Week 5, Day 7. I took care of myself today!

I have so much to say about today, but not a lot of time.

First off, I weighed in at  132.6. So I believe I'm at my set weight.

This means that from here, making the fat shed off will require serious diligence and effort. Focus, if you will, and determination.

Last night, I REALLY wanted a beer. I just couldn't wind down after all the chaos with attempting to cancel my dish network service (terrible company, I felt bad for the people who sought employment there, god knows their lives must be hell based on what I experienced.)

Anyway, I'm so glad I DIDN'T have a beer because Amy reminded me that alcohol will DESTROY my progress. And when I woke up and weighed in, I knew I had definitely made this weight loss easier by choosing not to have alcohol.

But today. Today I slept until 10am because I was up late. I ate breakfast and checked in with Amy and another friend, and got groceries.

By the time I got back, it was time to eat again. But I hadn't worked out yet, so I decided to postpone my meal to ensure that I got a workout in.

Amy suggested that I do a set of wind sprints with pushups. So I'd warm up, sprint for 30 seconds, drop and do 8 solid pushups, and recover for 90 seconds, do it all over again. Only 8 times today.

Well. That was really challenging. I was tired from not eating. It was hot at 2pm. And I was so out of breath after the sprinting that I would TRY to do the pushups, but after two, I would fall to my knees. So, I caught my breath, did the pushups, walked for 90 seconds, and repeated 8 times. Plus warm up and cool down with stretching, of course.

The last two, I had to use some visualization. It was just too easy to not run as hard as I could. So I imagined Amy running a little ahead of me, and encouraging me to let it fly.

It was at that point during the workout that I really appreciated how powerful positive feedback is. Because of the way Amy has approached me, I have more confidence and I trust her completely. There's no fear or anything negative...and it radically changes the way I talk to myself. I've started to wonder if negative feedback is ever appropriate. It seems it can't be as effective as positive feedback. It would undermine the person in many different ways. I don't know. I'm just trying to incorporate more positive feedback into my own life.

Anyway, I made it through. And I was SO SO happy. And I promised myself a reward.

I came home and immediately made myself shrimp pan-fried in coconut oil, and it was heaven on earth. Maybelle says so too. I also ate a ton of raw spinach and cauliflower, and then I had a kale shake with broccoli and wheatgrass and a few green organic grapes (that were so delicious...I ate a total of ten while the kale shake was blending.

I forgot to mention. I was so whooped after that workout, I couldn't even will myself to jog home. I was SO low energy. I knew it was because I hadn't eaten, but I was hoping the workout would at least boost my metabolism. I practically CRAWLED home. I tried to use Martha Beck's wordlessness techniques since I was so tired. It's pretty difficult to STAY there, but I guess the important thing is to keep trying.

I did get to appreciate some really beautiful plants on the way home though, since I ran on the golf course.

I promised myself a reward, and since I've been DYING to go to Barnes and Noble, that was my reward.

Since I had alone time and didn't have to work today, I got to read some of Chalene Johnson's book, Push.

I've noticed that I have this hang up that since I didn't come from a wealthy/elite background, I worry/am convinced I will never reach this goal or any other goal that requires commitment and dedication.

However, Chalene had some magic words in her book that Any has been trying to tell me all along. The way she said it fits with my stereotype of "successful" people. I want to be one of those people who has it all together. They take care of themselves, they show up at work and get noticed, and can still make time for friends. Now, I know if I had kids, my definition of success would change, and hopefully it does BEFORE that, too, because it's pretty narrow. I know that. I have issues that I work through with a therapist. But this is where I am now.

Anyway, Chalene says that exercise comes first thing in the day. (Well, duh. Amy's been telling me that, but I hit snooze for an hour.) Then she said STOP HITTING SNOOZE. I know you already made up your mind to set your alarm and sleep through it. No more. Successful people get up earlier than the rest of the world (I know this is kind of able-ist and insulting to people who have issues that don't make this possible, but it motivated me). In my case, I can label myself a "successful person" now because I can behave like one!

This is HUGE!

My hang up about who I am just disappeared. Who am I? Well if I can get up and workout at 5:30am everyday, then I am a successful person.

This rings true on other levels too. When I first started going to the gym...maybe 8 years ago, I remembered thinking that the other people in the gym must be really important people because they took such good care of themselves. I wanted to be like them. And now I'm finding out that I am, and I was all along!

Anyway. Maybelle just rolled over and off her pillow and is now making it difficult for me to continue, so I think this will do.

Good night.

And I'm getting up at 6am tomorrow for a little run. And tomorrow is my cheat day. I'm going to buy myself a workout shirt if I manage to approach my meal with mindful eating, and don't sabotage my weight-loss so far.

Week 5, Day 6. I didn't have a beer.

My main comment of that I really wanted alcohol after my 8.5 hour ordeal with dish network.

I ended up canceling my order before anything was installed, so that saved the day.

