'm feeling SKINNY AGAIN! Today I weighed 132.0, down two pounds from yesterday, but I don't expect that to last.

Tonight I'm detoxing with vinegar so that the diet pepsi doesn't screw with my system all night. Good night!