Week 22 Day 7. Decent day.

I had a strange night last night. I slept until 1pm on Saturday, and that was GREAT. Then I eventually went to the gym and did my laundry, then went straight to work.

I was worried that I would have trouble falling asleep, but I totally didn't. Unfortunately I woke up at 4:30am ready to take on the world. Only, I couldn't think of something to reasonably tackle at 4:30am.

So, I got some much-needed reading done, and eventually fell back to sleep in a wonderful kind of way.

At 7am.

Which means I skipped the gym.

I crawled out of bed at 9:57am, and I was supposed to be at work at 10am.  So, I certainly didn't get to live up to my goal of always leaving my house looking my best.

Anyway, I ate well all day.  But I was on such a hurry to there, I forgot to weigh myself. I never forget that! I love my data!

Anyway, so I got to work, and immediately got some Saints' coffee. I would have been better off if I hadn't, but I turned out ok.

I ate three clean meals  despite REALLY wanting some french toast or pancakes.

I did then drink another coffee later. But I managed to say no to the donuts!

After work, I skipped the gym again. I told myself something like, "I'm tired" "It doesn't really matter if I go tonight" "I don't have time".  All of which is just my brain saying, "I don't feel like it, so I'm going to convince you it's ok."

I did, however, get some groceries and de-cluttered my room.

That felt awesome. Now I'm going to read until I fall asleep, and hit the gym before work in the morning!

Week 22, Day 6. Getting back in my routine.

I slept until 1pm today. It was  great and I needed it. I just wasn't prepared for how much I would want to CONTINUE laying around after I woke up.

I finally, after making breakfast and sipping my tea, AND reading my book, I finally decided to get my ass to the gym. I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO.

I also had to do my laundry, and I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO.

But, I knew I just had to get the ball rolling, as Amy would say.

The summary is that I ate clean all day long, with the exception of getting coffee before work, and I did 20 pops...quality pops! I could even still run at 9mph!

Tomorrow my goal is to get to the gym before breakfast, eat clean all day, and be in bed by 9:30am.

I've got an early morning monday, and I want to get back into working out before breakfast.

Week 22, Day 5. I've been a bad bad girl.

I forgot how much it sucks to be honest about your weight loss efforts when you're not making much of an effort.

Here was my day.

I didn't get up and go to the gym. I was exhausted. Amy gave me a plan that I could have used to get 20 minutes of exercise in, but as it turned out, I didn't even have enough time to put my make up on and do my hair for work, which is important.

At the conference I went to, they stressed how important it is that every time you leave your house, you look your very best.

This is not something I've  mastered, in fact, I almost never do my hair and make up any more, because there are a  thousand other things I'd rather be doing.  Plus the feminist in me says "Guys aren't wasting their life doing their hair and make up. This is a conspiracy, and I won't be fooled!"

So, my point is, I was very disappointed when my one day streak of following this advice was over. Better luck tomorrow.

So...day started out hectic after I got out of bed at 8am. Barrier had enough time to cook and get ready for work, THEN my car was covered with frost, and I was almost late to work, which would have been very bad, so I was more stressed.  I really wanted coffee, but I ran out time for that too.

As I sat at my desk, it occurred to me that I was REALLY tired. By the end of my first meeting I was ready to dive face-first into fat and sugar.

But, I couldn't because I had to wait for other people to cover the office. That was at 11:30am.  Now, I had my food. I could have cooked it and are it.

Did I?

No.

I waited until 1:30 or so, when we had coverage, and matched right to the Indian restaurant and ate the buffet. White rice, naan, paneer, butter chicken, etc.

Then I went to Dunkin Donuts and got coffee with CREAM AND SUGAR and 3 donuts. Two old-fashioneds (the extra one was a mistake, but I ate it anyway) and a bavarian cream-filled.

I forgot to mention that I had developed a pretty raging headache by 11am that I couldn't shake. This didn't help.

I went back to the office and  as you can imagine, had a food coma for the rest of the day. I couldn't IMAGINE working at Green Bowl all night. 

But I did.

And I ate there too, at about 8pm.  I had noodles and vegetables and 4 different scoops of sauce including sesame oil. I just didn't care!

As Mel Robbins would say, "I simply did what I felt like doing." And what I felt like doing was apparently sabotaging my weight loss, because after work, at 10:30pm, I went to Kiwi!

I have NEVER had such a day.

I think two key things are:
1) Get enough rest.
2) Do not let work stress derail my plan for the day.

I can only hope that my coach doesn't disown me for this.

Tonight, I'm going to get rested.  There was at least one night in the recent past that I only got 3 hours of sleep...come to think of it, there were 3 nights in a row.

Maybe it's just catching up with me, because I can't remember a time that was quite that bad.

My first priority is to rest. My second priority is to workout.  My third priority is to eat clean tomorrow.

Maybe treat today like a cheat day. Although, it wasn't cheating, it was totally self-medicating with food.

I will have to talk with Amy to see how to get thought work stress, but blogging definitely helps. I mean, just now, I have reviewed my day, and in so doing, I have de-stressed and looked for ways to be more successful.

Looks like blogging will become a daily thing again.
Maybe I will also revisit my goals.

Week 22, Day 4.

So, I can't believe it's been a month since Amy put me on my 2 a day workouts!

I've really lost my focus. For the past 6 days I've just disregarded my diet and workouts.

Oh no.