I was afraid that getting cable would make it harder for me to be productive and move toward my goals. I was probably right. I think I'm just gonna keep my Netflix and get internet service. That's a nice balance.

Anyway. I had to talk myself out of it several times, but then a skunk sprayed right outside my apartment, so I had to get out of the apartment. My plan was to walk downtown and have a beer. But once I started walking, I felt good, and 20 minutes later, I felt incredibly tired. All I wanted was my bed.

I inadvertently learned another way to avoid drinking out of stress. Yay.

Good night.

Week 5, Day 5. I am toast.

Today was a good day, even though I'm totally exhausted. Another week when I've run myself into the ground.

I did well on my diet until I got into almonds. I ate more than I should have later than I should have. However,  I DID drink black coffee this morning, and I was so proud! If I can't see it, I don't even care about the difference.

Oh, I forgot! Today started out REALLY GREAT because I weighed in at 133.6! That's five pounds in five days, folks. I chalk it up to eating all raw vegetables instead of cooking them.

I might have some water retention tonight because the almonds were salted. We'll see. Monday is my cheat day!

Work again tomorrow at 9am.  Good night.

Week 5, Day 4. I've had better days.

First, I followed my diet. I did only have 3 meals though. My day was pretty jammed full.

Overall, I don't feel like today was a raging success because I made some mistakes. But not on my diet.

I don't know if I self-sabotaged because I had such a good day yesterday or if I was just overly tired.

Either way. I'm looking to tomorrow.

Week 5, Day 3. On top of the world!

Today was an AWESOME day. It started with weighing in at 135.4lbs. I may not have brought everybody back up to speed, but I got down to a trim 127 and crept back up to 138.6. Which is what I weighed on Sunday.

I was more than tickled to see 135 today! I suspected that the first couple of days had helped me shed all my water weight, so I was pleasantly surprised that I had lost an entire extra pound!

Even after that, today I thought, "Yeah, today is probably the day my numbers are going to stay the same." I guess I'm waiting for that day with dread because that's when the real work starts to aggressively burn off that fat. It's a science, but the numbers are not reliable. Also, I tend to go overboard on cheat days. So, when I overdo it, I may have eaten clean for 6 days, worked out like a m*****f*****r (I could say mofo, but I'm all about the details) for 4 days just to be frustrated with little or no weight loss.

Anyway, here's why my day was so great. I was leaving a note for someone in their office and a colleague (whose approval I strive for because it kind of determines a lot of things) walked by. At first, she didn't realize she saw me in the office, but a few steps later, I heard her double back in a hurry and excitedly say, "Oh, hey Betsy! Did you SEE the article you're in?" Now I don't quite remember all of the words she said, but I do remember these, "You are a ROCKSTAR!"

Pause. Not the end of the story, but a caveat is needed:
I have this well-oiled machine that deals with compliments. It's housed in my brain. As soon as the compliment shows up, (or sometimes this machine is so good it can guess that a compliment is on its way) the machine starts spitting out  rebuttals.
They don't mean that.
They're just being nice.
Yeah but they didn't see what you ACTUALLY did.
This is about them.
I wasn't that good.
I don't believe you.
This is uncomfortable. Why do people insist on telling me I do a good job when I know I don't?
Their expectations must be really low. (that's my favorite because it's funny too!)
What are they GETTING out of this?
They're just encouraging me because they see how damaged I am and feel sorry for me.
I'm kind of offended that they think I'm so pathetic.
^ (note: I didn't make that up. But writing it sounds so insane that I thought I should clarify.)
Smile and nod and they will stop.
No, I'm not that good.
No, I could work a lot harder.

I could go on to entertain myself, but my guess is that it probably got boring for you.

Anyway. This machine effectively stops me from hearing and accepting compliments, although I'm fairly good at faking it.

Story effectively continues now.

Except that I was totally unprepared for this one. When I heard the excitement in her voice, my LAST thought was that it had anything to do with me. I thought something I would be interested in had caught her eye.

I was defenseless against this compliment.

You MUST be wondering: How did I react to HEARING A COMPLIMENT THAT MEANT A LOT TO ME???

I geeked the eff out.

I squealed, balled my fists up against the sides of my face, and I may or may not have jumped/stomped my feet in excitement and bliss I don't think I've EVER felt before. I was so happy I felt like I was going to burst out of my skin. I may have done other things too, but I the machine's delayed reaction finally kicked in and I regained my composure. She continued to heap on the praise, but I'm sure the machine blocked it.

But it doesn't matter, because I couldn't undo those three seconds when I felt what it feels like to HEAR AND BELIEVE a compliment that was both something that meant a lot to me and an indication that I've achieved the first step of a huge goal of mine: to be on the forefront, in the media, educating the public about issues around abuse and motivating them to act.

Soon after that, I read the article, in which I only have one line, but it's a kickass line. Then I reveled in the memory of the moment of bliss. Then I drove to Bellefonte for a program.

On the way, I was flooded with memories of people who said nice things to me and probably meant it. It was like that ONE MOMENT cut a big hole in my machine and all those things came pouring out. I was overwhelmed. I broke down and cried in the car. I started to believe that I am as awesome as all those people have said I am.

And that I deserve good things.

I was especially moved by certain people. It goes without saying that Amy was one of the loudest voices in the mix. When I started to consider how much she believed in me and all the ways she's supported me, I was just overflowing with gratitude. Of course Ellen also a loud voice, always supporting, accepting, such a wonderful presence in my life.  I would name other people, but then I'm afraid that I would leave people out, but the truth is that there are dozens of people who have been pushing me along, and they all play a, key role.

Maybe I'll write a gratitude blog so I can appreciate every one.

Anyway. It occurred to me that perhaps the act of surrounding myself with supportive people has allowed me to step into uncharted territory in my life: Believing in myself. That made me cry some more. Like some big part of me has been dying for the small part of me to finally give it up. To finally say: Yes, you are that good. Yes, you work very hard. Yes, you will achieve your dreams because you are made of grit and raw determination. You won't let you fail yourself.

And so. Hmmm.
I hope it sticks around.

Week 5, Day 2. Success!

I don't have much to write because I MUST go to bed. I will say that today was my first day back on my plan for REAL. AND I ROCKED IT!
It wasn't easy. I definitely had triggers. I almost had a soda, but I put the change for the machine down.
Good night.

Week 5, Day 1. I had such a good blog idea!

So much to say. I'll start with "If Maybelle could take pictures, I'd have a lot more pictures of myself." Which makes me think perhaps I should invest in a tripod.

Really, I think the pictures were what kept me on track when I was on my streak. If you've got pictures going up on the internet, it is a STRONG motivator to pass on the food that you know is not helpful.

Anyway, today I was going to write all about my crappy, stressful day, but I totally ran out of time.

Instead, what I can say is that I drank some amount of alcohol every day since Tuesday. Wow. Talk about a confession.

Turns out, having two part-time jobs and a full time job carries a lot of stress with it...that needs to be managed, not drowned. I kind of can't believe that happened.

I tried so hard to eat well, but honestly, alcohol just makes everything that.much.harder.  Except for the 2 hours when you're drinking. Then EVERYTHING IS EASY! Honestly, if I took the amount of time this week that I spent drinking (or drunk, but it sounds so bad when you say that!) and instead slept, grocery shopped, or worked out, I would have de-stressed more quickly and more efficiently. I also would have functioned better overall.

So. Lesson learned. Again. Alcohol is not my friend.

Onward. I was incredibly irritable today, and I thank the person who invented the term "stabby". Came in quite handy today.

But here's other the lesson I learned. I use stress, mistakes, frustration, roadblocks...all of those things as excuses to fulfill this underlying belief I have: "You cannot succeed at being fit and thin. Thin people are successful at telling themselves no. Who are you kidding? You're damaged. You will always struggle with this."

That belief is always under the surface, and it has to do with what it would mean if I did reach my goal. Let me say that again, but differently: It has to do with what it will mean WHEN I reach my goal of seeing my belly muscles.

In order to reach this goal, I have to decide that I, based on my own experiences, am perfectly capable of making good choices, even when it's really tempting.

My ability is not the problem.

My belief about who I am is the problem.

In order to reach my goal, I've got to let go of the part of me that wants me to fail because it believes I am a failure.

That is the belief/self I am fulfilling/proving right when I eat poorly because I'm stressed or tired or too hungry.

That was what I learned about myself today. When I was stressed and upset and feeling like a loser, I put myself in a position to eat whatever I wanted. And I gave myself full permission to do it.  Because I am a loser.  And that part of me wanted to show up. To remind me that I will never succeed.

Or so I was telling myself.

Until Amy texted me out of the blue. I actually have no idea what she said. Oh, wait, now I do. She just asked me what happened. She saw my "doomed" post on facebook.

There's something about having someone in your life who understands and believes in you and who us relentlessly compassionate that cures all evils.  It's incredible, really.

Simply hearing from her, I was infused with a sense of, "I have choices." I told myself that I did NOT have to blow my diet just because I'm upset.  And Amy expects me to pull on those resources to simply Make Good Choices, because you're done it before. And would Amy break down and have pizza and fried chicken right now? No.  No she wouldn't. She would take a deep breath and get a grilled chicken salad.

And that's what I did. And I actually got a grilled chicken wrap, too, because my deprivation alarm was ringing, so I thought I had better buy a lot in case I panicked after eating the first meal in the event that it wasn't enough. But it was fine, and I ate the wrap for my next meal.

I am really learning a lot about how to be from Amy. How to be forgiving of myself. How to move forward with grace, as opposed to white-knuckling my way through. How to move on from mistakes. I really hope that I can develop the kind of presence she has for myself and other people. 

To conclude, I uncovered today that I am sabotaging my efforts because I have not actively decided to picture myself fitting into the kind of person who would succeed at this goal. That is literally the only thing stopping me.