I just realized that the reason I'm not gaining anything pounds wise us because I'm sure I'm losing muscle mass.

Crap.

But, I've made the decision to get back on track, no matter how I feel, no matter how stressed out I am, no matter what.

I am still around 130-131, but I REALLY need to respect my diet and workout schedule. 

Tomorrow, I will eat clean.  I would like to work out too, so I will have to get up at 7am to get to the gym and then I can make my breakfast at work. I definitely need to lift some weights and do some serious cardio.

And, I will have to start blogging more regularly to keep myself accountable.

Bedtime.

Week 18, Day 2! Pictures!

I haven't written in a week. Mainly because I was in a rut. I was crashing mid day, having 10 chocolates, and on some days, even getting donuts from Dunkin' Donuts. I didn't really gain, I only went up as high as 132.5, which is amazing to say!

So this week, Amy got me remotivated by changing things up. On MWF I have double workouts. One before work, and one after work, then on TRS, I don't work out. That's more to it than that, but that's about the jist of it.

Anyway, I did great my first two days! Now, I just need to get up at 545 tomorrow so I can get my workout in and eat by 7am.

And I decided to take pictures again, because it's been awhile, and my roommate could help with that.

I'm kind of in this place where I have forgotten that I lost 15 pounds. I almost feel like I look the same as I did before I lost that 15 pounds. It's a very strange place to be.

It's not unless someone tells me that I *believe* that the weight did not creep back up on me. I don't quite know what to make of it.

It also makes visualization of seeing my belly muscles that much harder. But, I'm just gonna fake it til I make it.

Here's my pics!

Week 17, Day 2. Bad day.

Today, I felt bad. I was overly tired, my sleep was interrupted, and the last place I wanted to go was work.

I have so many other things to take care of!

I tried to sleep more, but the balance  between enough sleep and eating on time got to me. So I got up and ate.

I spent my entire day avoiding things. It was exhausting.

Finally, at 4pm, I ate a mini Mr. Goodbar. Then I ate 4 more. Then I vowed to stop.

Did some more work.

Then I ate another Mr. Goodbar. Then I ate another 4.

Then I realized I wasn't going to be able to finish a project before class. Irritating!  And, I realized how late it was, and that I didn't have time to cook my food before class.

So I decided to go to Panera. This had more to do with self-medicating with food than time restraints.

I had the sierra turkey sandwich and the creamy tomato soup.
But I didn't even get to enjoy it/dive head first into the dizzying taste of carbs and fat, because of time.

Extremely irritating.

So I had a diet pepsi too.

I also got a parking ticket. $15. Ugh.

So, I may have prevented myself from seeing 129 this week.

To remedy this, I am going to bed and getting rested.

Goodnight!

Week 16, Day 4. Did Something Different Today!

So, I've been criticized before for putting stuff that is too personal on the internet for all to see.

And I'm about to do it again.

But with better taste this time, I suppose.

I mentioned that I've been having a hard time emotionally lately, and that I learned that I respond to situations in ways that are codependent.  I'm finding that this is hugely relevant to my ultimate goal of seeing my belly muscles.

You see, when I got close to my goal, close to the possibility that it could actually happen, I took a nose dive off the program for a couple of days. Or, I let someone else's behavior determine whether I stayed on the program or whether I dove face first into  donuts.

Or, if I was feeling down, I would let that determine if I would honor my commitment to the gym that day.

In the past, I've called that "taking care of myself", and sometimes it might just be that.

However, in my reading today, I discovered that one codependent behavior is to let upsetting news (doesn't even have to involve you) throw you off your routine.

See, I went back to my therapist for the first time in a few months today. She's so awesome. And, as you do in therapy, I revealed a part of me that was hurting, and I cried. This is progress. It's taken a long time to cry in front of someone, because I'm afraid they will make fun of me. Even, my therapist.

So I did that today and it was good.  But after the appointment, I knew I wasn't done. I had opened the floodgates. So I went home and cried some more.

After I was done, I thought, a nap will be so good right now. And it's self-care, so it's ok if you skip your workout.

Only I knew it wasn't ok. I've list muscle mass, and I need to regain it, not to mention I'm coming down to my last ten pounds, I need all the lean muscle mass and body-shocking workouts I can handle.

A happy medium was to read one of my books on codependency. It was then that I realized I was letting something upsetting destroy my routine. And it's connection to not actually believing I deserve good things was immediately clear.

So, I did something different. I got up and went to the gym. I even took care of two errands I've been avoiding for more than two weeks.

I EVEN challenged myself to stay on the elliptical when I felt like giving up.
The result? One lifting session (tiny, but better than nothing) and 24 minutes of pops. I didn't think I could even do 5 minutes, but I hung in there. I hadn't eaten since 11am because all the crying just ruined my appetite. 

So I was actually feeling pretty weak and shaky. That's why I did the pops on the elliptical, not the treadmill. I could just see my knees buckling and me hitting the belt face first and getting a terrible rugburn. No, thank you.

So, I did it! I felt VERY accomplished and capable afterward.

Unfortunately, I did get overly hungry and had 5 Hershey's mini chocolate bars. And a diet pepsi, if I want to come totally clean.

But I ate my two meals of lean protein and vegetables, finished out my day strong, and I'm in bed on time, easy to crank out another good day tomorrow!

I'm looking to build on these behaviors, because now I feel like the only thing that will get in my way of seeing my belly muscles is my emotional health. So I'm getting healthy!

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